To My Readers: I put together a list of questions I've been asked, directed to my husband, and asked if he'd answer them. He did. Here are his responses.
Everything you ever wanted to ask Jason and were not afraid to ask him...
Yes, I'm real, JGirl didn't make me up.
Why did you initiate DD?
I didn't initiate Domestic Discipline. It grew out of/into our marriage naturally.
How did you first feel about this way of life?
Honestly, I don't really think about our marriage and how we relate to each other as 'a way of life'; TTWD is just a small piece of what makes us 'us'; it really doesn't define us and I am not comfortable defining our marriage in such terms. I understand from JGirl that many in this community find it helpful to categorize their relationship behaviors in this way; I do not. Maybe that's the Gen-Xer in me.
There were a lot of questions related to “Alpha Male" issues. I felt that my responses would be more coherent if they were seen together. I can relate in some respects to each of the issues behind these questions, and dealing with each of them required from me a certain level of selflessness that I wasn't entirely comfortable with at the time. I think the key to overcoming many of the issues that spawn these kinds of questions is to become more aware and more responsive to your partner, and less selfish. Ultimately, as a leader you must do what's best for those who follow you, even if that means you suffer as a result. That probably seems kind of counter-intuitive, given the subject matter at hand, but stick with me and hopefully you'll begin to appreciate the point I am trying to make.
How did you overcome the fear of hurting her?
I just spanked JGirl. That was pretty much it. She approached me with her desire for this. I expressed my reticence in doing it. She said she could take it, and really craved it. Her initial request was related to sex, so I pretty much just went along to see where things would go. She REALLY liked it, and it unleashed a side of her that I was unsure existed, even after 10 years of marriage – a really good side of her, if you catch my meaning. After a couple of months of spanking during our times of intimacy, JGirl asked me to try punishment spanking, too. Which led to...
"I don't want to feel like a jerk. I don't want to control her. How do you get over this?"
Like many guys my age, I was steeped in a home suffused with the mores of the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement of the 70's, and early 80's. Every message I heard about women told me that they were just as good as men, could do anything men could do and even better, and you MUST NEVER HIT A WOMAN, EVER! You also must NEVER TELL A WOMAN WHAT TO DO, OR CONTROL HER IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, or you are an ABUSER!!!
Cultures are pretty much defined by what they consider taboo, and the culture we grow up in largely forms the way we see the world and treat others. But cultural messages can also be out of whack with who we are as human beings. I think to a large extent, men in the west have been emasculated by western culture, all in the name of doing something just, namely, giving women the respect and dignity they deserve as human beings. Nevertheless, as humans are wont to do, we've gone a bit too far in our drive to free women, and have somewhat imprisoned men, and made true masculinity taboo.
Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something is awry between women and men nowadays. Women read all kinds of trashy romance literature and fantasize about being swept away by a man who dominates her completely – someone who not only is a great lay, but also protects her, provides for her, and leads her through life's hardships and joys; but these same women go out to work, or with friends and completely trash all of the men in their lives. Why is that? I'll tell you why: Genetics.
I don't think women would behave this way if the men in their lives gave them what hundreds of thousands of years of evolution has programmed them to want – an alpha male. From where I sit, most men (myself included until just recently), act like juvenile members of a pack; they hang out around the edges of life, get laid when and where they can and then move on. Our culture tells us that's what we (men) are, and how we should behave, so that's what we do. We don't step up, we don't take control of the pack, so to speak, and look out for our mates and our offspring; alpha males do this by nature. Men and women are animals, too; thus, it stands to reason that being an alpha male isn't just about 'getting some', (it is that), but it's that AND providing for and protecting those they lead. As long as men refuse to provide, protect AND lead, they will never satisfy that deepest of longings that mother nature has programmed right into the DNA of every woman on this planet.
So my friend, how do you stop feeling like a jerk, like you are controlling her, how do you get over it? Get over your weak-ass self, that's how. Stop acting like a juvenile, stop believing that what our culture tells you about yourself is true (it's not and deep down you know it) and act like a man, an alpha man. Love your women, protect her, provide for her in the ways you can; but most of all, lead her. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes a man. It won't happen overnight, it won't be easy but as long as you keep trying it will happen. But until that day...
How do you get past feeling like it's just a game?
Have you ever tried to get rid of a bad habit? It's not easy, is it? Well, becoming a true man will require you to break some bad habits. Leading your woman is going to feel unnatural to you, it's going to feel uncomfortable and it's going to feel fake. There is nothing to do for this but to keep providing, protecting and leading. I struggled with this same issue for quite a while, and it's pretty much subsided. If you decide to step up for your woman, you're going to have to stay strong and stay the course. It will stop feeling so unnatural. You'll grow into it over time. One other thing, do your best to focus on your woman, not yourself. The more you pay attention to her, the easier it will be to see when she needs you to be more or less of an alpha. You'll also learn more about her and who she really is, and that's just good no matter how you slice it.
Do you get overwhelmed? If so, how do you deal with that?
I'm a world-class introvert. I need space, I need quiet. Hell, I can't even sleep if someone or something is touching me. You're going to get overwhelmed. I'm not sure if this question is from a man or a woman, so I'll answer both. If you are a guy, step back, get some space. Tell your partner you need time to process and that you'll totally attend to them just as soon as you can clear your head and get a grip on things again. Just be honest and forthright about your needs and in most cases you'll get what you need to regroup. If you are a woman, focus on one thing you can accomplish, and do it. Don't let all of the things swirling in your head and heart overcome you. Prioritize, and be thankful for what you have, that helps, too. And if that doesn't work, and your man is around, walk up to him with your implement of choice and tell him straight up, “Smack my ass, I'm overwhelmed."
Does her neediness ever frustrate you?
Yes. But at the same time, I freely acknowledge that a lot of that frustration stems from my own selfishness. There are times I just don't want to deal with my wife's needs. But you know what, she needs me to deal with it. If I don't, she feels bad, I feel worse, and I have to deal with that. That neediness is probably a sign that you're not all the way alpha, or at least not doing what you should. When she's needy stop what you are doing immediately (put down the iPhone, XBox controller, shut of the TV), and pay attention to her. Most of JGirl's 'needy' moments come when I'm ignoring her for extended periods of time. I think you may be pleasantly surprised to find that her neediness will decrease in direct proportion to how much you increase the attention you give her on a regular basis.
How have you learned to give her what she needs?
I pay attention to JGirl. I look in her eyes a lot. I listen to what she says, really listen – not just to the words, but to how she says them. Most men are not naturally emotionally intelligent (don't know what that is, look it up on Wikipedia). This means they are not naturally inclined to read hidden signals woman are always giving them. Again, try to be less selfish with where you place your attention and you'll start to 'get it'. Also, don't be afraid to just admit that you have no idea how to read her signals. She'll tell you, believe me. JGirl has given me so much insight into her mind and heart just because I told her I had not clue what her signals where or meant.
Oh yeah, and make sure you touch your woman a lot in non-sexual ways; she likely needs regular physical reminders of your presence and strength.
How do you decide on a rule?
I assume this is a rule that JGirl gets a spanking for breaking? It's simple, for me I have only one set of rules and they are all related to the health and safety of JGirl and our kids. JGirl asks me from time to time to add rules related to personal goals she has (e.g., exercise, work, food, etc.). I take her suggestions into consideration based on what I perceive her likelihood of failing to achieve her goal, and either proscribe a rule or not. Basically, I get final say on what the rules are.
What do you think are spank-able offenses?
Doing stupid stuff that endangers one's life or that of others. For example, don't speed on the highway, don't text while driving, don't leave potholders or dishtowels on the top of the stove, always clean the lint filter on the dryer. Stuff like that, things that could end up with someone dead or seriously injured. As for other stuff, that's up to each couple to determine.
Do you think punishment should be delayed, or right away?
I like to do it right away if possible. JGirl loses it if she has to wait. I don't like to do that to her, though I will if something is very serious.
How do you decide which implement to use and how long to spank?
I don't really have a thought process. I just grab something and use it. How long is also based on the situation. I always observe JGirl very closely when I mete out a spanking. It's not so much about how long or how hard, but getting her to be sorry for what's she's done. That's all that matters to me because that 'sorry' state of mind and heart is what stops her from doing the same thing again.
How do you differentiate between sexy spankings, punishment, etc.?
Sexy spankings are 'sexy' and punishment spankings are not sexy.
How do you know how much aftercare she needs?
I just give her as much as she needs (time or circumstances permitting), until she is happy and smiling.
Do you ever give rewards?
Do you use other punishments? Where do you get the ideas?
I've made her kneel on the floor a couple of times. It just seem right at the time. I'm pretty boring and don't really think I need other kinds of punishment for JGirl. I've seen a few websites that JGirl recommended and was kind of put off by some of the stuff I read and/or saw. That's just me, to each his or her own.
How do you deal with misbehavior in public?
JGirl never misbehaves in public; that's my specialty. If she ever did, I have a hand squeezing code I use that tells her she's in trouble. But I've never had to use it. I can usually tell when she's about to get stupid and a certain 'look' I have always gets her to not go there.
Gettin' 'Mad Skillz'
How did you get the look and tone that a sub craves?
In all humility, I'm just that good. Really, I am. OK, seriously, it took practice and talking to JGirl and getting her feedback, she helped me perfect it. Nevertheless, it's true – I am that good.
What are things you do to display your dominance?
Usually small things like telling JGirl to get me something in front of other people. Nothing that would scandalize professionally aggrieved grievance professionals. Maybe something like, “Hon, get me a glass of water.” in a respectful tone of voice. I might also have her kneel on the floor while I sit in a chair while we talk to other people. She loves this. There are other things, too; but I am a gentleman so you won't get any of them out of me.
Do you hold yourself to the same expectations you have for Jgirl?
As far as safety rules, yes I do. It would be hypocritical of me to do otherwise. Though, I'm not getting spanked if I break one. For other rules, no.
And one more: have you noticed any changes in yourself since stepping up as hoh?
Yes, some. I am a bit more comfortable in my role as a husband. I'm also way, way, way more in tune with JGirl and her needs and it's made for a much happier home life for both of us. However, I am finding that I am a lot angrier now than I ever have been in my life, but I'm 99% sure it stems two things. First, from the fact that I'm super introverted and I'm expending a lot more energy in JGirl's direction. This is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a good thing. Second, I've unleashed a lot of latent male energy by stepping up and leading my wife in the way I have, but I haven't fully learned to control it. I know I'll get there, but like the rest of this stuff, it takes time and patience.
Do you have advice for people just starting out?
Yeah, just take it a day at a time and don't expect miracles. Also, accept one another for who you really are, not who you want each other to be – I'm looking at the girls in particular on that one. Other than that, make sure you communicate regularly. For the men, really listen and pay attention. For the women, speak up – men are not mind readers; if you want something a certain way, then say it. If something is not working for you, say that as well and don't just be a doormat.