Today, Bob from “Thoughts on TTWD” and I are doing another collaborative post on one of the most commonly asked questions in the DD community.
“How do I bring my desire for Domestic Discipline to my partner?”
Here is Bob's take, from the male perspective. Now I'll take a stab at it.
Before I begin, a bit of my own experience may help. I have somewhat of a unique experience in that I didn't exactly bring DD to my Jason. We didn't even call it DD when we began. It was him simply telling me, “if you do this again, I'll give you a real spanking.” Not a playful sexy one, but a real spanking that would leave me motivated to behave and not turned on. He followed through. The story of that first spanking is here. In a nutshell, I was surprised, and then as time went on, I realized I wanted a full DD relationship. I wanted to be Taken in Hand. I love sexy spanking, and I loved the elements of dominance and submission, but I wanted a real DD dynamic. I wanted him in charge. I wanted to know if I bratted out, or did something dangerous, or disobeyed him, he'd spank me. It wasn't just because I found the whole idea sexy (though if you read this blog, you know that's no secret). It was because I wanted that reassurance of him being in charge.
So although he initiated DD, I am familiar with that craving to be dominated. I know what it's like to spend hours reading about DD, digging through blogs and articles and stories, dismissing things that weren't for me but nodding my head and saying, “Yes, this is what I want” when I came across a blog or story about a real DD couple.
I sent him e-mails.We talked. I'll admit, we also argued. I pushed, and I didn't respect his comfort zone. I don't recommend this! Once I knew what I wanted, I expected him to understand, and I didn't get why he was okay for spanking me for some things and not others. Along the way, I learned a thing or two. We are now in a DD relationship that we are both content with, though we are still learning. It hasn't been without bumps in the road – not by a long shot. But we are at the place where we both know where we stand, and we both are very happy there.
So I've learned a bit along the way. I've chatted with many people in the position of wanting a Domestic Discipline relationship, and I know it is not an uncommon desire at all. So today, Bob and I are going to discuss how one can go about bringing the desire for DD to their partner.
First, it helps if you know why you want what you want. Simply saying “I want you to spank me when I misbehave” may work. It certainly has helped some people.
Some people find simply introducing sexy spanking into their relationship is a great starting point. Jason and I did that first, and once he was comfortable with taking me over his knee, we branched out. It's one place you certainly can start, just making spanking part of the way you relate to one another intimately. "Hey, honey, this sounds really hot. Let's try it."
That's just one approach. But maybe you don't want that. Maybe you want to get right to the Domestic Discipline. Let's face it, though, this isn't exactly the kind of relationship you run into every day. It's a bit out of the ordinary, and it's not uncommon for a husband to react with a bit of shock.
“You want me to do what?”
“But you are an adult. Why do you want me to treat you like a child?”
“I don't want to hurt you!”
These are common concerns a partner approached with DD may sometimes have. So it helps if you have a solid understanding of why you want DD to begin with.
At the top of this page is a little article I wrote “Why Do I want to be Punished?” I explained how the desire to be disciplined is rooted in the desire to be loved. That is the beginning. It's hard to understand at first. How can being punished make us feel loved? That seems contradictory. The reasons are many, but in general, we know that our Hoh values our relationship. We know our Hoh values our safety. We know we are disciplined because they care about us. They won't let us ruin our relationships by being nasty. They won't let us hurt ourselves by doing things that are dangerous. When my Jason said “I'll spank you if you do that again,” I heard, “I care so much about you, that I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.”
Some things that I said to Jason when I was explaining my craving to be Taken in Hand were, “I love feeling how much stronger you are.”
“I feel safe when you are in charge.”
“When you don't let me get away with things, I feel like you care about me. I feel loved.”
“I love knowing I don't have to handle everything on my own.”
“I trust you, and I know when you are in charge, you will do what's best for everyone.”
“I feel like I respect you more when you don't let me get away with anything.”
You get the idea. Look inside yourself first. See why you want this. Spend some time reading online. And present that need to your partner.
How you continue to broach the subject is going to depend entirely on your relationship with your partner. Some want the whole picture. Many Tih's bringing DD to their Hoh by compiling print-outs of websites and articles. Some prefer a gentler approach, allowing the Hoh to read and research on his own. Some prefer just talking. I chose a combination of all of the above. My Jason doesn't want to know how other people do what they do. He wants our relationship to be natural and organic, so for him, a select few articles that explained why I wanted to be Taken in hand, along with a lot of conversation and talking through things, is what worked for us. It got us to where we are today. But some people prefer looking at the “manual,” so to speak, and they feel more confident having specific instructions. If your Hoh is one of those people, then perhaps an approach with detailed information will help.
What are some good sources? Some resources I recommend are
Taken in Hand
A Domestic Discipline Society
Learning Domestic Discipline
So, now you've brought the idea to your partner. You've explained why you want what you want. You've explained what DD is. Now what?
Now, you have to give your partner some space. Now you need to let them process. Remember, you've likely spent quite a bit of time reading and researching. Every once in a while, a partner approached with DD will have a “light bulb” moment and say, “Wow. I got it. Let's do this!” And that's fantastic. But it's also not the norm.
My husband said to me, “You know, it's just hard for a man to wrap his brain around this. We've been told our entire lives not to hit women. We've been told women don't want to be bossed around. It's hard to understand that you women don't want that.”
Don't expect a complete change in dynamic overnight. It's going to take time. It's going to take patience. It's going to take a lot of talking, communicating, and figuring things out.
What do you do in the meantime? You can begin cultivating that submissive mindset. Perhaps your partner doesn't really think you're serious. Perhaps your significant partner thinks that this is all about sex. Maybe he thinks you've been overly influenced by devouring Fifty Shades of Gray. It's okay. You need to show you're committed to changing the dynamic of your relationship by showing. Telling is a good place to start, but the old adage “Actions speak louder than words” applies here.
The next time you get angry with your partner, don't listen to that voice in your head that says “I wish he'd just spank me already!” Tell yourself, “I want to obey him. I want him to be in charge. I need to show him.” And then do it.
It's okay to be completely honest with your partner.
“I did something awful today, and I feel like I need a spanking.”
“I feel guilty about what I did and I want to be taken in hand.”
But if you start seeing that you are overwhelming your partner, maybe it's time to back off, give your partner some space, and again, let your actions speak louder than words.
There is no “right” way to approach this. There are so, so many factors at play. How long have you been together? What is your history? What is your partner's personality like? What kind of expectations does your partner have based on your past behavior? There are too many factors at play to make any “one” way approach work, but do know this. The DD dynamic can bring about intimacy and peace in a relationship, and if it's something you desire, it is worth communicating your desire to the one you love.