Of the many. many. many spankings I've gotten, there are a select few that absolutely made an impression on me.
There were a few I got that were so memorable, I never, ever did what I was punished for again.
One day I deliberately chose to disobey Jason and do something dangerous. At the time, I didn't think it was that big a deal, really, but felt a bit guilty about it, so I fessed up. I will never forget the look on his face. It stopped my heart, so much so that I remember saying, "Okay, I can tell this is clearly something very important to you. I promise I won't do it again! I get the point!" Well, he made his point loud and clear. It was the first time ever he used two implements. He used the paddle, and then his belt, and when he put his belt down he went back for the paddle and used that again, then back to the belt and used that again. It was the first time I remember asking him to stop, and telling him I'd never do it again, and he ignored me as he soundly finished delivering the spanking of my life. Holy crap. I never, ever, ever did that again, not even once. The mere thought of doing it again had me quaking in my boots.
There was the time I went behind his back and did something dangerous, disobedient, and disrespectful all at once. He pulled me over his lap and paddled me harder than he'd ever paddled me before. It was awful. He was so upset with me, he couldn't even give me aftercare at first, and had to leave the room. When he was finally calm again, I buried my head in his lap and cried, and he held me until I fell asleep. I never did anything like that again.
Last night, I was punished for speeding. Dear reader, I can say with some confidence that I think this habit has been broken.
I don't get spanked just for going over the speed limit. No, that happens, and when I catch myself going too fast, I slow down and then make a conscious effort to not speed again. And I have some leeway, of course. I'm allowed to drive at a reasonable speed. But deliberately choosing to drive far beyond the speed limit is something that has very recently been added to "the list" (what I refer to as "the theoretical list of spankable offenses.")
Last week was the first time I was spanked for speeding. It was a good spanking, but on the smaller side. I felt badly and cried, and he held me and promised me that if it happened again, it would be a far worse spanking.
Well, I'm ashamed to admit...it happened again. Not accidental speeding. Not speeding by just a little. Not losing focus and not realizing what I was doing. Deliberately choosing to drive far faster than was safe.
Why do I do this? It's a habit. I'm a very busy person. I am impatient.
I didn't want to tell him. I hate telling him I've done something wrong, and there was no question I'd get a spanking. If you've read my blog lately, you'll know that I've been in trouble quite a bit lately (though I sure as hell hope that is a trend I can put behind me). I couldn't bear to see the look on his face. But I was also mad at myself.
Long story short, he could tell by the way I was, that I had something to tell him and flat out asked, "What rule did you break?" It wasn't stern. It wasn't angry. It was just a calm conversation. So I told him. He helped me by talking about my reaction and told me, "This is going to happen. It's a habit you have. But it's a habit you need to break, and you need my help with this."
You and I know what kind of help he's talking about.
I knew he'd promised a serious spanking, and I knew I deserved it, but part of me still hoped it wouldn't be that bad. Sometimes he says he'll give me a serious spanking but when the time comes, he can tell I'm really repentant, and he lightens up on me or occasionally will even decide I don't deserve a spanking.
Yeah, well, let's just say that didn't happen last night.
He got the paddle. I was hoping against all hope that he would put me over his lap as it's so much easier to bear that way. I feel rejected when punished on the bed, like I'm not worthy of his holding me when he spanks me. It hurts so badly and I hate it. So I always feel when he puts me over his lap he is being more merciful.
He had me remove all my clothing, and asked me to go over his lap. Before he spanked me, he gave me a long lecture.
"Why are you over my lap for a spanking?"
"Because I was speeding again."
"Yes. And what happens when you speed?"
"I get a spanking."
"Has this been the first time I've spanked you for this?"
Me, in a small voice, and tears coming to my eyes. "No."
"I'm going to make it good and clear how serious I am about this, and I never want to do this again. Is that clear?"
I could barely speak.
He paddled me, and it was awful. I did my very best to lie still and take it. I crossed my ankles and held onto the end of the bed, but it was hard to do. He swung hard, and that paddle is serious stuff. It stings, and lingers, and covers one hell of a lot of surface area. It makes me catch my breath and I can't help but whimper and squirm a bit. I reached my arms down and held onto his leg for comfort, and that helped, just holding onto him. After a very, very long time, he said, "Stand up."
"Now go get my belt."
I did, and it already hurt to walk just to go get it. I handed it to him, but deep in my bones at that moment I knew he was serious. I was already crying quietly at this point. I knew I would not forget this for a long time. I wondered if he'd put me back over his lap. When I'm punished with his belt, he usually puts me over the bed.
Not this time.
"On your knees, on the floor. Chest down, ass in the air."
That was scary. I obeyed. He strapped me, hard. I cried out a few times but held position, even though it was so hard to do. The sting of the belt hit home, and I wondered how long this would go on. He didn't strap me long, but it was awfully hard.
"Stand up again, and back over my lap," he said. At this point, I was resigned to the fact that I was going to endure the worst spanking I'd ever gotten.
He began to lecture again. "I don't ever, ever want to do this again," he said, as he cracked that paddle against my bare bottom again and again and again.
Finally, just at the end, he said, "I hate doing this to you," and that's when I really lost it.
He put the paddle down and said quietly , "It's over now. Come here."
I did. I knelt in front of him and put my head in his lap and I sobbed. I felt just awful. It wasn't just that the spanking hurt and believe you me, it hurt like hell. It was the knowledge that he would only ever spank me so severely if he really, really wanted to teach me a lesson. It was the knowledge that I'd let down the man I love more than life itself. It was the knowledge that I'd "made" him do something he hates doing. He likes spanking me. But he doesn't like punishing me. And he hates when he has to spank me so harshly.
I cried and I cried, deep wracking sobs that I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. He held me and said, "Shhh," rubbing my back as I cried. He said at one point, "It's okay. Let it all out, honey," and I did. It was very cleansing, actually, even though I don't like crying like that.
I asked him to please get the lotion, and he did, laid me on my belly and rubbed the aloe lotion all over. Then he got me some tissues and a glass of water, and held me. He said, "You stay here with me as long as you need, honey. As much as you need until you feel better again." It was so sweet, really. But I so needed it.
He talked quietly to me about how terrible it would be if he ever got a call that I'd been hurt, or in an accident, or hurt someone else. He told me he knew it was hard for me not to speed, but he knew I could do it, and he knew I would try so hard not to do it again.
And then he said, "Babe, I hate spanking you like this, but if this ever happens again, believe me when I tell you, you won't sit for a week."
I believe it.
But it won't happen again. Not ever.
I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I've learned my lesson.
It's not worth it. It's not worth the risk of hurting someone. Yes, this spanking was awful to take. But you know what would be worse? Losing control of my car. One of my children being harmed, or worse, because of my impatience. Someone else being harmed, or worse, because I didn't take the time to slow down and be safe.
When he was done holding me, he made it up to me with some other really nice things, and I went to bed happy, calm, and at peace.
But I slept on my belly all night long.