Sunday, August 13, 2017

"Don't You Love Me Anymore?"

Good morning, readers! Happy Sunday. 

Jason and I had one helluva week, and I will confess I had a bit of a Babygirl Meltdown. Last week, my kids were in camp, which was fantastic, but I was exhausted because of all the driving (it was day camp). And I was so exhausted that I didn’t make time for
 Jason. He was stressed at work, and when he came home he was in his cave and he didn’t make time for me. I didn’t really notice or care, because I was that tired. Saturday, I went away for the weekend on a planned writing retreat with Maisy and got a ton of work done. Monday, it was off to the races again with a road trip, my kids visited their cousins, and we had visitors here. 

By Monday night, I was a mess. It is to be noted that, as per the usual, my hormones were also wreaking havoc. I was borderline insane, and walked myself right off the Lunatic Babygirl Cliff. 

Don’t you love me anymore? 

Don’t you care about me? 

Are you still my daddy? 

Does this lifestyle even mean anything to you? 

WHO ARE WE? 

Ha. I can laugh about it now. I’m sitting here, giggling to myself. Jason listened, got the stern look on his face while I went on and on, said a few logical things (“honey, we haven’t even seen each other") and then he’d had enough of my Lunatic Babygirl Meltdown and finally stood, grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger and said, “Tonight? It’s time I get us back on track. Don’t tell me you’re too tired. Don’t tell me you’re fine. You’re not, and we need to make things right.” 

Yeah, I needed that. 



And he got me back on track. He made me go over his lap for a good, hard spanking which I did not want. I fought him and squirmed and kicked my feet, because this girl doesn’t take a spanking like a champ, y’all. Spankings hurt. I’m a wimp. But we’ve been doing this long enough to know I needed to be taken beyond my comfort zone. 

I need to know that he will hold me down and spank me until the fight is gone. I need to know that he’ll put me back in my happy submissive place. 

Now, I want to be clear, it’s not like he’s giving me the spanking of my life and I’m kicking and screaming and hollering. This is what happened. 

“Come here, please.” The kids were asleep, and I was exhausted, but I knew I needed this. I walked over to him, starting to feel apprehensive because I knew I was going to get spanked, and I knew it would hurt. He patted his lap and told me to strip, so I obeyed. 



When I laid myself over his lap, I started to feel a bit of the tension go away. Just the act of submitting starts the whole cleansing process. Then he began. I don’t remember what he said but it was strict, and he corrected a few things I’d done, and he let me know he wouldn’t tolerate anything less than me taking care of myself, obeying him, and being a good girl. He spanked me and I squirmed, and he held my waist and told me to stop fighting. I did my best, but it hurt, and when I wiggled, he smacked my thighs and made me get back over his lap and lay still. He spanked me until there was no fight left in me. And when I reached the point of submitting to him, he talked to me, while I was still bared and over his knee, but he was not done. After he got the response he was looking for (“Yes, daddy, I’m sorry daddy, I will do better,”) he gave me a few more hard smacks, just to seal the deal and show me who was boss.

Then he ordered me up off his lap and into bed. I climbed under the covers feeling repentant and a bit sorrowful, but he hugged me and tucked me in and I fell asleep. 

But we weren’t done. 

The next morning, he repeated this. 

One time was not enough, you guys. Getting myself to the point where we’d gotten indicated we were pretty far gone – we had been, and we’d ignored the warning signs. The next morning, before he left for work, he made me show him my to-do list, and spanked my ass good and hard all over again. Yes, it hurt like hell. No, he did not hurt me. I don’t mark often and he knows how far he can take me. He knows how far he needs to take me. He reads my signs. He knows when I’m softened and submissive, and in a good head space. He knows if I’m withdrawn or sad, or still in a dominant or defiant head space that something needs to be done – either we need to talk, or I need a spanking, or something has to give. 

But the reality was, we got to this point because we were too busy. 

This lifestyle needs to be regularly watered and pruned, and it cannot flourish without proper care and attention. 




Everyone has a different approach. Everyone has different needs. Some will prefer to keep the dynamic in the bedroom and others prefer a full, 24-hour power exchange. Some, like me and Jason, will prefer a roles-based dynamic with a milder DD flavor, whereas some will prefer a stronger BDSM-flavor, or rules-based, or more kink. 

Everyone’s needs differ. Everyone’s approach differs. We are individuals with pasts, hurts, experiences, hopes, dreams, likes and dislikes. We are far too individual to have hard and fast rules about lifestyle dynamics. 

But there is one constant in all dynamics. This cannot work without time and attention. 

So Jason and I needed to sit down and look at where we went off the rails. We knew how to get back on track. It meant going over our rules and goals, and a few hard sessions over his knee. It meant I submitted and he paid attention. It meant we locked our door and spent some time focused on other needs, cultivating our need for intimacy. It meant we planned a date night, got babysitting in place, unplugged our phones and devices, and did nothing but focus on each other. It meant we had a morning check-in and nightly check-in every single day. It meant when I began to slip in my submission to him, he gave me a good, hard lecture. It meant that I stopped the “urgency of the moment” so that I brought him his coffee, knelt before him, and presented myself in submission to him. 

But we also needed to look at what had gotten us off the rails to begin with. 

It takes incredible emotional strength and energy to fulfill one’s role. 

When I am depleted in any way – illness, hormones, exhaustion, or outside circumstances that suck up my emotional energy – I do not submit as easily. 

Emotional energy is finite. We only have so much. Submission does not come naturally to me, so when I find there are outside circumstances that deplete my emotional energy, I have to remove whatever I can so that my focus is back on Jason. 

Why? Because this matters to us. Because our entire family is better off when our dynamic is in good working order. Because when there is harmony and peace in our dynamic, we extend that harmony and peace to others. 



When Jason is depleted in any way, he has a harder time being my dominant. For him, this means if work is exceptionally demanding, he’s lacked sleep because of our children or illness, or outside circumstances deplete him, he’s left with less to give me. We recognize that this is the case, so we both do what we need to. There are times when I need to ask less of him and focus more heavily on my own self-care. There are times when he declines obligations or invitations because he feels he is needed here at home. 

We live in a demanding world, in a techno-driven society that values constant availability. Giving of myself means that I need to say no to constant availability and the incessant demands on my time and energy, and make my time with Jason a priority. 

We recognized that we’d let “busy” detract from what works for us, so we made plans to be less busy and more focused. As our schedules change this fall (we have some big changes happening with our family), it’s more important than ever to remind ourselves that we are busy people, but we need to be sure we aren’t “too” busy.

We need to remind ourselves that our energy is finite, and if our relationship is important to us, it needs to be nourished in order to flourish.  

We have another busy week ahead, as we are visiting with family and going on vacation. We’re going into this with eyes wide open, planning on time with one another as a top priority. 

I promise I won't pull a Tinker Bell again. 


Happy Sunday. Make the best of it! 

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Respect Challenge Wrap-Up


RESPECT CHALLENGE WRAP UP

Dear readers, I stated that I was going to do this 30 day respect challenge, and I blogged the first week here, and the second here. By the third week, I was starting to feel that things weren’t really what I needed right now, so after I read through the daily challenges for every single day (you can do that here if you’re interested), I decided one more week would do it for me. I was going to pick the seven that I found most applicable/needed in my dynamic with Jason. I didn’t really see the point in pushing myself through something that wasn’t terribly beneficial (I already dress to please him, I already keep our home tidy, etc). I definitely *do * need to improve in some areas, and I’m not perfect. I just found that some of the challenge focuses fit better than others.

 These are the challenges I chose for my final week of focus.

Day 14—Cherish Togetherness
This was a challenge that landed on a Sunday, and it was exactly what I needed. I like to work my way toward having systems and habits that help me meet my goals and focus on what is important to me without having to overthink too much. That’s why on Sunday, I don’t work, but I do blog (except when things come up, as they did the past few weeks), and I like to focus on spending time with my family.
With a large family like ours, though, it can sometimes be hard to find time with Jason. This day, I focused on it very well. To be honest, I did not focus on this well the following days, as the urgency of the moment and our calendar was filled to bursting, so it’s a good reminder that I’ll need over and over. J

Day 16—Resist the Urge to Correct
Jason hates when I correct him, and it’s hard for me to find that balance between honesty and nagging. We hit a patch at this point where I did need to tell him something that was bothering me. I honestly didn’t know how to do it in a way that he’d find acceptable, but I also felt clamming up wasn’t the right thing to do. I think it’s a challenge for me as a submissive sometimes. When is it best to let things go, and when is it best to tell him how I feel? I’m not allowed to hold my feelings back, but at the same time, does every little thought that flits through my mind, especially one that’s negative or critical, need to be shared?

This is why I think frequent communication is every bit as important as open communication.  

Day 20—Take His Advice
I call Jason my business manager, and it’s absolutely true. It’s tricky, because he’s not a romance writer. He doesn’t read my books. He doesn’t know the market. I, on the other hand, live and breathe romance. I interact daily with my romance writing friends, work on a book in some capacity every single level, and read constantly. I also do market and business research study on a regular basis. So Jason and I relate on the business level, but not always on the romance level. That said, the man is brilliant. He’s observed. He knows which of my books has sold like hot cakes, and which hasn’t. He’s watched how I’ve launched, and he has quite a bit of opinions on the matter. It’s hard for me to take his advice on this sometimes, because I want to tell him “I know a lot more about romance than you do!” However, I respect him. I love him. He’s brilliant, and he’s in this to help me succeed. So I will, of course, take everything he says to heart.
On this day of the challenge, I got a draft of a cover for my upcoming fall release. He took one look at it and said, “No way. Uh uh. You have to change x, y, and z.” I was a bit taken aback as I thought it was a good cover, but when I took his opinion into account, I realized he had a very good one. And honestly? I made those changes and I was much happier with the result.
So I was sorta proud of myself on this one!

Day 22—Guard His Reputation
This is a non-issue on the blog, for the most part, as I feel I maybe sing his praises to a fault! In real life, though, I sometimes get upset and have the tendency to want to complain to someone – my friend, my sister, his mom, whatever. Sometimes I do this. I never, ever am happy I did. Sure, I need to chat with a friend for advice sometimes, and I do that without regret. But bashing him to anyone always makes me feel sick inside. I like this challenge focus, and have to admit, I failed this one. I got super mad at him over something and ranted. I could have handled it far better. I decided it was best to fess up to him, though, so I did. Going forward, I like this challenge and will keep it at the forefront of my mind.

Day 23—Forgive His Shortcomings


Okay, you guys. Jason is a gamer. I have no understanding of the appeal of spending hours in virtual worlds. I just don’t. And for years, I nagged and ranted and hated that he would spend what I thought was a crazy amount of time on a totally useless endeavor. I felt neglected and hurt that he’d choose gaming over spending time with me. I got spanked because I’d have a fit if he spent “too much time” on his gaming.
I had to change that. He did, too. After years of working on this, I finally accepted the fact that my husband is a hardworking man, father of many, dedicated manager at work, and my Dom! Maybe he needed something mindless, or something he could lose himself in, like I lose myself in my books. I let that go. But I had communicated to him that I sometimes resented his gaming. He, in turn, cut back on it, and would tell me when he was planning on gaming so I could let it go. This helped a way lot.
I still struggle, though. The amount of his stress directly affects the amount of down time he needs, and I don’t always like that. On this day of the challenge, I was angry with him for (in my opinion) spending too much time on “the damn xbox” (it’s what I call it in my head lol). I took a deep breath, and forgave it. I let it go. He doesn’t expect perfection from me. So why would I expect it from him?  

Day 26—Foster Respect in Your Children
This one was pretty easy. Jason likes me to back him up. I think one of the biggest challenges we face as a Dom/sub couple is that Jason likes to be the one to have the final say when it comes to our children. At first, I struggled with this, but I finally came to the realization that I wouldn’t have married the man with the intent of raising a family together if I didn’t trust him, and we didn’t have the same values. We’d never raised toddlers, or dealt with angsty pre-teens, or raised teens. We have now. Much of this was trial and error, and we had to talk a lot of things out. He always listens to me, but I give him the final say.
So for us, fostering respect means that our kids know Jason is the leader of the house and that I obey him, but they need to respect him to. Yes, I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but it does here. So I back him up when it comes to matters of respect or discipline. It isn’t always easy, as sometimes my mama bear comes rearing its ugly head! And he isn’t always right. But again, we aren’t striving for perfection here. I’d much rather my kids love and respect their daddy than not, so I work hard at building that respect.
This particular challenge day, we had an issue at the dinner table, and I was able to focus myself on teaching the kids to respect Jason with a reminder to do what daddy says. ;)

Day 28—Bite Your Tongue



I honest to God could have holes in my tongue sometimes. It helps that he expects me to be obedient to him! So I’ve learned not to snap at him or to sass him. On this particular challenge day, I wanted to snap at him about something so badly. We were both exhausted and both at the end of our ropes. He said something ridiculous and I wanted to really let him know what I felt. But I recognized that we were both exhausted and overwrought, and I clearly said to him, “We are both tired. We are both barely functional. Why don’t we get some sleep and deal more rationally in the morning?” He agreed, and the next day, we both actually laughed about this. Biting the tongue for the win! Haha

I believe in honest and open communication, but I also believe that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.



So that wraps up this respect challenge, folks. As you can tell from my posts lately, Jason and I are sooo busy, far busier than we prefer being. This morning, in precisely seven minutes, we are going to talk about our schedules, come up with a plan, and get a good ol’ reset. It’s  very hard to focus on our roles when we are both emotionally tapped out, and it’s been a struggle here lately because of that. More on that this Sunday, in this Sunday’s upcoming blog post. See you then!  

(P.S. please forgive the weird layout to this -- I have a new laptop and I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. I'll try to figure it out by next week!)

Monday, August 7, 2017

An update, where I've been, and hello!

Hello, there, readers!

This is just a quick post, because it appears I may have fallen off the face of the earth.

I did not forget about the respect challenge, promise! I decided to truncate it because toward the end of the challenge, I found some of the specifics really just did not apply, and I didn't find them very useful. So I picked seven of the ones I thought most pertinent, and focused on those instead, and will update you all this week on how that went.

Two Sundays ago we had guests and I could not post, and then this past Sunday I was traveling and came down with a cold. ::sniff::

But I am better now, and eager to get back to blogging. Things are...interesting here, lately. And it would be nice to process it all with a good ol' blog post.

In the meantime, how about some pictures to whet your whistle? I totally forgot I have a Pinterest account. 😛 And some of you may find what I've posted there inspirational. I've only just begun, but I'll eventually pin my favorite pictures from here, as well.

I hope you're all doing well, and I look forward to blogging again soon! 

Hugs!! Jane (JG)