One night I was irritable. I had prepared dinner while the little ankle biters destroyed the dining room and my husband surfed the web. Did I tell him I needed him? No. Did he know? No. I bottled it all up until he came to dinner and I lost it.
You know that point when you know you should stop right now but you don't? Well, I do, too.
I started in on him. He looked at me sternly and said, "Enough. Stop this now."
Did I listen? Nope.
"But I just want to --" I began.
"We are not having this conversation right now and in front of the kids. Stop it!" He commanded.
In a fit of temper, I stormed away from the table and slammed into my room, where I nursed my wounds.
I told you. Brat.
A while later I came back down and pouted my way through the meal.
I didn't realize he was glaring at me from across the table. When I finally did my heart stopped at the look on his face. My Jason so very rarely gets angry, that when he does, he's a force to be reckoned with. You know the look. The "You are in so much trouble" look.
"After dinner," he mouthed over the heads of our kids, "Upstairs."
At this point the silly little brat that I am thought, "Well maybe he just wants to apologize for being so unfair." Seriously.
It's okay, you can laugh at me. I cannot even believe how selfish and immature I was being!
But I realized he was still glaring at me. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were flashing. Now I started getting nervous. I started to clear the table.
"Now?" I choked out.
I fairly stomped upstairs. How could he be so unfair? It wasn't right. He was so mean! I knew when he came up I'd get a spanking, but I was still having a fit. I was still wrapped up in me.
I heard him calmly cleaning the dining room and instructing the kids to occupy themselves. I heard the clink of the dishes, and my kids following his instructions. I heard him laughing with one child, then quietly correcting another.
I heard him being his patient, loving, steadfast self.
And I thought, "What have I done?"
He had me wait for him for about half an hour, and in that half hour, my entire mindset changed.
I thought of my actions. And reality dawned. I had been a total brat and I so deserved a spanking.
When he came up, he was still stern, but all traces of anger were gone.
"Where's the brush?" He barked. I pointed wordlessly to the dresser. He picked it up, then hauled me to the edge of the bed. I wordlessly stripped and got into position.
He laid that brush against me and lectured me. He'd never done this before.
"Do you know what happened when you left?" He asked quietly.
"You upset the kids. I spent the rest of the meal calming them down."
I felt tears come to my eyes. "I'm sorry."
"You should be," he said. And then in his patient voice, he said, "I know you've had a long day. I know you've been overwhelmed. I know you're tired."
I nodded, and started to cry. He is so good to me, and I had been so awful to him.
"When you need me, you tell me. But I don't ever want you to yell at me in front of the kids like that again. Do you understand me?"
"Yes," I whispered.
"It destroys the peace in this home. It upsets the kids. And I don't want that."
"I'm sorry," I said.
He spanked me long and hard and I deserved every single smack.
When he was done, he hugged me and I told him how sorry I was. He forgave me and I was shocked to hear him say, "Now you stay up here until I bring the kids to bed."
"Ok," I said humbly. I thought he wanted to punish me further, but he later told me he wanted me to rest because I was so tired.
This is one time I thought I didn't deserve it at first, but when all was said and done I really and truly did. When I bring myself back to that mindset of trusting him, I can see what he wants of me and how I fail. His patient guidance solidified my confidence in him, and I knew I could always trust him.
Later, my bottom still stung like crazy. "That hurt a lot," I said.
"I know," he replied. "It was supposed to."
"I'm sorry," I said.
"I forgive you," he said with a smile and a hug.
Sometimes, what I think I don't deserve is him. He's so good. But I try every day to be the good girl he deserves, and he's helping me get there.