Friday, November 15, 2013

Different Kinds of Spanking

Disclaimer: here's my take on the different kinds of spankings we have here. In no way am I implying this is how it does, or should, work in every dynamic.


One question that I've been asked a lot is, is " How can a spanking motivate you to behave if you like to be spanked?" It's a good question. I've also been asked a few times, "How do you differentiate between the different kinds of spankings you get?"

So I want to take a little time to explain my feeling on this. The questions are somewhat related. 

When Jason first spanked me, it was a sexy spanking. Oddly, I don't remember the conversation we had when I flat out told him I wanted to be put over his lap and really spanked. He'd swatted me before, but never ever really given me a spanking. 

I do remember the spanking vividly. He was laying in bed and said, "Lay over my lap." I did. He used his hand, and spanked me thoroughly. I had never in my entire life been more turned on. It was like he'd lit a fire under me. My entire body was nerves on end. It was as if he'd unearthed something deep within me. We made love and it was screaming hot and incredibly intense. And after I climaxed and came back to earth, I bawled like a baby. It was a deeply moving, incredibly emotional experience. 

Sexy spankings aren't always like the first one, but erotic spanking is something I crave; it's something that he is amazing at delivering, and there's no doubt our love-making skyrocketed. Sexy spankings are hot. He knows what I like now, and he pushes those buttons. He will roll up his sleeves, or sit down and pat his lap, or whisper in that very sexy, seductive voice, "Tonight, I'm putting you over my knee for a good girl spanking." It turns me on. It's so hot

Those are sexy spankings. 

But the majority of the spankings I get are role affirmation, or stress relief. I do get punishment spankings, but those are rarer. The stress relief or role affirmation spankings are the spankings I get to start my day. When I am overwhelmed, or stressed, or really just need to screw my head on right, he will often say things like, "I think you need to go over my lap," or he will take my hand and say, "A good spanking will help you with this." 

Don't get me wrong -- these are still sexy! Pretty much any time Jason says the word "spanking" or "over my lap" or "bend you over my knee," a little key turns in my chest. My heartbeat accelerates. But the feel of these spankings is quite different. It's soothing. Reassuring. Helps center me, and get my head on straight. I can let my frustrations and irritations go. As he gives me these spankings, he says things like, "I've got you, babe," or "Just relax and let it all go," and when he's done I am usually laying in his arms sighing, and every single worry is simply gone. I feel loved, and cared for, and my head is cleared. I don't usually feel aroused by this type of spanking, though they are deeply satisfying.

Now punishment spankings are a totally, completely different thing altogether. Totally

When I'm punished, I know I've let him down. Sometimes he says I didn't, and he's not upset with me, he just wants to help me to do better. But there's that knowledge that I am being spanked because I didn't do what I should. There's shame involved. I am not turned on at all. It's just not sexy. Emotionally, it hits so much harder. 

He will often lecture me, and that lecture is also what makes it very very difficult. He always asks me why I'm being spanked, and what happens when I do what I know I shouldn't. If it's a safety issue, he will remind me how seriously he takes our safety, and how badly he'd feel if anything bad happened to me or our kids because I was careless. When he spanks me, it hurts, but the emotional aspect of being in trouble and punished motivates me to never do it again. I don't cry after a sexy spanking. I don't usually cry after a stress relief or role affirmation (though sometimes I need to and do). After any kind of punishment spanking, I cry. It didn't used to be this way, but it is now. I feel so awful for having let him down. I cherish our relationship, and there is nothing more precious to me than when I know I've pleased him. 
And I'm always motivated to do better next time. 

So yeah...I love to be spanked. But do I love to be punished? Not at all. The mentality of a punishment spanking is so very different from the "good kind." Although being disciplined satisfies a need of mine, it's not something I enjoy at all.

We've been asked how we differentiate between the different kinds of spankings. It's not exactly black and white. Sometimes a sexy one has the pretense of being for real. Sometimes a stress relief goes into erotic. Sometimes a punishment brings stress relief. They are all tied up together, interwoven, but what we call it, how we define it, doesn't really matter. 

The only thing that really matters is that our needs are met and we're brought closer together. And pretty much any kind of spanking does exactly that.


  1. Each couple will find a way that works for them. Some have to separate completely, some find that punishment doesn't work (at least as spanking), and some do find ways to make each kind unique. I think that ideally punishments should be rare, so it makes it easier to treat those separately.

    Nice post.

    1. That is a really good point! I completely agree that every couple has to find what works for them. Definitely. I think couples themselves even find over time that their dynamic differs. For example, when Jason and I first started out, erotic spankings were carried out very differently than punishment. Erotic spankings were always otk with his hand and punishment was always over the bed with an implement. Over time the lines have really blurred for us.

      So the point I think I was trying to make is that for me personally, it's the emotions surrounding the circumstances that make it so different for us.


  2. Wow. I love the way you described your emotions for each type of spanking.

    A punishment spanking for me is very different. You are so right, the emotion of knowing I failed someone is awful.

    Terrific post.


    1. Thanks, Joey.

      Yes, the emotion surrounding punishment is awful for sure...I'm working my way back to making sure punishments are rare!

  3. This makes so much sense. Having just had my first punishment spanking, I can certainly attest that it is different.

  4. While, ( thankfully) punishment spankings are rare hear too, Barney was always concerned on how to make them different for both of us. I finally had to 'confess' what things I detest, or make me uncomfortable, ie positions, implements. Naturally, like you said the emotions surrounding the punishments make a huge difference, but sometimes I am not 'there' yet where I am remorseful, ( like not eating breakfast) and Barney has had a difficult time finding words at times. I think everyone has to be honest in their communication with each other, and like everything else it will work itself out in time.

    1. I can understand that for sure. We had some serious distinctions at first, too. Great point on honest communication!

  5. JGirl, I loved this. :) I too find that at times that one spanking will go into the realm of another spanking, but it doesn't matter, and doesn't need to necessarily be labled, it just has to work, and it does. :) Thank you for sharing. :)

    {{{HUGS}}} EsMay

    1. I can respect that some people need distinctions...we have at times. But I think there's nothing wrong when the lines blur sometimes!

  6. You always do such a great job. It's like you open my head and find the words and write them down for me, then wrap a big bow around it too.

    I was thinking about this the other day and sometimes I can't figure out what it is I am trying to figure out, then I come here and voila. You did it again.

    I love to be spanked and I hate to be punished! SM used to spank me a lot in regards to intimacy and it was always hot, like you said. Then he decided I had to have a break because he wanted to make sure I could enjoy intimacy without being spanked. It actually took a very long time to "break" me of that "habit" if you will. Now it's good with or without so he is happier with that but we do spank a LOT.

    I'm sure I had a point...


  7. Hi JGirl,
    I totally agree with your discriptions & I feel the same way about fun vs. punishment-even if it is in the same position with the same implement it feels totally different when I know I have let him down. It's not even about him being angry at me, he may be when he first finds out about, or sees me break a rule, but by the time he spanks it's disappointment & not anger & for me that is so much worse. It's painful to let him or my children down & that pain makes the spanking so much harder to take....thanks JGirl it's nice to know there are others that feel the same way.
    SHM ; )

  8. Sara, I'm so glad you can relate! Each couple has to find out what works for them for sure!

  9. SHM, I love it when I post something and I know I'm not alone in the way I think and feel. Makes me feel understood, and maybe I'm not as crazy as I think I am sometimes! lol

  10. May I just clarify one point with you? When you say that you are emphatically "Not turned on at all" by a punishment, does that mean that, in the moment, because it is painful emotionally and physically, the entire attraction of the Dominant/submissive interaction between you becomes effectively "switched off" and that you temporarily lose that element of your connection?

    I ask because, for me at least, no matter what the kind or the purpose of the spanking, that never entirely goes away. It may be a barely perceptive underlying and latent erotic attraction during punishment, but it is still there nevertheless. It's not that, in a punishment situation I am "turned on" by the atmosphere, the lecture, or the pain of the spanking, or that I don't feel remorseful or upset because punishment is still unmistakably different from any other type of spanking. Nor does it mean that we venture into sexual acts while it's going on (when it's over, it's *really* over and we move in forward and do whatever comes naturally on the individual occasion, be that making love, hugging, or going on our way) or that punishment is any less 'real' or effective, but simply that these feelings are constant between us.

    Many people seem to struggle greatly with similar seemingly conflicting feelings, especially as it seems that, for quite a few people, the two aspects are so inextricably intertwined that they don't have the *capability* to neatly separate them, no matter what they do to make things 'different'.

    Although there is no real way to explain this paradox, I wouldn't want anyone who has the same sensations to feel that their DD dynamic is any less 'real' because of it, or to be afraid to accept something that works for them.

    1. This is an excellent question and I'm glad you asked it.

      The erotic attraction to my husband's dominance never goes away, ever. In fact, in many ways, the seriousness of a punishment is somehow even more deeply erotic than any other kind of spanking, to me anyway. I think it's the deeper level of trust and complete lack of control involved. Even the verbal threat of a punishment spanking is erotic, and where my fantasies tend to go, because of that deeply erotic appeal.

      But when I actually physically endure a punishment spanking, the emotional effects of being punished make the physical act of being turned on impossible for me. Emotionally, I am too consumed with feelings of remorse to be aroused. After a very serious punishment, if my husband wants to make love afterwards, it typically takes some attentive aftercare and attention before I am feeling "amorous," even if emotionally I crave wanting to be close to him after.

      I completely agree with you that one cannot remove the erotic undertones. In fact, it is hard for me to imagine consenting to this dynamic if I weren't attracted deeply to his dominance.


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