Tuesday, February 10, 2015

How D/S has Brought About Healing

Please note, this is a re-post of an older post from 2013 I thought time to re-post for a variety of reasons. 


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This was the most difficult post I've ever written. My finger hovered over the "publish" button for quite some time, before I took a deep breath and hit it. But I needed to write it.

It's long. My apologies. I tried, but couldn't write it any simpler. 

The past few days, my emotions have run high.

I'm not exactly sure why. There really is no reason. I'm not hormonal. I'm not stressed. Jason and I have been fantastic. But I've been on the verge of tears a lot lately.

Emotions run high in D/S, and I'm no exception to this rule. I never used to be a crier. Not at all. But now, I cry easily.

My emotions have led me to think about how grateful I am. How blessed I am to be loved, and loved deeply. Readers of this blog will know how I adore my husband. And they'll also know I have good reason.

He is patient, and kind, and attentive. But he doesn't let me get away with anything. He has that perfect blend of sternness and gentleness that makes me feel cared for, loved, and treasured. He calls me that sometimes --  his treasure.

He's been home the past few days, and at every possible opportunity, I've been sneaking upstairs to him and putting my head on his lap, giving him a quick kiss, or hugging him. I can't get enough of him. I long to be with him. Finally today he said, "You're just soaking me up, aren't you?"

Yes, I am. I need to. Just be close. Touch him. Hear his voice.

So today, I've been thinking a lot about how deeply we love each other, and I am thankful.

But I'm also thinking about my past, and how I've been healed, and how my relationship with my husband has brought about that healing.

I've hesitated in sharing too much about my past, mostly because I don't like to perpetuate the myth that people who crave D/S come from broken homes. It simply isn't true. But people have been hurt. People come from broken homes. So it only stands to reason, that some of us who choose this lifestyle also came from broken homes.

I am one of those people, and I want to tell you a little bit about this. I need to do this. It's on my heart, and I need to write it all out...for me, for my husband, and for anyone else out there who can relate.

I grew up in a seriously abusive, highly dysfunctional home. It's taken me a long time to come to grips with that. I still don't think I have completely. When I met Jason I was young, and naive. He's a good deal older than I am. I was still living with my parents, still believing the lies they told me I was raised believing.

That I could do nothing right. That it was normal to be belittled, demeaned, and abused. I have vivid memories of kneeling by my bed at night, praying for everything to end. I hated my life. My childhood was horrible. I was terrified in my own home, but I had nowhere to go. My parents would occasionally lash out physically, but it was rare. They chose the verbal variety instead. I was manipulated, and lied to, and taken advantage of. I regularly experienced things that no child should ever, ever go through.

The first time I was driving the car with Jason and made a wrong turn, I remember holding my breath and cringing, awaiting the inevitable wrath that would come from having made a mistake that inconvenienced him. Because that's what men did when they were angry, right? He only turned to me and shrugged and said, "Hey, we'll just take the next exit. It's okay." It shocked me.

He didn't have a temper. He never belittled me. He always looked at the bright side of things. He was patient, and kind. He worked hard. And he loved me.

Although he was good, and kind, he was also very much in charge. He knew what he believed, and he made no apology for it. He was responsible, and protective, though he always did it in the "cool, calm, and collected" way that made me feel safe.

But I had a temper. I was raised in a home where yelling, raging, and screaming were what you did when you were angry. It was nearly instinctive with me. The first few times I lost my temper with Jason, even in the middle of my fit, I expected him to react the same way I did, and fight back. But he never did. He would watch me, arms folded across his chest, and say something like, "Are you done now?" His calm demeanor would make me feel guilty. I felt terrible for the things that I'd said, and he'd forgive me.

I tried so hard to calm that temper of mine. I hated how I felt after I'd lost my patience with my husband. And when we began to have children, I hated how I felt when I'd lost my patience with one of them.

Jason would usually step back when I was in a temper, because it was the easiest way for him to stay calm. But every once in a while he would step up to me, take me by the arm firmly and say, "That's enough!" And when he did, it would immediately take the wind out of my sails.

When I first read about Domestic Discipline, my gut reaction was, "No. That's wrong. It's not right for a husband to discipline his wife." I was repulsed by the idea of a domineering husband trying to exert his will over mine. I wasn't a child. I was a full-grown woman.

But one day, after we'd been dabbling in erotic spanking for some time, Jason told me I would get a "real spanking." I didn't believe him, but he showed me he was, indeed, serious. I was shocked. Mortified. And incredibly, undeniably, drawn to it.

What was it that drew me to being disciplined by my husband? I read, and I read, and I read.

I read about husbands who cared about their wives so deeply, they wouldn't let them do silly, heedless things. I read about wives who said they felt comforted, and secure, and they were able to let their guilt go when their husbands disciplined them.

I wanted that.

After some time, Jason decided we would try out Domestic Discipline and see how it went. We had a few rules at first. We didn't call ourselves "D/S." It was just something we did. If I disobeyed a rule, I got a spanking. It did work. I did feel loved, and forgiven, and after a lifetime of dealing with the pain of guilt, and feeling like I could do nothing right, things began to change. I never in my entire life experienced the loving feel of being disciplined by someone who loved me. I was always punished in anger as a child, so it left me feeling hurt, and rejected. 

This confused me. Why did I crave Jason's discipline so much? Discipline was a negative thing. 

For a long time, I tried to control things. I tried to tell him how to do things. I tried to tell him what I wanted, but nothing he did was right. 

Then one day, one incident changed everything.

One day, several months after he began discipline spankings, I disobeyed a rule. It was a rule I'd broken many times, and he'd had it. He told me was going to spank me soundly for it but he wasn't feeling well, and I'd have to wait until he felt better. 

The wait was torturous. Finally, I lost it. In a fit, I told him to just get it over with already and stop torturing me by making me wait. 

Remember I said my husband stands his ground? Does he ever. No fit of mine will ever get me my way. He told me I'd better knock off the fit, and that I wasn't in control of the situation. 

I went up to my room and fumed up there. Why wouldn't he just get it over with? Why was he torturing me? He sent me a text (since he was all the way on the other side of the house) and he said something like, "You're being a brat and you'd better knock it off. This isn't your call." 

I responded by being a total brat and told him he was being mean and I was sick of being treated so poorly! 

His response was, "Alright, then. I'm mean. Maybe it's time you go back to dealing with these things on your own. Maybe I shouldn't discipline you anymore." 

Oh gosh. That was devastating. I responded and apologized and begged him not to take D/S away from me. 

I heard him coming upstairs. I expected his anger. Although he doesn't rant and rave, the man is human. When he gets angry with me, I know it. I expected he'd come up and tell me it was over. No more D/S. That he was done with my brattiness and controlling. 

He did not. 

He came into the room, where I was weeping quietly to myself. He sat on the bed, pulled me into his arms, and rocked me. 

"You need to trust me," he whispered. "This is not yours to control. You're going about this all the wrong way. If this is what you want, you need to let me do things my way. You need to let me lead you. If you want me in charge, it's time to let this go." 

I cried, and I cried, and I cried. And it all came out. 

I'd been holding onto some kind of hope -- some ray of light -- something, anything that would help me believe my parents loved me unconditionally. I still wanted to know I meant something to them. I still couldn't come to grips with the pain of having been abused and rejected. 

I told him. As he held me and I wept, I told him everything. That never in my life had I been held accountable by someone who loved me. That never had anyone cared enough for me to discipline me lovingly, and teach me how to be a better person. To help me change the character flaws I hated about myself. To help me forgive myself for the mistakes I made. No one had ever done that for me. 

My desire to be disciplined by the one person in my life who ever loved me unconditionally was so deeply rooted in my desire to be taken care of, and protected. He kissed me and told me he understood. And then he told me something I will never forget. 

"I don't care what you do, what you say, or whatever mistakes you make. I will always, always love you. That will never change, not ever. I'm not going anywhere. I am here. You are mine, and I love you so much. But you need to trust me. I can't do what you need me to do unless you trust me." 

I cried into his chest and he held me, as I told him I would. I would trust him. I wouldn't control this anymore. And that I loved him, too. 

"You deserve a spanking for disobeying me. But because I need to teach you to trust me, I'm going to have you wait until the end of the weekend," he said. 

"Nooooo," I cried. The two-day long wait had been torture enough. I needed to wait even longer? 

"I will stay with you. I'm going to walk you through this. You can cry to me, and tell me everything you're feeling, and I'll help you with it. I will hold your hand through this and help you. But you're going to let go of this control, and trust me." 

And when he said that, a funny thing happened. I felt peace. I didn't feel the angst of waiting for a punishment anymore. I knew then, down to my bones, that he loved me, that he would always do what was right by me, and that most of all I could trust him

I nodded. I let it all go. My desire to control and make things happen on my terms. I put myself completely at his mercy, and it felt so good

"Okay," I said. "I completely trust you. I won't ask again. I won't push, or beg or anything. You do what you think is best." 

"You mean that?" he asked. 

"Yes," I responded. I did. I really truly did. 

He squeezed me and kissed my forehead. "That's what I needed to hear," he said. "Come to the end of the bed now. I think it's time we got this punishment over with." 

Oh, the relief. All of it. To know he knew what I needed, and that he loved me, and that I could trust him. 

He gave me a long, hard spanking. It was the first time ever he spanked in sets. In between sets, he rubbed me and talked quietly to me, and I cried as I let it all go. When he was finished giving me one of the hardest spankings I'd gotten at that point, he held me while I cried, and all was forgiven. 

It was what I needed. 

It is what I need. 

As I've given over control in this, and truly put it all in my husband's hands, I've felt myself experiencing healing from the past. I've felt the love of a firm, loving hand that I've craved. 

When I once deliberately disobeyed him, made the conscious decision that I didn't care if I'd get spanked or not, I was going to disobey him anyway, I felt guilt about it and told him. He looked at me sorrowfully and pulled me over to him. "I'm glad you told me," he said quietly. "Disobeying me is one thing. Intentionally disobeying me like that is another thing entirely. I have to spank you for that, and I have to spank you soundly. I can't allow you to even entertain thoughts like that. Do you understand me?" 

I remember feeling fear at the thought of the sound spanking he promised, but overcome with emotion. It was the unmistakable feeling of knowing he does this because he loves me. 

This past weekend, I lost my temper with one of my kids. Jason was at the top of the stairs and heard me. He called my name sharply. I knew I was in trouble. I meekly went upstairs to him, and he instructed me to sit at the end of the bed. He walked over to me, and put a finger under my chin, raising my eyes to his. 


"I can't have you behaving like that," he said. "What you did was wrong." He was right. I felt the guilt of knowing I did something wrong. My kids didn't deserve to be treated the way I'd treated them. He looked steadily into my eyes. 

"I don't ever want to hear you treat them that way because you're taking your frustrations out on them. I will help you with what you need, always. But if that happens again, you're getting a spanking. Do you understand me?" 

I nodded. And again...it was that feeling of being loved. He doesn't discipline me because he's selfish. He doesn't do it because he's on a power trip. He doesn't do it to demean me, and he never treats me like a child. He does it because I need it. He does it because it helps me. 

But most of all, he does it because he loves me. He loves me the way no one else has ever loved me...unconditionally. And trusting myself to him was the best decision I've ever made.



29 comments:

  1. I'm in tears JG. thank you for sharing abbit of your past. I wouldn't have imagined I could relate to you anymore than ialready do. I too fell into the habit of using the same anger, raging and screaming my mother did as is growing up. throwing things, mean belittling words and other dysfunctional things I couldn't ever imagine putting our children through. these things weighed heavy on my heart when first learning I desired the element of discipline in our relationship. can understand your sudden emotional state. D/s DD whatever letters one chooses to describe their relationship, really is an emotional and powerful thing. it's wonderful you have such a wonderful husband with such unconditional love and support and the character to be able to fulfill this need.

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    1. CZ, thank you for that. One of the most beautiful things about the DD community is how we can relate to one another, and support each other. It is an incredibly emotional thing indeed. And yes, I am so grateful for my husband.

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  2. Oh goodness I really like this! And I can totally relate to the family life…

    I think the percentage if people with messed up childhoods is probably quite similar in both " normal" marriages as well as the less conventional ones. People are quick to jump on reasons to why someone would want this. I think a less than ideal childhood actually just gives us the strength to know ourselves and what we need and want in life. That self awareness leads some of us this way and most people other ways.



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    1. Chickadee, you make some excellent points. People in other kinds of marriages are definitely as likely to have the emotional baggage as we are. Thank you.

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  3. This was an excellent post. Full of detail and emotion. It's too bad we're sometimes unable to be as open and vulnerable as what you described here, because we fight it. It's true for my wife and I. We're afraid or selfish, and then distance ourselves. We forget how much we NEED each other. Anything, I'm glad you've come this far.

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    1. Yes, it is too true that our human frailties detract from our ability to be open and honest sometimes. Thank you. It's been a long road but I'm glad we've gotten to where we have.

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  4. JC
    I wish you could share this with the writer who did that horrible piece a few months back. I admire how open and honest you are and thank you for sharing.

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  5. It takes a lot of courage to be as open and vulnerable as you were in this post. I'm glad to had the guts to post this and I'm sure there will be many who benefit from you sharing your experience here.

    I'm sorry you experienced the abuse growing up, but I'm glad you've found healing. What doesn't break you only makes you stronger. You are one strong woman and don't you forget it! : ) It also allows you to help other people going through similar situations.

    My H and I have the opposite experience. I came from a very loving and supportive family, but H went through hell and has PTSD because of it. DD has helped H in many ways because he is now the one in charge, but he dominates with love. DD has helped me deal with issues more lovingly and to treat H with the respect that he deserves but never received from his own family. I'm the one who asked for this lifestyle, but H benefitted even more than I did and was so happy he almost cried.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. Isn't it amazing how different people can benefit from this lifestyle? I'm so happy you two have been brought closer together as well.

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  6. Wow. Thank you for being open and honest. My heart breaks for what you experienced growing up and I'm so glad that you're finding healing through your relationship with your husband. That's an amazing thing.

    I can relate a bit. I won't go into details. Dysfunctional home, constant criticism (more subtle than outright verbal abuse), and physical abuse (usually a belt swinging wildly every which way) with an angry dad behind it. It sucks and I think it makes holding onto control feel that much more important. We don't ever want to feel helpless or powerless again. :( My husband is trying to teach me the same thing - that I can let go and trust him. It's going to be a long path.

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    1. It is, TR...I can really, really relate. But it's worth the effort. I'm sorry you experienced hurt, too. And I sincerely hope you are able to find healing as I have.

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  7. I totally get this. I was not raised I a bad home but cause my passed away when I was little my mom was stressed a lot and yelled a lot and still to this days says things that kill me inside. I do my best not to let this happen with my kids but it is not always easy to do. I am so glad u shared I know It was hard for u. J dose know that is best for u . I told u the other night ds dose not work unless we are with the one we are ment to be with and this just proves what I ment.

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  8. You chose a good man. I'm glad he is able to teach you what real love is and that you will be passing it on to your children.

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  9. Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. I'm wiped and going to bed but will write soon. Thank you again!'

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  10. Hi JG,
    I understand why this must have been hard to publish. I grew up in a very loving home but was abused for many years by an outsider and am afraid that others would assume that is why I choose this life.

    I'm sorry you had to grow up that way. You are one of the lucky ones, to have found such a calm, supportive, loving husband to help you through this and to show you how love really is, not what you learned as a child.

    Thank you so much for sharing.
    Hugs,
    Kim

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    1. Kim, thank you. I am sorry you, too, experienced abuse. You are absolutely right. I am so thankful for my husband, his patience with me, and his dedication to this dynamic.

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  11. I feel kind of like a broken record, but thank you for this post. It was very well written & sharing your struggles is extremely selfless of you. I am sorry you had a terrible childhood, no child should ever feel that kind of fear & helplessness. I was also lied to alot as a child & I can relate to parts of what you wrote. The things I went through are things I have vowed never to repeat with my own children & for the most part I have been successful, however I am human & living in a house of yelling & screaming & put downs is what was normal to me and so I have done this at times & the guilt of that is nearly unbearable. The difference for me (from my parents) is that I was able to recognize that I had done something wrong & I went to my children and apologized & told them that I was wrong and asked forgiveness and as hard as that was the right thing to do. Yelling & screaming & ranting & raving is not ok but it has taken me time to learn that & my husband has been very helpful in correcting me on this issue also. It is something that will be a struggle for me always I think, my temper is an auto reflex for me, but my husband's auto reflexes are getting stronger & soon I think they will over power mine...I really look forward to that day. The complete letting go of control is something I am still working on also...so that part hit home for me also. I am so happy for you that you finally have what you need & that your husband is such a wonderful man that he is willing & able to help you to heal your past hurts, you deserve it! Everyone should be loved unconditionally.
    Thank you again,
    SHM ; )

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    1. Thank you so much. What a kind and thoughtful comment. I can completely relate to wanting your husband's reflexes to outsmart yours! Hahaha! Jason is there, and it's not always easy, but it's very nice knowing I won't be allowed to spiral out of control anymore. I hate when I do.

      I agree that everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally, and I am so thankful.

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  12. This really made me get teary-eyed and touched me. But you know what is odd with me? I feel almost the opposite pull. I do feel unconditional love from my parents and as a married woman-I feel like it's something unattainable from a husband. Or perhaps it is just me. I think I am always comparing that unconditional love and genuine care/concern that I had from my parents compared to how he feels about me.

    I really LOVE reading your blog!

    Sweetie to C

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    1. Hi, Sweetie to C, that's okay. It's not odd. We all have our own struggles, our own shortcomings, our own battles to face. It takes time to work through these things, and years to fully build trust.

      Thank you. I'm glad you enjoy my blog. Thanks for stopping by!

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  13. Jason Girl, I had to fight tears, so much of your story was like mine. Well my mom was abusive, my dad was a workaholic and not really there. But she abused me much in the way you described, and I felt unlovable, that nothing I could do was right. I say sorry way too much, even to this day, everyone says so, and I know it's from that. The Duke is not quite where Jason is, but it gives me hope. :) I love how he was there for you, is there for you, and is leading you in love while you keep giving him your trust. This story was so beautiful, I can't thank you enough for sharing. {{{HUGS}}}

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    1. Oh gosh, Es May. I do the same thing. I apologize and constantly ask if someone is upset. It comes from thinking things were okay and then realizing later that they weren't; that there was hell to pay. Iv'e asked Jason soooo many times "are you mad at me?" and "Do you still love me?" The poor guy! But he has the patience of a saint. I'm glad the post helped. It was hard to write, but if it helps others feel understood, it was worth it.

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  14. Wow JG... thank you so much for being willing to share this with us... I'm so happy for you and I'm so glad that you know how blessed you are, so many people forget to remember how blessed they truly are.

    Bekah

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    1. Thank you, Bekah. It's easy to take things for granted, but you're right -- it's so important to be thankful for our blessings.

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  15. I'm tearing up from your story. My parents, especially my mother, were verbally and emotionally abusive to me as well. I have a bad temper and have said many nasty things to my husband in the past. I also deal with the insecurity of feeling truly loved and carry tremendous amounts of guilt. We are new to DD and I have found that it really helps me when my HoH holds me accountable for my actions. He is a patient, kind and loving man who really does love me unconditionally. You and Jason obviously love each other very much and you describe the benefits of DD beautifully. Thank you for sharing this.

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    1. I'm sorry you also were treated badly as a child. I know exactly what you mean how having your husband hold you accontable helps you, and I wish you the best as you begin your journey!

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  16. Wow... I think this is the first post I've ever read that has had me crying. Our experiences from our childhoods are not similar but the effects of the dysfunction are the same. I've often used the term "loved enough to care". I haven't reached the point of being able to open up and let all the hurt and vulnerability out and even begin to heal but I do know that that is what drives my desire for all of this. Jordan and I began this DD journey... Never really got settled into it very well and then for him to want to quit... I know you can empathize with that pain.

    I'm really happy you have Jason and can work towards healing-<3

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