Should a Dom/Hoh ever spank when he or she is angry?
Many will say no. However, I disagree. I think there is a time and a place for a righteous, angry spanking. In fact, in our experience here, there have been times an "angry husband" spanking has been actually quite welcome.
Please bear with me.
Jason is not a man given to temper. He is not a volatile person, and really keeps his temper in check. But there have been times I've pushed him over the edge.
There was one time I lost my temper at one of my children, shouted some things I never should've said, and Jason overheard me. He flew around the corner, took me by the arm, and led me to where our children couldn't see. Without a word, he bent me over his knee and spanked me hard. Then he said, "Don't you ever let me hear you say that again," and marched off. Thoroughly chastened, I apologized to my child. Later that night, Jason said he'd been so angry when he heard me. We both knew I deserved a spanking and somehow, being caught off guard, bent over his knee, and firmly disciplined was more effective than a more formal spanking would've been.
These are times when being spanked by an angry husband has been effective.
But I've always deserved it. He's always been in control. And afterward, we had peace. In my own experience, I think those are key factors.
There have been a few times an angry spanking has not brought about an immediate peace and resolution.
There was one time I did something awful to betray his trust. I fessed up to him. He pulled me over his lap, and gave me the spanking of my life. He spanked me harder than I'd ever been spanked at that point. I could feel his anger with every single swat he gave me. I deserved it, and I took it, but what happened after was the worst part of all. He pushed me onto the bed, stood, and told me he couldn't talk to me. No aftercare. He left me in the room alone.
I was heartbroken. A good friend urged me to give him his space, and I did. I went to him after some time, peering around the corner at him to see if I was welcome to go to him. He opened his arms to me. I ran to him, put my head in his lap, and cried. He held me until I fell asleep, and all was set to rights.
Another time, he was angry with me, and I had a spanking coming. We only had a short time frame to be alone, so even though he was still furious, he spanked me. He was in complete control. It wasn't a terrible spanking. In fact, I think he likely took it easy on me because he knew he could hurt me. He offered me a hug after he spanked me, but I wouldn't go to him. I couldn't. There was still fire in his eyes, and it felt insincere. I left the room, shaking my head at him and crying, and he went to bed. The next morning, he was calm again. We talked it over, and that's when he made the decision that he would never again would he spank me when he was too angry to make it right again.
He told me later, "I will never forget that look in your eyes."
So now, if he's angry with me, he takes time and space to cool off.
Just this past Monday, I infuriated him. The story of what happened is likely a post for a different time, and a different day as honestly I'm still processing. But I royally screwed up. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit I managed to break all four D's (dishonesty, danger, disrespect, and disobedience) all in one evening. I was almost immediately repentant. I showed him by being docile and quiet how sorry I was, and I asked his forgiveness. He said at one point "this is not the time to push me," so I backed off and gave him his space. But he waited five hours to spank me. He waited until he was calm and in the mental place to spank me and put all to rights again.
So, my personal opinion is that it's not always very feasible to say "don't spank in anger." It happens, and very likely will happen. And sometimes (as in the times when I've lost my temper and he gave me an on-the-spot spanking), it seems an angry spanking has its use.
But these are times when we are vulnerable, and easily hurt. When anger isn't checked, adrenaline surges and emotions run high. So in our experience, we found it best to prepare for those times by having a system in place. He has agreed to withdraw and calm down, and I have agreed to give him that space.
I'd love to see how others feel about this. What are your thoughts on anger in DD? Do you think there's a time and a place? What kinds of things do others do to prevent further hurt during times when there is anger?