Tuesday, July 9, 2013

How Can I Encourage His Dominance?

We want to be Dommed. We want that security that a loving but firm hand brings. This is normal, and natural. But sometimes, we think our Hoh doesn't measure up, and we feel let down. This was one of the first issues I struggled with as a Tih and one that seems to be so common, I thought it would be worth sharing our experience.

I went through a period when I felt my husband really wasn't being dominant enough with me. I read, I talked to my husband, we argued, I talked to others in the community. I got some fantastic advice. And I came to a few conclusions.

There is good news and bad news. First, the bad news.

You can't get your Hoh to be more dominant. You can't control what someone else does any more than I can go to the gym for you, or you can take my vitamins for me. We are responsible for our own choices.

But here's the good news. You can encourage your Hoh to be more dominant.

I feel this describes my husband to a "T."

I can honestly and truly say that Jason is every bit as in charge, patient, merciful, firm and unyielding...as I could ever want. I told him recently he is the Hoh of my dreams, and I mean it.

He actually asked me a week or two ago, "Are there any ways I'm not being dominant enough that you need me to be?" and I honestly told him, "Noooo. No, not at all."

But it hasn't always been this way. 

There was a time when I was consumed with getting things right. Nothing he did was right.  When he chose to be merciful, I saw him as not caring. Even when he disciplined me, he didn't spank hard enough, or often enough, or lecture me enough.

I had a vision in my head of how he "should" be doing things, and I set both of us up for failure. At one point he even said to me, "I'm sorry I don't measure up to all the perfect Doms you read about!" Oh, dear. Yeah, I don't recommend that approach.

Many times, we approach DD and think, "If only he did this, things would be perfect."

But, no. It doesn't really work like that.

How do you get to where you are both happy in your DD relationship? How can you encourage your Hoh to be more dominant? How did we do this?

"Submission brings about dominance."

I read that, several times, and it really changed the way I started approaching things.

Often we Subs look to our Doms to bring about our submission, but the truth is, it doesn't really work that way.

Allow me to use an analogy. Imagine you decided you wanted to make some changes in your health, so you signed on with a personal trainer. Your trainer would give you guidelines and suggestions, but your trainer isn't going to do the work for you. If you don't get up and exercise, and follow your trainer's suggestions, are you going to reach the goal you are striving for? No. Would it be fair to blame the trainer? Of course not.

It's really not  a heck of a lot different. You can't look to your Hoh to make you submissive.

I couldn't make him more dominant. The only person I could change was me.

I started by cultivating a submissive mindset. I told myself I wanted to obey Jason. When I made a mistake or said something I shouldn't have, I stopped myself and apologized, and made myself ask "Is this what he would want of me?"

Instead of asking myself what I shouldn't do, I asked myself what I should do. I knew he wanted me to drive safely. I knew he didn't want me to text while driving. I knew he wanted me to take care of my children, and the house, and speak to him respectfully. I knew he wanted me to get enough sleep, to exercise, and to work on projects of my own. I made it my number one goal please him.

And when I did, things started to change. He started taking more of an initiative. He raised his expectations of me. We started to communicate our needs...both mine, and his...and we worked on things, one day at a time.

I started really asking myself why I wanted DD, and I made an effort to explain that to Jason. I started communicating my needs to him differently. When he did Dom me, I thanked him and explained to him how safe, protected, and cherished I felt.

He had to feel that I trusted him. And had to see that I loved him just the way he was. I had to show him that I really and truly appreciated everything he did for me.

I had to be grateful for what I already had.

And in turn, he made it his goal to give me what I needed. He saw how when he was in charge, I was more secure in him. I told him how I felt loved and cared for when he gave me what I needed, and because he loves me, he made an effort to give me what I needed.


  1. wow that was ****INCREDIBLY**** helpful. I had been skirting around that idea on my own blog. but you spelled out there in black and white. thank you so much :p

  2. I really liked this one also. I have come to the same conclusion myself, but I must admit that I stumble on the implementation part.

    1. I completely understand. I don't think the way I did things is really the "right" way, but what worked here. It's not always easy knowing how to approach things.

  3. It's all in the approach isn't it? It really makes SUCH a difference in the outcome, if you go about it the appropriate way. Love the pics. ;)

    1. Yes, the approach is huge! And I'm glad you liked the pics. I found the top one a while ago and have been saving it up for the right time. Seemed like the right time. ;)

  4. This was a lesson I had a hard time learning when we started DD. My husband didn't say what your's did, about not being like the other HoH's, but I wish he had, I might have woken up to the truth a bit sooner. When I started thanking him for when he stepped up, telling how I felt, it helped a lot. When I started doing things that pleased him just because I wanted to learn to be submissive, it helped a lot. We are now working on another thigs that seems to be helping too. But, just like we learned in premarital counselling with the pastor that wed us, I should have remembered for DD. If a change needs to be made, look to see if the change can happen in you first, before asking it of your spouse.

  5. JS, this was really insightful and wonderfully articulated. I am taking a similar approach with my husband, although I feel like i have a long way to go. But you're absolutely right ~ how you act and even how you feel will project itself onto your partner with surprisingly noticeable results. Thank you for sharing this. I love your blog! :) ~ oxy x

    1. Thank you for the encouragement and support! I'm glad you enjoyed the post and that you enjoy my blog. Thanks for popping in! :)

  6. Jason Girl
    This near brought me to tears - its exactly what I need to do - I had the beginning of this and lost it - I feel its a hard road up a hill and a steep hill at that but I know I started before and if I am ever to find peace again I would love to tell him of course but that probably not the right thing to do No I just need to start again and keep going this time. Thank for such a wonderful post don't know how I missed reading this earlier?
    But maybe it was for now

    1. Hi, Jane, I'm so glad you found it helpful!

  7. I was reading your new post for today and for the first time I noticed the links at the top of your page....I'm pulling out the Kleenex at this moment. That "vision in my head" derailed what we had going. Slowly but surely.... as I show my submission, trust, obedience, love. Such a beautiful thing that different approach can build. Your words continue to touch me. Thanks as always for sharing your journey <3

  8. I've been reading and researching all day looking and asking for ways to bring out his dominance. Thank you for writing such an honest and inspiring post. I am brand new to the dd community (as in 3 days) and this was very helpful!


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