Sunday, January 8, 2017

Ten Excellent Ways to Complicate Your Relationship

We've had a few pretty intense posts lately! I hope this post is lighthearted yet thought-provoking. Thank you to my friend who suggested it! Please do keep in mind that this post is tongue-in-cheek and not picking on any of YOU but drawing from *my* personal experience. Happy Sunday. :)



TEN WAYS TO REALLY COMPLICATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

  1. Compare yourself to others. 
One really easy way to complicate your relationship, perhaps the most common, and one I certainly fell victim to myself (and still do sometimes!) is to compare your relationship to others. Not satisfied with your man's level of dominance? Not happy with how your submissive needs to learn to behave herself a bit better? Well, if you want to really make things difficult, I strongly recommend playing The Comparison Game, in which you look at others, and assume that you should be just like they are. Bonus points: bring up other couples in heated discussions with your spouse.


  1. Demand it all, now.

Sure, Rome wasn't built in a day, but relationships should be, right? Why not? If people can believe in love-at-first-sight, why not dom-at-first-wish or sub-at-first-frown? Yes, I know that experienced D/s or DD couples say that it takes a lot of time to do things like work out the kinks (see what I did there? Heh heh), and it takes a lot of communication and that you're going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but who has time for that? A nice way of making things a bit more challenging is by demanding it all now. And while you're at it, go ahead and try to run a 5k (most especially if you've never run one before) or attempt to climb Mount Washington (strong recommendation that you come at this cold). Let's be efficient and cross off all them things on your bucket list, eh?

  1. Do not tell your partner what your needs are.

In an effort to make this much harder than it needs to, it's imperative that you never communicate clearly. Subs, assume he knows that you want to feel his dominance, or that you need a good ol' stress relief spanking. Hey, isn't telling him what you need topping from the bottom anyway? While you're at it, maybe ask him to scratch your back but don't tell him where you're itchy, or sit down in front of him and tell him you're starving and ask him to figure out what you're craving. The Guessing Game is part of the fun, right? Doms, assume she knows you need space to process, or time alone, or time to adjust to something she's asked. Never ask her if her needs are met, and assume if she hasn't told you she's troubled or needy, that she isn't. Bonus points: Experienced couples, never discuss the changing needs of your dynamic, and assume things will remain stagnant.

  1. Tell your partner how to do things.
Another very efficient way of complicating your dynamic is to tell your partner how to do things. Submissives, be sure that you tell him exactly how he should be doing things. Tell him what implements to use, how long to spank you, what kind of rules must be part of your dynamic, and how he should perform aftercare. Doms, assume she knows already exactly what your expectations are for her and don't try to explain, or break her in easily. (Refer back to #2).

  1. Spend more time in fantasyland than reality.
Another great way to complicate things is by dwelling in fantasyland. I used to be so good at this,a nd heartily recommend it as one of the best ways to make yourself dissatisfied with what you have. Here are some ways to do it – immerse yourself in blogs, fiction, or discussion with other lifestylers, but be sure the time you spend in fantasyland far outweighs the time you actually spend communicating, being intimate with, and meeting the needs of your partner. Bonus points: Extra points if you can do this while denying your own needs to get good sleep, eat a balanced diet, get to the gym, or spending time with loved ones.

  1. Put your needs above your partner's. 
This is actually a fantastic way of complicating most relationships, not just a D/s dynamic. Stop thinking of the needs of others, and put your needs above all else. Your Dominant is working over time this week, isn't feeling well, or needs some down time? Well, for goodness sakes, that doesn't matter. Demand attention, and demand it now. I used to be so good at this and still do it quite well from time to time!Your need to feel his dominance is far more important than any need he has, right? Dominants: demand she obey but be sure you neglect to hold her, listen to her, and tell her she's special to you. Assume that making her obey will get her in tip top shape. After all, the other stuff is for guys trying to land a girl, right? You've already got her. Who has time to put down the video game/remote/phone and give her a little cuddle? Bonus points: make sex about you, too.

  1. Don't talk to each other
This one is quite easy to do. Don't discuss plans. Don't discuss your relationship. Don't discuss rules, or expectations, or needs. Assume your partner can read your mind, and if they can't, then go on back to suggestion number one.

  1. Talk to others instead of your partner.
When things go wrong, don't talk to your partner. Talk to someone else. I mean, this makes sense, right? The submissive you met in a chat room you've never met in real life knows you far better than the man who met you out of high school, held your hand while you delivered his baby, and helped you struggle with tragic loss and gains...right? Dominants, when your submissive misbehaves, tell another Dom! Validate your feelings of anger. Bonus points: extra super duper bonus points if, during times of struggle, you actually have the guts to pour your heart and soul to a member of the opposite sex.

  1. Assume your partner can read your mind
Gosh, this is pretty much a specialty of mine, and yet another strong recommendation I'd like to make for those interested in complicating their dynamic. It goes hand in hand with #3. Submissives: if it was really important to him, he would know, wouldn't he? So clearly, if he doesn't, somehow he failed miserably in Dom School (wait...you mean your husband didn't go to Dom School either? Didn't all of them??). Dominants: Never explain your reasoning behind a rule, expectation, or how you'd like your dynamic to play out. Your word is law, so why do you have to explain yourself? Isn't that what being a Dom is...laying down the law, and busting her ass if she fails to comply? Bonus points if you can send a text and assume they can read the tone, or between the lines.

  1. Fill your days so you have no time for each other.
And finally, my number one recommendation for complicating your dynamic: be sure you don't have any time for each other. Don't eat family meals together. Never go on dates. Don't talk or text during the day, or have sit-downs or check-in's where you go over shared goals, dreams, or responsibilities. Make everyone else far more important than the very person you pledged yourself to. Make volunteering, socializing, or work way more important than your spouse. Never vacation together. Don't make out, make love, or snuggle. Bonus points: go great lengths of time without fueling your intimacy.




And there you have it folks. I sincerely hope you don't take any of my advice! ;)

Monday, January 2, 2017

A "Clean the Slate" Spanking

Happy New Year, readers. I sincerely hope 2017 is a year of love, happiness, and blessings!

On New Year's Eve, we had a quiet evening in with some yummy food and drinks with our kiddos. While Jason and the kids did their typical New Year's Eve tradition of watching movies (Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter – we alternate!) I flitted around preparing food, catching bits of the movie, and sitting down to pen some goals for 2017. It was fun to see my list of goals for 2016 and see where I met some, exceeded some, and didn't meet others, and reflect on the year behind me. And when we were alone that evening, as I was sitting in bed next to him, I had an idea.

I wanted to start the year clean. Get a fresh outlook and perspective. Be motivated to put my focus where it should be. And I had an idea. The idea made me a little nervous, but also eager. So I discussed it with Jason.

The conversation went something like this. “Daddy, I'm wondering...maybe you will consider giving me a “clean slate” spanking to start off the year? To help get me motivated to really do what I need to do.” He was curious, so he put down what he was doing, opened up his arm, and beckoned for me to come on over and snuggle. Many of our intimate conversations happen with me tucked up on his chest in bed. So over I went.

What do you mean?” he asked. “What do you have in mind?” It was then that I got a little more nervous and I squirmed a bit.

Well...sometimes I don't exactly tell you everything. It's not that I lie to you. But I forget things. And I know there were lots of times that I forgot to tell you something that you wouldn't have really approved of. And I thought maybe it would be good to start over. Clean the slate.”

He drew his brows together and grew even more serious. “What types of things don't you tell me?”

Well...you know, sometimes maybe I go over the speed limit and don't remember to tell you right away. Orrr...the girls are baking, and I need to taste the frosting, and I don't try it just once but maybe I taste it like four times and I know I'm not allowed to eat sweets without permission. Or...the times I swear and don't fess up, or do what I'm supposed to be doing, like texting when I'm supposed to be sleeping or something like that. Little things that I don't always remember to tell you. Then, after days pass it just seems silly to bring them all up again.”

He was pretty damn serious at this point.

He does not expect perfection from me. And I would say that most of those little things that sorta niggled at me wouldn't have even been things he'd necessarily punish me for. He doesn't want me being scrupulous and tattle on myself for every little thing. He wants me to keep trying to be good, to take care of myself, to focus on the right priorities, and to lean on him. But I wanted that good, clean slate.

He gave me a good swat. “You shouldn't be doing those things, baby,” he said. I nodded, a bit chastened already. I was really squirming having this conversation. But it was really late at this point, so he just gave me a kiss, and told me we would talk the next day.

The next day, as he was sitting up in bed after I'd brought him his morning coffee, the first thing he said to me was, “I haven't forgotten what we discussed last night.” He was smiling, though, not angry or anything.

You mean the...clean slate spanking I asked for?”

Yup.”

I shifted a bit on the bed and looked away. Now I was feeling pretty nervous. I knew in my gut this wasn't going to be like my typical morning maintenance. I knew it wasn't going to be like a serious punishment either. The truth was, I had no idea what to expect. He sent me downstairs to get my breakfast while he made sure the kids were occupied, and I started working on writing some lesson-planning notes while I ate my breakfast. About ten minutes later, he called my name and said, “Please come up when you are ready.”

Now I was a total and complete ball of nerves. My stomach was churning, my heart pitter-pattering in my chest. I suddenly got very busy doodling in the margins of my notebook. I took a deep breath, and decided now or never. I put my notes down, and went upstairs to where he was waiting.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, in his jeans and a long-sleeved blue top, and my heart did that little stutter thing because I'm smitten with him. Next to him on the bed was the long bamboo rod. I have no idea where we got this thing. I think it was the handle of a fishing net or something and when it broke off, Jason snagged it and put it in his desk drawer. Yikes. It quietly whips through the air, stings like crazy, and suffice it to say, I'm not a big fan. Anyway, in I went. He got up, locked the door, and pointed for me to kneel. Down to the floor I dropped, between his knees, as we talked through what was going to happen.

He held my chin, maintaining eye contact, as he asked me to explain why I wanted this spanking. I told him – I want to start fresh. I want to be honest, and focus on what I want to improve. He was very serious the whole time, nodding and listening.

You need this,” he said, still holding me by the chin. “I didn't know that you weren't telling me those little things.”

It's not like I do it on purpose,” I explained, not justifying but clarifying. “It's especially hard when we don't check in at night, because there are so many things on my mind that I don't remember what I was supposed to tell you. And then it all just fades.”

He nodded. “So my goal in 2017 is to make sure I'm very consistent with you and check in with you every evening. I can recognize that was my fault, not making sure I checked in with you as regularly as I should have.” I nodded, grateful that he was willing to recognize what he wants to do better. Then he released my chin and said to me, “Prepare yourself. You need a good spanking, and I'm going to give you what you need. Get over my knee.”



Oh boy. Yeah, I was pretty nervous at that point. I swear almost every single time he spanks me he starts with, “Get over my knee” and that never fails to make me squirm. Sometimes he spanks me over his lap, both feet straight off the floor, but most of the time it's over one knee. When I was over his knee, squeezing my eyes tight, with my upper body on the bed, prepared for what I both wanted and didn't, he pulled down my leggings all the way down to my ankles. He doesn't always do that. It is, shall we say, sobering.

And he began. He didn't lecture much, but started right in, slow and steady. I didn't fight much at first. When he punishes me, he usually has to hold me down, because I'm not so good at just taking it. This was harder than maintenance, but not as hard as punishment. It was actually exactly what I needed. I guess you'd call it a “deep clean” sort of spanking. Firm, deliberate strokes, slow and steady and on and on it went. A few times I whispered, “ow, daddy,” but I tried to be brave and just take it. It hurt, though, a lot, and to my surprise, about halfway through, I found myself crying. I didn't even know why I was crying, but I did, my hands clenched the bedspread as the tears flowed, focusing on the firm, steady grip of his hand around my waist that both anchors and reassures me when he spanks me. He wasn't done, not by a long shot, and the next thing I knew, his legs were over mine, and he continued, but now he started talking.

Daddy's going to make sure you have the very best 2017 you can possibly have. You're going to do what you need to, and I'm going to be there to help you.” A few strokes landed on my upper thighs and yikes did that hurt. Gosh, the sting, it burned. I continued to sniffle, taking my spanking, allowing myself to experience that cathartic release that I knew I needed. I couldn't do anything but focus on my submission, every stroke bringing me closer to submission to him, letting go of the past, baring me to him in every way possible.


And then he was done. I was crying steadily now, as his large hand rubbed out the sting. “Look at you,” he said with a bit of amusement, but a sort of quiet pride, like he was proud of me for taking my spanking, and I could hear in his voice how precious I am to him. “Your bottom is striped like a baby tiger.” I smiled through my tears as he massaged my tender skin. “You may use the arnica today if you need to, if it'll help ease the sting.” I'm not allowed to use arnica after a punishment. This was different. Still, I told him I didn't want to. Somehow, I needed to keep feeling this one.

I wiped at my eyes, as he placed me on the floor between his knees. I put my head in his lap and just cried. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. It wasn't like when I'm punished and I'm remorseful. It was more than that. It was a sort of release, I think, a purging, if you will, but also laced with the deep satisfaction that comes from having my emotional needs met. The tears were also born of heartfelt gratitude that he's my Dominant, that he's so serious about taking care of me, protecting me, disciplining me, and loving me. He didn't scoff at my request but understood what I needed, and he met those needs. As I'm sitting here typing all this, my body still aches from that spanking, and I'm misty-eyed all over again. There's oh-so-much wrapped into all of this. Trust. Thankfulness. Growth. Intimacy. Eroticism.

I couldn't stop crying. I was sort of a wreck. He leaned down and said, “would you like if daddy brushed your hair?” I nodded, and he got up, went to the bathroom, fetched some tissues and a hairbrush, and returned to me. I wiped my tears and blew my nose and put my head on his lap while he brushed my hair, and he talked in low, soothing tones about how pretty he thinks my hair is, how I'm his babygirl, and how this is going to be a good year for me.

He put the brush down, and I wrapped my arms tight around him. We kissed. The kissing led to other delicious things. And we rang in 2017 in the most delightful way possible.


I never planned on asking him for this. I had no idea I even needed it. I'm a little shy even posting this, because it's personal, and I know not everyone will really even understand. I'm not even sure I do. But I'm not going to explain any more than I already have. It was exactly what I needed. It was cathartic, and healing, and even I, who reaches for words as the easiest way of communicating my thoughts and feelings, sniffling my way through this post that I knew I needed to write, am at a complete loss for the words to describe how very much I love him.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

To Whom Should You Submit?

I originally wrote this post about a year and a half ago because several readers approached me, asking me things that I found a bit troubling. First, one reader asked if I assumed the man in the relationship is always right, and she pointed out that a marriage should not be based on domineering behavior (I don't think men are always right and agree that dominance and domineering are two different things). Another told me that my posts could be used to justify abusive behavior.

So I drafted (and have since rewritten) the post below, in the hopes of encouraging safe, happy, healthy dynamics: 

I've been blogging now for a few years now, which means that I get quite a few readers. Of the many readers who visit daily, a very, very small portion comment and an even smaller portion write to me. We're talking a fraction of one percent who are in contact with me. Of the people who comment and write, the vast majority are either in a DD or DS dynamic, or want to be. Most are married couples, most in a traditional male-led dynamic. Some are just interested in DD, yes, but most who communicate with me are in a healthy relationship. So I assume, when writing, that the average readers is in, or wants to be in, a healthy relationship.

I apologize for having made this assumption. It pains me to think that something I have posted could be used to defend an unhealthy, harmful relationship. So please, allow me a minute to assert a few important facts. 

Not all men are worthy of submission. 

I've said it before, but it needs to be said again. Leadership and domination are not the same as abuse. You should always feel safe and cared for; if you don't, then please ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Please do not consent to submit to a man who is abusive, an addict, or mentally ill. When you submit yourself to someone, you put yourself at great risk. You are extremely vulnerable. You can be hurt both physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Ask yourself: do I feel safe? Do I trust this person? Can he be depended on to make mature, responsible decisions? Can he handle the responsibility of being in authority? Is he motivated for selfish reasons, or does he love me? Is he mature enough to meet my needs? 

You are worthy of love. Please don't let your desire to loved, taken care of, and protected, cloud your judgment. 

There are many who read this blog because they are interested in submission, and are testing the waters by going online trying to meet a Dom. Please, dear readers, be careful. Please do not submit to anyone unless he has demonstrated the maturity necessary to handle the responsibility of a Dom.

Though Jason and I know a variety of couples and support all walks of life and all levels of D/s on the power exchange spectrum, we can only, in good conscience, support dynamics that are safe, sane, and consensual. 

Is the behavior you engage in safe? Is the submissive physically able to withstand discipline or erotic spanking? Is the dominant able of controlling his own emotions so that they do not cloud his judgment? Are safe guards (such as sit-downs, check-in's, safe words, and code words) in place in the dynamic to allow both the Submissive and Dominant partners to communicate even during emotionally-charged situations? Even healthy D/s relationships need to keep guidelines in place. Just yesterday, Jason gave me a swat that landed right around my lower back and I had to remind him not to swat me there, because the kidneys or my spine can be injured. It was accidental, and we take precautions, but accidents can happen. Does the dominant partner test each implement about before use? 

Is the behavior you engage in sane? Now, what Jason and I deem sane someone else may define as insanity and vice versa. Surely there really is gray area here. For us, this means that punishment be reasonable. For us, the rule of thumb is that erotic spankings are below my tolerance, stress relief or role affirmation just at tolerance, and punishment just above. Jason does spank hard, but he knows me really, really well. Sometimes even play spankings are long and hard, but we communicate throughout, and have communicated effectively enough, that he knows where he can take me. Some couples believe in safe words and agree on that ahead of time. Some find that spanking can only happen for punishment after both parties are prepared, and emotionally stable. What is sane in your dynamic depends heavily on the individual but must be discussed. 

Is your dynamic consensual? Now, I don't mean that I go to Jason every single time and say, "yes, I deserve this, please punish me." Heck, some of the time I'm trying to talk him out of it, and sometimes I am resisting with everything in me, but I do trust him, so even then, I've consented for him to discipline me when he deems it necessary. Just because I want to be disciplined doesn't mean I like when I am. Some consider this "consensual non-consent." But please do ask yourself if your dynamic is consensual. And may I gently suggest in my humble opinion, that if one believes he or she is ordained by God, or mandated by God to discipline his wife, in certain circumstances this very well may negate consent because the submissive partner feels obligated. Please, if you are in a non-consensual relationship, consider discussing this with your partner. Non-consent will rarely lead to the intimacy and peace sought after by most D/s couples. For those interested in further reading, I discussed my personal opinion on equality and respect in this thread.

Thank you for listening. Have a safe, happy, healthy holiday season! 

With love,

Jane (Jason's Girl)