Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Ups and Downs

I started this blog as a place to share my thoughts, my experiences, my hopes, and my dreams. I've tried to vary the posts..a few lighthearted posts, some sexy ones, some reflective ones. I want to show what a real life Domestic Discipline relationship looks like. I mostly try to focus on the positive...to see the good in any situation. 

But it's not all sunshine and roses. 

Some of you are hurting. Some of you have loved and lost. Some of you have begged and pleaded for dominance, only to be told no. Some of you are alone, and yearning to meet that person who will complete you. 




Today, this post is for you. 

You are hurting. You are not alone. 

I'm going to make an effort to be totally transparent here. 

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. No relationship is without some struggle, and ours has been no exception. 

When we began our foray into Domestic Discipline, things changed. I felt as if I fell in love all over again with Jason. I found myself counting the minutes until he came home. Nothing made me happier than being held by him or hearing him say, "You're my Good Girl."

He told me a few weeks ago that our marriage is better than it has ever been...that he's more in love with me than he was when he married me over a decade ago. He told me that he even told a friend of his that I told him women want "real men," and I asked him to step up as the leader of this house and he said, "It was hard to do it, but I'm so glad I did. It's made such a huge difference in our marriage." 


He told me how much he loved that our relationship was so much more peaceful. He told me that I've grown so much, and he loves the "demure" me.

I believed all that. I don't deny that he meant it. It pleased me so much that he felt that way. And yet, I was insecure. 

A few weeks ago I knelt at his feet while he sat on the couch, and put my hands in his. 

"I don't want to lose this," I whispered. "The closeness...the love I feel. I'm so afraid you will tell me tomorrow that you don't want this anymore, and I will feel lost."
He held my hands and said, "No. I will not do that to you. I promise you, I will not turn away. I'm not going back." 



I believed that. 

But I wanted more. I started pulling away from things I did before...I read less, wrote less, spent less time with my friends. I stopped exercising as much. And I dumped everything on my Jason. I became incredibly dependent on him...too dependent on him. I looked to him to relieve all my stress. I wanted him to handle all my burdens. I wanted him to be everything to me. 

I spent too much time looking at what I wanted and not enough time being thankful for what I had.

It's too much pressure to put on one person. But I did it. And I did the very thing I never wanted to do...I pushed him away. 

"More, more," I said, thinking I was communicating my needs when in reality I was putting unrealistic expectations on one person, until finally, he said, "No."



We got into an argument. I had a fit. I yelled, and said things I never ever should've said, I slammed things and stormed out of the room...and he didn't stop me. He didn't give me the spanking I deserved and craved. He didn't even try to. 

He let me go. 

He turned to his IPad and ignored me. 

I was devastated. 

What had happened to my Dominant Husband who fulfilled my every need just this very weekend? 

Later, we talked and he told me, "This level of dominance you want isn't normal. It isn't right, and I'm not comfortable giving it to you." 

I asked him this morning where it leaves us. Is that it for us? No more DD? He said he doesn't know, but we will talk later. 

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, and then I cried again. 

I prayed. 

I reached out to some friends, and their advice and support was very helpful. 

I put on my running gear and took it all out on the track. 

But there is a heaviness on me...a weight I can't lift. 

You don't know how badly you crave that dominance until you lose it. 

It's every bit as devastating as I thought it would be. 

Any reader of this blog will know how dearly I love my husband. And I know he loves me. I found this letter he wrote to me six months ago. Here is an excerpt...

I'm sitting here watching you sleep, thinking how blessed I am to share my life with you...Things move so fast sometimes; I lose you and then find you again, never seeming to be able to hold you close enough or long enough to satisfy anywhere near the longing that permeates my heart in those moments of pure clarity when it's just you and me and no one else...I love you.

I'm holding onto that. 

To my dear readers who are hurting: you are not alone. This is not an easy walk to walk. Sometimes we have ups, and sometimes we have downs. 

I hope and pray this is just a "down" in this journey we are on and that things will look up soon. Sometimes we just need to keep plugging along.  We all make mistakes...we are human. Sometimes those mistakes cause pain.

Sometimes these times of hurt make us stronger.

There is always hope.

7 comments:

  1. I love your fun posts, your sexy posts, but I really love these kind of 'real' posts. Of course I don't love it in one aspect, because you're hurting, and that's not at all what I want, but I love how raw and honest you can be. It's inspiring when someone writes like this, from the heart.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, and I hope/think it's just one of those ridiculous downs of DD. On the up side, when that down is over, and another 'up' starts to happen, it usually brings people closer than before, which is sometimes unimaginable. So I hope that when this down ends, and it will, you two are even closer and more in love than before.

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  2. You will work it out. There are always bumps in the road. You can't enjoy how much good there is if you never experience the bad. Hang in there.

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  3. This too will pass, I am praying for you and Jason, I am sure things will work out how u both need them too. Love like u have can be rare and hard to find. This like you said is a down moment a bump in the road. I am thinking wonderful thoughts of you and Jason. I will be praying for both of you. My dear new friend I am here for you.
    Honey

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  4. Since that one terrible night several weeks ago that I shared with you the next day i have prayed many times though until that night I hadn't prayed in years. Tonight I pray for you.

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  5. Thank you so much, my friends. Your support means more to me than I can say. Things are better...not perfect, but better. Thank you.

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  6. always remember.. life is never going to be perfect... but we are perfectly where we ought to be sometimes... perfect places for lessons learned and growth.
    you both are imperfect.. but perfect for one another... and the growth is evident.. your blog is amazing...your growth is spectacular.

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