Friday, June 7, 2013

Topping from the Bottom: who's in control?

Today I'm trying a little something different. Bob over at Thoughts on TTWD and I are attempting a collaborative blogging effort. The question is "What are the pros and cons of topping from the bottom?"

We thought maybe it would work to get both the Hoh and TIh perspective.

I'm taking the "cons." Bob was kind enough to let me choose, and I chose cons because believe you me, I know the cons well.

First, we need to have an understanding of what exactly "topping from the bottom" means.

It's understood that in a Tih relationship, the "Top" is the Dom, the Hoh. The "Bottom" is the Sub, the Tih. When we speak of "topping from the bottom," we are referring to the Submissive partner trying to control the relationship.

What might some examples be? Well, ahem. I don't have to look further than my own home.

Let's say the Sub does something she is guilty about. In her mind, she thinks she deserves a spanking and might even tell her Dom that she thinks she deserves a spanking. Well, lets say the Hoh disagrees and says something like, "Oh that isnt spankable. do better next time."

Maybe the Tih will respond, "But you have to spank me! I deserve it!"

Or maybe the Hoh decides he's going to spank his TIh, but he decides for whatever reason, he will wait until the next day. Maybe she is upset because she wants it over NOW so she asks him to please just spank her already. He says no, and she says "Now!"  (maybe she even throws a fit and throws herself on the bed and kicks her feet and gets spanked for that too, eventually. Maybe. I mean, this is just hypothetical, right?)

Maybe the TIh writes her own rules and presents them to her Hoh and says "This is what you need to punish me for."

Who's really in charge here? Who is really the authority?

This is topping from the bottom. This is the pretense of submission but the ultimate refusal to relinquish control. It's a very common problem in DD relationships, because so many tih's have an idea in their head of "the perfect Dom." And when reality doesn't play out the way it does in their head, they don't like it.

It's when the Tih says, in so many words, "You don't know what you're doing. You're doing it wrong."

This isn't to say there is no time to communicate. There is. But it's important not to do so in a critical way.

So what are the "cons" of "topping from the bottom?" For one, there is the threat of making the Hoh lose confidence. Many, many times -- more often than not -- a woman will bring DD to her husband. But often she's much more familiar with the lifestyle than he is. She's done her homework and he hasn't. It's going to take some time for them to get used to things, but sometimes the Tih is frustrated that he isn't doing things the way she'd like him to. 

For another, the TIh runs the risk of never being satisfied. If she has an idea in her mind of the "perfect Dom," he very well may never live up to those expectations.

Then there is, of course, the possibility of a soundly spanked bottom for little girls who don't know their place.

But in my opinion, by far the biggest problem is that if the Tih never let's go of control, the couple risks not reaching a true state of dominance and submission. It will never become a harmonious relationship based on embracing traditional roles. Sadly, when the foundation of DD -- dominance and submission-- is overlooked, The couple runs the risk of just going through the motions.

However, occasional forays into topping from the bottom are common. There are growing pains in a DD relationship, and this often is one of them. But Are there pros to be occasional "topping from the bottom?" And how can a Tih honestly communicate her needs to her Hoh? Does she just have to grin and bear it? Let's hear what Bob has to say about it.


  1. Hi there kiddo

    You explained the evils of topping from the bottom that even I can understand it excellent job there.


  2. This is a great post, JG, and something we should all be conscious of. When we top from the bottom, when our submission is incomplete, when we try to maintain control, we rob both ourselves and our partner.

    There are ways to honestly, by ...well.... honestly communicating. When I need to feel Ward, I will share with him, "Daddy, I need to feel you please." I leave it in his hands how he will show his dominance. He always understands what I will be best served by. And by putting my needs in his hands I am in turn serving him.

  3. Hmmmm - made a comment - apparently blogger ate it & I forgot what I said :(

  4. I think I may be guilty of this. I try to control the logistics of thethe spanking, as in where, when and with what. It has made him angry and I've gotten it worse or if I'm trying to negotiate out of an implement that I'm scared of I end up with that one. I'm trying to teach myself to shut my mouth and let go of control.

  5. I thought that this was really good I am amazed how this type of topic keeps turning up and how much it seems to be a problem for people at the beginning I can also recognize myself in some of this type of thing so I think I am learning something valuable both for today and hopefully for the future.


  6. I know that I'm guilty of this sometimes too, especially in the beginning. It was hard to bring TTWD to my husband and I felt like I needed to show him. It turns out it was better (mostly) when I let him do it his way.

    Great post,


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