It's actually a topic that's been in the forefront of my thoughts, because of some recent discussions with others in the community. Some people I know enjoy the erotic appeal and stress relief of a spanking, but don't desire the disciplinary side. Some prefer discipline and don't enjoy the erotic spanking. I like both. And I've been spending a lot of time asking myself "why" lately.
Why do I want to be disciplined?
What do we gain from Domestic Discipline?
The truth is, if I'm really honest about it, I crave the discipline more than I crave the other spanking. However, the irony is, I dislike being disciplined. I love the certainty and dependability knowing my husband will spank me if I need it. But the actual act of being disciplined is not enjoyable. It typically hurts more than other spankings, and it's also emotionally difficult. I hate letting my husband down. I dislike knowing I've done something I shouldn't. Pleasing him is my favorite thing to do! But, I'm human. I mess up.
This week he punished me several times. Three, to be exact. I haven't been disciplined this often in ages, but I lost my focus, and needed to be brought back to center. And his discipline helps me to do that.
I love the closeness. It's hard work putting myself at his mercy. When he lectures me, and spanks me, then comforts me, I am brought back into him. There is nothing between us. No hard feelings, no anger, nothing left unsaid. I love having that closure after something has gone wrong.
I love the communication. Just a week or two ago I was kneeling in front of Jason, and he and I were discussing an issue.
"Have you noticed we talk so much more now?" He asked. I told him yes, I really did. We always talked before. We love just being with each other, teasing, debating current events or philosophy, joking and laughing. But that's not the difference. The difference is, we talk about us more.
In his post, Bob talked about the erotic appeal of spanking. I will not deny that even punishment spankings satisfy an erotic need of mine -- in some ways, the act of discipline is even more erotic to me than any other kinds of spanking. The actual spanking itself is not sexy. I am never turned on after a punishment. But there's something about that total loss of control, and that fear of a punishment that heightens the experience. The waiting. Being at his mercy. Knowing he will not hurt me, and that I trust him. Feeling his strength.
I haven't really shared my doubts with Jason lately, because I wasn't really sure where I stood. I wasn't even really sure why I was doubting, or questioning.
I asked Jason recently, "If I wanted to withdraw my consent to DD, would you let me?" I dislike thinking I'm the only one that benefits from this. I want to know he's doing it because he wants to, not just because I've asked him to. I want it to be natural and organic for him.
But I wanted to know...did he see any benefit himself?
"Yes," he said. "If you didn't want me to discipline you, I wouldn't anymore." He paused. "But I think you need it."
That was all I needed to hear.
I think you need it.
It works for us. It brings us closer. We are happier. There is a natural give and take, meeting each other's needs, as I've said before. But it's true. He fulfills my need to be provided for, protected, and led. And I fill his need to provide for, protect, and lead. It works. It's harmonious. It's not perfect, but real life isn't perfect.
It has brought us so much closer. We had a great marriage before DD, but now we're so much closer. We can't stand being separated from one another. If we go out to eat, he has me sit next to him. At church, he makes sure I am by his side. When we are driving, he holds my hand constantly. When he comes home from work, he calls me into him and we talk about our day.
It's an inexplicable feeling of completing each other.