Monday, September 30, 2013

The Spoken Word

So I like to be spanked (you know, the good kind).

And my husband likes to spank me.

But sometimes, it just isn't possible. We have company, no privacy, we aren't able to be near each other, or we're just plain tired.

It's amazing how much power words alone can have.

Some things he says are downright terrifying! They stop my heartbeat and I squeeze my eyes tight so I can just block it all out and in my head I think, "Holy crap, he did not just say that!"

"If this happens again, I'll spank your butt purple." (My gut instinct is, "You will NOT you big ogre!" but no, I don't say that!)

"Do that again and I'll whip your ass." (OMG!)

"I'll paddle you silly." (Mortifying!)

"You'll get your hide tanned for that." (Cringe!)

"I will spank you severely for that." (Whaaaa?)

Then of course there's the ever-popular, "If you ever do that again, you won't sit down for a week." (Yes, sir.)

But then, sometimes, he says things that I find both scary and hot all at the same time.

Last week, I was pouting and he gave me "the look" and said sternly, "No pouting. Stop it now, or I'll get my belt and put you over my knee."

"You know I'll have to give you a spanking for that."

"Pull your skirt down and put yourself across my lap."

"You know you need a spanking. Let's get this over with."

"Hand me my belt."

"Do you need a spanking?"

"That's enough, young lady."

"Do you need a reminder of who's in charge?"

Sometimes it's a brief conversation. He asks, "What happens if you disobey me?" I reply, "I get a spanking." (Ack! So hard to answer that!). "That's right. Are you going to obey me, or am I going to have to spank you?"

But I don't always need the threat of a spanking to bring me into submission. Jason has become very, very good at verbal Domming and I love it. I need it.

Verbal Domming takes a certain finesse, but when done right, it's immensely satisfying.

It's a wrap-around hug from behind and a whisper in my ear. "Are you my baby girl?" I say yes. "Then do what you're told."

He will occasionally take a fistful of my hair, pull gently so that my head is tipped back, and whisper, "Be a good girl," in my ear.

"Kneel down."

"Come.Here. Now."

Sometimes it's just my name in "that tone." 

Saturday night, I was irritated things weren't going my way, and I was getting grumpy. We were in a supermarket. In the parking lot, he quickly put his arm around me, drew me firmly to his side, and squeezed. The squeeze said "behave yourself." He spoke quietly in my ear about letting it go, told me he understood where I was coming from, but told me if I didn't rein in my attitude, I'd get in trouble. I reined it in.

This brings me comfort. It makes me happy.

So it doesn't always take a spanking to get me to that submissive place. 

Although, you know, I'll take that, too.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Coming to Grips with my Need to Be Spanked

I wrestled a bit with the title of this post. 

Is my desire to be spanked merely a desire? Or is it a true need? 

I know there have been times when I haven't been able to be spanked as much as I'd like, and I know where that puts me...really not in a very good place. I'm not "myself" again until I get a good spanking. 

Recently, I asked Jason if I decided I no longer wanted DD as part of our relationship, what would he say? What would he do? He wasn't the one that initiated DD (though his giving me a "real" spanking was a major catalyst for my desiring DD.) He told me that if I really didn't want DD anymore, he'd be okay with it. He said, "But I think you really need this." 

He's right. I do. 

I love to be spanked. I like sexy spankings...okay, I love sexy spankings. But although they are erotic, and enjoyable, they don't satisfy that itch I have the way a more serious spanking does. Simply put, a more serious spanking that says "I'm in charge" satisfies a deep emotional need of mine I think I still can't fully even grasp. 

I know at the heart of it is my own natural, innate desire to be loved and loved deeply. 

My most recent serious punishment spanking was very difficult to endure. He took me over his lap and spanked me soundly for doing something dangerous. I could see even in the moment how difficult it was for him to do it. But we both know that a disciplinary spanking truly does work to help me change my behavior. And did he ever want me to change my behavior. Knowing that he would take me across his knee and give me a serious, thorough spanking, for no other reason than to teach me a lesson, honestly makes me feel loved. 

If he didn't love me, he wouldn't spank me. If he didn't love me, he'd take the easier way out and not put us both through the ordeal of a harsh spanking. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't care.

But he does love me. So when I need it -- when I've done something thoughtless, or heedless, or I've let my mouth get away from me and damaged our relationship by treating him with disrespect -- he will spank me. The act of being spanked helps me forgive myself for what I've done. And I need that. I let go of my own guilt, my own anger, my own tension I've built up for having done something wrong. But after he's done, he brings me back into him. He consoles me, and soothes me, and lets me know all is forgiven. 

The entire process is highly emotional, deeply cathartic, and intensely satisfying, even if it is incredibly difficult to endure in the moment. 

I try not to get in trouble, and yet I still need to be spanked. I need this often, and Jason knows this. He tries his hardest to give me as many spankings as I need, but sometimes we just don't have the time or privacy we need and I have to go without. I've seen that whenever I have to go without, I start getting unsettled. I have a weight that begins to descend on me. My thoughts begin to be clouded, and I have to focus hard on the task at hand to keep myself doing what needs to be done. I hit the gym, or go for a run, and that does help. But I know now that I really need a spanking.

And yet, I still struggle with my need to be spanked. 

Why am I like this? Why can't I go back to how I used to be? It wasn't that long ago that I didn't have such a strong desire to be spanked. I'd suppressed the urge, because I didn't even know it was normal. And when I finally came to grips with my desire to be spanked, I told my husband. For some reason, I don't remember the conversation, but I do vividly remember that first spanking. He took me over his lap, bared me, and spanked me thoroughly with his hand. It was an intensely erotic experience. We made love afterwards, and it was unlike anything else we'd ever experienced. After I climaxed, I wept. It wasn't sad. He'd touched something deep within me that I didn't even really know was there. 

The reality is, something has been awakened in me. This is who I am. 

A week or two ago, I needed a spanking. Before he spanked me, I told him I was frustrated. My hands were balled up in frustration, and I was fighting the urge to cry.

"I don't know why I'm like this. It makes me mad that I'm like this. I don't want to be dependent on this. I worry that there's something wrong with me, that I shouldn't need this." 

Without saying much of anything, he took me across his knee and spanked me soundly. And when he was done, he made me kneel in front of him, between his knees, my arms resting on his legs. I was more relaxed, more at ease. He put both hands on either side of my face and made me look into his eyes. 

"There is nothing wrong with you. This is who you are. You are not weird, or crazy, or anything like that. You need this, and that's okay." 

I needed to hear that badly.

I'm getting better. I mostly have confidence in my need to be spanked. I waffle, at times, but there really is no denying the fact that I am just better off being taken in hand. I still work hard at being responsible. I still do other things to relieve my stress and keep me sane. But when I need a spanking, I need a spanking, and I don't need to feel badly about that. 

This past weekend, we had more privacy and time alone than we do during the week. I got my fill of spankings, and it was wonderful

Saturday, I needed a spanking, and Jason knew it. I didn't think we'd have time, so imagine my surprise when he called me upstairs (and I was still thinking I wasn't getting a spanking until later) and he pulled me right across his lap. A long, hard spanking led to something else, and boy did I feel good. But he knows I love a good spanking with the paddle, and the paddle is loud, so he promised me I'd get paddled later that night. 

Sure enough, before bed I found myself over his lap again, soundly paddled and thoroughly satisfied. He kissed me, tucked me in, and I was blissfully content. 

Sunday morning, we had another opportunity to be alone, so it was time for another round with the paddle. Over his knee I went, and he spanked me long and hard, but slowly. He talked to me about what I needed to do, and as he spanked me I couldn't help but make little "ow" noises. 

"I can hear the brat being spanked right out of you," he joked. Ha, ha. 

Sunday night I ended up doing something I wasn't supposed to, and got an impromptu hand spanking. It wasn't a harsh spanking, but I felt terrible. He assured me I was forgiven, and I eventually moved on. 

I went to bed last night happy, and at peace, with my spank tank completely topped off. 

After a weekend like this, there is no denying that I need this. I crave it. And when my needs are met, the sense of relief and satisfaction are undeniable. 

If you're reading this blog, chances are, you're like me. You like to be spanked. And if you, like me, struggle with this desire, I want to tell you the same thing my husband told me. 

There is nothing wrong with you. 

This is who you are. 

You are not weird, or crazy, or anything like that. 

You need this, and that's okay.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

New Spanking Questions

Kenzie put up a post with some spanking questions for bloggers. I thought it would be fun to answer. Please copy and paste to your with answers of your own!

1.) Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking interest? If so, feel free to share:

Not really. I've been interested in it for as long as I can remember. However, I read a review of "Fifty Shades" and the person said "this isn't real dominance and submission." My curiosity was piqued, and I googled...and the rest is history.

2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)

Sir, and ... it's a secret ;)

3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)

Baby girl, Babe

4.) We're building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?

Freaking bamboo cane thing

5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite 'reward' that is used? If not, what's something you'd like used as a reward?

Good girl spanking! Yum.

6.) What's that one phrase, that when it's used, you know you're in trouble?

"Upstairs, NOW."

7.) What's something you'd like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. ;)

Hmmm. I want more leather toys (I hear crops are really enjoyable).

8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What's the biggest piece of advice you can give them?

To not compare themselves to other people, that each couple is different, and the way one couple's DD plays out isn't the same as another.

9.) Where is the craziest place you've been spanked?

Hmm...cabin in the woods? Not too crazy.

10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What's something you'd like to cross off of that?

I'm uh...interested in nipple clamps. I heard they can be adjusted and are fun that way. ;)

11.) Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?

Corner time.

12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?

How wildly my emotions would be stirred up along this journey...

13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?

I'd want to be allowed to read and watch some of the things I've been asked not to read or watch.

14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?

I'd choose discipline. I love the fun kind and wouldn't want to give that up. But the discipline spanking satisfies an emotional and psychological need of mine that the fun spanking leaves unsatisfied...

15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?

If he offered? No way. Just not interested. I think it would leave me unsettled and feeling "off."

16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?

SEX. If that doesn't count, I love when he puts lotion on me after a spanking.

17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?

After Jason gave me a "real" spanking on his own, I started reading all I could find about DD. I realized I wanted to grant him that authority, to have his protection, and to be able to improve things in myself. So, I asked him to consider DD.

18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?

Wooden paddle or's a toss up.

19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you're going to be spanked? If so, what are they?

Yes, a black thong. He loves them and I will sometimes slip them on when I know I'm getting a spanking.

20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn't yet been perfected. What's something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don't be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don't be afraid, spill!

I know you do this because you love me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell you really how much that means to me. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

*Bonus Question (just because it's fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let's see it!*

This was really, really hard...I have so many. I changed my mind a few times!

I love this one. Even though I prefer being being over his lap, there's so much symbolism in this...he's in charge. It's sexy.  I know that feeling of leaning on my arms and letting it go. He's fully clothed, but she's bared to him. You can tell he's going to take care of business without overdoing it. Her hair falling down in surrender...and his hand around her waist, supporting her. 

Love it.

Monday, September 16, 2013

High Highs and Low Lows

Last weekend was really, really amazing. We just seemed to really have a wonderful time together. It was one of those times when Jason was exercising his ability to read my mind with near perfection ...he gave me what I need when I needed it and was sweet and attentive. I felt like I'd grown more, and matured into my role as his Tih. He spent so much time writing HIS POST and I was so grateful he did that for me. It made me see a level of depth to my husband that I was so grateful for. He's such a good man, and loves me so deeply. 

At one point I was overwhelmed and grumpy, and he came up behind me, wrapped his arm around my chest from behind in that one-arm hug I love so much, and whispered into my ear, "Poor girl. You really need me right now. Hang in there, honey. I've got you." And I just melted.

I was texting with my good friend Riley and told her how good I felt. And I remember texting something like, "I'm gonna ride this for a while because I know from experience things aren't always this good and we'll hit a bump soon." 

Because in life, there are highs and lows. And as it is sometimes said (and Riley reminded me!) , in this type of relationship, the highs are high and the lows are low.

You let your guard down. There's no wall up between the two of you. The depth of love and passion that can be stirred up as a result of a Tih relationship is amazing. Frankly, it's the draw of dd or ds from the very beginning. So when things are good, they are amazing. And when things are bad, they're awful. 

So, we hit a low this weekend. 

I like to focus on the positive. It's just kind of my nature. I'm usually pretty optimistic. And honestly, most of the time, things are pretty damn good here. But dear readers, this is real life. This isn't a fantasy world. And I would be doing you a disservice if I pretended otherwise.

It all started Friday night. I had an expectation that Jason would be coming up at a certain time. I'd hoped to have some time with him, and had to get up early the next morning. Well, he lost track of time. I was upstairs reading, and started getting angrier, and angrier, and angrier. I took a deep breath, told myself to stay calm so I wouldn't get in trouble, and went downstairs. But I couldn't hide my obvious anger. I said a few curt words, and marched back upstairs. I heard him coming up, and I was so exhausted, in that short time frame, I fell asleep. And woke up to him spanking me! 

I flipped around, and yelled, "I'm sooooo pissed off at you right now, don't you dare spank me!" (I know, I know, bad.) He just calmly told me to roll over and I said no, and he said something like, "Do you mean you are going to defy me?" Well, blatant defiance isn't such a hot idea. It doesn't go over so well here. So I figured I had no choice, and I rolled over to take my spanking. He spanked me a few times and said, "So are you going to speak respectfully to me?" and I was so mad I couldn't respond. I heard the implement drawer open and he got out the paddle. He said, "So that's how it is," and after a few swats, I finally said I was sorry just because I didn't want to be paddled.

He stopped spanking me, and came to bed and held me. After we talked a while, my anger left me, because I felt two things. First, he spanked me because I'd been rude and he wanted me to control my temper for my own good. Second, he's really serious about us not getting into arguments and I love that. So I was happy and at peace, and thankful he's such a good Hoh.

Saturday afternoon another argument. Another fight. We resolved it and things were pretty good. Saturday night, another argument. More expectations not met. I calmed myself down and we both went to sleep, though not really in a good place. Sunday morning, I wrote him a letter because I didn't want to lose my temper and get in trouble, and it helped me process everything. 

Basically what I said in my letter, and what I really feel, is that I trust him. That even though things aren't always perfect, I knew ultimately he was going to make the right decisions, and I was going to follow him. I felt good about it. Took the kids out for the afternoon so he could sleep in and relax, and came home around lunchtime. I was still a bit hurt...and wanted that re-connection. And I felt when I came in he kind of just shrugged me off. 

I was still feeling hurt, so he put his book down and said, "Come here." I did. I sat next to him and talked to him and told him I was feeling really unsettled and uncertain (Read: I need my Dom.) He kind of shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sorry, can't really do that for you now. I'm just not in the place mentally and I don't want to pretend to do that for you. I want it to be real." 

Um. Say what?

I got up from his arms and sat down in front of him, to try to figure out what was going on. The conversation went something like this. 

"Honey, I'm not asking for perfection here. I just need to know you're in charge. I am really having a hard time and just need some certainty, you know?'

Him, shrugging his shoulders, "Yeah, but I can't just flip a switch and be perfect. I'm just not in the mood. I need some space. I can't be that for you right now. Just can't. Sorry." 

Remember how last weekend he whispered, "I've got you" in my ear? When he says that, all is right with the world for me. I feel so incredibly loved.

So when Jason said that to me, in my mind, I heard, "I don't have you anymore." And in my heart, even though I knew it wasn't true, I felt, "Hey, yeah, I love you, but I just need a little break from loving you for a while because you're so much work." 

High highs, and low lows. 

I asked him why. What had I done? 

He told me he needed his space, that he just needed some time to process through things. 

And he told me I was living in a fantasy world. That life isn't a romance novel. That he isn't a fictional character. 

I told him I didn't want fantasy. I just wanted my husband back. 

I was devastated. I lost my temper, said a few things I never should've said, and drove off alone, where I sobbed my heart out. Eventually I came home, and things just plodded along, but weren't right. I needed space and time, and I needed to not lose my temper again. 

When people argue...they say things they don't really mean. They take things the wrong way. 

In Jason's defense, he explained later that sometimes, every few months, he gets into "moods." It's not that he doesn't still love me. It's not that he's being dishonest -- he's told me how much he loves me and we're in this together. It's that he's just in a mood and I need to give him time. 

I'm not always so good at that. But truth be told? I get in a raging mood about once a month, and he rolls with that for me. So I need to be able to roll with that for him. 

I knew things would be better. Jason is a good, fair, and loving man. I knew over time, we would move past this and maybe both be the wiser. These things happen, and they strengthen our relationship. But they're freaking hard to go through.

I spent some time praying, and I realized I'd behaved selfishly. He's not a robot. He's a human being. We were out when this happened, in a crowded place, and I kissed him. I turned to go get my kids, and felt his hand come around my neck and he squeezed and I knew what it meant. I've got you. I felt tears come to my eyes. 

And then...we just weren't angry with each other anymore. 

We talked. He said I didn't need to apologize, because he was the one that should be apologizing. I was humbled by his sincere apology. 

I told him his accusation of my fantasy world mind wasn't true, that I never feel that way, because "what I've got here with you is better than any book I've ever read. Real life is better than fiction." And holy hell, I mean every word of that. 

He took us out to dinner, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and we put the kids to bed. 

At this point, I was dying to be in his arms, to feel his strength, to know he had me again. He was so exhausted and I could tell, but he put everything down and asked me to come lie my head on his chest. I did. I told him I needed a spanking but would wait if he was too tired, and he said no, and I was nearly giddy with the anticipation of crawling over his lap and letting it all go

He got out the brush, and I crawled over his lap, and he gave me a wonderful, thorough, slow and deliberate spanking. Not a punishment one, but stress relief, meant to help me let it all go and get back in my happy submissive place. It worked. I felt amazing when he was done. I was so grateful he took the time to help me, even though he was so tired himself.

So what have I learned from this? We make mistakes. We all do. Even in my anger, it's not good to lose my temper. My husband deserves my respect. When he needs space, it's best just to give that to him. 

When things are good, they're wonderful. And when they're bad, they're awful. But neither extreme lasts. We just need to keep learning from each other...keep avoiding being selfish, and look beyond ourselves. Because it's not a place we arrive at, but how we get there that matters.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

A Memorable Spanking

Of the many. many. many spankings I've gotten, there are a select few that absolutely made an impression on me. 

There were a few I got that were so memorable, I never, ever did what I was punished for again. 

One day I deliberately chose to disobey Jason and do something dangerous. At the time, I didn't think it was that big a deal, really, but felt a bit guilty about it, so I fessed up. I will never forget the look on his face. It stopped my heart, so much so that I remember saying, "Okay, I can tell this is clearly something very important to you. I promise I won't do it again! I get the point!" Well, he made his point loud and clear. It was the first time ever he used two implements. He used the paddle, and then his belt, and when he put his belt down he went back for the paddle and used that again, then back to the belt and used that again. It was the first time I remember asking him to stop, and telling him I'd never do it again, and he ignored me as he soundly finished delivering the spanking of my life. Holy crap. I never, ever, ever did that again, not even once. The mere thought of doing it again had me quaking in my boots. 

There was the time I went behind his back and did something dangerous, disobedient, and disrespectful all at once. He pulled me over his lap and paddled me harder than he'd ever paddled me before. It was awful. He was so upset with me, he couldn't even give me aftercare at first, and had to leave the room. When he was finally calm again, I buried my head in his lap and cried, and he held me until I fell asleep. I never did anything like that again. 

Last night, I was punished for speeding. Dear reader, I can say with some confidence that I think this habit has been broken. 

I don't get spanked just for going over the speed limit. No, that happens, and when I catch myself going too fast, I slow down and then make a conscious effort to not speed again. And I have some leeway, of course. I'm allowed to drive at a reasonable speed. But deliberately choosing to drive far beyond the speed limit is something that has very recently been added to "the list" (what I refer to as "the theoretical list of spankable offenses.") 

Last week was the first time I was spanked for speeding. It was a good spanking, but on the smaller side. I felt badly and cried, and he held me and promised me that if it happened again, it would be a far worse spanking. 

Well, I'm ashamed to happened again. Not accidental speeding. Not speeding by just a little. Not losing focus and not realizing what I was doing. Deliberately choosing to drive far faster than was safe. 

Why do I do this? It's a habit. I'm a very busy person. I am impatient. 

I didn't want to tell him. I hate telling him I've done something wrong, and there was no question I'd get a spanking. If you've read my blog lately, you'll know that I've been in trouble quite a bit lately (though I sure as hell hope that is a trend I can put behind me). I couldn't bear to see the look on his face. But I was also mad at myself. 

Long story short, he could tell by the way I was, that I had something to tell him and flat out asked, "What rule did you break?" It wasn't stern. It wasn't angry. It was just a calm conversation. So I told him. He helped me by talking about my reaction and told me, "This is going to happen. It's a habit you have. But it's a habit you need to break, and you need my help with this." 

You and I know what kind of help he's talking about. 

I knew he'd promised a serious spanking, and I knew I deserved it, but part of me still hoped it wouldn't be that bad. Sometimes he says he'll give me a serious spanking but when the time comes, he can tell I'm really repentant, and he lightens up on me or occasionally will even decide I don't deserve a spanking. 

Yeah, well, let's just say that didn't happen last night. 

He got the paddle. I was hoping against all hope that he would put me over his lap as it's so much easier to bear that way. I feel rejected when punished on the bed, like I'm not worthy of his holding me when he spanks me. It hurts so badly and I hate it. So I always feel when he puts me over his lap he is being more merciful. 

He had me remove all my clothing, and asked me to go over his lap. Before he spanked me, he gave me a long lecture. 

"Why are you over my lap for a spanking?" 

"Because I was speeding again." 

"Yes. And what happens when you speed?"

"I get a spanking." 

"Has this been the first time I've spanked you for this?" 

Me, in a small voice, and tears coming to my eyes. "No." 

"I'm going to make it good and clear how serious I am about this, and I never want to do this again. Is that clear?"

I could barely speak.

"Yes, sir." 

He paddled me, and it was awful. I did my very best to lie still and take it. I crossed my ankles and held onto the end of the bed, but it was hard to do. He swung hard, and that paddle is serious stuff. It stings, and lingers, and covers one hell of a lot of surface area. It makes me catch my breath and I can't help but whimper and squirm a bit. I reached my arms down and held onto his leg for comfort, and that helped, just holding onto him. After a very, very long time, he said, "Stand up." 

I obeyed. 

"Now go get my belt." 

I did, and it already hurt to walk just to go get it. I handed it to him, but deep in my bones at that moment I knew he was serious. I was already crying quietly at this point. I knew I would not forget this for a long time. I wondered if he'd put me back over his lap. When I'm punished with his belt, he usually puts me over the bed. 

Not this time. 

"On your knees, on the floor. Chest down, ass in the air." 

Holy shit. 

That was scary. I obeyed. He strapped me, hard. I cried out a few times but held position, even though it was so hard to do. The sting of the belt hit home, and I wondered how long this would go on. He didn't strap me long, but it was awfully hard. 

"Stand up again, and back over my lap," he said. At this point, I was resigned to the fact that I was going to endure the worst spanking I'd ever gotten. 

He began to lecture again. "I don't ever, ever want to do this again," he said, as he cracked that paddle against my bare bottom again and again and again.

Finally, just at the end, he said, "I hate doing this to you," and that's when I really lost it. 

He put the paddle down and said quietly , "It's over now. Come here." 

I did. I knelt in front of him and put my head in his lap and I sobbed. I felt just awful. It wasn't just that the spanking hurt and believe you me, it hurt like hell. It was the knowledge that he would only ever spank me so severely if he really, really wanted to teach me a lesson. It was the knowledge that I'd let down the man I love more than life itself. It was the knowledge that I'd "made" him do something he hates doing. He likes spanking me. But he doesn't like punishing me. And he hates when he has to spank me so harshly.

I cried and I cried, deep wracking sobs that I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. He held me and said, "Shhh," rubbing my back as I cried. He said at one point, "It's okay. Let it all out, honey," and I did. It was very cleansing, actually, even though I don't like crying like that. 

I asked him to please get the lotion, and he did, laid me on my belly and rubbed the aloe lotion all over. Then he got me some tissues and a glass of water, and held me. He said, "You stay here with me as long as you need, honey. As much as you need until you feel better again." It was so sweet, really. But I so needed it. 

He talked quietly to me about how terrible it would be if he ever got a call that I'd been hurt, or in an accident, or hurt someone else. He told me he knew it was hard for me not to speed, but he knew I could do it, and he knew I would try so hard not to do it again. 

And then he said, "Babe, I hate spanking you like this, but if this ever happens again, believe me when I tell you, you won't sit for a week." 

I believe it. 

But it won't happen again. Not ever. 

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I've learned my lesson. 

It's not worth it. It's not worth the risk of hurting someone. Yes, this spanking was awful to take. But you know what would be worse? Losing control of my car. One of my children being harmed, or worse, because of my impatience. Someone else being harmed, or worse, because I didn't take the time to slow down and be safe. 

When he was done holding me, he made it up to me with some other really nice things, and I went to bed happy, calm, and at peace. 

But I slept on my belly all night long.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Waiting for a spanking.

Who hasn't been in this position? 

I have a spanking coming. 

I totally deserve it. I totally, really, really don't want it. 

The more time goes on, the more I hate being punished. It hits me hard -- pun intended. Physically, Jason doles out punishment spankings that are, undoubtedly, meant to modify behavior. Emotionally, it kills me to know I've let him down and I'm deserving of punishment. 

I am spanked often, usually at least once a day. Most of those spankings are not punishment spankings. It's almost always the good kind -- role affirmation, sexy spankings, or stress relief. Most days, I have a bit of a sting on my bottom, and I like it that way. 

We've come to the point that punishment is rare. 

However, it still happens, and it ebbs and flows. So although I sometimes go weeks without being punished, every once in a while I hit a point where I get a variety of punishments in a short time period. That's where I am now. 

I was punished last week, for speeding. That's a big no-no here. That was, I think, Thursday or Friday. Saturday afternoon, we were alone and I gave him a bit of an attitude, and found myself bent over his lap being strapped until I was repentant and obedient again. Saturday night, I ended up in the corner for forgetting one of my rules. Sunday night, I gave him an attitude and ended up in tears over a reprimand and asked him to spank me for being naughty, because I felt so guilty. He did. It helped. 

Last night, I realized I'd forgotten something I was supposed to do. I was supposed to give my son his medicine. It's important, very important. But I forget sometimes, when I get busy with other things. Jason has warned me over and over and over again, and told me point-blank a few weeks ago he was making it my responsibility. I've been very good about it but forgot once last week and he said simply, "This is going on the daily checklist. If you forget it again, it's a spanking." 

Well, I forgot. I told him, head bowed on his chest. 

He looked at me sadly and kissed me, and I asked him if he was angry. He smiled and said, "No, sweetie, I'm not angry with you at all. It's okay." He hugged me, and I thought, thank goodness, I'm not in trouble. It felt very nice! For that very brief moment I was disillusioned. I said something about not getting in trouble and he said, "Oh, no, you're still getting a spanking for it." 

I had my arms around his neck and my mouth up to his ear. "Oh, please, honey. I'm so sorry I forgot again. Maybe I can go to the corner? Please don't spank me," I pleaded. 

I really don't like being spanked for punishment. It devastates me. As much as the pain of the spanking, the sorrow that I feel consumed with is really hard to deal with, and it always makes me cry now. 

"You've said this before," he said. "The corner doesn't work for you. It doesn't motivate you to do what you should like a spanking does." 

My heart sank. I am blessed, and very thankful, that my husband is very consistent, and very firm. But it's still hard to deal with when the rubber hits the road. 

We went upstairs, but we have a large amount of people in this house, and long story short, it became clear we didn't have privacy. He gave me a few sharp swats with his hand and lectured me, and he toyed with a few punishment ideas. 

"I need to punish you for this," he said. "I cannot let it slide. But we don't have the privacy for a spanking, so I'm not sure what to do." 

We talked through a few different ideas. 

"What you really need for this is the heavy paddle," he said. Ugh. I just cringed. It's new, and I haven't had that for punishment yet. 

"So this is what we're going to do. Tomorrow morning, you're getting your spanking. We'll have privacy then, and I can deal with this." 

I nodded. But after a minute, I thought maybe we did indeed have privacy as everyone had now gone to bed, so I asked him if he would get it overwith then. 

He grew stern and said, "What did I just say? When are you getting your spanking?" So I buried my head on his arm and apologized. He held me until I was calm and at peace, then tucked me in and I went to sleep. 

But I was up at 3. Couldn't sleep. Punishment is looming over my head and I hate it

He knows I do, so he doesn't typically make me wait.

The waiting is almost as bad as the actual punishment. How will I react emotionally? I'm already on the verge of tears. I know I will cry. How hard will the spanking be? No doubt, hard. He wouldn't have told me I earned the heavy paddle if he wasn't planning on doling out a serious spanking. Will we indeed have the privacy we need? Will I need a lot of aftercare, and will we have time? Will he use other things besides the paddle? The combination of leather and wood makes me quake. 

These are the things that make it hard waiting...the unknown, combined with the certain knowledge that it will be unpleasant on a variety of levels.

But I do know that when it's over, we will both feel better. I know that I will be motivated to behave, and I'll have a firm reminder of that as I go about my day. 

And I do hope I can get back to the rarely-punished stage, as in today. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Questions for my Husband: Jason speaks

To My Readers: I put together a list of questions I've been asked, directed to my husband, and asked if he'd answer them. He did. Here are his responses.

Everything you ever wanted to ask Jason and were not afraid to ask him...

Yes, I'm real, JGirl didn't make me up.

Why did you initiate DD?

I didn't initiate Domestic Discipline. It grew out of/into our marriage naturally.

How did you first feel about this way of life?

Honestly, I don't really think about our marriage and how we relate to each other as 'a way of life'; TTWD is just a small piece of what makes us 'us'; it really doesn't define us and I am not comfortable defining our marriage in such terms. I understand from JGirl that many in this community find it helpful to categorize their relationship behaviors in this way; I do not. Maybe that's the Gen-Xer in me.

Alphabet Soup

There were a lot of questions related to “Alpha Male" issues. I felt that my responses would be more coherent if they were seen together. I can relate in some respects to each of the issues behind these questions, and dealing with each of them required from me a certain level of selflessness that I wasn't entirely comfortable with at the time. I think the key to overcoming many of the issues that spawn these kinds of questions is to become more aware and more responsive to your partner, and less selfish. Ultimately, as a leader you must do what's best for those who follow you, even if that means you suffer as a result. That probably seems kind of counter-intuitive, given the subject matter at hand, but stick with me and hopefully you'll begin to appreciate the point I am trying to make.

How did you overcome the fear of hurting her?

I just spanked JGirl. That was pretty much it. She approached me with her desire for this. I expressed my reticence in doing it. She said she could take it, and really craved it. Her initial request was related to sex, so I pretty much just went along to see where things would go. She REALLY liked it, and it unleashed a side of her that I was unsure existed, even after 10 years of marriage – a really good side of her, if you catch my meaning. After a couple of months of spanking during our times of intimacy, JGirl asked me to try punishment spanking, too. Which led to...

"I don't want to feel like a jerk. I don't want to control her. How do you get over this?"

Like many guys my age, I was steeped in a home suffused with the mores of the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement of the 70's, and early 80's. Every message I heard about women told me that they were just as good as men, could do anything men could do and even better, and you MUST NEVER HIT A WOMAN, EVER! You also must NEVER TELL A WOMAN WHAT TO DO, OR CONTROL HER IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, or you are an ABUSER!!!

Cultures are pretty much defined by what they consider taboo, and the culture we grow up in largely forms the way we see the world and treat others. But cultural messages can also be out of whack with who we are as human beings. I think to a large extent, men in the west have been emasculated by western culture, all in the name of doing something just, namely, giving women the respect and dignity they deserve as human beings. Nevertheless, as humans are wont to do, we've gone a bit too far in our drive to free women, and have somewhat imprisoned men, and made true masculinity taboo.

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something is awry between women and men nowadays. Women read all kinds of trashy romance literature and fantasize about being swept away by a man who dominates her completely – someone who not only is a great lay, but also protects her, provides for her, and leads her through life's hardships and joys; but these same women go out to work, or with friends and completely trash all of the men in their lives. Why is that? I'll tell you why: Genetics.

I don't think women would behave this way if the men in their lives gave them what hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has programmed them to want – an alpha male. From where I sit, most men (myself included until just recently), act like juvenile members of a pack; they hang out around the edges of life, get laid when and where they can and then move on. Our culture tells us that's what we (men) are, and how we should behave, so that's what we do. We don't step up, we don't take control of the pack, so to speak, and look out for our mates and our offspring; alpha males do this by nature. Men and women are animals, too; thus, it stands to reason that being an alpha male isn't just about 'getting some', (it is that), but it's that AND providing for and protecting those they lead. As long as men refuse to provide, protect AND lead, they will never satisfy that deepest of longings that mother nature has programmed right into the DNA of every woman on this planet.

So my friend, how do you stop feeling like a jerk, like you are controlling her, how do you get over it? Get over your weak-ass self, that's how. Stop acting like a juvenile, stop believing that what our culture tells you about yourself is true (it's not and deep down you know it) and act like a man, an alpha man. Love your women, protect her, provide for her in the ways you can; but most of all, lead her. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes a man. It won't happen overnight, it won't be easy but as long as you keep trying it will happen. But until that day...

How do you get past feeling like it's just a game?

Have you ever tried to get rid of a bad habit? It's not easy, is it? Well, becoming a true man will require you to break some bad habits. Leading your woman is going to feel unnatural to you, it's going to feel uncomfortable and it's going to feel fake. There is nothing to do for this but to keep providing, protecting and leading. I struggled with this same issue for quite a while, and it's pretty much subsided. If you decide to step up for your woman, you're going to have to stay strong and stay the course. It will stop feeling so unnatural. You'll grow into it over time. One other thing, do your best to focus on your woman, not yourself. The more you pay attention to her, the easier it will be to see when she needs you to be more or less of an alpha. You'll also learn more about her and who she really is, and that's just good no matter how you slice it.

Do you get overwhelmed? If so, how do you deal with that?

I'm a world-class introvert. I need space, I need quiet. Hell, I can't even sleep if someone or something is touching me. You're going to get overwhelmed. I'm not sure if this question is from a man or a woman, so I'll answer both. If you are a guy, step back, get some space. Tell your partner you need time to process and that you'll totally attend to them just as soon as you can clear your head and get a grip on things again. Just be honest and forthright about your needs and in most cases you'll get what you need to regroup. If you are a woman, focus on one thing you can accomplish, and do it. Don't let all of the things swirling in your head and heart overcome you. Prioritize, and be thankful for what you have, that helps, too. And if that doesn't work, and your man is around, walk up to him with your implement of choice and tell him straight up, “Smack my ass, I'm overwhelmed."

Does her neediness ever frustrate you?

Yes. But at the same time, I freely acknowledge that a lot of that frustration stems from my own selfishness. There are times I just don't want to deal with my wife's needs. But you know what, she needs me to deal with it. If I don't, she feels bad, I feel worse, and I have to deal with that. That neediness is probably a sign that you're not all the way alpha, or at least not doing what you should. When she's needy stop what you are doing immediately (put down the iPhone, XBox controller, shut of the TV), and pay attention to her. Most of JGirl's 'needy' moments come when I'm ignoring her for extended periods of time. I think you may be pleasantly surprised to find that her neediness will decrease in direct proportion to how much you increase the attention you give her on a regular basis.

How have you learned to give her what she needs?

I pay attention to JGirl. I look in her eyes a lot. I listen to what she says, really listen – not just to the words, but to how she says them. Most men are not naturally emotionally intelligent (don't know what that is, look it up on Wikipedia). This means they are not naturally inclined to read hidden signals woman are always giving them. Again, try to be less selfish with where you place your attention and you'll start to 'get it'. Also, don't be afraid to just admit that you have no idea how to read her signals. She'll tell you, believe me. JGirl has given me so much insight into her mind and heart just because I told her I had not clue what her signals where or meant.

Oh yeah, and  make sure you touch your woman a lot in non-sexual ways; she likely needs regular physical reminders of your presence and strength.

Practical Matters

How do you decide on a rule?

I assume this is a rule that JGirl gets a spanking for breaking? It's simple, for me I have only one set of rules and they are all related to the health and safety of JGirl and our kids. JGirl asks me from time to time to add rules related to personal goals she has (e.g., exercise, work, food, etc.). I take her suggestions into consideration based on what I perceive her likelihood of failing to achieve her goal, and either proscribe a rule or not. Basically, I get final say on what the rules are.

What do you think are spank-able offenses?

Doing stupid stuff that endangers one's life or that of others. For example, don't speed on the highway, don't text while driving, don't leave potholders or dishtowels on the top of the stove, always clean the lint filter on the dryer. Stuff like that, things that could end up with someone dead or seriously injured. As for other stuff, that's up to each couple to determine.

Do you think punishment should be delayed, or right away?

I like to do it right away if possible. JGirl loses it if she has to wait. I don't like to do that to her, though I will if something is very serious.

How do you decide which implement to use and how long to spank?

I don't really have a thought process. I just grab something and use it. How long is also based on the situation. I always observe JGirl very closely when I mete out a spanking. It's not so much about how long or how hard, but getting her to be sorry for what's she's done. That's all that matters to me because that 'sorry' state of mind and heart is what stops her from doing the same thing again.

How do you differentiate between sexy spankings, punishment, etc.?

Sexy spankings are 'sexy' and punishment spankings are not sexy.

How do you know how much aftercare she needs?

I just give her as much as she needs (time or circumstances permitting), until she is happy and smiling.

Do you ever give rewards?


Do you use other punishments? Where do you get the ideas?

I've made her kneel on the floor a couple of times. It just seem right at the time. I'm pretty boring and don't really think I need other kinds of punishment for JGirl. I've seen a few websites that JGirl recommended and was kind of put off by some of the stuff I read and/or saw. That's just me, to each his or her own.

How do you deal with misbehavior in public?

JGirl never misbehaves in public; that's my specialty. If she ever did, I have a hand squeezing code I use that tells her she's in trouble. But I've never had to use it. I can usually tell when she's about to get stupid and a certain 'look' I have always gets her to not go there.

Gettin' 'Mad Skillz'

How did you get the look and tone that a sub craves?

In all humility, I'm just that good. Really, I am. OK, seriously, it took practice and talking to JGirl and getting her feedback, she helped me perfect it. Nevertheless, it's true – I am that good.

What are things you do to display your dominance?

Usually small things like telling JGirl to get me something in front of other people. Nothing that would scandalize professionally aggrieved grievance professionals. Maybe something like, “Hon, get me a glass of water.” in a respectful tone of voice. I might also have her kneel on the floor while I sit in a chair while we talk to other people. She loves this. There are other things, too; but I am a gentleman so you won't get any of them out of me.

Do you hold yourself to the same expectations you have for Jgirl?

As far as safety rules, yes I do. It would be hypocritical of me to do otherwise. Though, I'm not getting spanked if I break one. For other rules, no.

And one more: have you noticed any changes in yourself since stepping up as hoh?

Yes, some. I am a bit more comfortable in my role as a husband. I'm also way, way, way more in tune with JGirl and her needs and it's made for a much happier home life for both of us. However, I am finding that I am a lot angrier now than I ever have been in my life, but I'm 99% sure it stems two things. First, from the fact that I'm super introverted and I'm expending a lot more energy in JGirl's direction. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a good thing. Second, I've unleashed a lot of latent male energy by stepping up and leading my wife in the way I have, but I haven't fully learned to control it. I know I'll get there, but like the rest of this stuff, it takes time and patience.

Do you have advice for people just starting out?

Yeah, just take it a day at a time and don't expect miracles. Also, accept one another for who you really are, not who you want each other to be – I'm looking at the girls in particular on that one. Other than that, make sure you communicate regularly. For the men, really listen and pay attention. For the women, speak up – men are not mind readers; if you want something a certain way, then say it. If something is not working for you, say that as well and don't just be a doormat.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Spank me. Please!

It had been a very, very long day. 

I'd gotten up at the crack of dawn and run some errands. I came home, and Jason asked me how I was doing. I usually get a morning "check in" which almost always involves some kind of spanking. It's what I need. But I was busy -- couldn't be bothered to stop. So I went about my day without my check-in. 

If he'd been more dominating, it may have helped, but he had to go and be all sweet. ;) He kissed me and told me he loved me, and said some goofy things that made me laugh. 

I went about my day. It was a busy, super busy, crazy day. I got a lot done, and at the back of my mind I heard a little voice that said "you need his check-in. You're gonna regret this," but I laughed in the face of the little voice in the back of my head and said, "Ha ha ha. No! I've got this. I am strong! I don't need to be spanked that often." I don't need it every day. But...sometimes I do.

Maybe you can see where this is going.

By dinnertime, I was a wreck. A ball of nerves. I wanted to crawl into his lap and have him turn me over his knee so badly. I picked up my phone and sent him a one-liner. 

"I need my Dom." 

But we didn't have any privacy. The kids were up and we had family over. I just wanted a firm reminder that he had me. 

But it didn't happen at first. He was busy, I was busy. 

By the time the kids went to bed, I was a disaster.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly. I laid face down on my bed, and burst into tears. 

"I'm sooo.....overwhelmed. And....I needed my check in. And I didn't get it. And I neeed yooouu," I wailed. 

He grew stern. Before I knew what was happening, I was over his lap, bared. skirt down around my knees, elbows on the bed, and the sense of relief was incredible. 

He picked up his belt and firmly began to strap me. 

"You let your mouth get away from you today," he began. 

Swat, Swat. Swat.

"You need to remember that I'm in charge." 

Swat. Swat ,Swat. 

"I don't want you to forget that." 

Swat. Swat. Swat. 

"Tomorrow, we have a birthday party to go to. I will have my belt with me. If you step out of line, I will take you out of that party, and give you a good spanking." 

Swat. Swat. Swat.

I felt my happy submissive place returning. 

He put his belt down and massaged, and I felt better but not there yet. 

He looked at my eyes. 

"Kneel," he commanded. "Five minutes." 

I obeyed, slid my way off the bed and knelt. It was a new sensation. My skirt was still down around my knees, my bottom screaming hot and sore from being spanked. I put my head on the bed. He picked up his book. 

"I will sit with you tonight," he said. 

I felt my tension began to leave. After a time, he reached his hand out to me and began stroking my hair. I felt calm come over me. 

But I still wasn't there yet. 

He made me look at him. I looked into his eyes and he said, "How are you?"

"I'm okay," I said. 

His face grew stern. 

"Stand up," he said. I obeyed. 

"Strip off all of your clothes." 

I did, trembling a bit, as I didn't know what I'd be asked to do next. 

"Now I want you to face the wall. Forehead flat against the wall, arms straight up in the air. And do.not.move." 

Well, this was new, but I trusted him. I knew he'd give me what I need. 

He's freaking good at putting me back in my submissive place, where I'm happiest. 

After a while, I heard him sit up, and without a word, I heard the jingle of his belt again. 


Holy crap, that hurt. 

Swat. Swat. Swat

No lecture this time. Just a spanking. A long, hard strapping that I found immensely, deeply satisfying

He called me over to him. I went. 

He opened his arms and I put my head in his lap. 

"Go get the brush," he said quietly. I thought maybe I'd get a spanking with the brush, and I was fully prepared to accept whatever he required. I quickly, and without complaint, fetched the brush. I handed it to him. 

"Good girl," he said softly. "Put your head in my lap." 

I did. 

And he brushed my hair. 

Every single frustration and fear was gone. There was nothing left but deep, utter content and peace.

It was wonderful.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

When things just aren't going your way: to those who are struggling.

Tonight, I'm up a bit later than I planned. But I have something on my mind that's been on my mind for quite some time, and I wanted to pen a little bit of a post to the ones out there who are struggling. 

I often get e-mails, pleas for help, from those who are struggling. Things just aren't what they seemed. You are frustrated. You are lonely. You are hurt. My heart goes out to you.  

Tonight, this post is for you. 

Maybe you've been reading these blogs, and you're heartsick. You want this, so badly. Maybe you've asked your husband or significant other for the accountability of DD. You crave that dominance. You hate how you feel when you are waffling or uncertain, and you want the certainty of a firm but loving hand. You are not alone. 

Some of you have had a DD or D/S relationship and for whatever reason, it fell apart. This is so very difficult to take. To have had what you've wanted so badly and lost it is simply devastating. I've been there.

Maybe you are frustrated, shaking your head, not understanding why things just don't "click." You don't understand why you can't move past certain bumps in the road, and have these great relationships everyone (including me) is blogging about. Maybe you think your Hoh will just never get it.

Keep hope. It's not an easy thing. There are struggles and pains along the way. I don't know a single successful working DD relationship out there that hasn't had some kind of painful growth along the way. 

I'm going to give you a bit of advice. Take it or leave it. I'm just someone just like you, someone in the trenches. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I promise you something, readers. I will only ever be open and honest. Some things I don't share for privacy or safety reasons, of course, but I would never lie or even stretch the truth. 

So I'm going to be blunt. 

I am very, very frequently told "you have an awesome Hoh," or "I think your husband is perfect," or "how can I get my husband to be more like yours?"

I have a few things to say about that. First, yes, Jason really is amazing. It's no secret that I adore him. Adore him. And he thinks pretty highly of me, too. ;) I don't take this for granted for one blessed day. Not a day goes by that I don't try to show him how much I love him, both in word and deed. I know it could all be gone tomorrow. I don't take it for granted, not one bit. 

But this is the truth. Are you ready? First, we didn't get where we are overnight. There was a lot of hard work, a lot of talking, a lot of tears, a lot of heartache. And sometimes, there still is. We're only human. He's amazing, but he isn't perfect, and neither am I. 

Second, I am a hopeless romantic. I like writing about things that make me happy, and my sweet, sexy, romantic husband makes me happy. So does getting spanked. So those are the things I write about! But no, things aren't perfect. I get frustrated at times, too. So does Jason. It happens. 

So I'm going to tell you a bit about our struggles, and I'm going to tell you what helped us. If even one reader gleans a bit of advice or hope from this post, then I'll be happy. I drafted a post on a forum I go to, and others said they really found it helpful, so I'm going to borrow a bit from what I wrote there. 

For a long time, I wanted consistency. I wanted to know my husband was in charge, and wouldn't let me get away with anything. I hate that feeling I get when I'm feeling irritable or angry, and when Jason made me stop, it was reassuring and comforting. I felt loved, because our relationship was important enough to him that he wouldn't let me ruin it. I felt safe because he wouldn't let me spiral out of control. 

But for the longest time, Jason wouldn't do it. I'd get irritated, and he'd ignore me. I would say something rude, and he'd roll his eyes at me. I would fantasize about him coming in and rescuing me from myself, by taking me in hand and making me stop. But for so long, it didn't happen, and it made me feel unloved. 

Did he not care enough about me to help me? He cared about my safety and well-being, but not my mental well-being? I told him over and over and over again how much better I felt when he didn't let me get away with things. 

I told him when am punished for something I've done, I feel forgiven. I can forgive myself. 

Jason wanted to please me. He wanted to give me what I was asking for, but he was uncomfortable with a few things. He knew when he dominated me, I was happier, more content. But he wanted to see my effort. He wanted me to be "grown up" about things. The last thing he wanted to do was have someone else to parent, especially because that person was his best friend and his lover. Who wants to parent a friend and lover? 

So ladies, if he is telling you he doesn't want to punish you, it's not because he doesn't love you. It's probably the opposite. It's because he loves you, and he doesn't understand why what you want would make you feel more loved.

I wanted Jason to own his dominance. I wanted it to be authentic. I didn't want him to play around or pretend. I wanted him to really and truly be that steady rock I could depend on. I wanted the reassurance. 

It was tricky for Jason, because he really wanted to give me what I needed, but he didn't like feeling like a domineering jerk. He didn't want to feel like he was steamrolling or controlling me. He wanted to respect me. He didn't want to lose any part of me -- my spunk, my opinions, my confidence. He was afraid if he dominated me, things would be different. He liked the way I am and he didn't want to change me. 

I was the one who wanted to change me. 

He loved me as I was. I didn't. 

So how do we move past this? 

It took a lot of talking, a lot of working through, but we truly did move past this. Many things came into play, but the biggest thing for ME was to learn that I had to work on my own submission NOT contingent on how he Dommed me. This is so, so, so important, it's worth repeating: I had to work on my own submission. He was afraid of many things -- of losing me, of losing who he was, of losing who we were. I had to show him that this wouldn't happen by showing him I trusted him. The number one way you show trust is by allowing him to lead. 

But he doesn't lead, you say. 

Wanna bet? 

Does he ever express an interest in anything? Does he ever ask you to do something? Does he ever make a comment about something that displeases him? Look for those things. If he asks you to charge your cell phone so you don't get stranded by the side of the road, thank him and then make sure your cell is charged. If he suggests you go to bed earlier because maybe you look a little tired, thank him and get yourself to bed. If he thanks you for buying him crunchy raisin bran because it's his favorite, make sure you have it on hand. Look for little ways to appreciate him. Look for little ways to show you trust him. These are things you can do to help yourself cultivate submission. 

Don't wait for him to become a magic Dom overnight to do this. It's likely not gonna happen. 

You have the power to change this. You can be submissive first.

Now, there was something Jason had to learn, too.The biggest thing for HIM was when he realized that I needed his dominance. This was HUGE. So it finally clicked for him that when he Dommed me, he was actually loving me deeply, by giving me what I wanted, what I needed, by providing the dominance I craved, even at times when he may have been uncomfortable with it. 

He said at one point, "I don't want to just spank you for being cranky. I want to know WHY you are angry!" He also said it just didn't feel RIGHT punishing me. It hurt so badly when he said that. 

I said things like, "When I do something wrong, I have a hard time forgiving myself. When you spank me, I can forgive myself. It helps ME let go." This was a huge lightbulb moment for him. He literally said, "Ohhhhhh. I had no idea you felt that way!"

Some other things I said: "I hate the feeling I get when I'm irritable. When you tell me to stop, I feel so much better. Then I don't get consumed with that nasty feeling." 

"When you stop me from getting out of control, I feel so much safer. It makes me feel loved." 

I said things like this over and over again...explained how being dominated made me feel safe and secure. When it finally dawned on Jason that I wasn't asking him to be someone he wasn't...but I was asking him to meet a need of mine...he really really got it. Now he OWNS it. Now that he's seen what this has done for me, and for our relationship, there is no turning back. He's committed, and really completely confident in his ability to lead. 

I also reassured him I wouldn't be a doormat, I'd still have a say, I would still be the wife he fell in love with.

Once my Jason made this connection? It all fell into place. All of it. Before that, he would never correct me for my attitude. He would only follow through on agreed-upon rules, because he's a man of his word. And sometimes he'd want to be merciful because he loves me, and then I'd get mad because he was being inconsistent!

We both started to see that we did not lose who we were. Not at all. We began falling deeper in love. Our passion for each other grew. It's still growing. When I stopped criticizing him, and became grateful for who he was, things changed. He made an effort to give me what I needed, and when he did, he saw how it really and truly did make me feel loved. 

He told me several months in, "You were like a flower, all closed up, but now you've blossomed." 

Because I love him, and wanted him happy, I tried so hard not to push. I tried so hard to be grateful for all he did for me, and who he was. And because he loves me, he tried so hard to see what it was I really needed, and to give that to me. 

And that, in a nutshell, is what brought us here today. 

It hasn't been easy, and in no way have we "arrived." It's a journey. It's a process. You learn, and you grow. You make mistakes. There is trial and error. 

Please don't compare what you have to what others (even me) have. It's not fair to either of you. Focus on communicating, and keep taking baby steps. Little by little, step by step, you'll get there. 

Keep heart. You're not alone.