Monday, September 23, 2013

Coming to Grips with my Need to Be Spanked

I wrestled a bit with the title of this post. 

Is my desire to be spanked merely a desire? Or is it a true need? 

I know there have been times when I haven't been able to be spanked as much as I'd like, and I know where that puts me...really not in a very good place. I'm not "myself" again until I get a good spanking. 

Recently, I asked Jason if I decided I no longer wanted DD as part of our relationship, what would he say? What would he do? He wasn't the one that initiated DD (though his giving me a "real" spanking was a major catalyst for my desiring DD.) He told me that if I really didn't want DD anymore, he'd be okay with it. He said, "But I think you really need this." 

He's right. I do. 

I love to be spanked. I like sexy spankings...okay, I love sexy spankings. But although they are erotic, and enjoyable, they don't satisfy that itch I have the way a more serious spanking does. Simply put, a more serious spanking that says "I'm in charge" satisfies a deep emotional need of mine I think I still can't fully even grasp. 

I know at the heart of it is my own natural, innate desire to be loved and loved deeply. 

My most recent serious punishment spanking was very difficult to endure. He took me over his lap and spanked me soundly for doing something dangerous. I could see even in the moment how difficult it was for him to do it. But we both know that a disciplinary spanking truly does work to help me change my behavior. And did he ever want me to change my behavior. Knowing that he would take me across his knee and give me a serious, thorough spanking, for no other reason than to teach me a lesson, honestly makes me feel loved. 

If he didn't love me, he wouldn't spank me. If he didn't love me, he'd take the easier way out and not put us both through the ordeal of a harsh spanking. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't care.

But he does love me. So when I need it -- when I've done something thoughtless, or heedless, or I've let my mouth get away from me and damaged our relationship by treating him with disrespect -- he will spank me. The act of being spanked helps me forgive myself for what I've done. And I need that. I let go of my own guilt, my own anger, my own tension I've built up for having done something wrong. But after he's done, he brings me back into him. He consoles me, and soothes me, and lets me know all is forgiven. 

The entire process is highly emotional, deeply cathartic, and intensely satisfying, even if it is incredibly difficult to endure in the moment. 

I try not to get in trouble, and yet I still need to be spanked. I need this often, and Jason knows this. He tries his hardest to give me as many spankings as I need, but sometimes we just don't have the time or privacy we need and I have to go without. I've seen that whenever I have to go without, I start getting unsettled. I have a weight that begins to descend on me. My thoughts begin to be clouded, and I have to focus hard on the task at hand to keep myself doing what needs to be done. I hit the gym, or go for a run, and that does help. But I know now that I really need a spanking.



And yet, I still struggle with my need to be spanked. 

Why am I like this? Why can't I go back to how I used to be? It wasn't that long ago that I didn't have such a strong desire to be spanked. I'd suppressed the urge, because I didn't even know it was normal. And when I finally came to grips with my desire to be spanked, I told my husband. For some reason, I don't remember the conversation, but I do vividly remember that first spanking. He took me over his lap, bared me, and spanked me thoroughly with his hand. It was an intensely erotic experience. We made love afterwards, and it was unlike anything else we'd ever experienced. After I climaxed, I wept. It wasn't sad. He'd touched something deep within me that I didn't even really know was there. 

The reality is, something has been awakened in me. This is who I am. 

A week or two ago, I needed a spanking. Before he spanked me, I told him I was frustrated. My hands were balled up in frustration, and I was fighting the urge to cry.

"I don't know why I'm like this. It makes me mad that I'm like this. I don't want to be dependent on this. I worry that there's something wrong with me, that I shouldn't need this." 

Without saying much of anything, he took me across his knee and spanked me soundly. And when he was done, he made me kneel in front of him, between his knees, my arms resting on his legs. I was more relaxed, more at ease. He put both hands on either side of my face and made me look into his eyes. 

"There is nothing wrong with you. This is who you are. You are not weird, or crazy, or anything like that. You need this, and that's okay." 

I needed to hear that badly.

I'm getting better. I mostly have confidence in my need to be spanked. I waffle, at times, but there really is no denying the fact that I am just better off being taken in hand. I still work hard at being responsible. I still do other things to relieve my stress and keep me sane. But when I need a spanking, I need a spanking, and I don't need to feel badly about that. 

This past weekend, we had more privacy and time alone than we do during the week. I got my fill of spankings, and it was wonderful

Saturday, I needed a spanking, and Jason knew it. I didn't think we'd have time, so imagine my surprise when he called me upstairs (and I was still thinking I wasn't getting a spanking until later) and he pulled me right across his lap. A long, hard spanking led to something else, and boy did I feel good. But he knows I love a good spanking with the paddle, and the paddle is loud, so he promised me I'd get paddled later that night. 

Sure enough, before bed I found myself over his lap again, soundly paddled and thoroughly satisfied. He kissed me, tucked me in, and I was blissfully content. 

Sunday morning, we had another opportunity to be alone, so it was time for another round with the paddle. Over his knee I went, and he spanked me long and hard, but slowly. He talked to me about what I needed to do, and as he spanked me I couldn't help but make little "ow" noises. 

"I can hear the brat being spanked right out of you," he joked. Ha, ha. 

Sunday night I ended up doing something I wasn't supposed to, and got an impromptu hand spanking. It wasn't a harsh spanking, but I felt terrible. He assured me I was forgiven, and I eventually moved on. 

I went to bed last night happy, and at peace, with my spank tank completely topped off. 


After a weekend like this, there is no denying that I need this. I crave it. And when my needs are met, the sense of relief and satisfaction are undeniable. 

If you're reading this blog, chances are, you're like me. You like to be spanked. And if you, like me, struggle with this desire, I want to tell you the same thing my husband told me. 

There is nothing wrong with you. 

This is who you are. 

You are not weird, or crazy, or anything like that. 

You need this, and that's okay.


28 comments:

  1. The first half of this post had me nodding my head. The last half had me in tears. I'm so happy you have such a relationship, such love from your husband. And Thank you for sharing this story and reminding the rest of us that we aren't weird, or crazy for wanting to know our man is in charge. For this making us feel loved, deeply loved. That it's okay that we need this. No matter how many times my husband has told me those very things, It's still hard to not have that internal conflict.

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    1. Thank you, CZ! I am so thankful I have this relationship. I'm glad you can relate as well. I agree -- the internal conflict is there and may not ever completely go away, but knowing we are not alone can help those feelings fade with time.

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  2. As always another great post and yes I understand your itch that has to get scratched it is almost like a drug you have to have it. I am the same way.

    Bob

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    1. It is like that, bob, yes...I can move on about my day, but the longing is always there.

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  3. Thanks for sharing and the reassurance. I think I'm at a point where I just don't want to psychoanalyze it anymore, because trying to figure out why I need it is going to drive me crazy. I really don't know why I do! But I do struggle with feeling like I might be a bit crazy because of this. Thank you for setting the record straight. I'll try to carry this reminder with me!

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    1. I go back and forth. Sometimes I just own it, and then sometimes I question again. One step at a time...

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  4. What a great post, I felt better after reading it. Jack and I are away on vacation and spankings must wait until we are home. He is craving paddling my bottom as much as I want him to do it. I am a spanked wife and I love it.
    Meredith

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed the post, Meredith! I can relate. I went away on a business trip a few months back and was pleasantly surprised when I got a message from my husband about how all he could think about was putting me over his lap. We didn't come here overnight, and it was so nice to hear he craved giving it to me as much as I craved receiving it!

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  5. I've been reading these blogs for a few years now and dearly wish I could have this with my husband. It just doesn't seem to be something that is going to happen in my life. We are so distant now, like roommates rather than intimate partners. Life is..well life. Ups and downs with stress thrown into the mix. We are a blended family which brings it's own set of issues. I long for this so much.

    Thank you for sharing..you and the many others who share their lives.

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    1. I struggle sometimes posting about my own relationship, because I know there are those that want it and don't yet have it. I don't want to cause any pain to others. I've been told posting gives hope and reassurance, so my hope is that is the case with you. Keep trying. A few years ago, i never ever would've believed with was possible with us.

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  6. JG,
    Wonderful u really speak for so many of us in your post. I am trying to not even think "Am I crazy", "Have I completely lost my mind" I just try to put those thoughts out of my head and go with it. There is no going back for me, sometimes it scares me that I have these wants, needs, or desires. No one would ever believe it.
    honey

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    1. Thank you, honey. I agree. There is no going back. It is what it is, and the more we accept who are are, the better off we are!

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  7. Most spankos have similar feelings. This is crazy. How is this normal? We cannot tell our best vanilla friends about our kink. I still sometimes ask myself these questions.

    I am over the guilty feelings and doubting. Honestly, I do not care if society thinks it is abnormal. I need to be spanked. I enjoy it. Most of my friends feel the same way.

    Than you for sharing. Consider yourself very lucky to have a loving husband who spanks you. Many men will not spank their wives and are not interested in DD. So, lucky you.

    Hug,
    joey



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    1. That is the difficulty, Joey...we have friends who are so close, and we share everything with them...except this. I am fortunate I have two very close friends I can share with. But others I would never tell!

      I am glad you are comfortable in your own skin! I am still pretty new to this, and I'm hoping over time I get more comfortable.

      I am sooooo thankful Jason gives me what I need. I thank him all the time and never take it for granted! You've really helped me with that. I struggled so much with the "is this normal" question, but you've helped me see I am a lucky girl and I need to just go with it.

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  8. Thank you for this post, I have never commented before, I find I am always hestitant at first when I begin to read a new (to me) blog. I like to go back to the beginning and read everything before I "de lurk" I have been up to date for awhile but this post really hit home for me & made me have to leave my comfortable lurking space to let you know how much I appreciate you sharing yourself through writing of your experiences. I have been feeling this way for a long time but have not been able to convey it to my husband, we have been doing DD/TTWD for a little over a year & we have been revising & adjusting for most of that time. I send him posts from time to time to help start a conversation that I feel nervous to begin on my own & this post is one of the ones I sent. I am just waiting to have time alone with him so that i can get his thoughts after reading, so thanks again for helping me to take a step toward explaining my needs better.
    SHM ; )

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    1. Hello, Singing Heart Mama. Thanks for stopping by! I'm glad to see you come out of lurking, and I'm so happy this post helped you put your own thoughts together. Best of luck!

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  9. Wow! I think you just described how most of us think and feel at times. I go back and forth with these worries and questions. I really struggle still, at times, thinking that I am addicted to spanking and will always be dependent on. You did such a great job at writing this post and thank you for sharing,
    Kim

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    1. Thanks, Kim. Just last week I was worried about being addicted...and for several days had to go without. I survived! lol I was a lot better once I got spanked, though. So I think I just need to roll with it!

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  10. JG, thank you for posting this. I've struggled hard with realizing that now that I've let this part of me wake up completely, I don't think it can just be put back to rest. It's kinda scary if I'm honest. I find myself wishing I could just turn it on and off. Your post left a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head...

    Bekah

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    1. I completely understand, Bekah. It's not an easy need to reconcile!

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  11. Thank you! I needed to read this. You make me understand that I'm okay, that it's okay. Liz

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  12. Can I just ask you?

    "Is your desire to make love merely a desire? Or is it a true need?"

    On the other hand, does it really matter anyway? If you are both finding love, connection and fulfilment through the medium of loving sex, it's improving your relationship and it's not hurting you or anyone else, why *should* it matter?

    If wanting versus needing sex doesn't matter because it's all good on some level, why should it matter any more that you want to be spanked through desire, need, or a bit of both?

    The one and only difference is that (possibly) some people out there who think they know everything but actually know nothing, have made you question who you are. And let's face it - it's not as if we have any idea what *they* do behind closed doors that other people might find objectionable.

    Rosalind

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    1. That is an excellent point, Ros. You really made me think.

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  13. It's incredible how much I can relate to this. Sometimes I will be in a meeting at work or driving in my car and DD or spanking will pop in my head and I think to myself 'Gosh, this is crazy; why would I want this. This isn't normal. We shouldn't do this.'. But then I try to picture my life without it and I just can't. I'm sure my DH is in the same place now. It took us a long time to get here so we aren't going back now.

    I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has those thoughts.

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    1. You're definitely not the only one. I'm glad you can relate. It's not an easy thing to reconcile sometimes.

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  14. I loved it when he told you that this is what you needed and that that was okay. Oh, your heart must have melted at those words! :) And having the brat spanked out of you... that's a new way to look at it. That's going to become a catch phrase, just wait and see. ;)

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    1. I did melt when he said that. It was the sweetest thing, so reassuring!

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