Who hasn't been in this position?
I have a spanking coming.
I totally deserve it. I totally, really, really don't want it.
The more time goes on, the more I hate being punished. It hits me hard -- pun intended. Physically, Jason doles out punishment spankings that are, undoubtedly, meant to modify behavior. Emotionally, it kills me to know I've let him down and I'm deserving of punishment.
I am spanked often, usually at least once a day. Most of those spankings are not punishment spankings. It's almost always the good kind -- role affirmation, sexy spankings, or stress relief. Most days, I have a bit of a sting on my bottom, and I like it that way.
We've come to the point that punishment is rare.
However, it still happens, and it ebbs and flows. So although I sometimes go weeks without being punished, every once in a while I hit a point where I get a variety of punishments in a short time period. That's where I am now.
I was punished last week, for speeding. That's a big no-no here. That was, I think, Thursday or Friday. Saturday afternoon, we were alone and I gave him a bit of an attitude, and found myself bent over his lap being strapped until I was repentant and obedient again. Saturday night, I ended up in the corner for forgetting one of my rules. Sunday night, I gave him an attitude and ended up in tears over a reprimand and asked him to spank me for being naughty, because I felt so guilty. He did. It helped.
Last night, I realized I'd forgotten something I was supposed to do. I was supposed to give my son his medicine. It's important, very important. But I forget sometimes, when I get busy with other things. Jason has warned me over and over and over again, and told me point-blank a few weeks ago he was making it my responsibility. I've been very good about it but forgot once last week and he said simply, "This is going on the daily checklist. If you forget it again, it's a spanking."
Well, I forgot. I told him, head bowed on his chest.
He looked at me sadly and kissed me, and I asked him if he was angry. He smiled and said, "No, sweetie, I'm not angry with you at all. It's okay." He hugged me, and I thought, thank goodness, I'm not in trouble. It felt very nice! For that very brief moment I was disillusioned. I said something about not getting in trouble and he said, "Oh, no, you're still getting a spanking for it."
I had my arms around his neck and my mouth up to his ear. "Oh, please, honey. I'm so sorry I forgot again. Maybe I can go to the corner? Please don't spank me," I pleaded.
I really don't like being spanked for punishment. It devastates me. As much as the pain of the spanking, the sorrow that I feel consumed with is really hard to deal with, and it always makes me cry now.
"You've said this before," he said. "The corner doesn't work for you. It doesn't motivate you to do what you should like a spanking does."
My heart sank. I am blessed, and very thankful, that my husband is very consistent, and very firm. But it's still hard to deal with when the rubber hits the road.
We went upstairs, but we have a large amount of people in this house, and long story short, it became clear we didn't have privacy. He gave me a few sharp swats with his hand and lectured me, and he toyed with a few punishment ideas.
"I need to punish you for this," he said. "I cannot let it slide. But we don't have the privacy for a spanking, so I'm not sure what to do."
We talked through a few different ideas.
"What you really need for this is the heavy paddle," he said. Ugh. I just cringed. It's new, and I haven't had that for punishment yet.
"So this is what we're going to do. Tomorrow morning, you're getting your spanking. We'll have privacy then, and I can deal with this."
I nodded. But after a minute, I thought maybe we did indeed have privacy as everyone had now gone to bed, so I asked him if he would get it overwith then.
He grew stern and said, "What did I just say? When are you getting your spanking?" So I buried my head on his arm and apologized. He held me until I was calm and at peace, then tucked me in and I went to sleep.
But I was up at 3. Couldn't sleep. Punishment is looming over my head and I hate it.
He knows I do, so he doesn't typically make me wait.
The waiting is almost as bad as the actual punishment. How will I react emotionally? I'm already on the verge of tears. I know I will cry. How hard will the spanking be? No doubt, hard. He wouldn't have told me I earned the heavy paddle if he wasn't planning on doling out a serious spanking. Will we indeed have the privacy we need? Will I need a lot of aftercare, and will we have time? Will he use other things besides the paddle? The combination of leather and wood makes me quake.
These are the things that make it hard waiting...the unknown, combined with the certain knowledge that it will be unpleasant on a variety of levels.
But I do know that when it's over, we will both feel better. I know that I will be motivated to behave, and I'll have a firm reminder of that as I go about my day.
And I do hope I can get back to the rarely-punished stage, as in today.