Monday, June 3, 2013

The importance of trust

Last night, I had to confess to my husband that yet again I did something I wasn't supposed to. 

I didn't want to. I hate disappointing him. I don't like that I've made the same mistake so many times. I just about worked myself into a frenzy when I realized what I'd done, and I knew in my heart I'd have to tell him. 

I put my head on his chest, which is usually what I do when I have to fess up. I draw strength from being held by him, and it's easier to be honest. And I told him the truth.

After I told him, he said, "This is what we're going to do to help you not do this again," and he gave me some suggestions. 
"And I'm giving you a spanking." He hugged me close.

I knew I deserved it, and even though my heart started pounding knowing I was getting a spanking, even then I appreciated his steadfast commitment to follow through. I knew I wanted that closure that a spanking would bring.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked. 

"No, not at all," he said. "But you need a spanking, and I'm going to give you one." He kissed my forehead, and then he said, "Thank you for being honest with me."

I replied, "It's because you are so patient with me that I can be honest with you."

He's established trust with me. And trust is absolutely, positively essential in a Taken in Hand relationship. It is at the very core. 

I love this little diagram. 

How do these facets of earning trust work for an Hoh and a Tih? 

Keeping your promises. 
If an Hoh says he will follow through, he needs to. If he's promised a consequence, he needs to fulfill that promise. He needs to mean what he says. This doesn't mean he can't show mercy at times when need be, or that he is infallible. It does mean daily striving to stand by his word. 

For an Tih, it means she will put forth her best effort. We can't expect our Hoh's to do the work for us. It means we need to be honest, even when being honest is hard to do.

Openness in Communication
Does the Hoh have reasonable expectations? If he's uncomfortable, or irritated, or unsettled, does he bring these feelings to his Tih? I know Jason and I have had to work hard at this and we have not "arrived." 

Does the Tih present her needs in an honest way? Does she do it in such a way that she isn't critical? Oh boy have I learned this one the hard way. I'm still learning it. 

Acting always with integrity
A Taken in Hand relationship is hard work, for both the Hoh and the Tih. There are daily struggles. There can be times of misunderstanding. Sometimes there is hurt. There is a level of vulnerability.

Integrity means we try to control our tempers. We put the needs of the one we love before our own. We value honesty. 

None of these points are things I've "arrived at." I'm learning daily, struggling, falling, and pulling myself back up again. My little blog here is really just me thinking out loud...reflecting, processing. And maybe a little overanalyzing! 

So how do we establish trust? Where does it start? It has been said, 

"Show me, and I'll trust you." 

"Trust me, and I'll show you."

What comes first? Maybe neither. Maybe they need to work hand in hand...the giving of trust, and the demonstration of earning that trust.


  1. I love this post. It hits the nail on the head in so many ways. Trust is key. I think this post would help so many who are struggling with the lifestyle in different ways. I hope many come and read it!


    1. Thank you, Kat. I think it takes time to buil trust, but I feel the longer we do this, the more I trust him.

  2. Love, love, LOVE this post.

    I love how you say with patience comes honesty - so true! You're right, it is HARD work on both sides, but in time it all works out.

    1. I agree, Kenzie! It works out and it's so worth it when it does! So worth all the hard work.


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