But it's not all sunshine and roses.
Some of you are hurting. Some of you have loved and lost. Some of you have begged and pleaded for dominance, only to be told no. Some of you are alone, and yearning to meet that person who will complete you.
Today, this post is for you.
You are hurting. You are not alone.
I'm going to make an effort to be totally transparent here.
My husband and I have had our ups and downs. No relationship is without some struggle, and ours has been no exception.
When we began our foray into Domestic Discipline, things changed. I felt as if I fell in love all over again with Jason. I found myself counting the minutes until he came home. Nothing made me happier than being held by him or hearing him say, "You're my Good Girl."
He told me a few weeks ago that our marriage is better than it has ever been...that he's more in love with me than he was when he married me over a decade ago. He told me that he even told a friend of his that I told him women want "real men," and I asked him to step up as the leader of this house and he said, "It was hard to do it, but I'm so glad I did. It's made such a huge difference in our marriage."
He told me how much he loved that our relationship was so much more peaceful. He told me that I've grown so much, and he loves the "demure" me.
I believed all that. I don't deny that he meant it. It pleased me so much that he felt that way. And yet, I was insecure.
A few weeks ago I knelt at his feet while he sat on the couch, and put my hands in his.
"I don't want to lose this," I whispered. "The closeness...the love I feel. I'm so afraid you will tell me tomorrow that you don't want this anymore, and I will feel lost."
He held my hands and said, "No. I will not do that to you. I promise you, I will not turn away. I'm not going back."
I believed that.
But I wanted more. I started pulling away from things I did before...I read less, wrote less, spent less time with my friends. I stopped exercising as much. And I dumped everything on my Jason. I became incredibly dependent on him...too dependent on him. I looked to him to relieve all my stress. I wanted him to handle all my burdens. I wanted him to be everything to me.
I spent too much time looking at what I wanted and not enough time being thankful for what I had.
It's too much pressure to put on one person. But I did it. And I did the very thing I never wanted to do...I pushed him away.
"More, more," I said, thinking I was communicating my needs when in reality I was putting unrealistic expectations on one person, until finally, he said, "No."
He let me go.
He turned to his IPad and ignored me.
I was devastated.
What had happened to my Dominant Husband who fulfilled my every need just this very weekend?
Later, we talked and he told me, "This level of dominance you want isn't normal. It isn't right, and I'm not comfortable giving it to you."
I asked him this morning where it leaves us. Is that it for us? No more DD? He said he doesn't know, but we will talk later.
I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, and then I cried again.
I reached out to some friends, and their advice and support was very helpful.
I put on my running gear and took it all out on the track.
But there is a heaviness on me...a weight I can't lift.
You don't know how badly you crave that dominance until you lose it.
It's every bit as devastating as I thought it would be.
Any reader of this blog will know how dearly I love my husband. And I know he loves me. I found this letter he wrote to me six months ago. Here is an excerpt...
I'm sitting here watching you sleep, thinking how blessed I am to share my life with you...Things move so fast sometimes; I lose you and then find you again, never seeming to be able to hold you close enough or long enough to satisfy anywhere near the longing that permeates my heart in those moments of pure clarity when it's just you and me and no one else...I love you.
I'm holding onto that.
To my dear readers who are hurting: you are not alone. This is not an easy walk to walk. Sometimes we have ups, and sometimes we have downs.
I hope and pray this is just a "down" in this journey we are on and that things will look up soon. Sometimes we just need to keep plugging along. We all make mistakes...we are human. Sometimes those mistakes cause pain.
Sometimes these times of hurt make us stronger.
There is always hope.