This week I've learned some hard lessons. I don't have the time to get into it all now, and I'm still processing some of it, but will update with a post soon. They were lessons I had to learn.
The bad news is, I was firmly taken in hand quite a few times, and it was not at all enjoyable.
The good news is, there is no doubt my Jason has found his Hoh groove, and if ever you heard this girl complain about a lack of consistency or desiring a firmer leadership role from her husband, you will never hear those complaints again. I've said before that Jason is the Hoh of my dreams and I still believe that.
I told him last night he could write the Hoh handbook.
The reality is, I fought the discipline I got this week (and I'm not just talking about spanking). It was serious. It was humbling. It brought up a wide range of emotions I never anticipated feeling. But as he reminded me last night, the mistakes I made will not happen again.
I had a sweet, attentive aftercare session last night that I really needed. I went to sleep with the words "I love you" in my ear, and his hand lifted the blanket and tucked it over my shoulder, then nestled against my hip in a way that made me feel safe, loved, and protected. I was exhausted, and he told me to get some sleep and he'd stay by my side until I fell asleep, because he knew I needed him.
I told him the other day I go to sleep every night content and loved, and it's all because of him.
But still...part of me questions at times. Is this right? Is this really what I need? What if my friends knew how deeply I desire his leadership and how stern the funny, witty, sweet guy they all know can really be with me? It bothers me sometimes...
And then I had a dream. I've never dreamed about DD before! But I think I had some things to work out.
In my dream, I was going to be punished. I have no idea why, but I know Jason had the kids situated and brought me to our bedroom and had me prepare to be disciplined. And then in the dream, he pulled away and said something like, "Nah. Not now," and left me on the bed waiting for him. I felt angry and hurt and followed him. He said something about, "See, I hate this about our relationship" and I said something like, "I can't do this. I don't think this is working out for us," and he laughed and said, "Good. I was hoping I'd make you say that."
And then I woke up. And I rolled over next to my husband. And immediately, a rush of memories of the past few days came over me, and interestingly enough they were of the times he was harshest with me.
The text I got last night after I stormed upstairs from him that said, "You're going the right way for another spanking, young lady, and you'd better get yourself together ASAP." The text that humbled me and stopped me in my tracks because holy hell, I know he isn't bluffing.
How he came up to me in the kitchen, wrapped his arm around me after I resisted a punishment he declared and whispered into my ear, "You need to stop this now. You are very, very close to getting in trouble, and you'll end up with another belt whipping."
Crap. Yeah, he didn't say the more polite "spanking" he actually said "belt whipping." Is there a Tih out there who wouldn't be meek and humble after that? Gah!
The memory of me over the bed, on my knees, chest flat down, head buried under my hair and hands, as he lectured me on never, ever defying him again, how important it was to obey him, as he firmly and deliberately strapped me.
Moments that were humbling and hard to take, but in the aftermath of my dream, brought me comfort and, if you can believe it, joy.
Because it was only a dream. Because what I fought and resisted this week is what I need. Because he knows what I need and he gives me what I need. Because it's not all about being punished.
It's about resting in his care. It's about the sweet way he watches out for me. It's how he balances the firmness with the most tender loving care I've had in over a decade of marriage.
How he asked me if it was okay that he call me, from now on, his "sweet baby girl."
How he told me, "I never knew we could have a marriage like this and I wish I knew years ago what I know now about giving you what you need."
How he held me so tightly it almost hurt and told me, "I don't ever want to have to punish you like that again. I want you to be my good girl but please, trust me and obey me."
Funny how a brief, vivid dream could make me more grateful than ever for what I have. I haven't told Jason about the dream, but I know he will read this post.
I just want to say, out here in as most public a place as one can get as a Tih -- Jason, I love you, I love you, I love you, and I am so thankful for you. Thank you for being everything to me.