Thursday, November 20, 2014

A Risk I'm Willing to Take

The other night I needed to talk to Jason. I had so much on my mind. I'd had a few things happen that were bothering me. I was hurt. It didn't have anything to do with him, but other things that had happened. So I climbed the stairs to our bedroom where he was, and I asked him, “May I talk to you?”

I'd been holding onto a lot of things, not because I wanted to keep things back from him, but because I'd been processing through them and we really hadn't had much time to talk. I had some things I had to talk about dealing with our family, some things that were weighing on me. I wanted to tell him how badly I miss my dad, and how it saddens me to think of the upcoming holidays I will face for the first time without him.

He did what he always did. He put down what he was doing, lifted his arm up for me to crawl under, and said, “I'd love to hear what's on your mind. Why don't you come and tell me.”

I really don't have the words to express how grateful I am for him, that he does that for me. I know I've said it before. But knowing there isn't anything I can't tell him, knowing that I have his kind, empathetic ear whenever I need him, it means so much to me. He's the kind of person that always looks at things very honestly – never sugarcoating them. He will be blunt and always very forthright. But at the same time, he always looks at things positively. “Always assume the positive,” is his line, and he's taught me that.

He listened. I talked, and the emotions I'd been holding at bay broke. I cried, as I told him some things that had happened, specifically the details of why I was upset about what happened with a friend.

And as he held me, smoothing my hair down and holding me tight as I cried onto his shoulder, he said something that really struck a chord.

“It's the risk you take, when you love someone.”

I knew what he meant. When you let your guard down, and you trust someone, allowing yourself to be transparent, and vulnerable, you allow yourself to be hurt.

And it got me thinking about something else that's been on my mind, the concern that readers of this blog and a real life friend of mine who knows our dynamic have expressed to me, on more than one occasion, about the intimacy I have with Jason, and the nature of our relationship. Any reader of this blog will know how much I think of him. He is everything to me. And it's also, I think, very clear how very intertwined our lives are with one another.

I've heard it several times now. And it's a very real concern, a very real fear, and an understandable one.

“What happens if you lose him? You're so tied to him. What would happen if he were gone?”

And one reader, “I hope you don't wake up one day and wish for your independence back.”

“Is it healthy to rely so much on him?”

Frankly, their concern is that building a relationship with such a heavy level of dependency is a dangerous choice. That if the day came I no longer had his dominance, I would be unable to function.

What happens if I lose him? It's not something I like to think about, of course, but it's a very real concern for a submissive. A submissive comes to rely so heavily on her Dom. He takes care of all my needs, of course. Yes, he pays all our bills, and makes sure I'm taken care of in every way physically. He protects me by making sure I get enough sleep, that I don't take too much on, and that my priorities are in check. But he also meets my emotional needs. He is my confidante. He knows my weaknesses, and my strengths, and he leads me in such a way that my emotional needs are taken care of. He knows my every need and provides for those needs.

But as Jason's a risk you take, when you love someone.

If the day comes that I lose Jason's leadership and dominance...or I lose him...I will not lie. It would be absolutely devastating to me, of course. It's something we talk about, not just me losing him, but him losing me. He tells me, those times when we're alone, and it's quiet, how I've brought joy to him, and the thought of losing me is hard to bear.

But this is where our faith comes into play. I don't often blog about our faith. It isn't the subject of this blog, and I aim to write for a diverse audience. But I can't really discuss the dependent nature of our relationship without explaining how our faith is tied in. You see, we believe that when we took our vows to one another, we agreed to give ourselves completely to one another. We agreed to entwine our lives irrevocably. 

“And the two shall become one.”

Our choice to meet each other's needs in a deeper, more intimate, erotic, romantic way – this choice to make dominance and submission foundational – is merely an extension of what we believe our relationship should be. A choice to give ourselves completely to the other. A choice to love one another so deeply, we'd be willing to give up our lives for the other.

I don't really view our relationship as co-dependency. I prefer to view it as completion, the symbiotic meeting of one another's needs.

If ever there comes a day I lose him, I will take everything he's taught me, about myself, about others, about life – and I will continue to do the very best I can, with the firm belief that our separation from one another is only for a time. 

When I told him recently that another reader wrote to me, expressing her concerns about how I would function without him, he smiled at me, reached out for me, and hugged me close. “You would be fine,” he said. "You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself."  I know he's right. I can't fathom how badly it would hurt, but I would go on.

But as he so aptly put it, that's the risk you take, when you love someone.

And it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Friday, November 14, 2014

A different kind of hunger

Early on in our dynamic, I longed to feel Jason's dominance. 

I was asked fairly recently by a reader why it is that oftentimes submissives need more and more, as things progress. I explained that for me, and I suspect possibly for others as well, things were different when we began than they are now, two years later. Although Jason has always been the dominant partner, I did not have rules, and he did not punish me. He didn't understand me as well, nor I him. We didn't spend nearly the amount of time with each other, and we certainly didn't revel in each other as we do now.

I had no idea I had a thirst for his dominance. I had no idea I craved his discipline. And when we began, it was like my hunger was awakened. That first taste had me craving more, and more.  The more I tasted what I longed for, the hungrier I became.

Over time, though, that has changed. I worried initially – and so did he – that my hunger would never be sated. It seemed like he could never spank me long enough, or hard enough, or often enough. He feared hurting me. I feared I would never be content. But that hunger did subside. Though I still have a deep longing to submit to him, and to be dominated by him, he knows what I need and meets those needs in spades. Simply put, my hunger is usually completely satisfied and if it isn't, I never have to wait long. He knows my needs (as I know his -- different, but varied), and he tends to them.

So early on, if he granted me mercy, I wouldn't see it as such. I disliked that he did. It left me feeling hurt (does he not care?), uneasy (is he ever going to spank me again?), and unsettled (doesn't he realize I need this?).

But that isn't the way things are anymore. Now, he is very firm. I feel his expectations for me are very high. I find him fair, but very strict. As I mentioned recently in another post, I do not get second chances, or warnings.

However, he occasionally weighs all circumstances and grants me mercy. This happened recently.

The incident involved a rule that I have with my phone. I now have restrictions on my online time and my phone, when and how I can use them, and what must be done first. I'm not allowed to be on my phone or the computer when I have more important priorities or tasks to be done. Now, he hadn't really clarified his expectations, and the rule was somewhat ambiguous. Although I understood his basic reasoning, I wasn't exactly sure which things I needed to have done first, and I had a more liberal idea of this than he did.

So, feeling a bit guilty, but still not exactly sure that I was disobeying him, I used my phone when I really shouldn't have. I decided I would explain what happened, and ask for clarification on his expectations when he came home so I would do better. For some reason, I never really entertained the thought that I would be in trouble. I didn't think I really had broken the rule. So goes the justification sometimes... I thought when he'd come home, he'd clarify his expectations. 

That's not exactly what happened.

When he came home, we had our talk that we always have. I usually kneel, my forearms resting on his legs, as we talk about our day. He listens, and we may talk about things that came up, or how we're going to spend our evening. But he always begins our nightly check-in with the same basic question. And that night was no exception.

A finger under my chin, he lifted my eyes to his and asked, “Were you a good girl today?”

I squirmed, knowing I had to discuss the phone issue with him. I blurted it all out, that I knew what his expectations were, what I did and why, and I asked him to please clarify exactly what it is that he expected of me. Still, I hadn't really expected that I would get in trouble.

He frowned, that steely glint coming into his blue eyes. “You know what I expect from you.”

I nodded. “Well, yes, I do, but I--”

"Did I, or did I not, tell you to make sure you did what you were supposed to before you got distracted with your phone?" 

"Well, yes. You did," I responded, justification flying out the window, my stomach sinking.

“Then you disobeyed me.” I quaked at the look he was giving me.

“I didn't mean to,” I whispered. “Please don't punish me,” I asked, twisting my hands and looking down, not able to make eye contact. I don't like that sometimes I ask him not to punish me. I wish I had the courage to face him when I'm in trouble, but I sometimes I don't.

“Look at me.” I'm not supposed to break eye contact with him when he's talking to me. He wants to be able to read me. 

I obeyed, looking back at him. I felt a lump rise in my throat and tears glistening in my eyes. I swallowed.

“Go get the brush,” he commanded.

I rose, shuffling over to where our implements are hidden, and as I retrieved the dreaded brush (I really, truly despise that thing), I couldn't keep it in any longer. The tears began.

I handed him the brush, and as he prepared to punish me, and I lay over his lap, he asked me the question I dread.

“How many do you think you deserve?” he asked sternly. It's not a question up for debate. No, that's not at all why he does it. It's absolutely not a decision made by committee vote. He asks me to make me think about what I've done.

“'s up to you,” I answered, knowing now that I should've paid closer attention to what he said to me, squirming, knowing Jason does not take punishment lightly, and also knowing he wouldn't let me get away without answering, I suggested what I thought was a fair, though serious, number.

He paused. “Why are you crying?” he asked.

I lay over his lap, sniffling quietly into the bed. I didn't really know why I was crying. It was a whole bunch of things all at once. I hadn't really meant to disobey him. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I know what I did and why. I hate letting him down, and it grieves me to do something worthy of punishment. I want to please him.

Not knowing how to answer him, trying to be brave and accept my punishment, I lay as still as I could over his lap while I answered, “Because I don't want to be punished.”  Maybe not the best answer, but it was truthful. I didn't.

Without another word, he gave me a handful of sharp swats. Then he surprised me by putting the brush on the bed. “This is over,” he said. “Come here.”

He pulled me up off his lap and into his arms, as I continued to cry, overcome with emotion. He put his thumb on my cheek and brushed the tears away.

“This is what I'm aiming for when I punish you,” he said softly, the sternness gone now. “I want to see you repent. I want to know you're sorry for what you've done and you won't do it again.”

He held me as he continued to wipe my tears away.

“Shhh, now,” he said. “You were already there before I punished you. You were a good girl, ready to take your punishment. So this is over now.” I nodded, so very grateful for his mercy, so very grateful for being understood.

He lifted my chin and had me look at him again. “Do I want this happening again?” he asked, stern again, while I shook my head.

“Oh, no sir, it won't, I promise I'll be so good, I won't disobey you.” 

And I haven't. Now I know exactly what he expects, and I'm very careful not to stray. When in doubt, I ask him.

You see, in the beginning, I hungered for his dominance and discipline. And as I've said, that hunger has abated. But I have a new hunger now. As we've moved into a satisfying place of knowing our roles, of meeting each other's needs, of learning together as we meet those needs, daily striving to be more loving, more giving, growing closer and closer together...I long for something else.

Now, I yearn to be his good girl. Now, that gnawing hunger is to please him. I don't always, and he knows that, but I love that he can read my heart, and he knows where my heart lies... my heart is in his hands, his girl forever.

And really, isn't that what this is all about?

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Happy LOL Day!

Good morning! Phew, it's been a while since I've blogged. I've been knee-deep in some personal projects and my free time has evaporated. I've missed you, readers! 

Today is LOL Day. It's a really fun day we bloggers participate in, as it's a day we celebrate all of you who lurk and read our blogs but don't necessarily post. And we do our very best to get you to come out of hiding. 

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

This was the discussion I had with Jason about LOL Day. 

Me: "Hey, babe. Remember last year we had LOL Day on the blog?"

Him: ::grunts in reply:: (Have you ever noticed Doms grunt a lot in reply?)

Me: "Well, I'm thinking of participating again. What do you think?" 

Him: "Do it." (Have you ever noticed Doms are very direct?)

Me: "Okay. What about me writing on other blogs? I'm still not allowed, right?" 

Him: "NO writing on other blogs." (It's a safety thing -- my apologies to my fellow bloggers. Know I support you anyway!)

Me: "Well, last year, you offered to answer some questions. You haven't written for the blog in a while. What do you think? Want to do it again?" 

Him: "Sure. I'll answer anything they ask." 

Me: "We might get some mean questions like we did last year." 

Him: ::looking stern and formidable:: "Who cares?" (Ever notice how sexy stern and formidable can look? lol)

Me: "Alrighty, then." 

So, there ya go. I'm sending my love and support to my fellow bloggers today! 

And a big shout out to my readers. 

Do you have any questions you'd like to ask The Boss? 

And I'd like to make a contibution of my own. I know some of you enjoy reading in the DS genre. For every TEN people who post to the blog, I will post a ds-themed work of fiction or poetry I've written.

Thank you SO much for all of your support. We love you, lurkers!