Tuesday, November 26, 2013

My Safe Place

Last week, a terrible thing happened. 

I was at the gym. I took my bag with my wallet, stuffed it under my seat, and locked it in my van. I took my keys, put them in the pocket of my coat, and hung them with my gym bag in the locker room. 

When I finished working out, I couldn't find my keys in my coat. I looked and looked. I was confused. I knew I'd put them there. So I went to the desk and asked if anyone had turned them in. The woman at the desk asked me where I'd put them, and when I told her she said, "Go check your car." Now I was starting to get nervous. 


As soon as I got to my van I realized it was opened (I'd left it locked) and it was clear someone had been in there. The contents of my wallet had been emptied. I was shaken. I was afraid someone was still in there, but no one was. I found my keys on the passenger seat. 

I called Jason. He was upset (not with me) but thankful no one was hurt, and instructed me to come straight home. I did. It had already been a pretty rough day, in many ways. I made dinner, served dinner, and told him after dinner I was going to cancel my credit cards. He cleared the table but didn't do the dishes, so when I was done with my many phone calls, I went to the kitchen and the dishes were still there. 

I lost it. 

In all fairness, we'd eaten off of paper plates, and he was bathing the kids. But I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. Looking back on it now, I think I was just looking for a reason to blow.

I went upstairs, ready to pick a fight. 

"I have something to say," I said, my arms across his chest. 

"Kneel," he said. 

Kneel? Just like that? 

"But I --" 

"Kneel." 

So, I did. I didn't kneel in front of him as I usually do but a short distance away from him. And I went off, all about how no one helped me around here and the least he could've done was done the dishes while I took care of business after a terrible day, and why did I have to do everything... 

He leaned over, said in that very deadly calm voice with his hand making a little pinching motion, thumb and index finger like a centimeter apart, "You are this close to a wicked spanking. Is that where you want this to go?"

I stopped. Took a deep breath. And continued, but this time peppering my tirade with some very choice words. 

"Try that again. Watch your mouth," he said. 

So again I continued, this time with no foul language, and he said, "No. Back again from the beginning. I want you to repeat all of what you said, this time the right way." 

Now the wind was being taken out of my sails. I was well aware of the fact that any disobedience at this point would earn me a very serious spanking. 

"Come here and lie your head on my chest," he directed. 

I did not want to

But, I knew I had two choices. Obey, or be punished. I obeyed. 

I scooted over to him even though everything in me resisted. He pulled me into him, hard, and wrapped his arms around me. 

And the flood gates opened. 

I sobbed. Cried my heart out. Told him how scared I was, that I was afraid someone was still in the van. That I felt violated and hurt, and how terrible it was knowing someone went into my locker and took my keys and into my car and then went into my wallet and stole from me.

He held me and spoke soothingly as I cried. 

"Baby, I didn't know you were so scared," he said softly, as I sniffled into his chest. "This is why you were so upset. You've been holding it all in." 




I had been. 

"Listen," he said quietly. "This is why I tell you to be careful. This is why I don't want you leaving things unlocked, or where people can get into your personal things. I need you to be safe. I don't want you hurt." 

I nodded and sniffed. 

"Go downstairs and finish what you need to, then bring your book and come spend the night up here with me. I want you to feel safe, and cared for." 

I already did. 

Then he leaned over and gave me a good, hard swat. 

"That was not for punishment," he said. "But it was a reminder." 

A reminder that he loves me. 

A reminder that even though I get overwhelmed and irritable and overwrought, that I can come to him, but I don't need to yell or be mean to say what I need to say. 

A reminder that our relationship is important, so I need to not lash out in my hurt.

That even when I feel violated, and the worries of the world have assaulted me, I can come to him. 

Because he is my leader. 

He is my rock. 

He is my safe place.



18 comments:

  1. That is a scary thing, JG. My husband is such a security freak that when I go to the gym (or anyplace I don't need my entire wallet) I only take my driver's license. There's never anything of value in my car so if they manage to steal my keys they won't get anything. Unless they steal the car. Another thing we do is have the address on our car registrations our business address so a thief won't have our home address. And on my navigation system the home address is the nearest busy intersection. Yeah, I think it's a bit over the top at times, but still, I like that extra bit of security.
    I'm glad Jason handled things in a way that made you feel safe.

    Holla

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi JGirl
    What a guy he is - a real saint but very firm its horrible to loose things or have them stolen Years ago when I went to university to do my sociology degree I deciced I would by a nice purse to keep my cards in and my money (bad bad BAD idea) I had been working over the summer and I cashed my last pay check which was if I remember right round about £80-£100 at lot of money in 1989! I only bought a uni scarg, sweat shirt, dinner in the canteen and my purse and had all my lovely new bank card, uni id card the lot plus the remainder of the money and I had also lodged my grant cheque in bank I went to a SU meeting and went to reach under my seat no purse. Checked all the pockets and rucksack - not there I raced back to the canteen - it was closed but the security got me in no sign or it there. Next day the canteen staff checked. I never found it all that wages gone I had to cancel my cards and pay for a new uni id card. TJ and I were only going out he scolded me and told me never ever to have the cards in the purse again - I now keep them separate at all times. I searched everywhere in bushes in the grounds to see if I could find the purse I never did. I think I must have left it down on the bench in the canteen and someone lifted it. It is a horrible feeling So I know how you feel - you had taken a lot of care unlike me.

    I wanted to cry when I read this JG I think that Jason handled this so well and again you can tell him I said he is saint - he will probably laugh but really that was such a good way to deal with it . How I long for that kind of direction its so beautiful.
    Lots of love and Hugs and hope you feel better now
    Jane

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jane. It is scary indeed when things are stolen. J will laugh when I tell him he is a saint, but he really did handle the entire situation perfectly.

      Delete
  3. Ugh JGirl, I am so sorry that happened to you! That is awful, but Jason handled it so well. He was able to make you feel loved & cared for & safe & especially after what happened, that is a wonderful space to be in. I am so glad you didn't get the "wicked spanking" in order to get there, stress relief, reminder, role afferemation, maintenance & sexy spankings are all great, but punishments really stink & I am glad he was able to take the wind out of your sails & reign you in without one.
    SHM ; )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh gosh, I completely agree. I think a punishment spanking would've been a horrible way to have this end, and I'm so glad he gave me some leniency. Truth be told, if I hadn't been so overwrought I'd have gotten in trouble for sure, but I'm glad we were able to avoid that.

      Delete
  4. Wow, I am so sorry that you went through all of that. I felt your pain and your fear.

    Jason sounds wonderful. I'm glad he supported you through your crisis, and that you did not get that "wicked spanking".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I didn't get it either. He really is wonderful, and I'm so grateful he helped me through this.

      Delete
  5. ((hugs)) This made me cry. So sorry you had your privacy invaded that way. It is scary. Glad you are okay and that Jason was there for you just how you needed him to be.

    love sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara, thanks so much for your support and understanding! It was a challenge but I'm glad it's behind us.

      Delete
  6. Hi JG, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It is an awful thing having your privacy violated like this. It seems to me that Jason is really strong and he gave you just what you needed, that safe place. I hope you are okay now
    love Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Jan, he is and that safe place is so important! Thanks for stopping by.

      Delete
  7. Hi JGirl. I've been reading your blog for a while now, but this is my first time leaving a comment. What an awful thing to have to go through, but Jason handled it expertly. So glad you were able to find your safe place again.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What I frightening experience! I would have freaked out too! But what a wonderful man you have there! So calm and in command! I am very glad you are okay and I hope you are feeling better now!

    Hugs
    Ami

    ReplyDelete
  9. Such a scary thing to have happen, but I'm so glad you were all safe. I think I would have been really shaken up over that as well. It's nice Jason helped you feel safer again.

    ReplyDelete
  10. YIKES! And even though they left your keys I hate to say it but think I'd still be wanting to get the locks on the house AND the van re-keyed. You never know if they made "impressions" of them.

    So sorry you had this happen. Hope you feel safer soon.

    ReplyDelete
  11. First of all, I am so sorry that this happened to you. How scary! But more than that, I absolutely loved your post and how it showed the strength in your love....from both of you. It was beautiful. I hope you're doing ok...I know it can be hard to feel secure after something like this happens.

    ReplyDelete
  12. (Blogger is acting up on me and stopped letting me reply directly to comments, for some reason. All comments are posting below instead of in reply to posters, so I'm putting them in order so it's not confusing.)

    Hello Unnamed (what a clever name and blog title, by the way!). Nice to "meet" you. It was awful, but it's funny how those trying times can make us grateful for what we have!

    Ami -- he's always Mr. "Cool, Calm, and Collected" and gosh sometimes, do I ever appreciate it.

    Riley -- it was scary, and I was quite shaken. Thanks for listening to me when it happened. It meant a lot to me!

    Rednakedy -- thanks for your feedback. That is a good point.

    Cathy, thank you. That made me smile. Funny how these things are awful when they happen but can be a good memory, when all is said and done, because of how we dealt with them together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holla, things like this sure do make you appreciate the "security freak" character trait!

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by! We'd love to hear from you.

Dissenting comments are welcome but please, be polite. Any rude or slanderous comments will not be published.