Thursday, June 27, 2013

He gives me what I need.

When I think back of the defining moments in our marriage, I think of many.

The natural birth Jason coached me through. How he held my hand and rubbed my back and did everything perfectly. The pride on his face when he handed me our daughter and said, "you did it, baby." Our wedding day. His graduation. Buying our first house together.

And because we are DD, there are discipline sessions that are burned in my memory.

There was one day when we were planning a fun night together. He worked late and when he came home, he was flirty and adorable.

And I had a guilty conscience because I had to tell him I disobeyed him.

I Told him. He sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this tonight," he said.

Oh, did that sting. I cried.

"I feel terrible," I whispered. "You seem so disappointed."

"I hate punishing you," he said. That broke my heart. "But I will do what I need to do to help you."

I went upstairs and he followed. He didn't lecture. He wasn't even stern. Just matter of fact. He leaned me over the bed. He is never too hard on me, but he knows how to spank me soundly. He takes me exactly to the point I need to feel repentant and sorrowful, and resolve to do better.

I vowed to myself that I would lie as still as possible and take it. I wouldn't fight or squirm. He didn't want to do this, so I would make it as easy on him as possible. For him.

He spanked me and I took it like a big girl. He praised me. 

"All over honey," he whispered as he stood me up and held me. "I forgive you. Now I've set everything out for your shower. Go take your shower and come back in here. I'll be waiting."

He was kind. He was firm. He was loving and steadfast. 

It works for me. I call him my Gentle Dom. 

He gives me what I need.

But is he always gentle? 

He is never harsh, but sometimes he is tough.

And maybe you think I'm crazy, but I sure do love him for it. 

A few weeks ago, I not only disobeyed him, but what I did was dishonest, dangerous, and disobedient. 

There was no talking me through it. No gentle smile. He didn't say, as he often does, "You need a spanking, so let's get this over with." No, not that time. That time he pulled me over his lap with a firm lecture and spanked me so hard it took my breath away. I knew then I deserved it. He knew I deserved it. He didn't spank me because he's selfish or impatient with me. He spanked me hard because he cares about me, and he cares about our relationship. 

He wasn't Jason my Gentle Dom. He was the unyielding, immovable wall, the man who will put his foot down and not budge an inch. I resolved to never, ever do anything like that again.

He gives me what I need.

A few weeks ago, I was angry, and irritable, and I made the intentional choice to deliberately disobey him. 

He was lying in bed and I was on his chest when I told him. I told him everything.

"Honey, it wasn't just that I did it... when I did, I thought to myself, 'I don't even care if he spanks me! I'm doing it anyway!'" 

He looked at me sorrowfully with his arm around my shoulder.He said something I'll never forget.  

"You need to trust me. You need to do what I ask you to do. I can't have you even thinking words like that. Do you understand me?"

My conscience smote me and I nodded guiltily. 

"Because you chose to deliberately disobey me, I'm going to have to make this count. I need to make my point, so you don't forget. I don't want you even entertaining that kind of mindset."

I remember I felt a flood of emotion when he said that. I knew then that I was going to get one helluva spanking, but I knew there was a reason I was going to get one helluva spanking. But it wasn't just fear that consumed me. It was the undeniable feeling that he loves me. He was the man who guides me and protects me. He wants me to obey him because he has my best interest in mind, always.

He spanked me long and hard, but he talked me through it the whole time. 

"You're being a good girl." Swat! 

"We're almost done." Swat!

He didn't back down for a minute. He spanked me soundly, and when he was done he held me, comforted me, and told me he knew I would do better. I felt incredibly loved and cared for.

He gives me what I need. 

There was one time when I was consumed with guilt. Absolutely, positively, riddled with guilt. I could hardly stand it, like a weight over me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I could barely even look at him. 

He'd long since forgiven me, but I couldn't forgive myself

He was holding me, and I was crying. I couldn't help it. 

"I forgive you," he said. "But would you feel better if I spanked you?" 

I nodded. "I feel just awful," I said, "Terrible. I can't let it go!" 

"Alright," he said. "Come here." 

He hauled me to the edge of the bed, took out the hairbrush and his belt, and gave me one of the worst spankings I've ever gotten. It was the first time I'd ever been brought to tears during a spanking, and I felt the after effects of that spanking for days. But I knew and he knew that any less than a hard spanking would've left me feeling unsatisfied and guilty. 

He gives me what I need. 

Does he always spank me? No. He knows that sometimes what I need is mercy. 

A few weeks ago, I'd worked so hard to do everything he asked of me. Some of what I needed to do was difficult, running errands that were time-consuming and stressful. I did everything, though, and was so pleased to tell him when he came home. 

"You're such a good girl," he said, hugging me and kissing me. "I'm so proud of you." 

But when he left the room and I put my daughter to bed, the realization that I had broken one of our rules dawned on me. I hadn't done it intentionally, but hadn't remembered to do what I was supposed to. I couldn't help it. I cried. 

He came in the room and was surprised to see me crying. I didn't want to tell him. I'd tried so hard that day. And now I'd have to tell my husband, the man I love more than life itself, that I'd let him down. I adore my Jason. I hate disappointing him. 

I told him. 

"Aw, honey," he said, as he hugged me. "You've done so well today. I'm so proud of you. How could I possibly punish you for the one thing you messed up when you've made me so proud with everything else you've done today?"

His mercy and praise was what I needed, and he knew it. 

He gives me what I need, and I'm so very grateful.


  1. Good post JG
    The man knows you better than you know yourself and in your case that's a god thing. :)

    But I suspect that sometimes you do it for the attention, maybe so you can get that spanking you want?


  2. You're a lucky girl to have such a great guy.

  3. Bob, you know I think that used to really be true. I didn't do it on purpose, really, but maybe subconsciously? I think this is true because when I knew I was in trouble, I didn't really dread it at all.

    But we're at a different place now. We use the phrase "spank tank" and he checks in on my spank tank and whether or not a need a "refill" every single day. This basically means, "Do you need a spanking?" It's really a form of maintenance that we both find works perfectly for us. So now that he never lets my "spank tank" run out, I honestly and truly never have the desire to act out to get attention. I truly dread being punished.

  4. This post really captures the love and caring that Jason gives you in giving you what you need. I love the "spank tank" concept and think it probably avoids a whole lot of complications. :)

  5. This is exactly what I have been trying to explain to my H. He's ever so gentle, but at times I need him to step up a take me in hand. Other times, I, too, just need to be held no receive his love and mercy. Thank you for putting into words what I've been trying to explain to him and unable to find the words.


    1. I'm so glad you could relate, Kat. I'm glad to help. This is one of the best parts of blogland, being able to relate to one another!

  6. where is the "like" button when I need it?


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