Monday, July 29, 2013

Two Simple Words: May I?

Submission is not always easy. 

In fact, I think that is precisely the reason why we Tih's frequently desire deeper dominance. It is one thing to say, "I will obey you," and take that responsibility on our own shoulders. It is easier for me to obey knowing my disobedience will earn me a trip over my husband's knee (thanks for the help, honey!). 

But if we crave dominance, making choices to submit ourselves is crucial. Submission is a gift, freely given. It is a choice. Submitting is not something another person can make us do. 

A good Hoh knows how and when to assert his dominance. He knows when to be merciful, and when to be firm. He knows when a stern word, a gentle touch, or a sound spanking is in order. I am blessed beyond measure to be in the hands of such an Hoh, so I see first-hand the daily communicating, give and take, and effort that such a dynamic requires of both parties. 

And one thing I learned early on was that submission brings about dominance. Without the conscious choice to submit, dominance does not bring about peace, and security. Without voluntary submission, dominance will be ineffective. 

Submission requires humility. It is trusting ourselves to the authority of another. It says, "I love you enough to put myself in your hands." 

So how can we cultivate our own submissive mindset? There are many ways, and I am still working on this myself. I hope to journal a bit more about cultivating a submissive mindset over the next few weeks. But today, I'd like to suggest one very simple little thing. Two simple little words: May I.

A month or so ago, Jason and I were taking the kids out for the day. It was very warm out. I chose to wear a long, dark, lightweight skirt. It is one of my favorite things to wear in the summer because it is airy and comfortable, and it makes me feel feminine. But before we left, Jason noticed I had it on, and it looked warm to him. 

"It's warm out," he said. "Why don't you go up and put a pair of shorts on instead. I'll be in the car with the kids." And he began to walk to the door. 

Now I know why he said this. He didn't want me to be too hot. He wanted me comfortable for the day. The man has never worn a skirt! He has no idea my choice was more comfortable. He was trying to look out for me, not control me. 

But I respect him. I had a few choices. I could've blindly obeyed him and put on a pair of shorts (though I find those less comfortable). I could've argued the point. But instead, I wanted to tell him I was comfortable while still deferring to his leadership. So I simply said, "I'm actually much more comfortable in this skirt. May I just wear this instead?" 

He looked at me in surprise, smiled, and said, "Oh! Of course hon," and off we went. 

A very small example, but I use it to demonstrate the power of those words May I

Asking permission is making the voluntary choice to submit. 

I use this phrase often.

"May I get you a drink?" 

"May I ask you a question?" 

When I need to talk to him about something, instead of saying, "Can we talk?" or "I have something to tell you," I almost always say, "May I talk to you about something?" I think it shows respect, but moreover, it is a reminder to me that I've chosen to put myself under his authority. 

He gets a certain look in his eyes when I say "May I." It's hard to describe...his eyes soften. He looks at me as if I'm someone to be cherished. And when he opens his arms to me, and says, "Of course you can," I feel loved. I feel like he's let me in. I've submitted to him without his ever having to assert his dominance. It's tells him, "I trust you. I defer to you. I've put myself in your hands."



18 comments:

  1. Simple words, wonderful observation.

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    1. Thank you -- funny how the simple things can cut to the heart of the matter, huh?

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  2. You mentioned before that others have described his dominance as gentle. Maybe this is what makes that work. You are not constantly making him drag submission out of you. Thanks for your sharing and being a thoughtful example. I try to show my submission in many ways as well. Not because of the or else but because if I'm asking him to be HOH I feel I should work on my own behavior without making him do all of the work. You're right our submission is a gift. It's a gift we must make a choice to give repeatedly because it's so many little things. I'll be adding May I. Thanks for all you share.

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    1. Yes, I completely agree...he is my "gentle Dom" in my mind...but it works for us...and I have definitely recently learned the importance of taking accountability for my own behavior. It isn't fair for me to expect him to do all the work! :P Thanks for stopping by and for your encouraging comment.

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  3. seems like a good mantra for this sporadically willful TiH to practice. you always know exactly what needs to be said exactly when it needs to be said :p

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    1. From one sporadically willful TiH to another...I understand! And thank you.

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  4. Very interesting post, what you said makes a lot of sense and has given me food for thought.

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    1. I'm glad to hear it, Angel. I'm not sure we've "met" before but thanks for stopping by. :)

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  5. Such simple words can have such a great effect. :)

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    1. Yes, it's true!

      "I love you."

      "I'm sorry."

      "I need chocolate." lol

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  6. Wow thank-you again for your great words of wisdom. I have read a couple of your posts aloud to my husband and a few we have chuckled and almost all of them inspire great conversation. We are new to this lifestyle (though we've been married for years) and its amazing at how much more fulfilling it is to the both of us. You are so right in saying a softer voice can help immensely. Thanks and I look forward to hearing more from you!

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    1. Thank you, Lisa! I'm so happy you've been able to share with your husband, and it's inspired conversation. Welcome and I look forward to sharing more with you.

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  7. It's one of the mysteries of language...how can changing one word from 'can' to 'may' make such a difference? 'Can I' sounds demanding and aggressive and 'May I' so gentle and appealing!

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    1. The trust is, sometimes it's ever hard for me to say the words! I have to swallow my pride, accept his authority, and just do it. lol

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  8. This post has been so helpful to me! I first read it about two months ago and since then have been using 'May I' a lot. I know it helps me get into a more submissive mindset, and I'm fairly certain it has helped Xander, too. Every time I ask him 'may I' he gets reminded that I want his leadership and that I want to obey him. To be honest, occasionally I ask things for which I'm sure he'll say yes just for a small obedience / happiness to serve fix. ;)
    It's gotten us far in those two months. When I started doing it, it often surprised him, and sometimes he seemed to find it odd, but we've both gotten used to my asking and his telling, and we enjoy the increased opportunities for connection.

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    1. I'm so glad you found this helpful! Isn't it funny to think that two simple words can make such a difference?

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