Saturday, August 3, 2013

Hills and Valleys

 I try to be honest. I really don't like to paint an unrealistic picture of anything...of marriage, of life, of DD. It's not all perfect. I'm not perfect, and my husband isn't perfect. We make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes hurt.

There are hills and valleys.



Last week, frankly, sucked. 

I was super cranky, awfully hormonal. Last month we planned this ahead of time and Jason helped me through it. This month, it snuck up on us, and let me just say it wasn't pretty. I cried. I ranted, I raved. I pushed my amazing, sweet husband away, not once, not twice, but over and over and over again.


He tried. He really, really did. He talked me through it. A few times he spanked me. A few mornings ago, he gave me the sweetest, firmest lecture that set my world to rights again and I was his good girl, taken care of and protected.

We laughed, we teased, we flirted, and it was wonderful.

But it all spiraled out of control again. It all started when I asked him for something and he said no. I pouted. And because Jason loves me, he gave me my way. What a little brat I am. :(

Later, something similar happened. We had every intention of spending the night together. Again, I asked him for something, and he said no. But this time I was embarrassed and I pulled away. I acted like a spoiled two-year-old and had a fit. And because he was exhausted, and this was the ninetieth time this week I've bratted out, he'd finally had it. He said he no longer felt the desire to spend the night with me, and asked me to go to bed. 

Ouch, ouch, ouch. 

It had become all about me again...my needs...my wants...and I pushed my husband away. 

Asking for forgiveness and crying did little to change his mind. "I love you and I forgive you," said he. "But I'm going to bed now. Go to bed. Goodnight."

My heart was broken. But it was what I deserved. How much, really, can one man put up with?

After I cried a bit, I made myself reflect. 

What got me here? What could I have done to avoid this? 

Maybe when I was embarrassed, I could've just told him instead of acting like a baby about it. I should've trusted him with the truth instead of pulling back inside myself. Maybe.

What I really need to do is take the focus off myself. My husband is wonderful...amazing...so very very good to me. And yet I crave more. I'm not satisfied. 

Focus off myself, and focus on him. Focus on my family. I will work on allowing him to have his own space. 

Sometimes, in my own focus on myself...navel gazing, Jason calls it...I forget that he, too, has needs. He, too, has feelings and emotions. Yes, as a man, he doesn't express them the way I do. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. He is every bit as human as I am. And I need to respect that. 

Why am I writing this all here? First, because my husband reads my blog and I want him to know how sorry I am. I love you. You are so very good to me. I've done it again. I've put my needs before yours, and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

Please know I will work hard at showing you how very much I love you. How much you mean to me. I am so grateful for you, and I don't ever want to take you for granted again.

I'm also writing because maybe some of my readers are also at a low in their relationship. Maybe something just isn't working. Maybe tremendous pressure has put a strain on your relationship. Whatever the case may be, I want you to know you're not alone.

When things are going well, they are amazing. When two people love each other there is challenge, vulnerability, honesty, commitment, and love. When you leave yourself open, you allow yourself to experience some of the best high points you can imagine. When things are going well with me and Jason, I feel loved to the tip of my toes, and he does, too. He may not say it, but I can see it in his eyes, the way he looks at me, like I am so precious to him. He knows how much I trust and appreciate him. 

But the lows...the valleys. Dear readers, they are devastating. I've never felt so hurt, so alone, so crushed as I do during the low times. And he hurts, too. Monday night, after I angered Jason, I was sent to bed alone. It was one of the most painful nights of my life. I cried myself to sleep. When I pushed him away again, and he turned from me, It was awful. I saw the hurt in his eyes and was asked to leave, knowing I was the cause of that hurt and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. 

I wanted to fix things and couldn't. The only thing I could do was let it go and give him space.

This week alone, we've had incredible highs and lows. We are in the valley now...in a low that frankly hurts like hell. But I know we will get through. We can't stay in the valley forever. Why? Because we love each other. 

I can't take back the hurt. I can't change what's gone on. I can't wave a magic wand and make all the things said in anger disappear. 

And I cannot lie and say these things don't happen. They do. 

I can look at what I've done wrong, and ask myself what I could've done differently. And next time, I can make a better choice.

Dear readers, if there's anything I want to say, it is this. So many of you want this. So many of you live this. It is not all sunshine and roses. There are challenges. There are hurts. 

Just keep going.

The challenges in our relationship are what bring us together. It is painful. It is not easy to walk through fire. It is not easy to be tested, and pushed, and stretched. 

But without the stretches and pulls and tests, there is no growth. 

So where am I now? I am at a low that I will push through. He needs space. I need to focus off myself and focus on him. Focus, focus, focus. Off self. 

It's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me. 

I will let my own will go. I will seek to put my family first. And I will trust my husband...to lead us, and brings us out of the valley and back to where we need to be.




12 comments:

  1. I don't usually express myself this way, maybe because we Brits are renowned for liking our personal space and the 'touchy feely' thing isn't what we do, but I have to say that, when I read the sadness in your words, the only thing I wanted to do was offer you a big hug.....

    I hope so much that your Jason *does* read this because I just know that he's going to understand how bad and sorry this has made you feel.

    Thinking of you,

    Ros

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    1. Thank you, Ros. We had a wonderful talk this morning, and I think we both understand each other better. We've been able to put this behind us. As much as it hurt, I think we needed to work through some things.

      Thanks so much for your comment...it meant a lot to me. Especially knowing how difficult it is for a Brit to give a hug! Really, Thank you. :)

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  2. though i'm sure this was almost as painful to write as it is to live through the feelings I want to thank-you for it and sharing the moments that aren't all sunshine and roses. my husband and I are new to the DD relationship and boy its not easy, on either one of us. he has been in a "mood" lately and I haven't been able to help ease his stress. I know I have been more "needy" as well as through this new relationship I have opened my soul to him in a way that I didn't know was even there before. So, i'm trying..really hard...to get out of my neediness and stop thinking about myself and just focus on him and what he needs though he (like it sounds like Jason is) is a typical man and doesn't talk much about feelings. I'm glad you and Jason were able to talk it out and get back to a good place. I hope our talk is soon upon us because like you said, its painful. Thanks for sharing and letting me (and others) know that we aren't in the valley alone.

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    1. Lisa, it was difficult to write, but I'm glad I did. Yes, when you open yourself up like this it is so difficult. So many emotions surface, and it's challenging to take our focus off ourselves when we need so much! I hope you, too, are able to have a good talk and move towards a better place. Hang in there. You are definitely not alone.

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  3. Very true words. You can't have peaks w/o the valleys. I'm sure next week will be better.

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    1. It already is, sunnygirl. Thank you. :)

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  4. I'm so glad things are better for you now. It really does suck to be in the valley during those times. But like you said, the stretches, pulls, and tests make you grow. I'd rather go through the valley but have the growth and peaks we do have than to have a middle of the road so-so relationship!

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  5. I know I already posted to you about this and I'm so sorry to kind of "unload" on here but I so value your opinion and I don't really have anywhere else to go just to get these feelings out so you can feel free to delete this if you wish but thank-you for reading just the same..like I said we are new to this relationship and to be fair he has done a great job of stepping into the HOH position and says he really enjoys it as well. Well, for the last 2 days he has been so cold to me (which is soo unusual in our dd relationship or even before) I have asked him many times in many ways what is wrong. how can I help. did I do something...gawl just wanted to scream TALK TO ME ALREADY!! He of course said everything was ok, nothing wrong blah blah blah. well, come to find out he was upset because yesterday he asked me something and I had my nose buried in the computer and didn't hear him and I guess that upset him so he..in his words...worked it out in his head. when he told me that I felt HORRIBLE as he had told me several days ago how he saw that my submitting was a challenge but that I was doing a very good job of it (and using the may I that you blogged about was a HUGE success!)..I felt horrible that I let him down. I told him how sorry I was and that I would humbly submit myself for correction (gulp) and that I felt really guilty about it. he said no sweetheart I got it worked out in my head then went and laid down and went sound to sleep. Now i'm sitting up with all these horrible feelings not knowing quite what to do with them. I know I would have felt so much better had he just given me a spanking!! I'm thinking of asking him in the morning to please spank me even though he says (which i'm not sure I buy) that he forgives me but is that being a dom from the sub position?? whoever said TIH, DD, D/S is easy (for either party) sure doesn't know what they are talking about. Thanks again for reading and any insight. I so value your opinion!

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    1. Hi Lisa! No problem writing at all. I write this blog as much for others to relate to as myself! And I fully understand what you are going through.

      My thoughts. You guys are doing GREAT!! Really. Communicating and doing what you need to as you learn your roles. I well know the feeling of guilt. But if your hoh says no to a punishment then yes, you need to submit to that. It is harder sometimes NOT getting that spanking that helps you forgive yourself than getting one! A few things. To help let go of that feeling, tell yourself over and over that he loves you and has forgiven you and rest in that. Know he will give you what you need but he will do things on his terms and THAT is leadership (not doing things on our terms). Lay by his side when he goes to bed and remind your sled you submit because you love him and he deserves your trust and respect. Finally, make an effort to explain to him how being spanked helps YOU forgive YOURSELF. It's ok to ask for a spanking but if he says no, then you need to accept that answer.

      Hope that helps.

      You're welcome to email me anytime! Jasonsgirl001@gmail.com

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  6. What is it with this week, everyone seems to be having a hard time! I'm glad you are climbing out of your valley, and I'm glad I am too. Next week will be better.

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    1. Tara, it's in the air this week for sure!! I'm so glad everyone is doing better. Jason and I are in a much better place ... I'd say even better than we were before this challenge... As we both seem to have learned a bit along the way. Here's to a better week all around!

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