Saturday, June 1, 2013

When I don't wanna.

I woke up this morning feeling like a rebel.

I didn't want to stick to my stupid diet. I wanted to eat whatever, whenever I wanted to.

I didn't want to obey the speed limit, or have to keep my Ipod tucked away while driving, or stop at stop signs or anything smart and sensible like that.

I didn't want to have to watch my language or even speak politely to my husband

Quite honestly, I wanted to say ugly things and do whatever the hell I pleased and bask in the feeling of being a rebel, tamed by no one.

The brat was rearing her ugly head. She's being tamed, and sometimes she's far more bratty than is good for her.

When I think about the why behind the brat surfacing, I can think of a few reasons. Someone I love dearly is very sick, and struggling, and I can do nothing but listen and pray.

Jason has several commitments this weekend that will take him away from us, and I'll manage this horde of children and the house by myself.

I am working on several projects that are turning out to be far more labor-intensive than I ever imagined and I'm having little progress.

One of my children has been particularly difficult to deal with lately, and it's draining.

There are changes happening that are all good, but hard to process.

So what does a girl do? I don't recall the last time I felt like this. I've had moments of feeling antsy, or wanting to throw a fit, but this feeling of wanting to rebel is not common.

I laid it all out for him. I lay my head on his chest and said, "I don't want to do it today. Any of it." And I told him everything.

He gave me a look kinda like this. Not mad, but steady.

He listened to me. He talked to me. He told me I was going to do what I had to, and that he'd help me, and that I could do it.

He pulled me over his lap and spanked me, not like a punishment spanking, not an erotic spanking, but something in between.

He kissed me, and rubbed my back. And before he left, he said, "Be good. Be safe. I love you."

And now...I want to. I can do it.


  1. It's great that you derive such strength from your HoH. He really seems to set the tone for you and that is a lovely thing. I think we can all relate to "not wanting" to do something or anything. What's fabulous about your relationship and this post is that you've articulated how vital it is for an HoH to reverse that resistance--to make you "want to."

  2. that is one great husband you have there. i agree with what smartingoff said

  3. You inspire me with every entry on your blog. You show me the path I want to take and how I want to love and be loved. Thank you so much.

  4. Thank you so much for the comments. I am so thankful for my husband!


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