Tuesday, August 6, 2013


I am floundering, questioning, uncertain and scared.

I need him.

I need to know he's got me.

We've had an awful couple of days. Words have been said, words that never should have been said, words that wounded. I have so much I need to do I don't even know where to begin. I fight the urge to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head.

I am craving his dominance.

I am walking around in a haze, trying to do what's right, trying to do what needs to be done, but so uncertain.

I'm saddened.

I'm overwhelmed.

I turn away from him, off to go do something, anything, to keep me moving.

His voice stops me. 

"Come here," he says.

I obey. I walk to the top of the stairs and raise my eyes to his.

"Go to our room and sit on the bed," he instructs calmly. I wordlessly obey.

He comes in and is getting ready for the day. I see something on the floor that needs to be put away. I rise to get it, and he turns to me, skewering me with his eyes. I freeze.

"Did I tell you to get up?" he asks. I shake my head. "Go back to the bed," he instructs with an index finger pointing back to the bed.

I feel the beginning of my safety net returning. A concrete instruction. My husband, in charge. My husband, who is to be obeyed. 

My husband, who knows I need him right now.

I sit meekly and wait for him. He walks to the dresser and gets the brush. He sits on the edge of the bed and lays the brush down next to him. He opens his arms out to me.

"Come and kneel in front of me," he says softly, and I do, fighting the urge to fall at his feet. I kneel and rest my arms on his knees.

He puts a finger under my chin.

"Tell me what you need to do today," he says in a low, even voice.

And it all spills out. The pile of things I have to do that has overwhelmed me so badly I'm almost paralyzed. 

"No," he says, with a gentle shake of his head. "No. These are the two things that you need to do." He plucks the two most pressing tasks out of my list and instructs me to do those things and nothing else.

His hands on either side of my face, my eyes are looking directly into his, and I feel a myriad of emotions sweeping over me. Trust. Compassion. Calm.

The uncertainty, the frustration, it begins to melt away. He's got me. He's helping me. He knows what I need.

His blue eyes look steadily at me. "And I want you to focus on the kids. They come first."

I nod.

Yes, yes of course. That's what I need to do. 

His hand on my chin now, he holds my gaze.

"Tell me what I expect of you."

I do. I repeat what he's asked of me.

"That's right," he smiles. Then, calmly, "Now over my lap."

I obey him, willingly yet reluctantly, wanting a spanking that will cleanse and heal, and put me in my submissive place. It hurts, badly, but I need it. Swat after swat after swat he gives me, with a lecture on obeying, and doing as I'm told, and my attitude. He talks, and holds, and pauses, and caresses. 

This isn't a punishment. He's reaffirming his role -- my leader, my protector, my Dominant. He's reaffirming mine -- his girl, his lover, his Submissive.

His voice washes over me as the slow, steady, but bearable pain pushes all my worries away and I can do nothing but let myself go. I let it all go and I'm his.

I'm here now. Fully submitted. Over his lap, nothing between us anymore, no worries or fears. In his hands, where I want to be.

When he is done, he holds me tightly, close to him.

"I love you," he says, his voice soft and thick with emotion. "I needed to show you I'm in charge."

"I love you," I whisper. "I needed to be shown."

I'm in his arms.





  1. This was obviously a cathartic experience for you, Jason Girl and I'm so pleased for you. it's the kind of thing that I experience when I'm chastised but chastised with love...

    Janice xx

    1. Exactly, Janice! It is amazing how cathartic it is to be lovingly taken in hand.

  2. Lovely and well written............. He loves you and all is right with the world.

  3. I am so familiar with that overwhelmed feeling, my husband did the exact same thing with my to-do list last week when I started bawling because I couldn't get my son's shoes on. Thank God for caring husband's!

    1. It is hard to balance home, and kids, and all the responsibilities and so nice having that steady support!

  4. There are times I get like this too and it helps when he reaffirms just like yours did.

    1. I haven't felt like this in a while, but it happens sometimes...and it definitely helps.

  5. I'm a lurker. I have never commented on a blog before, but this post compelled me. I've been with my husband for 15 years, since high school, but I've just recently discovered and begun to explore my "inner submissive." I read The Surrendered Wife about a year ago, and started eliminating my own shrew. I'm trying to encourage my reluctant husband´s dominance through my own submission. I can never seem to put into words what I need. I can never explain it in a way that he understands. He doesn't want to spank me. He says he doesn't want to feel like he's disciplining one of our children. I've read from other couples that it's not the same. I crave the the emotional release I know it would provide. I know the feeling of spiraling and not being able to stop yourself. It started on Saturday, and I completely lost it on Sunday. I realized, after the fact, that a simple, firm "Enough" would have prevented it. He thinks (justifiably) that I would have blown up. I have not yet convinced him that those reactions are part of the person I used to be. Your post puts into words exactly how I feel and what I need. In detail. I hope that my husband will someday understand and react in a manner similar to your husband. I'm sorry to go on and on. Your post seems to have opened a flood-gate. Thank you for posting.

    1. Please don't apologize. I'm glad you had the courage to come out of hiding and share your feelings here. Thank you. I hesitate in posting, sometimes, because I'd hate to make anyone feel discontent, or seem like I'm bragging...but then I get posts like yours, and I think I need to keep going. The only one who can have your husband make that change is him...but his resistance is understandable, and very common. In fact, Jason and I went through some similar experiences (though he was the one who initiated DD).

      Please use anything on my blog for your own personal use as you see fit. At the top is a page called "Why Do I want to Be Punished?" others have told me they used in explaining to their husbands why they wanted DD. There is also a post that explains how I presented my needs to Jason ("How Do I get Him to Be More Dominant?", "Saving Me From Myself," and "How Do I tell my Partner I want DD?"). Jason and I have gotten to where we are after a lot of talking, a lot of ups and downs, a lot of trial and error. I wish the best for you and your husband.

  6. This is beautiful... I dot even know what else to say... It's just a beautiful picture of this lifestyle really really working.

    Thanks for sharing it.


    1. Thank you, Bekah. This happened after a particularly rough time last week and made me really appreciate him....it helps to write it out.

  7. It definitely feels SO good when they take charge like that. Nerve wracking but also nice :) Glad you two had a lovely morning!

    1. It does! It's both scary and perfect all at the same time! lol


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