Tuesday, February 5, 2019

The Progression of a Babygirl Starving for Attention

When I'm dying for some D.T.™
(Daddy Time).

It starts out like this.


In my head...

"Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I should... (insert all the things)." 

I can usually talk myself out of this, but sometimes the self doubt bug is strong...so strong. 

Don't you love me anymore?

Fine then. Don't love me. I won't love you either (but I do, you're my everything and you're killing me.)

And the truth is...I don't really need that much.

Maybe a hug. 

Maybe I need you to tell me I'm a good girl. 

But before I get to that point of no return? Just a few reminders that I'm yours and that you love me really, really help. 

Like...when you run your fingers through my hair. Grab my ass. Smack my ass. Tuck blanket in. Kiss my forehead.

Text me during the day.

Or just calling me to you. 

But sometimes I'm too far gone I need you to shut that door, lock it, unfasten your belt, flip me over, and show me very very clearly that I matter to you.

That our relationship is too important to allow anything to come between us. 

I very likely need some physical attention  You know. Of the spanking variety. 

And I might even look like her if you do it. I might sorta...fight it. 

But that doesn't mean I don't need it. Even when I tell you I'm fine. 

Even when I act like I can handle it all. 

Monday, January 21, 2019

Setting Goals in a Dom/sub dynamic

Hey, readers! Took another accidental week off there. I’ve had this post ready for ya, but somehow just didn’t get out of my own way to post it!

I mentioned in a recent post that I like to set goals and Jason helps me with them. Some of you commented and others reached out privately, asking me to share how I set goals and accomplish them. I wrote an article a few years ago on this subject (you can read that here), but things have changed, so I thought a little update was in order. 

Jason considers it one of his jobs as my Dom to help me meet my goals. He likes seeing me thrive under his authority, discipline, and guidance. It gives me a strong sense of purpose, and it’s nice knowing that in some ways, our dynamic bears more fruit than just bringing peace and intimacy to our relationship. 

So even though it might seem a little off track with the usual posts here, I think it’s worth explaining for those who might be interested. 

In fact, the very first time Jason ever spanked me for real, the real discipline kinda spanking, it wasn’t because I got mouthy or anything, but to help me meet a goal of mine. I’m a fairly disciplined person on my own, but with his help, l can achieve things I never thought possible because he helps me get over those hurdles I put in my own way. 

So over the years, I’ve developed a system that works for me. I’m a big believer in taking small steps to achieve large goals. I also believe an important step in goal-setting is making sure to follow up with the goals one sets, so that they don’t just become dreams. 

Please keep in mind that I’ve been following my goal system for years. It might be a little too much for someone just starting out, and those who are less routinized and more spontaneous may find it a bit stifling. However, over the years I’ve noticed that both submissives and dominants do really well with structure and routines. So maybe some of what I share here can be beneficial. 

Before I set a goal, I make sure that my goal is actionable. It has to be something that I can actually do, not something that’s a vague notion of something I want to achieve. 

For example, “I want to lose weight” might be considered a goal, but how is it quantifiable? If I lose a pound, have I achieved my goal? Whereas, if I set a goal “I want to lose twenty pounds,” I can monitor and track that goal. (Some people find the business approach to S.M.A.R.T. goals very helpful as well. This is one of many articles you can find on the subject HERE.) 

Second, it’s important to me that my goal has purpose for me. Many times, we set goals we think we should do. But in the end, they don’t nourish us. They don’t fulfill a purpose in line with our personal value system. They don’t really mean much to us, so we don’t actively take steps toward achieving them, and then at the end of the day, we don’t. It becomes one more goal on the list that doesn’t get checked off. 

For example, I have no desire to go back to school. I already have my dream job as a writer, and although I do still actively learn (I read lots of books on the craft), I don’t want to spend time in a classroom. I like being home with my family. I don’t want to spend time studying when I could be spending my time doing other things. So I’m not going to put higher education on my list. 

Another person might think “I need to lose weight” but in reality, he or she is perfectly content at their current weight. Why would you spend your time trying to achieve a goal someone else would set for you, rather than one that really meets your own personal needs? So I do take some time thinking about this. 

After I have my actionable, personal goals, I’m ready to go. Before I set New Year’s goals, I spend a few weeks really thinking about it. I want to really meet these goals, so I like to take them very seriously. I have a few categories I set them in. These are my categories, in no particular order: 

How much do I want to personally earn? What do I want to do with my money? (Save, go on vacation, donate). 

What projects do I want to do in our home this year?

This is where I’ll note my own self-care goals, and my personal goals like weight loss, books I want to read, etc. 

This is fairly self-explanatory. I list what I want to accomplish with and for my famliy this year. 

I list my work-related goals. 

I make sure my yearly goals mean something to me and are actionable. Then out of those goals, I choose my top five. 

Here's a sampling of this year's: 

Family and Friends 
Family vacation plans
Send birthday cards to all my friends and family

Home Improvement
Repair the roof
paint my dining room

Publish x amount of books
Move my older books to audio

Earn $x amount of dollars
Keep a $0 balance budget

Read 52 books
Lose x lbs 

So after I set my yearly goals, I show Jason. He looks them over and we discuss it. Sometimes he modifies them. Once he set…ahem…very intimate goals for me! But that’s his prerogative. If he thinks I bit off more than I can chew, he’ll help modify my goals. And after his approval, I get busy. 

Every month, I go over my yearly goals and write down achievable monthly goals that will take steps toward my yearly goals. So for example, if I want to save $500 this year, I might aim to save $50 this month. 

I do this in every category, and add “to do’s” to the goals. This is the month kids need to be registered for summer camp, so I’ll write “register kids for summer camp” in my “family” goal list for this month. So my monthly categories contain both small to-do’s and larger steps toward my yearly goals. 

Every month, I evaluate. Why didn’t one get done? Did I take on too much? Or do I really not want to achieve that goal? Did my plan for achieving that goal not work? Or maybe I found the goal too easy and I need to raise the bar. I evaluate and adjust. 

Every week, I set weekly goals. I base my weekly goals off of my monthly ones, and then add my monthly to-do’s. So I might say my goal this month is to save $46, so this week, I’ll save $12. 

Then every day I go over my weekly goals, and make my to-do list the same way: a few items taken from my weekly goals, in addition to whatever to-do has to happen to achieve that goal.

Here’s the daily list I go over every day at the start of the day.

Then, Jason goes over my daily list. 

I use The Happy Planner to write out my goals, and the daily inserts to make my daily action plans. 

I hope this helps! If you have any questions, please comment here, because if you have one I’m sure someone else does, too. J

Ringing in the New Year (hint: over his knee)

Happy New Year, everyone! 

I took some time off over the holidays, as it was time to put the laptop away and connect with family and friends. We had a lovely holiday, and I’m so looking forward to the New Year. 

By the time last weekend rolled around, boy was I ready for a check-in. We haven’t been consistent with check-in’s. Between his schedule and mine, and the extras in our schedule, we’d been sorely neglecting to check-in. I was feeling a little ornery around the edges and really in need of some daddy time. 

My sister (who is also a submissive) gave my husband a gift for Christmas with a wink. “This will have a dual meaning,” she said. It was a gift card holder with a spinner on it that says “naughty” or “nice.” Jason got a gleam in his eye when he spun it and looked at me. So yesterday, we agreed it was time for a thorough check in. I’d been working, and hadn’t gotten ready for the day fully yet, and was still wearing my glasses. So he took them off. 

“Is this like my super hero costume?” I asked him. “You take off my glasses and now I’m like Superman?” 

“Super Sub,” he said. “You’re Super Sub.” Ha! We went over my rules and he pulled out the spinner and put me over his knee. Every time he spun “nice” he gave me a good spank with his wand. Every time he spun “naughty” I got a wicked whack. Hmph. He spanked me long and hard, and boy did I squirm and fight it. I needed it, though, and he knew it. I didn’t really like it at all, but I felt a lot better when he was done. 

And now I’m contemplating the New Year. What my goals are. My plans. What I hope to achieve in 2019. I wrote them out last weekend, and came up with a plan.  (I’m a big goal setter and Jason helps me with that. I’m not sure if readers are interested in how that works for us, but if anyone wants a detailed post, please let me know and I’ll write that). Jason went over my goals, and I’m going to ask him for a good Clean the Slate Spanking again. 

It’s sort of our ritual, and I do love those rituals. I was sort of cruising along, enjoying life, and comfortable at the place where we check in but trouble is very real. 

Then Thursday night, everything came to a screeching halt. I broke a rule, and it was an important one. I could’ve prevented it, but I was stressed about something and I let my focus slip. I made a poor decision, it resulted in a split-second decision that was  not a good one. I broke a pretty major rule and I knew I had to tell Jason. 

I tried to justify things in my mind. It’s just a normal human reaction. I mean, no one likes facing real consequences. 

“Maybe he’ll cut me some slack,” I thought, but even before I completed the thought I knew the truth. He was not going to grant me mercy. 

So finally, the kids went to bed and I told him I had to tell him something. He usually lies in bed next to me and lets me tell him what’s on my mind while I’m laying down beside him or snuggled up on his chest. Sometimes I need to feel his strength to get up the courage to confess. 

So I fessed up. He was stern but kind, and simply said what I expected. “You shouldn’t have done that and you know how I feel about it. You also know I’m going to have to punish you.” I knew it, so I just nodded. I did sorta try to talk him out of it. “I’ve been really good…and we’re going to do our clean-the-slate spanking anyway… and I did realize my mistake…” 

But he knows what I need even when I don’t want it. “We’ll do our clean-the-slate another time. You are not getting away without getting a spanking for this.” 

I knew he was right. We didn’t wait, but got It over with right then, and let me tell ya, it was awful. It wasn’t long, but intense. I’d forgotten how hard it was to take a really hard spanking, since they’re pretty rare here. I was struggling and asking him by the first hard smack but like a good Dom, he didn’t stop there. He knew I deserved a serious spanking, knew I deserved a serious spanking, but you know…the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak and all that. 

It was too intense for me to let go during the actual punishment. This was no slow and steady cathartic spanking. There was nothing but intentional, though controlled, punishment we both knew I deserved. And I know if he hadn’t punished me, something would’ve been off. We do this for a reason, and I need that firmness from him. He lectured me seriously, and spanked me until I got the message loud and clear. 

Aftercare was beautiful and intimate, as it often is, and I went to bed spent and thoroughly humbled. 

The next morning, though. Man, I forgot what it was like to be punished like that. What it feels like the next day. I woke up humbled and quiet, but I had work to do, and we were expecting furniture delivered. So I put off my feelings and focused on what I had to do. This was a mistake. 

Because it had been a long time since Jason really punished me, he forgot what I needed. He went about his day, too. And something stressful came up involving our furniture delivery, so I went to him to tell him. He was working, I caught him at a bad time… oh, boy. It was not good. He snapped at me. I had no idea I was as vulnerable as I was, until him snapping at me totally made me crumple. 

I left the room and cried my eyes out. He was working, in a conference call, and it wasn’t until I was a total sobbing mess that I realized what was happening. Sub drop. 

I got punished the night before, neglected to realize I was a sensitive, vulnerable mess who needed her daddy, and because he was out of the routine, too, he failed to see what I needed. Classic sub drop happens after a BDSM session. Domestic discipline isn’t BDSM, but the hormone levels are frequently similar, so submissives often have the same reaction after punishment as they might after a session. Endorphins run high and then drop, leaving the submissive in a vulnerable state and highly emotional. 

I reached out to him and told him I needed him. He said his meeting was over, and told me to come up. I went upstairs, a blubbering mess of feminine hurt and submissive sadness, feeling much more “little” than I have in a very, very long time. He took one look at me and sort of got an “oh, boy,” look on his face, like “what the hell did I just do?”

To his credit, he shut off his computer and took me right over to the bed, held me up to his chest and hugged me. The stern, demanding Dom demeanor was gone, and the nurturing side came out. He called me his “little one,” and asked me to tell him what was going on. I soaked his shirt sobbing my eyes out and blubbering about not realizing what a mess I was, and how I needed some TLC, and how when he snapped at me it killed me because all my reserves were gone. He listened and apologized. I wasn’t really upset with him, though, just hurt, and I don’t blame him because he was as out of practice as I was. 

I didn’t need that much attention. He held me until I stopped crying, and gave me some specific instructions. Before I left, he checked on my emotional state, and all day long he texted me, checking in on me and gradually, as the day went on, I started feeling like myself again. In the days following this, he was attentive and I was on my very best behavior. 

Phew. Way to ring in the new year! 

It was a good reminder, though… why we do what we do. How we handle things when they happen. And why it takes two to work through the ins and outs of this dynamic. 

And it left me thankful, so thankful, for what we already have. It was a hard situation, but when we build a dynamic built on trust and communication, even during trying times, we have a beautiful opportunity to draw together again. 

Please note: some of you were curious about sub-drop. My friend Jennifer Bene has written an excellent article on it, and I'm posting here with her permission. 

What is Sub Drop?