Monday, May 27, 2013

The angel on my shoulder


I sit here writing while my kids are watching a tv show and breakfast is being prepared.

I'm disappointed. 

My husband made a promise to me, and it's clear this morning that he isn't going to fulfill that promise when I thought he would. It's not because he doesn't love me. It's not because he doesn't mean what he says. It's simply because he's tired. 

He will do what he said, just not when I thought he would.

This is hard for me. It makes me want to scream and yell and throw a fit. See? The shrew isn't tamed yet. 

I'm sometimes a good girl, but I tell Jason that sometimes that little devil on my shoulder wins the battle in my head. Today, I'm doing my level best to listen to the angel on the other shoulder. 

I need one of these t-shirts.

image courtesy of Etsy


It's far easier for me to say "yes" than to accept a "no."

"Please don't spend money like that again without asking me," he says.

I nod my head. "Yes, Jason." I will try my best to remember to obey him. This is the easier part. 

"No, you're not getting that new phone you asked me for. I have my reasons, and I'm saying no." 

That's far harder for me. 

I had expectations. I had my hopes set on what he told me he'd do. How do I get over this disappointment? I remind myself my husband isn't perfect. I remind myself of all the wonderful, amazing, good things about him. 

I self-talk. 

"He's the best father a mother could ask for. He works hard. He's responsible and diligent, and so loving to you. He gives you everything you need, if you are only patient with him. He needs his sleep now. He needs you to let him rest. Don't be selfish. Let go of what you want, and trust him."

Why punish him with a fit? He doesn't deserve my brattiness. He deserves my respect and love.

The hardest part for me is when the truly submissive thing to do is to let go of my own expectations and submit myself to his. 

It's a daily struggle. A daily walk. 

A smile instead of a frown. 

A meek "yes" when I want to scream "no!"

Making myself ask, "What will please him?" instead of, "Poor me."

Listening to the angel on my shoulder.

Submission Impossible? Not today.



2 comments:

  1. I love this piece!
    "What will please him?" I think I'm going to put a code for that on my phone lock screen as a more than daily reminder.
    If this is still something you feel at times, you should totally bump this up, so more people will read it. I also think it would make a perfect add-on to your cultivating submission series...

    ReplyDelete

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