Sunday, September 8, 2013

Questions for my Husband: Jason speaks

To My Readers: I put together a list of questions I've been asked, directed to my husband, and asked if he'd answer them. He did. Here are his responses.
~JGirl




Everything you ever wanted to ask Jason and were not afraid to ask him...

Yes, I'm real, JGirl didn't make me up.

Why did you initiate DD?

I didn't initiate Domestic Discipline. It grew out of/into our marriage naturally.



How did you first feel about this way of life?

Honestly, I don't really think about our marriage and how we relate to each other as 'a way of life'; TTWD is just a small piece of what makes us 'us'; it really doesn't define us and I am not comfortable defining our marriage in such terms. I understand from JGirl that many in this community find it helpful to categorize their relationship behaviors in this way; I do not. Maybe that's the Gen-Xer in me.


Alphabet Soup

There were a lot of questions related to “Alpha Male" issues. I felt that my responses would be more coherent if they were seen together. I can relate in some respects to each of the issues behind these questions, and dealing with each of them required from me a certain level of selflessness that I wasn't entirely comfortable with at the time. I think the key to overcoming many of the issues that spawn these kinds of questions is to become more aware and more responsive to your partner, and less selfish. Ultimately, as a leader you must do what's best for those who follow you, even if that means you suffer as a result. That probably seems kind of counter-intuitive, given the subject matter at hand, but stick with me and hopefully you'll begin to appreciate the point I am trying to make.

How did you overcome the fear of hurting her?

I just spanked JGirl. That was pretty much it. She approached me with her desire for this. I expressed my reticence in doing it. She said she could take it, and really craved it. Her initial request was related to sex, so I pretty much just went along to see where things would go. She REALLY liked it, and it unleashed a side of her that I was unsure existed, even after 10 years of marriage – a really good side of her, if you catch my meaning. After a couple of months of spanking during our times of intimacy, JGirl asked me to try punishment spanking, too. Which led to...

"I don't want to feel like a jerk. I don't want to control her. How do you get over this?"

Like many guys my age, I was steeped in a home suffused with the mores of the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement of the 70's, and early 80's. Every message I heard about women told me that they were just as good as men, could do anything men could do and even better, and you MUST NEVER HIT A WOMAN, EVER! You also must NEVER TELL A WOMAN WHAT TO DO, OR CONTROL HER IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, or you are an ABUSER!!!

Cultures are pretty much defined by what they consider taboo, and the culture we grow up in largely forms the way we see the world and treat others. But cultural messages can also be out of whack with who we are as human beings. I think to a large extent, men in the west have been emasculated by western culture, all in the name of doing something just, namely, giving women the respect and dignity they deserve as human beings. Nevertheless, as humans are wont to do, we've gone a bit too far in our drive to free women, and have somewhat imprisoned men, and made true masculinity taboo.

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something is awry between women and men nowadays. Women read all kinds of trashy romance literature and fantasize about being swept away by a man who dominates her completely – someone who not only is a great lay, but also protects her, provides for her, and leads her through life's hardships and joys; but these same women go out to work, or with friends and completely trash all of the men in their lives. Why is that? I'll tell you why: Genetics.

I don't think women would behave this way if the men in their lives gave them what hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has programmed them to want – an alpha male. From where I sit, most men (myself included until just recently), act like juvenile members of a pack; they hang out around the edges of life, get laid when and where they can and then move on. Our culture tells us that's what we (men) are, and how we should behave, so that's what we do. We don't step up, we don't take control of the pack, so to speak, and look out for our mates and our offspring; alpha males do this by nature. Men and women are animals, too; thus, it stands to reason that being an alpha male isn't just about 'getting some', (it is that), but it's that AND providing for and protecting those they lead. As long as men refuse to provide, protect AND lead, they will never satisfy that deepest of longings that mother nature has programmed right into the DNA of every woman on this planet.

So my friend, how do you stop feeling like a jerk, like you are controlling her, how do you get over it? Get over your weak-ass self, that's how. Stop acting like a juvenile, stop believing that what our culture tells you about yourself is true (it's not and deep down you know it) and act like a man, an alpha man. Love your women, protect her, provide for her in the ways you can; but most of all, lead her. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes a man. It won't happen overnight, it won't be easy but as long as you keep trying it will happen. But until that day...


How do you get past feeling like it's just a game?

Have you ever tried to get rid of a bad habit? It's not easy, is it? Well, becoming a true man will require you to break some bad habits. Leading your woman is going to feel unnatural to you, it's going to feel uncomfortable and it's going to feel fake. There is nothing to do for this but to keep providing, protecting and leading. I struggled with this same issue for quite a while, and it's pretty much subsided. If you decide to step up for your woman, you're going to have to stay strong and stay the course. It will stop feeling so unnatural. You'll grow into it over time. One other thing, do your best to focus on your woman, not yourself. The more you pay attention to her, the easier it will be to see when she needs you to be more or less of an alpha. You'll also learn more about her and who she really is, and that's just good no matter how you slice it.


Do you get overwhelmed? If so, how do you deal with that?

I'm a world-class introvert. I need space, I need quiet. Hell, I can't even sleep if someone or something is touching me. You're going to get overwhelmed. I'm not sure if this question is from a man or a woman, so I'll answer both. If you are a guy, step back, get some space. Tell your partner you need time to process and that you'll totally attend to them just as soon as you can clear your head and get a grip on things again. Just be honest and forthright about your needs and in most cases you'll get what you need to regroup. If you are a woman, focus on one thing you can accomplish, and do it. Don't let all of the things swirling in your head and heart overcome you. Prioritize, and be thankful for what you have, that helps, too. And if that doesn't work, and your man is around, walk up to him with your implement of choice and tell him straight up, “Smack my ass, I'm overwhelmed."



Does her neediness ever frustrate you?

Yes. But at the same time, I freely acknowledge that a lot of that frustration stems from my own selfishness. There are times I just don't want to deal with my wife's needs. But you know what, she needs me to deal with it. If I don't, she feels bad, I feel worse, and I have to deal with that. That neediness is probably a sign that you're not all the way alpha, or at least not doing what you should. When she's needy stop what you are doing immediately (put down the iPhone, XBox controller, shut of the TV), and pay attention to her. Most of JGirl's 'needy' moments come when I'm ignoring her for extended periods of time. I think you may be pleasantly surprised to find that her neediness will decrease in direct proportion to how much you increase the attention you give her on a regular basis.



How have you learned to give her what she needs?

I pay attention to JGirl. I look in her eyes a lot. I listen to what she says, really listen – not just to the words, but to how she says them. Most men are not naturally emotionally intelligent (don't know what that is, look it up on Wikipedia). This means they are not naturally inclined to read hidden signals woman are always giving them. Again, try to be less selfish with where you place your attention and you'll start to 'get it'. Also, don't be afraid to just admit that you have no idea how to read her signals. She'll tell you, believe me. JGirl has given me so much insight into her mind and heart just because I told her I had not clue what her signals where or meant.

Oh yeah, and  make sure you touch your woman a lot in non-sexual ways; she likely needs regular physical reminders of your presence and strength.




Practical Matters

How do you decide on a rule?

I assume this is a rule that JGirl gets a spanking for breaking? It's simple, for me I have only one set of rules and they are all related to the health and safety of JGirl and our kids. JGirl asks me from time to time to add rules related to personal goals she has (e.g., exercise, work, food, etc.). I take her suggestions into consideration based on what I perceive her likelihood of failing to achieve her goal, and either proscribe a rule or not. Basically, I get final say on what the rules are.



What do you think are spank-able offenses?

Doing stupid stuff that endangers one's life or that of others. For example, don't speed on the highway, don't text while driving, don't leave potholders or dishtowels on the top of the stove, always clean the lint filter on the dryer. Stuff like that, things that could end up with someone dead or seriously injured. As for other stuff, that's up to each couple to determine.



Do you think punishment should be delayed, or right away?

I like to do it right away if possible. JGirl loses it if she has to wait. I don't like to do that to her, though I will if something is very serious.



How do you decide which implement to use and how long to spank?

I don't really have a thought process. I just grab something and use it. How long is also based on the situation. I always observe JGirl very closely when I mete out a spanking. It's not so much about how long or how hard, but getting her to be sorry for what's she's done. That's all that matters to me because that 'sorry' state of mind and heart is what stops her from doing the same thing again.



How do you differentiate between sexy spankings, punishment, etc.?

Sexy spankings are 'sexy' and punishment spankings are not sexy.



How do you know how much aftercare she needs?

I just give her as much as she needs (time or circumstances permitting), until she is happy and smiling.



Do you ever give rewards?

No.



Do you use other punishments? Where do you get the ideas?

I've made her kneel on the floor a couple of times. It just seem right at the time. I'm pretty boring and don't really think I need other kinds of punishment for JGirl. I've seen a few websites that JGirl recommended and was kind of put off by some of the stuff I read and/or saw. That's just me, to each his or her own.



How do you deal with misbehavior in public?

JGirl never misbehaves in public; that's my specialty. If she ever did, I have a hand squeezing code I use that tells her she's in trouble. But I've never had to use it. I can usually tell when she's about to get stupid and a certain 'look' I have always gets her to not go there.




Gettin' 'Mad Skillz'

How did you get the look and tone that a sub craves?

In all humility, I'm just that good. Really, I am. OK, seriously, it took practice and talking to JGirl and getting her feedback, she helped me perfect it. Nevertheless, it's true – I am that good.



What are things you do to display your dominance?

Usually small things like telling JGirl to get me something in front of other people. Nothing that would scandalize professionally aggrieved grievance professionals. Maybe something like, “Hon, get me a glass of water.” in a respectful tone of voice. I might also have her kneel on the floor while I sit in a chair while we talk to other people. She loves this. There are other things, too; but I am a gentleman so you won't get any of them out of me.



Do you hold yourself to the same expectations you have for Jgirl?

As far as safety rules, yes I do. It would be hypocritical of me to do otherwise. Though, I'm not getting spanked if I break one. For other rules, no.



And one more: have you noticed any changes in yourself since stepping up as hoh?

Yes, some. I am a bit more comfortable in my role as a husband. I'm also way, way, way more in tune with JGirl and her needs and it's made for a much happier home life for both of us. However, I am finding that I am a lot angrier now than I ever have been in my life, but I'm 99% sure it stems two things. First, from the fact that I'm super introverted and I'm expending a lot more energy in JGirl's direction. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a good thing. Second, I've unleashed a lot of latent male energy by stepping up and leading my wife in the way I have, but I haven't fully learned to control it. I know I'll get there, but like the rest of this stuff, it takes time and patience.



Do you have advice for people just starting out?

Yeah, just take it a day at a time and don't expect miracles. Also, accept one another for who you really are, not who you want each other to be – I'm looking at the girls in particular on that one. Other than that, make sure you communicate regularly. For the men, really listen and pay attention. For the women, speak up – men are not mind readers; if you want something a certain way, then say it. If something is not working for you, say that as well and don't just be a doormat.



20 comments:

  1. So out of respect for my husband, I did not touch his answers in any way. I was tempted to (ha!), but I left them alone. I have a different take on some things, but that's okay. As Jason says, "Who's the Dom?" ;)

    I just wanted to say that I am in awe after reading these responses. I feel incredibly blessed to be loved so deeply. I am so thankful he is who he is.

    I hope some of my readers glean some wisdom from his experience. I know I sure have.

    To my husband -- I love you, babe. And I love you more and more each day.

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  2. These were great Jason. Ty for taking the time to answer these. You have some much insight and ideas that you could really help a lot of men that are just starting out. These answer make a good point and helped me I know see were a dom comes from and it is not always easy for them. This is some thing I really needed to see right now. Once again ty for your thoughts and time.
    JGirl you have a great man that's loves you and cares a lot do not drive him too crazy lol

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    1. I'll do my best, butterfly. ;) Thanks for helping by giving some questions!

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  3. this is bumblebee butterflys husband ty for all the advise and insite I only wish we could talk more lol but I understand I truly do I am at a loss I really enjoyed reading ur answers and I hope to hear from u n the future ty

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  4. Jason,
    Thanks for your point of view. There is very little written by the HOH and I always love reading the male perspective.
    Kim

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  5. Jason, thanks for taking the time to share your point of view. I honestly think a lot of frustration in many relationships stems from the refusal of the men to be alpha males.

    JasonsGirl, your blog should be required reading before getting a marriage license! :D

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  6. JGirl, I adore your husband. Does he have a brother? :)

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    1. That makes two of us, slavemala!

      He has several, but sadly, they're taken! :p

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  7. Wow, this has really given me some timely insight into my husband. Thank you both.

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  8. Thank you. I had the same reluctance to spank as your husband, could not become comfortable spanking a female. When I realized I was being selfish, I stepped up and now I am very comfortable providing females with what they crave.

    I compliment your husband for his perspective. His efforts are the result of his love for you.

    Terrific post.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks, Joey. I always enjoy hearing your perspective.

      Jason is not a dyed-in-the-wool spanko like me, so it's meant a lot to me that he's taken this on. I've known he loved me, but reading his responses gave me more insight into who he is and how he feels, and I loved that.

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  9. Jason, thank you for adding your perspective. It was important to me to read it.

    To be honest, as a spanking new DD wife, JGirl's posts have initially created a somewhat unfavorable view of you in my mind, even though it clearly was not what she intended. I drew a picture of someone with a very strong sense of entitlement, very hung up on obedience, someone who punishes very harshly for minor offenses. I thought this comes from your needs more than JGirl's needs and you were being selfish.

    Your post made me realize what I am sure seasoned DDers probably know all along: that you really care about JGirl and really know her very intimately, and are doing what you are doing only because this is precisely what she needs. And if her needs were different, you would have had enough emotional intelligence to sense it, and enough altruism to adapt. Kudos to you for that.

    I guess I just projected. My needs for submission, while fluctuating, are not nearly as deep. I don't need to kneel, for one. So I guess I could not imagine a woman needing to do that. JGirl, if I may ask, where does this need comes from? Most little girls don't kneel, so it's not just the need to feel little, right?

    A question for both of you if you feel so inclined. Does either one of you sometimes get tired of being in your respective roles and just want a pier, a friend, and equal? If so, how do you fulfill that need?

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    1. Well, when you take a snippet into someone's life, it's hard to see what they are like and what their motives are and I'm not sure how many of my posts you've seen. Glad you saw that my husband really is a good guy. :) He's so very good to me.

      Regarding kneeling, I love kneeling between Jason's knees and looking up at him. Where does the desire come from? I'm not really sure. I wouldn't say I'm more submissive than the next person, but I also know quite a few submissives who do enjoy kneeling, so I'm certainly not alone. I mostly don't align myself with being "little," so no, I don't think it comes from that place at all. Mostly, it makes me feel submissive. I get that your needs are different.

      As far as your question, though Jason and I are always in our roles as submissive and dominant in all our interactions, that doesn't negate being peers or friends, and we are already equals in some ways. We don't have equal authority (and no, neither of us desires to), but we are equals in worth. We cuddle, and go on dates, and crack jokes, and tease each other, watch movies together, and go to parties, and have loads of fun. We talk about deep things, and share our interests. All of these things are shared as companions. Do we ever want to step out of roles as submissive and dominant? Well, maybe when it gets hard, but not really. I can't ever imagine going back, and Jason has said the same. I don't always like being submissive to Jason, but no, I don't desire to step out of my role. We have so many ways we relate to each other, and his dominance and my submission are ever-present. They don't take away from our other ways of relating, but enhance them.

      This is an interesting question. I might expand a bit in a blog post.

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    2. Hi JGirl,

      Thank you for your response.

      I hope I did not offend you! I guess opening your relationship to the world can invite unwanted scrutiny. Your post reads like the fascinating novel you had once referred to (yes, I've found it online and started reading it, though I definitely deserve a spanking for reading it at night!), so it's easy to forget that these are real people living a real life. If I was or am too forward, my apologies.

      Yes, Jason does come across as a totally awesome guy with his posts.

      I guess one thing I have seen you give only a cursory attention to in your posts I've seen (I am still going through them, maybe read 50% so far) is the role you played in instructing and training him to be the proper Dom for you. You mention it here and there, but now that I have a better picture, it appears to me that - what else is new! - we women control and shape our men to mold them for fulfilling our wildest desires and dreams even when we submit to them; especially when we submit to them.

      It now appears to me (please correct me if I am wrong) that you taught him, directly or indirectly, to spank you, how to spank you, how strong to spank you, etc. etc., down to every little detail, encouraging wanted behaviors, discouraging unwanted ones, etc. Every so respectfully of course, because otherwise he'd spank you precisely the way you taught him. Am I completely wrong?

      Which makes me wonder, what part of this dynamics is a game? Then again, what is our life? A game!

      I empathized with Jason when I sensed that this is not easy on him, even though he definitely seems to be getting a kick out of it, in some very primal ways. On some very deep level, he is bending himself backwards to serve you, is not he?

      Again, sorry if I am too forward. I have a very confused and bent out of shape new HoH on my hands, and I wonder if I am fair to him, and how to be fair to him. Do I have the right to ask for this? Or maybe I am asking for more than he can give? Just sharing where I am coming from and why I am contemplating those things. (Nothing original I am sure).

      As to the peer question - I am curious if you could pass it on to Jason and see what he says. From his posts, there was a couple of times when he appeared a bit.. I would not want to say lonely, because you guys seem to have this sizzling hot relationship, I get that, but I am sensing some tiredness or longing. How is this on him? I understand the dynamics works great for both of you over the long run, but are there exceptions, where he comes home after a hard day, or has heard some bad news (say, someone is ill), and wants to cry in your arms and for you to act motherly, but instead has to be this strong macho man for his little girl?

      If this is too personal coming from a stranger, feel free not to post. I am just thinking out loud.

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    3. No, I'm not offended, and I try hard to be slow to offend. Yes, putting my relationship out there does invite scrutiny, and at times it stings a bit, but it's been my choice to post what I do. :) Your questions are welcome, and I'm happy to give you my perspective, but my blogging time is up and I'll need to respond when I can give you a thorough answer. Just wanted to assure you that your questions are fine. :)

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    4. Responding to these questions will have to be in two posts:

      "I guess one thing I have seen you give only a cursory attention to in your posts I've seen (I am still going through them, maybe read 50% so far) is the role you played in instructing and training him to be the proper Dom for you. You mention it here and there, but now that I have a better picture, it appears to me that - what else is new! - we women control and shape our men to mold them for fulfilling our wildest desires and dreams even when we submit to them; especially when we submit to them.

      It now appears to me (please correct me if I am wrong) that you taught him, directly or indirectly, to spank you, how to spank you, how strong to spank you, etc. etc., down to every little detail, encouraging wanted behaviors, discouraging unwanted ones, etc. Every so respectfully of course, because otherwise he'd spank you precisely the way you taught him. Am I completely wrong?"

      Ok, to answer this question the answer is both yes and no. You aren’t completely wrong, but this isn’t exactly what happened either. The essence of a working D/s dynamic is both partners having their needs met through mutual self giving. So yes, it is essential for any submissive to communicate those needs clearly, and yes, I did that. I definitely did not control or shape him though, no. Jason is his own person, a naturally dominant man, and I have no control over him (nor do I desire to). He does things the way he wants, whether I like it or not. However, as my dominant, he is focused on meeting my needs, so it’s important that I communicate those needs to him. So yes, I did express my needs, my likes, and my dislikes, and when he thought it was in my best interest or the best interest of our relationship to meet those needs, then he gave me what I wanted or needed. When he didn’t, he didn’t. There was no manipulation, control, or “shaping” him on my part...but rather, open communication regarding what I wanted, what I craved, what I liked, what I didn’t like, etc.




      QUOTE: “Which makes me wonder, what part of this dynamics is a game? Then again, what is our life? A game!”


      Not sure what you mean by this but it isn’t a game for us. :) It is something we do, yes...but this is very real. I’m sure it is merely role play for some people, but it isn’t here anyway.


      “I empathized with Jason when I sensed that this is not easy on him, even though he definitely seems to be getting a kick out of it, in some very primal ways. On some very deep level, he is bending himself backwards to serve you, is not he?”
      He wrote this post several years ago, so yes, at first it was very difficult on him, and I did question whether or not it was fair to ask him to take control to the level I did. However, as he did, he decided it “was the most loving thing to do” (his words), and he gleaned so much himself. .Yes, he serves him. He dotes on me. My needs are at the very top of his priority list (and I am thankful). However, I meet his needs, too, very much so. I build him up, obey him, serve him. He doesn’t have a power struggle when he comes home, but an attentive wife who seeks to make his days pleasant. I’m not tooting my own horn here but rather explaining that there is no imbalance of meeting needs here, but rather, both of us meeting one another’s needs and asking the other, “What can I do best to meet his/her needs?”

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    5. QUOTE: “Again, sorry if I am too forward. I have a very confused and bent out of shape new HoH on my hands, and I wonder if I am fair to him, and how to be fair to him. Do I have the right to ask for this? Or maybe I am asking for more than he can give? Just sharing where I am coming from and why I am contemplating those things. (Nothing original I am sure).”

      Submission is only a gift inasmuch as it is desired, in my opinion. If an HOH doesn’t desire submission, then it is not a gift, but a burden. The way to grow to the place of meeting each other’s needs is by continually focusing on self-giving. I urge you to take a look at the Submission series I have linked at the top of my page, in which I explore in details ways I suggest learning how to submit and the theory “submission brings about dominance.” Foisting this lifestyle on an unwilling dominant is often not well received. We submissives frequently have to wait for them to catch up, and in the meantime, learn our own roles as submissives.



      “As to the peer question - I am curious if you could pass it on to Jason and see what he says.”

      I did, and Jason said that no, he doesn’t want to be my peer if that means sharing authority. He says he prefers being the one in authority, because when he is, he can best meet the needs of our family. He says he has no desire to change any of that.

      “From his posts, there was a couple of times when he appeared a bit.. I would not want to say lonely, because you guys seem to have this sizzling hot relationship, I get that, but I am sensing some tiredness or longing. How is this on him? I understand the dynamics works great for both of you over the long run, but are there exceptions, where he comes home after a hard day, or has heard some bad news (say, someone is ill), and wants to cry in your arms and for you to act motherly, but instead has to be this strong macho man for his little girl?”

      I wouldn’t say he’s lonely, but I do think his earlier posts (keeping in mind they’re several years old) show that this was not easy for him to embrace. It wasn’t for either of us. We struggled, a lot, and had to learn a lot. As far as him coming home from a hard day, etc., sure, he has hard days, and he isnt’ always up to meeting my needs. That’s very rare these days, and it happened more when we were just starting out. He doesn’t find it draining like he used to. Sometimes he does need a metaphorical shoulder to cry on, and there’s nothing about his being dominant that precludes that. Just because he’s the one in charge doesn’t mean he can’t come to me when he needs me. I can’t imagine him ever wanting me to be motherly with him, honestly. It would seem a little weird for us since I’m the little in our relationship. I take good care of him, and serve him regularly, and I think that might feed the part of him that needs to be nurtured.

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  10. Err, I meant peer, not pier. LOL. (Was kissing with my HoH on a pier on sunset today, how's that for bragging! My sense of balance is much better than his, so we have this game where I stand right on the edge of the pier, about to fall down into the frozen lake, and he is to kiss me. Freaks him out! Not very submissive, huh? So yes, I guess sometimes I need a pier, too! As well as a peer! Sorry, I am just blabbering now).

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