Last weekend was really, really amazing. We just seemed to really have a wonderful time together. It was one of those times when Jason was exercising his ability to read my mind with near perfection ...he gave me what I need when I needed it and was sweet and attentive. I felt like I'd grown more, and matured into my role as his Tih. He spent so much time writing HIS POST and I was so grateful he did that for me. It made me see a level of depth to my husband that I was so grateful for. He's such a good man, and loves me so deeply.
At one point I was overwhelmed and grumpy, and he came up behind me, wrapped his arm around my chest from behind in that one-arm hug I love so much, and whispered into my ear, "Poor girl. You really need me right now. Hang in there, honey. I've got you." And I just melted.
I was texting with my good friend Riley and told her how good I felt. And I remember texting something like, "I'm gonna ride this for a while because I know from experience things aren't always this good and we'll hit a bump soon."
Because in life, there are highs and lows. And as it is sometimes said (and Riley reminded me!) , in this type of relationship, the highs are high and the lows are low.
You let your guard down. There's no wall up between the two of you. The depth of love and passion that can be stirred up as a result of a Tih relationship is amazing. Frankly, it's the draw of dd or ds from the very beginning. So when things are good, they are amazing. And when things are bad, they're awful.
So, we hit a low this weekend.
I like to focus on the positive. It's just kind of my nature. I'm usually pretty optimistic. And honestly, most of the time, things are pretty damn good here. But dear readers, this is real life. This isn't a fantasy world. And I would be doing you a disservice if I pretended otherwise.
It all started Friday night. I had an expectation that Jason would be coming up at a certain time. I'd hoped to have some time with him, and had to get up early the next morning. Well, he lost track of time. I was upstairs reading, and started getting angrier, and angrier, and angrier. I took a deep breath, told myself to stay calm so I wouldn't get in trouble, and went downstairs. But I couldn't hide my obvious anger. I said a few curt words, and marched back upstairs. I heard him coming up, and I was so exhausted, in that short time frame, I fell asleep. And woke up to him spanking me!
I flipped around, and yelled, "I'm sooooo pissed off at you right now, don't you dare spank me!" (I know, I know, bad.) He just calmly told me to roll over and I said no, and he said something like, "Do you mean you are going to defy me?" Well, blatant defiance isn't such a hot idea. It doesn't go over so well here. So I figured I had no choice, and I rolled over to take my spanking. He spanked me a few times and said, "So are you going to speak respectfully to me?" and I was so mad I couldn't respond. I heard the implement drawer open and he got out the paddle. He said, "So that's how it is," and after a few swats, I finally said I was sorry just because I didn't want to be paddled.
He stopped spanking me, and came to bed and held me. After we talked a while, my anger left me, because I felt two things. First, he spanked me because I'd been rude and he wanted me to control my temper for my own good. Second, he's really serious about us not getting into arguments and I love that. So I was happy and at peace, and thankful he's such a good Hoh.
Saturday afternoon another argument. Another fight. We resolved it and things were pretty good. Saturday night, another argument. More expectations not met. I calmed myself down and we both went to sleep, though not really in a good place. Sunday morning, I wrote him a letter because I didn't want to lose my temper and get in trouble, and it helped me process everything.
Basically what I said in my letter, and what I really feel, is that I trust him. That even though things aren't always perfect, I knew ultimately he was going to make the right decisions, and I was going to follow him. I felt good about it. Took the kids out for the afternoon so he could sleep in and relax, and came home around lunchtime. I was still a bit hurt...and wanted that re-connection. And I felt when I came in he kind of just shrugged me off.
I was still feeling hurt, so he put his book down and said, "Come here." I did. I sat next to him and talked to him and told him I was feeling really unsettled and uncertain (Read: I need my Dom.) He kind of shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sorry, can't really do that for you now. I'm just not in the place mentally and I don't want to pretend to do that for you. I want it to be real."
Um. Say what?
I got up from his arms and sat down in front of him, to try to figure out what was going on. The conversation went something like this.
"Honey, I'm not asking for perfection here. I just need to know you're in charge. I am really having a hard time and just need some certainty, you know?'
Him, shrugging his shoulders, "Yeah, but I can't just flip a switch and be perfect. I'm just not in the mood. I need some space. I can't be that for you right now. Just can't. Sorry."
Remember how last weekend he whispered, "I've got you" in my ear? When he says that, all is right with the world for me. I feel so incredibly loved.
So when Jason said that to me, in my mind, I heard, "I don't have you anymore." And in my heart, even though I knew it wasn't true, I felt, "Hey, yeah, I love you, but I just need a little break from loving you for a while because you're so much work."
High highs, and low lows.
I asked him why. What had I done?
He told me he needed his space, that he just needed some time to process through things.
And he told me I was living in a fantasy world. That life isn't a romance novel. That he isn't a fictional character.
I told him I didn't want fantasy. I just wanted my husband back.
I was devastated. I lost my temper, said a few things I never should've said, and drove off alone, where I sobbed my heart out. Eventually I came home, and things just plodded along, but weren't right. I needed space and time, and I needed to not lose my temper again.
When people argue...they say things they don't really mean. They take things the wrong way.
In Jason's defense, he explained later that sometimes, every few months, he gets into "moods." It's not that he doesn't still love me. It's not that he's being dishonest -- he's told me how much he loves me and we're in this together. It's that he's just in a mood and I need to give him time.
I'm not always so good at that. But truth be told? I get in a raging mood about once a month, and he rolls with that for me. So I need to be able to roll with that for him.
I knew things would be better. Jason is a good, fair, and loving man. I knew over time, we would move past this and maybe both be the wiser. These things happen, and they strengthen our relationship. But they're freaking hard to go through.
I spent some time praying, and I realized I'd behaved selfishly. He's not a robot. He's a human being. We were out when this happened, in a crowded place, and I kissed him. I turned to go get my kids, and felt his hand come around my neck and he squeezed and I knew what it meant. I've got you. I felt tears come to my eyes.
And then...we just weren't angry with each other anymore.
We talked. He said I didn't need to apologize, because he was the one that should be apologizing. I was humbled by his sincere apology.
I told him his accusation of my fantasy world mind wasn't true, that I never feel that way, because "what I've got here with you is better than any book I've ever read. Real life is better than fiction." And holy hell, I mean every word of that.
He took us out to dinner, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and we put the kids to bed.
At this point, I was dying to be in his arms, to feel his strength, to know he had me again. He was so exhausted and I could tell, but he put everything down and asked me to come lie my head on his chest. I did. I told him I needed a spanking but would wait if he was too tired, and he said no, and I was nearly giddy with the anticipation of crawling over his lap and letting it all go.
He got out the brush, and I crawled over his lap, and he gave me a wonderful, thorough, slow and deliberate spanking. Not a punishment one, but stress relief, meant to help me let it all go and get back in my happy submissive place. It worked. I felt amazing when he was done. I was so grateful he took the time to help me, even though he was so tired himself.
So what have I learned from this? We make mistakes. We all do. Even in my anger, it's not good to lose my temper. My husband deserves my respect. When he needs space, it's best just to give that to him.
When things are good, they're wonderful. And when they're bad, they're awful. But neither extreme lasts. We just need to keep learning from each other...keep avoiding being selfish, and look beyond ourselves. Because it's not a place we arrive at, but how we get there that matters.