There are hills and valleys.
Last week, frankly, sucked.
I was super cranky, awfully hormonal. Last month we planned this ahead of time and Jason helped me through it. This month, it snuck up on us, and let me just say it wasn't pretty. I cried. I ranted, I raved. I pushed my amazing, sweet husband away, not once, not twice, but over and over and over again.
He tried. He really, really did. He talked me through it. A few times he spanked me. A few mornings ago, he gave me the sweetest, firmest lecture that set my world to rights again and I was his good girl, taken care of and protected.
We laughed, we teased, we flirted, and it was wonderful.
But it all spiraled out of control again. It all started when I asked him for something and he said no. I pouted. And because Jason loves me, he gave me my way. What a little brat I am. :(
Later, something similar happened. We had every intention of spending the night together. Again, I asked him for something, and he said no. But this time I was embarrassed and I pulled away. I acted like a spoiled two-year-old and had a fit. And because he was exhausted, and this was the ninetieth time this week I've bratted out, he'd finally had it. He said he no longer felt the desire to spend the night with me, and asked me to go to bed.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Asking for forgiveness and crying did little to change his mind. "I love you and I forgive you," said he. "But I'm going to bed now. Go to bed. Goodnight."
My heart was broken. But it was what I deserved. How much, really, can one man put up with?
After I cried a bit, I made myself reflect.
What got me here? What could I have done to avoid this?
Maybe when I was embarrassed, I could've just told him instead of acting like a baby about it. I should've trusted him with the truth instead of pulling back inside myself. Maybe.
What I really need to do is take the focus off myself. My husband is wonderful...amazing...so very very good to me. And yet I crave more. I'm not satisfied.
Focus off myself, and focus on him. Focus on my family. I will work on allowing him to have his own space.
Sometimes, in my own focus on myself...navel gazing, Jason calls it...I forget that he, too, has needs. He, too, has feelings and emotions. Yes, as a man, he doesn't express them the way I do. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. He is every bit as human as I am. And I need to respect that.
Why am I writing this all here? First, because my husband reads my blog and I want him to know how sorry I am. I love you. You are so very good to me. I've done it again. I've put my needs before yours, and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
Please know I will work hard at showing you how very much I love you. How much you mean to me. I am so grateful for you, and I don't ever want to take you for granted again.
I'm also writing because maybe some of my readers are also at a low in their relationship. Maybe something just isn't working. Maybe tremendous pressure has put a strain on your relationship. Whatever the case may be, I want you to know you're not alone.
When things are going well, they are amazing. When two people love each other there is challenge, vulnerability, honesty, commitment, and love. When you leave yourself open, you allow yourself to experience some of the best high points you can imagine. When things are going well with me and Jason, I feel loved to the tip of my toes, and he does, too. He may not say it, but I can see it in his eyes, the way he looks at me, like I am so precious to him. He knows how much I trust and appreciate him.
But the lows...the valleys. Dear readers, they are devastating. I've never felt so hurt, so alone, so crushed as I do during the low times. And he hurts, too. Monday night, after I angered Jason, I was sent to bed alone. It was one of the most painful nights of my life. I cried myself to sleep. When I pushed him away again, and he turned from me, It was awful. I saw the hurt in his eyes and was asked to leave, knowing I was the cause of that hurt and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.
I wanted to fix things and couldn't. The only thing I could do was let it go and give him space.
This week alone, we've had incredible highs and lows. We are in the valley now...in a low that frankly hurts like hell. But I know we will get through. We can't stay in the valley forever. Why? Because we love each other.
I can't take back the hurt. I can't change what's gone on. I can't wave a magic wand and make all the things said in anger disappear.
And I cannot lie and say these things don't happen. They do.
I can look at what I've done wrong, and ask myself what I could've done differently. And next time, I can make a better choice.
Dear readers, if there's anything I want to say, it is this. So many of you want this. So many of you live this. It is not all sunshine and roses. There are challenges. There are hurts.
Just keep going.
The challenges in our relationship are what bring us together. It is painful. It is not easy to walk through fire. It is not easy to be tested, and pushed, and stretched.
But without the stretches and pulls and tests, there is no growth.
So where am I now? I am at a low that I will push through. He needs space. I need to focus off myself and focus on him. Focus, focus, focus. Off self.
It's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me.
I will let my own will go. I will seek to put my family first. And I will trust my husband...to lead us, and brings us out of the valley and back to where we need to be.