Tuesday, September 3, 2013

When things just aren't going your way: to those who are struggling.

Tonight, I'm up a bit later than I planned. But I have something on my mind that's been on my mind for quite some time, and I wanted to pen a little bit of a post to the ones out there who are struggling. 

I often get e-mails, pleas for help, from those who are struggling. Things just aren't what they seemed. You are frustrated. You are lonely. You are hurt. My heart goes out to you.  

Tonight, this post is for you. 

Maybe you've been reading these blogs, and you're heartsick. You want this, so badly. Maybe you've asked your husband or significant other for the accountability of DD. You crave that dominance. You hate how you feel when you are waffling or uncertain, and you want the certainty of a firm but loving hand. You are not alone. 

Some of you have had a DD or D/S relationship and for whatever reason, it fell apart. This is so very difficult to take. To have had what you've wanted so badly and lost it is simply devastating. I've been there.

Maybe you are frustrated, shaking your head, not understanding why things just don't "click." You don't understand why you can't move past certain bumps in the road, and have these great relationships everyone (including me) is blogging about. Maybe you think your Hoh will just never get it.

Keep hope. It's not an easy thing. There are struggles and pains along the way. I don't know a single successful working DD relationship out there that hasn't had some kind of painful growth along the way. 

I'm going to give you a bit of advice. Take it or leave it. I'm just someone just like you, someone in the trenches. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I promise you something, readers. I will only ever be open and honest. Some things I don't share for privacy or safety reasons, of course, but I would never lie or even stretch the truth. 

So I'm going to be blunt. 

I am very, very frequently told "you have an awesome Hoh," or "I think your husband is perfect," or "how can I get my husband to be more like yours?"

I have a few things to say about that. First, yes, Jason really is amazing. It's no secret that I adore him. Adore him. And he thinks pretty highly of me, too. ;) I don't take this for granted for one blessed day. Not a day goes by that I don't try to show him how much I love him, both in word and deed. I know it could all be gone tomorrow. I don't take it for granted, not one bit. 

But this is the truth. Are you ready? First, we didn't get where we are overnight. There was a lot of hard work, a lot of talking, a lot of tears, a lot of heartache. And sometimes, there still is. We're only human. He's amazing, but he isn't perfect, and neither am I. 

Second, I am a hopeless romantic. I like writing about things that make me happy, and my sweet, sexy, romantic husband makes me happy. So does getting spanked. So those are the things I write about! But no, things aren't perfect. I get frustrated at times, too. So does Jason. It happens. 

So I'm going to tell you a bit about our struggles, and I'm going to tell you what helped us. If even one reader gleans a bit of advice or hope from this post, then I'll be happy. I drafted a post on a forum I go to, and others said they really found it helpful, so I'm going to borrow a bit from what I wrote there. 

For a long time, I wanted consistency. I wanted to know my husband was in charge, and wouldn't let me get away with anything. I hate that feeling I get when I'm feeling irritable or angry, and when Jason made me stop, it was reassuring and comforting. I felt loved, because our relationship was important enough to him that he wouldn't let me ruin it. I felt safe because he wouldn't let me spiral out of control. 

But for the longest time, Jason wouldn't do it. I'd get irritated, and he'd ignore me. I would say something rude, and he'd roll his eyes at me. I would fantasize about him coming in and rescuing me from myself, by taking me in hand and making me stop. But for so long, it didn't happen, and it made me feel unloved. 

Did he not care enough about me to help me? He cared about my safety and well-being, but not my mental well-being? I told him over and over and over again how much better I felt when he didn't let me get away with things. 

I told him when am punished for something I've done, I feel forgiven. I can forgive myself. 

Jason wanted to please me. He wanted to give me what I was asking for, but he was uncomfortable with a few things. He knew when he dominated me, I was happier, more content. But he wanted to see my effort. He wanted me to be "grown up" about things. The last thing he wanted to do was have someone else to parent, especially because that person was his best friend and his lover. Who wants to parent a friend and lover? 

So ladies, if he is telling you he doesn't want to punish you, it's not because he doesn't love you. It's probably the opposite. It's because he loves you, and he doesn't understand why what you want would make you feel more loved.

I wanted Jason to own his dominance. I wanted it to be authentic. I didn't want him to play around or pretend. I wanted him to really and truly be that steady rock I could depend on. I wanted the reassurance. 

It was tricky for Jason, because he really wanted to give me what I needed, but he didn't like feeling like a domineering jerk. He didn't want to feel like he was steamrolling or controlling me. He wanted to respect me. He didn't want to lose any part of me -- my spunk, my opinions, my confidence. He was afraid if he dominated me, things would be different. He liked the way I am and he didn't want to change me. 

I was the one who wanted to change me. 

He loved me as I was. I didn't. 

So how do we move past this? 

It took a lot of talking, a lot of working through, but we truly did move past this. Many things came into play, but the biggest thing for ME was to learn that I had to work on my own submission NOT contingent on how he Dommed me. This is so, so, so important, it's worth repeating: I had to work on my own submission. He was afraid of many things -- of losing me, of losing who he was, of losing who we were. I had to show him that this wouldn't happen by showing him I trusted him. The number one way you show trust is by allowing him to lead. 

But he doesn't lead, you say. 

Wanna bet? 

Does he ever express an interest in anything? Does he ever ask you to do something? Does he ever make a comment about something that displeases him? Look for those things. If he asks you to charge your cell phone so you don't get stranded by the side of the road, thank him and then make sure your cell is charged. If he suggests you go to bed earlier because maybe you look a little tired, thank him and get yourself to bed. If he thanks you for buying him crunchy raisin bran because it's his favorite, make sure you have it on hand. Look for little ways to appreciate him. Look for little ways to show you trust him. These are things you can do to help yourself cultivate submission. 

Don't wait for him to become a magic Dom overnight to do this. It's likely not gonna happen. 

You have the power to change this. You can be submissive first.

Now, there was something Jason had to learn, too.The biggest thing for HIM was when he realized that I needed his dominance. This was HUGE. So it finally clicked for him that when he Dommed me, he was actually loving me deeply, by giving me what I wanted, what I needed, by providing the dominance I craved, even at times when he may have been uncomfortable with it. 

He said at one point, "I don't want to just spank you for being cranky. I want to know WHY you are angry!" He also said it just didn't feel RIGHT punishing me. It hurt so badly when he said that. 

I said things like, "When I do something wrong, I have a hard time forgiving myself. When you spank me, I can forgive myself. It helps ME let go." This was a huge lightbulb moment for him. He literally said, "Ohhhhhh. I had no idea you felt that way!"

Some other things I said: "I hate the feeling I get when I'm irritable. When you tell me to stop, I feel so much better. Then I don't get consumed with that nasty feeling." 

"When you stop me from getting out of control, I feel so much safer. It makes me feel loved." 

I said things like this over and over again...explained how being dominated made me feel safe and secure. When it finally dawned on Jason that I wasn't asking him to be someone he wasn't...but I was asking him to meet a need of mine...he really really got it. Now he OWNS it. Now that he's seen what this has done for me, and for our relationship, there is no turning back. He's committed, and really completely confident in his ability to lead. 

I also reassured him I wouldn't be a doormat, I'd still have a say, I would still be the wife he fell in love with.

Once my Jason made this connection? It all fell into place. All of it. Before that, he would never correct me for my attitude. He would only follow through on agreed-upon rules, because he's a man of his word. And sometimes he'd want to be merciful because he loves me, and then I'd get mad because he was being inconsistent!

We both started to see that we did not lose who we were. Not at all. We began falling deeper in love. Our passion for each other grew. It's still growing. When I stopped criticizing him, and became grateful for who he was, things changed. He made an effort to give me what I needed, and when he did, he saw how it really and truly did make me feel loved. 

He told me several months in, "You were like a flower, all closed up, but now you've blossomed." 

Because I love him, and wanted him happy, I tried so hard not to push. I tried so hard to be grateful for all he did for me, and who he was. And because he loves me, he tried so hard to see what it was I really needed, and to give that to me. 

And that, in a nutshell, is what brought us here today. 

It hasn't been easy, and in no way have we "arrived." It's a journey. It's a process. You learn, and you grow. You make mistakes. There is trial and error. 

Please don't compare what you have to what others (even me) have. It's not fair to either of you. Focus on communicating, and keep taking baby steps. Little by little, step by step, you'll get there. 

Keep heart. You're not alone.

18 comments:

  1. Thank you for another great post.
    Meredith

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  2. Wonderful post JG! I wouldn't want the man I married to change who he is. I fell in love with him because of the type of man he is, and I do believe he is one of a kind. It's like he told me when we began this journey, "I am not changing who I am, just how I manage our home". I also believe when someone compliments saying your hoh is wonderful or great they might just mean for you and your relationship because they are so happy for you. I always look forward to your next post:)

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    1. I agree. I think that's beautiful how Lee said that.

      As far as Jason being perfect for me, I totally agree!

      I don't want to paint an unrealistic picture of DD...I want to show that it is real, there are real struggles, and no one is perfect...but that it can be amazing.

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  3. Terrific post. Thank you for sharing your journey in an open and honest manner.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thanks, Joey! I'm glad to see how stop by.

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  4. Thanks for sharing this. I had this ahhah moment this weekend when I felt as though I wasn't being led, that he wasn't being consistant.

    I realized I needed to be more conscious of the fact that he does lead me. Often. That I just don't listen. That I need to follow through with his mentions of interest, Asking for me to do something, comments about something that displeases him, doing what he suggests. Doing those little things to show you adore and appreciate. Only then can he see that I'm being submissive first.

    My husband has also shown concern with me changing. With us changing. He doesn't want to lose his partner and best friend. I had to reassure him that i trust that he won't let that happen. And that I won't either. That we will communicate things. That I will come to him instead of bottling things up until I blow.

    It's a challenge being this new person that I want to be while still being his spunky spitfire tough cookie wife. He too loves me for me. But there are parts of me I don't love and he is understanding and beginning to see those and help change them.

    I look forward to our lifelong journey, the trial and error and the growth. And I can't wait to see the next post you share of your beautiful journey <3

    ~HanneSharp

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    1. It's hard finding that balance, Hanne. I wish you two the best as you discover more and more about each other as well.

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  5. Hi JG
    I felt you have just described why I want DD I have been trying to put it into words - I so understand what you said about wanting someone to stop you loosing control with anger,this is me to a T, and the bit about the feeling nasty.

    I think this will help me explain to my husband why I want this its one thing to tell someone you want DD but quite another to explain DD.


    Many many thanks
    Jane

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    1. I agree, Jane...it's not easy explaining the "why." Sometimes we dont' understand it ourselves.

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  6. You are a flower that has blossomed, SO beautiful! :) You are right, it does not happen over night, it's a lot of talking, a lot of explaining. But I think that is a lot of the beauty of DD, that we really learn to communicate. We learn to share what we need, and they in turn share, and we both learn to really listen. The more talking that happens, the more you want to talk, the more you want to learn about the other. Great post, thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Es May! It was a lovely comment, and one I remembered when things weren't going so well (as they are wont to do!). I love that we have been able to truly listen to each other more as we've begun this journey.

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  7. THANK YOU! I really needed this tonight. We are new on our journey and figuring things out. The way you describe yourself sounds a lot like me. Helpful to hear this perspective and great words of advice/encouragement and how to articulate my feelings! THANK YOU!

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    1. I'm so happy to hear it helped you, Olive Oil! Honestly, I post a lot of happy things on this blog (as the truth is, I'm mostly very very happy!) but things aren't always that way. It takes time and hard work, but you can get there!

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  8. Wow - did I ever need to read this tonight! Thank you for the honest and sound advice. I was feeling very stuck but now after reading this post, I feel really hopeful! :)

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    1. I am so glad that you've found encouragement in this post. It can be SO challenging, but little by little, as you overcome the hurdles, you'll get there. Hang in there. Feel free to write me if ever you need someone to "talk" to. I am slow in responding, but I will.

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  9. Thank you so much. I really needed your wisdom and to re-read it. Thank you.

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    1. I'm glad you found this helpful, Jo. I'm sorry you are struggling. I got your email and will reply soon. Hang in there. ((hugs))

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