Tuesday, July 9, 2013
How Can I Encourage His Dominance?
We want to be Dommed. We want that security that a loving but firm hand brings. This is normal, and natural. But sometimes, we think our Hoh doesn't measure up, and we feel let down. This was one of the first issues I struggled with as a Tih and one that seems to be so common, I thought it would be worth sharing our experience.
I went through a period when I felt my husband really wasn't being dominant enough with me. I read, I talked to my husband, we argued, I talked to others in the community. I got some fantastic advice. And I came to a few conclusions.
There is good news and bad news. First, the bad news.
You can't get your Hoh to be more dominant. You can't control what someone else does any more than I can go to the gym for you, or you can take my vitamins for me. We are responsible for our own choices.
But here's the good news. You can encourage your Hoh to be more dominant.
I feel this describes my husband to a "T."
I can honestly and truly say that Jason is every bit as in charge, patient, merciful, firm and unyielding...as I could ever want. I told him recently he is the Hoh of my dreams, and I mean it.
He actually asked me a week or two ago, "Are there any ways I'm not being dominant enough that you need me to be?" and I honestly told him, "Noooo. No, not at all."
But it hasn't always been this way.
There was a time when I was consumed with getting things right. Nothing he did was right. When he chose to be merciful, I saw him as not caring. Even when he disciplined me, he didn't spank hard enough, or often enough, or lecture me enough.
I had a vision in my head of how he "should" be doing things, and I set both of us up for failure. At one point he even said to me, "I'm sorry I don't measure up to all the perfect Doms you read about!" Oh, dear. Yeah, I don't recommend that approach.
Many times, we approach DD and think, "If only he did this, things would be perfect."
But, no. It doesn't really work like that.
How do you get to where you are both happy in your DD relationship? How can you encourage your Hoh to be more dominant? How did we do this?
"Submission brings about dominance."
I read that, several times, and it really changed the way I started approaching things.
Often we Subs look to our Doms to bring about our submission, but the truth is, it doesn't really work that way.
Allow me to use an analogy. Imagine you decided you wanted to make some changes in your health, so you signed on with a personal trainer. Your trainer would give you guidelines and suggestions, but your trainer isn't going to do the work for you. If you don't get up and exercise, and follow your trainer's suggestions, are you going to reach the goal you are striving for? No. Would it be fair to blame the trainer? Of course not.
It's really not a heck of a lot different. You can't look to your Hoh to make you submissive.
I couldn't make him more dominant. The only person I could change was me.
I started by cultivating a submissive mindset. I told myself I wanted to obey Jason. When I made a mistake or said something I shouldn't have, I stopped myself and apologized, and made myself ask "Is this what he would want of me?"
Instead of asking myself what I shouldn't do, I asked myself what I should do. I knew he wanted me to drive safely. I knew he didn't want me to text while driving. I knew he wanted me to take care of my children, and the house, and speak to him respectfully. I knew he wanted me to get enough sleep, to exercise, and to work on projects of my own. I made it my number one goal please him.
And when I did, things started to change. He started taking more of an initiative. He raised his expectations of me. We started to communicate our needs...both mine, and his...and we worked on things, one day at a time.
I started really asking myself why I wanted DD, and I made an effort to explain that to Jason. I started communicating my needs to him differently. When he did Dom me, I thanked him and explained to him how safe, protected, and cherished I felt.
He had to feel that I trusted him. And had to see that I loved him just the way he was. I had to show him that I really and truly appreciated everything he did for me.
I had to be grateful for what I already had.
And in turn, he made it his goal to give me what I needed. He saw how when he was in charge, I was more secure in him. I told him how I felt loved and cared for when he gave me what I needed, and because he loves me, he made an effort to give me what I needed.
Posted by J Girl