Monday, March 16, 2015

Grateful Surrender


Two and a half years into TTWD, punishment is kind of a rare thing. I remember when I first met a friend of mine – a friend I consider a mentor of sorts – she said something to me like “serious punishment is very rare, but he still finds reason to toss me over his knee all the time.” I think back on that now, as that's pretty much where we are now. 

Some of our rules are things that needed to become habit, as I know I've mentioned before. In most circumstances, the intuitive reaction I have is to obey Jason. It comes naturally to me now, though there are times it's still a bit uncomfortable. For example, Friday night we were at a party, just the two of us, in town, and I wanted a drink. I leaned over and asked permission, and got a response that denied me what I wanted but gave me specific guidelines as to what I could and could not indulge in. I wasn't happy with his response. I wanted to stomp my foot and drink whatever the hell I wanted. The will to do what I want to is still there. But I found it fairly easy to nod and obey him, despite my natural inclination to resist.

Most of the time, that's how it is. Most of the time, I find I'm very much in the habit of doing what he expects of me. Things like safety rules and basic obedience now come as naturally to me as any other habit, and it feels unnatural to do anything else. But there are some things that will quite honestly never go away. There are some things that, because I'm human and imperfect, will never truly vanish. And one of those human tendencies I still struggle with, and likely always will, at least to a certain extent, is my emotional response. 

The other day, I experienced one of those times. I had tried and tried and tried to keep my temper in check with one of my children. It was one of those days. I did everything Jason had asked of me. But I felt my anger rising, and I know now I should've removed myself from the situation, but I didn't. Finally, I snapped. I lost my temper and I yelled. And in the heat of the moment, I swore. I'm not allowed to yell, and I'm not allowed to swear. I knew seconds after the angry words left my lips that when Jason came home, I'd be over his knee.

At times, my natural response to doing something wrong is to find an excuse so I can avoid punishment. I was late! I was distracted and lost track of time! I didn't mean to say or do that! But I know that the benefit of this dynamic does not work unless I am brutally honest. I know that nothing short of humility and transparency will bring us where we want to be – for both me, and for Jason. So when the temptation to run from my mistakes hits me, I try to overcome that temptation, and own up to what I did. 

After I lost my temper, I took a calming breath, removed myself from the situation, and messaged Jason. I told him what happened, what led to my loss of temper, and how I handled it. He responded not by lecturing or scolding, but by encouraging me to pick myself up and do what needed to be done. So I did.

My punishment loomed over me. I knew there was no mercy on this one. I knew I'd violated an agreed-upon rule -- well, two. Feeling emotionally depleted, I picked up the phone and called Jason. I just wanted to hear his voice. But when I called him, he was too busy to talk (which is why I rarely call him at work), and I snapped at him as I hung up the phone. Seconds later, a message buzzed to me. 

Watch your attitude. 

Oh, seriously, I really needed to reign it in. Not only had I broken a rule, but I really didn't need to complicate the situation by violating yet another rule. Yikes. 

I apologized. I focused myself on what needed to be done around here. And when he came home, I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I get before he punishes me.

“I don't have any excuses,” I said. “I know what I did was wrong, and I know we have rules for this.” There would be no trying to talk my way out of it. 

It's hard to explain what was going on with me then. I did not want to be punished. I was nauseous over the thought of facing punishment. But at the same time, I knew I deserved it. So I mostly just tried to work up the courage to take what I knew was coming. When he punishes me, he punishes me soundly. How could a part of me not dread that? 

“Now, wait,” he said. “Before I punish you, I want to hear the whole story. Everything that happened. Tell me what led to you losing your temper.” It's very rare that I lose my temper, and I appreciated that he wanted to take the time to help me sort through it, so I could prevent it from happening again. So, we went upstairs alone, making sure we had privacy. I knelt before him and talked it all out, told him everything I'd done and why. I held nothing back. He sat and listened, as the emotions of the day spilled out, and I began to cry. 

“I see,” he said. He talked about how we'd prevent the situation from happening again. We discussed my calling him, why I did it, and how I responded. He reiterated that he expects me to be polite and respectful when I talk to him, and I nodded, still sniffling a bit. Then he stood, went to the implement drawer, and took out that rubber thing – it's like a rubber paddle, and I cringe when he takes it out because it bites deep and the sting lasts for days. He laid it on the bed, and then his hands went to his waist, as he removed his belt. I gulped. I don't remember the last time I've been punished with two implements. “We have rules in place for a reason, and you know I need to punish you. I want you over my lap, now.” 

I obeyed quickly, overcome with emotion as my belly hit his knee. Regret for having broken a rule. Security in being in my place of submission over his knee. Dread of the punishment I knew would hurt.  

Sternly, he asked me to tell him why I was being punished. I did. He spanked me, first his belt as more of a warm-up than anything, as it wasn't as bad as the belt could be, but when the rubber implement came into play, I could've crawled out of my skin. He held me down as I could hardly stand it, and he firmly punished me. I have no idea how long it lasted. All I know is that when he was done, I lay over his knee in complete surrender. He kept me there for a good long while. 

Aftercare comes and goes. Sometimes I need it, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes he thinks I deserve it, and sometimes he'd prefer the harsher punishment of sending me to bed to think about what I've done. But this time was different. He knew I'd done something I shouldn't, and he knew I deserved to be punished. But he also knew it was not easy for me. He knew I disliked what I'd done, and I was repentant. He knows how hard I've tried to be patient with my family, and respectful toward him. He knows the progress I've made. And he knew what a trying day I'd had. 

His hand over my bare skin, he caressed me, over and over again, as he told me he loved me and that he knew I'd do better. Sometimes I need stern. Sometimes he has nothing to give me but stern. But sometimes, it's more complicated than that. Sometimes, my needs are many and varied, and that night was one of those times. 

I lay over his knee in surrender, in my quiet place, accepting the consolation he now gave after punishment. And I cried. 

I cried because I dislike being punished. But there was more than sorrow in those tears. There was thankfulness, and a cleansing cry that released the emotions of the day and brought me back to my center. There was a quiet acceptance of his leadership, of his discipline, of his sternness and his understanding. There was the certainty of our partnership, the mutual self-giving we partake in every time we come together. 

We had commitments to attend to, so after a while, we went about doing what we needed to do. I had an outside obligation, and the entire time I was away from home, all I could think about was coming back to Jason. I felt the separation more keenly than I normally do. I wanted to run to him. I came home. The house was quiet, as our kids were asleep and he was sitting in his chair watching something on tv. I sat on a cushion by his feet and lay my head on his knee as I waited for him. 

We went to bed, and I didn't say much of anything. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, just that I needed to be with him. But as he tucked me in by his side, I whispered a thank you. 

Thank for this. Thank you for helping me, for taking the time to understand, for teaching me and keeping me on track. Thank you for helping me heal, for keeping me calm, and for helping me move past my frailties. Thank you for listening, and for making me so precious to you. Thank you.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Dear HOH/Dom/Guy With the Paddle (for those beginning)

This post is for those just starting out. I promised I'd write something like this, so here goes. The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek...I never know what the right phrase is. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So maybe she's come to you with this desire. Maybe you had mixed feelings at first. Maybe you were baffled. 

“You want me to what?”

Maybe you were even a little irritated or angry. 

“Why would you want to be spanked like a child? I don't want to parent you. I like you the way you are.” 

Maybe the desire to discipline her seemed preposterous. She's an adult! Shouldn't adults take responsibility for their own actions? Who does this anyway?

You two have your own relationship, that is unlike any others, so I can't presume to know how you felt when she came to you with this. But please, allow me to explain. 

I've spent several years now listening to people just like her. And today, I'd like to write to you. I'd like to explain why she may feel the way she does. I don't know for sure, of course, because I likely have never met her. But she may have written to me. And after having been in contact with hundreds of girls with similar desires, I've started to realize that her desires are so very much like my own, that I understand where she's coming from, at least a little. 

So please, grant me just a bit of your time. I promise I'm not going to tell you what to do. That would be ironic, wouldn't it? A submissive like me, trying to tell you what to do. No one should tell you what to do. If this is going to work for you, the only way it works is if you do things your own way -- the hell with the way other people do things. 

I'm just going to tell you why Jason and I feel that incorporating a deeper dominant/submissive dynamic into our own relationship has been one of the best decisions we've ever made. And I'm going to explain to you how it makes me feel. That's about it. 

I'm going to be perfectly honest, maybe even blunt here. At first, the whole thing just sounded really really sexy. We had a pretty good love life before all this went down. It was...okay. But I was...pretty reserved. We were always faithful to one another, and sex was good. But then one day after the whole fifty shades thing came out, out of curiosity, I was trolling the internet. And I read about girls who got spanked. Full grown women who got spanked by their husbands. I couldn't deny that it sounded...so freaking sexy. I wanted to try it. So I approached my husband in bed. Snuggled up to him and whispered a suggested game. I suggested we play “swap that fantasy. You tell me, I'll tell you.” 

He told me his. Then my turn came up, and I whispered, “I want a real spanking.” We were pretty hot and bothered at this point, having whispered our deepest fantasies to one another. He was game. He stripped me, put me over his lap, and gave me a real spanking with his hand. (The whole story about this is here.) 

Let's just say, it was about the hottest thing he'd ever done to me, and we had quite the night after that. 

So he continued to spank me. It wasn't disciplinary at first. No, it was really just the fun bedroom stuff. I didn't even know people did this! I had a vague idea there were things like handcuffs and blindfolds, but I'd never used them, and really didn't have any interest. It just seemed all weird and silly (I think, um, very differently now.)

So, in the interest of being honest, let me tell you something. This whole spanking thing? Yeah, it was like adding a shot of adrenaline to our sex life. No, not even like that. We took off the blinders. Amped it up. Things in bed became...amazing (and they still are). 

If you spank her? She's probably going to think you're sexier. Truth.

All of a sudden, Jason was...hotter. He made my heart pound all over again. A swat to my ass would set me on fire. 

So, yeah...if you do this? I can almost guarantee you that your sex life is going to improve. I'll tell you this. We went from a few occasional days of mediocre sex to desiring each other constantly. Sex went from satisfactory to un-freaking-believable. I can't get enough of him, and the feeling is mutual. I lay down next to him and my heart starts to pound. He rests his hand on my lower back, and I melt. I kneel before him and he's ready. He whispers in my ear, and I feel like I used to when I first met him and I was infatuated with him. I beg to get on my knees to please him (whereas before, you wouldn't catch me doing that for anything). 

And you know what happens? When sex is better, lots of other things get better, too.

You don't argue as much. 

You get along better.

You enjoy each other more. 

Driving up the eroticism in our relationship was really only the beginning. 

I explained to Jason that when he's in charge, I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel important to him. 

At first, he wasn't too keen on the idea of disciplining me. He did it for a few small rules, but I wanted more. It was pretty stressful here for a time. He liked me the way I was. He didn't want to treat me like a child. He had a hard time getting past the idea that it's wrong to spank a woman. And me? I was so irritated he didn't automatically understand what I wanted. Why couldn't he do it like the other guys did it? I wanted him to do things my way!

It wasn't a good place to be. So finally...because we love each other...we both decided we'd try to see where the other person was coming from. 

He decided he would give me a few rules, and discipline me if I disobeyed. He's a man of his word. So he followed through. 

I had the realization that trying to control him was completely counter-productive, and what I needed to do was honor his lead, even if that meant he never spanked me again. So I worked on obeying him, submitting to him, following his lead, and trying to please him. 

And a funny thing happened. He saw how beneficial the discipline was for me. He saw me flourish under his guidance and discipline. He told me, and I'll never forget this, "before, you were like a flower that was closed, like a bud." He opened his hands, fingers opening like a flower, "But now you've blossomed." 

I learned more self control. We fought less. And even though he still had some hang-ups about spanking me “for real,” he decided, and I quote, “you need this from me, so the most loving thing for me to do is give you what you need.” 

And I realized something as well. When I let go of control? When I stopped trying to tell him what to do? I gave him room to do things his way. And his way was beautiful. 

He is patient, and kind, but firm. He guided us into all of this slowly, but he talked to me. He asked me questions, about how I felt and what I was thinking. And I gave him everything. All of my thoughts and feelings. I told him my fears and my insecurities. And together, we worked through those things. 

I respected him more. 

If you do this for her? You may find that she respects you more, too. You see, disciplining her shows her that you care about her. 

Let's say she does something foolish and dangerous, like texting in her car while she's driving. She could get herself, or someone else killed! People who do this do get killed, all the time! If you put her over your knee and give her a spanking for it, she'll think twice before she does that again. She loves you, so she really doesn't want to do anything you don't want her to. But she'll also know...that you love her so much, you don't want her to hurt herself. That her safety and well-being are important to you, so SHE is important to you. Maybe you already tell her that, that she's important to you. But aren't actions louder than words? When Jason spanks me for doing something dangerous, he shows me that my safety is important to him so I am important to him.

At first, Jason was afraid of hurting me. But let me tell you something. You know that sex life thing I mentioned earlier? We've had some really hot and heavy nights together...and I could handle a hell of a lot more than he thought I could. So we worked through it, together. 

I wanted him to discipline me, because I wanted to change myself. There were things about me I didn't like, and I had a hard time changing them on my own. 

Maybe she wants you to help her, too.

I appreciated him so much more. It meant so much to me,  that he would do this for me. I was so grateful, I was eager to please him. I still feel that way. She may, too. 

I wanted him to spank me, because I liked how I felt calmed, and centered, and at peace after he did. 

Maybe she wants to feel that release of tension, fears, and anxiety. 

When he takes the lead, it brings quiet to my mind. When he's in charge, I feel protected and safe. When he spanks me, I feel attracted to him. When he disciplines me, I feel loved. 

When he takes the lead, he no longer has to worry about a nagging, cantankerous wife. He's got someone who is so eager to please him, she'd do anything for him (and I do mean anything). When he's in charge, there are no arguments or unsettled issues. He feels I respect and trust him. When he spanks me, it turns him on. He says nothing is sexier than my desire to please him, and taking me over his lap is an instant turn-on. When he disciplines me, he knows he's fulfilling my needs and helping me grow. 

Maybe you'll find this is the case for you. There's no need to do it anyone else's way but yours. When I tried to tell Jason what to do, he told me, “We do this my way or we don't do it.” And his way was different from what I'd read about, but that had to happen. I didn't know it at the time, but I know it now. We had to find our way. 

I promise that there are struggles, and trial and error. It's a necessary part of growth. But, we found it was absolutely worth the effort. 

I bet you will, too.

Thank you for reading. 

I wish you the best as you two find your way.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Blogger Policy Change (Updated)

Update: Blogger has decided not to change their policy after all, so it looks like there's no worries for those of us with the "adult content" notification.


I received the following message from The Blogger Team yesterday. The last time we got a notifcation like this, I know many bloggers didn't receive it, so I thought I'd post it here for those who may have missed it. 


Dear Blogger User,

We're writing to tell you about an upcoming change to the Blogger Content Policy that may affect your account.

In the coming weeks, we'll no longer allow blogs that contain sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video. We'll still allow nudity presented in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts, or where there are other substantial benefits to the public from not taking action on the content.

The new policy will go into effect on the 23 of March, 2015. After this policy goes into effect, Google will restrict access to any blog identified as being in violation of our revised policy. No content will be deleted, but only blog authors and those with whom they have expressly shared the blog will be able to see the content we've made private.

Our records indicate that your account may be affected by this policy change. Please refrain from creating new content that would violate this policy. Also, we ask that you make any necessary changes to your existing blog to comply as soon as possible, so that you won't experience any interruptions in service. You may also choose to create an archive of your content via Google Takeout (https://www.google.com/settings/takeout/custom/blogger).

For more information, please read here (https://support.google.com/blogger?p=policy_update).

Sincerely,
The Blogger Team