Tuesday, June 18, 2013

But wait...how do I tell him what I need?

***This is a special request. JasonsGirl's people are talking to Bob's people on signing a long-term multi-billion dollar contract on posting together for the next couple of months or more but we need your help.What topics would you like to hear us debate about? The only stipulation is that it has to be SSC DD* related. So if you have a question that you would like us to answer please drop us a line and we will consider all questions.***

Today, Bob over at Thoughts on TTWD and I are posting together on a pretty common question that comes up in DD circles. How does a TiH communicate her needs to her Hoh? Bob says he has the "right" point of view, cuz he's the Hoh, but we know better, so we'll just let that little comment slide, m'kay? Here's Bob's highly superior take

Now, here's mine. 

First, it needs to be said, that I am by no means an expert on this topic. In fact, I'm really not an expert on any topic. I'm really just a girl finding my way around like everyone else. But, I've gotten some invaluable feedback from others in the DD community that has really helped me talk to Jason and communicate my needs in a way that is well received. 

I used to just come at him and tell him exactly what I wanted and what I needed, telling myself that it was good and healthy to communicate with my husband. I had little regard for how I was phrasing things, and would pretty much assume as long as I used a quiet voice, and tried to speak respectfully, he'd know where I was coming from. Right? 

Wrong. 

So when things like, "Baby, I really need you to spank me more," or "Honey, why aren't you the Perfect Dom of my dreams I read about in that book I downloaded from the internet?" didn't work, I felt like maybe it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut for the rest of my life. 

Okay, I'm being a bit facetious here but...maybe you get my point. 

Neither extreme approach really works.

There are two important things to keep in mind. 

1) Your needs ARE important and shouldn't be dismissed as irrelevant. 

2) But there are ways to communicate that are better than others. 



So how do you communicate your needs to your husband? I'm going to use the same example Bob used. Let's say I want my husband to be more dominant and spank me more. I am tired of feeling the pressure of everything. I need to feel that he's in control. I want to feel his dominance. I want that reassurance. 

It took several different people in several different ways to get me to really "understand" that men are problem solvers. They want to help solve your problems. But you have to show them first that you have a problem that needs solving. 

Tell him you have a problem, and you want his help.

When I said things like, "Honey, I need you to be more Dominant," my husband didn't hear, "I have a problem I need your help with." No. He heard, "You aren't doing it right." Not good. 

That's kinda like him telling me, "You're not thin enough," or "Don't you think that skirt makes your butt look fat?"

I don't recommend it. 

So instead of telling him he wasn't dominant enough, I said, "Jason, I have a problem. Can you please help me?"



Now he is likely all ears. If he isn't, ask yourself, are there other things at play? Did he just sit down to watch the championship football game he's been waiting for all day? Has the man not eaten anything for twelve hours? Did he just open the laptop to balance the checking account? Choose your timing carefully. Feed the man. Make sure it's a good time to talk. 

Now that you have his attention, make sure you use non-confrontational words. 

Choose non-confrontational "I" messages to communicate.

Instead of saying to Jason, "I need you to be more dominant," (read: you're not doing this right), I said, "I feel unsettled. I feel so much safer when you are dominant with me," and "I feel guilty about something, and I don't know what to do with these feelings." 

There are many, many examples of how the "I" message is more well received. 

Instead of "Why don't you ever do the dishes in this house? Why don't you even clear your plate after dinner? Am I your slave?" 

try

"I feel overwhelmed clearing the table all by myself after a long day. I appreciate it so much when you clear your place." 

Try it. You may be surprised at how communicating the same need differently makes a big impact. 




Finally, ask your Hoh what HE wants you to do about this problem.

After all, we Tih's are aiming for submission, right? What is more submissive than doing as we're asked?

So I started off telling Jason I had a problem. He was all ears. (He was well fed, and in bed, for the record.)

Then I stated what my problem was, using "I" phrases. 

Finally, I asked him, "What should I do about this?" 

When I told him I had a problem, he saw my needs as a  problem he could fix, not something he was doing wrong. 

When I communicated my needs with "I" messages, he saw his damsel in distress, not the shrew pointing a finger. 

When I asked him what he wanted me to do about it, he saw me taking the effort to be submissive, not topping from the bottom. 

I wanted my man to be more dominant. 

Boy did he deliver, and we all know how that ended up. 






*Safe, Sane, Consensual Domestic Discipline

4 comments:

  1. Good post there JG.
    Glad to here that you are shyly asking hubby for some things. WEG

    Bob

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  2. Oooh, first off, i'm going to have to put some thought into that and come up with some good questions for you two! These posts are fun to read. :)

    As for this subject, your advice has certainly helped me out lately in regards to this topic, and I think it was all said very well here. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great advice, I can't wait to try it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You don't. Women don't have needs.

    ReplyDelete

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