For every woman out there that knows what I mean, who wants to say it but doesn't know how, who struggles with what I struggle with. This is for you.
To my husband...
I don't mean to hurt you.
I never do.
I love you.
There is no one in all the world I'd rather spend my life with.
I try hard to be honest with you. I try hard to never manipulate, or lie, or hurt you. I appreciate all you do for me, more than I can ever say. I want to please you. I want to make you happy. I want to do right by you, always.
I promise I will always do my best to be your responsible girl. I will love our children the best I can. I will be mature and responsible and I will do my very best to do what I need to. I will work hard on goals of my own, and I will get up every day with the will to do what is right, what is good. I will work hard, and I will treat others with the kindness and dignity they deserve. I will balance my time well, and treat my body right, and take care of our family with patience and love.
I will be all the woman you ever need. I will be your lover. I will please you in any way possible. Your wish is my joy to fulfill. I will be your friend, who watches geeky sci-fi, or eats wings and drinks beer while we talk about history or politics or the goofy things people do. I will be your confidante when things are troubling you. I will be your soft place and your strength. I will tell you every day how much I love you.
I trust you, more than anyone in the world, more than my family, more than any friends. Words can't express how thankful I am for you, for all that you do.
There is nothing that fills me with more joy than hearing you tell me I'm your good girl, and I've made you proud.
There is nothing that hurts more deeply than knowing I've let you down. The hurt in your eyes...the anger...the disappointment. It cuts, deeply, it stings, far, far worse than any punishment you've ever given me.
When you push me away...I am lost. I am incomplete.
Sometimes, I say things I don't mean. I wish this wasn't the case. I'm going to make my very best effort to make sure I curb this tongue of mine. You don't deserve my sharp tongue or temper. No one does, really, but you least of all.
I try to talk myself out of it. I do. I say things in my mind. I talk to myself. walk away. I count to ten. I breathe deeply, in and out, and often pray.
But sometimes things come out of my mouth before I can stop them. I get stressed. I get lonely. I get tired, and hormonal.
I'm not trying to make excuses. There really is no excuse, and I know that.
But when I begin...that first step down the road towards that path of destruction that burns and destroys...and you stop me...I feel so loved.
Last week I was irritated with you. I wanted to clean something up but you said it was time to go. I sighed irritably and you turned to me, those blue eyes of yours narrowed and serious. "Enough. Are you giving me an attitude?" you said. And that awful, irritable, fire of anger in my chest dissolved. I felt the anger leave and peace settle.
"No," I said quietly. "I'm not." And we happily went our way.
A month ago I was getting dressed...I remember this vividly. You said something to me, and I sassed you. I don't remember the conversation but I do remember gripping the dresser because you told me in no uncertain terms that you weren't going to put up with my sass, as you picked up your belt and spanked me. It was shocking to me...I didn't see it coming...but the sass melted away and I felt nothing but peace. I felt respect for you.
I will never intentionally manipulate you. I firmly believe that testing you can be dishonest and I don't want that for us, ever.
When I'm angry, and hurt, and grumpy, please. Please know I'm not trying to push you.
I promise you, with all that is in me, that I will always, always, always be honest with you and I will work as hard as I possibly can to be a good girl, to make you proud, to check my tongue and treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve, to make sure I don't spout off in anger or give you an attitude.
But please....save me.
I want you to protect me. You save me from everyone and everything, always. You never let anyone be rude or hurtful to me. You always, always protect me. You won't let a need of mine go unmet, ever. You are so good to me that way. You always make sure I'm safe.
I don't always need discipline, but I trust you to know when I do. I know sometimes you think that's what I'm asking for... I just need to know you're in charge. Almost every single time I'm spiraling, a firm look, a few words, just a reminder to stop is all I need.
Please, please, protect me from myself.
I've tried to do it on my own. And I can't.
And it hurts.
I need you.
I need your guidance.
I need your discipline.
I need your love.