Saturday, November 30, 2013

Spanking in Anger

I've been batting around this topic in my head for a while now, and I wanted to process my thoughts a bit with a blog post. 

Should a Dom/Hoh ever spank when he or she is angry? 

Many will say no. However, I disagree. I think there is a time and a place for a righteous, angry spanking. In fact, in our experience here, there have been times an "angry husband" spanking has been actually quite welcome.

Please bear with me.

Jason is not a man given to temper. He is not a volatile person, and really keeps his temper in check. But there have been times I've pushed him over the edge. 



There have been a few times I've completely lost my temper, and without saying much of anything, he took me by the arm, placed me firmly over his knee or over the bed, and spanked me soundly. There's nothing like a good, hard spanking to stop my temper. When he was done, my irritability was calmed (funny how that works). I knew in the moment that I deserved a good spanking, and it was honestly a relief to be taken over his knee. When he was done, he was no longer angry. We spoke calmly to one another. He comforted me while I cried. And what could've been a long, drawn-out argument ended up having quite a peaceful resolution. 



There was one time I lost my temper at one of my children, shouted some things I never should've said, and Jason overheard me. He flew around the corner, took me by the arm, and led me to where our children couldn't see. Without a word, he bent me over his knee and spanked me hard. Then he said,  "Don't you ever let me hear you say that again," and marched off. Thoroughly chastened, I apologized to my child. Later that night, Jason said he'd been so angry when he heard me. We both knew I deserved a spanking and somehow, being caught off guard, bent over his knee, and firmly disciplined was more effective than a more formal spanking would've been. 

These are times when being spanked by an angry husband has been effective. 

But I've always deserved it. He's always been in control. And afterward, we had peace. In my own experience, I think those are key factors. 

There have been a few times an angry spanking has not brought about an immediate peace and resolution. 

There was one time I did something awful to betray his trust. I fessed up to him. He pulled me over his lap, and gave me the spanking of my life. He spanked me harder than I'd ever been spanked at that point. I could feel his anger with every single swat he gave me. I deserved it, and I took it, but what happened after was the worst part of all. He pushed me onto the bed, stood, and told me he couldn't talk to me. No aftercare. He left me in the room alone. 

I was heartbroken. A good friend urged me to give him his space, and I did. I went to him after some time, peering around the corner at him to see if I was welcome to go to him. He opened his arms to me. I ran to him, put my head in his lap, and cried. He held me until I fell asleep, and all was set to rights. 


Another time, he was angry with me, and I had a spanking coming. We only had a short time frame to be alone, so even though he was still furious, he spanked me. He was in complete control. It wasn't a terrible spanking. In fact, I think he likely took it easy on me because he knew he could hurt me. He offered me a hug after he spanked me, but I wouldn't go to him. I couldn't. There was still fire in his eyes, and it felt insincere. I left the room, shaking my head at him and crying, and he went to bed. The next morning, he was calm again. We talked it over, and that's when he made the decision that he would never again would he spank me when he was too angry to make it right again. 

He told me later, "I will never forget that look in your eyes." 

So now, if he's angry with me, he takes time and space to cool off. 

Just this past Monday, I infuriated him. The story of what happened is likely a post for a different time, and a different day as honestly I'm still processing. But I royally screwed up. In fact, I'm ashamed to admit I managed to break all four D's (dishonesty, danger, disrespect, and disobedience) all in one evening. I was almost immediately repentant. I showed him by being docile and quiet how sorry I was, and I asked his forgiveness.  He said at one point "this is not the time to push me," so I backed off and gave him his space.  But he waited five hours to spank me. He waited until he was calm and in the mental place to spank me and put all to rights again.

So, my personal opinion is that it's not always very feasible to say "don't spank in anger." It happens, and very likely will happen. And sometimes (as in the times when I've lost my temper and he gave me an on-the-spot spanking), it seems an angry spanking has its use.

But these are times when we are vulnerable, and easily hurt. When anger isn't checked, adrenaline surges and emotions run high. So in our experience, we found it best to prepare for those times by having a system in place. He has agreed to withdraw and calm down, and I have agreed to give him that space. 

I'd love to see how others feel about this. What are your thoughts on anger in DD? Do you think there's a time and a place? What kinds of things do others do to prevent further hurt during times when there is anger? 

35 comments:

  1. SM has done all of the above and I don't have a problem with any of it. Truly.

    I agree that an on the spot angry spanking is sometimes extremely effective.

    SM hasn't really had to cool down to spank me as he never really seems to lose his head.

    We did have one spanking that went terribly wrong but that was because he smacked the arch of my foot. I don't know why that bothered me so much but it did. We talked it out and he won't do that again. It was in the beginning of this DD though.

    Great post like always

    love sara

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    1. Hi, Sara, thanks for your feedback! It's interesting how things we'd never thought would be an issue come up, but we can work through them and figure out what works best for each of us. Jason says we talk more now than we ever have, and I think he's right!

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  2. My hubby when his kids from the other marriage aren't there will lift my skirt or swat through my jeans when annoyed. Its just one to about maybe 30 spanks. He does it out of slight anger. The rare times he's really upset about something he doesn't spank.

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    1. Yes, it seems those immediate ones fueled by irritation are very effective. It does stink when they're really upset and withdraw. I find it hard to deal with. It's then that I want a spanking the most.

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  3. It's a good issue for couples to discuss. Thanks for posting.

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    1. Thanks, Leah. It's a topic we didn't discuss when we began, and I wish we had.

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  4. I think what is important about this is that the spanker remains *in control* when he is angry. That to me is vastly different from what I believe people envisage when they talk about never "spanking in anger". Quite honestly, if a potential HoH were *habitually* (and I accept that it could happen on a very rare rare occasion in others) not able to control himself, then it could well be the case that he isn't suited to DD.

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  5. H has spanked in anger and these do seem to be the ones in which he is not really ready to forgive afterwards but knows that he cannot carry on spanking as he could hurt. Therefore he must be in control I think.
    I'm not someone who likes to give space when he is angry, although I know he often needs it! So I would actually rather it was over and done with rather than long drawn out.

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    1. Janey, I hate giving him space when he's angry. I find it so difficult to do. I can hardly concentrate on anything else until all is right again. But here, I know that giving him his space is what brings about that resolution quickest. It's just how Jason is -- he has to go into his "man cave" to process.

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  6. Being "in control" is the key thing. It sounds like Jason has that part down pat. On the spot spankings for correction can be very effective. I agree with DisciplineandLove that someone who cannot control themselves probably shouldn't be in a DD/Ds relationship.
    Holla

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    1. Yep, all points I agree on. I have heard that some men given to temper are able to find they are more in control of themselves when it becomes necessary in DD. However, that is certainly a risk to take.

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  7. My H and I only use spanking to deal with my temper, so when I do get a spanking, H is usually angry but in control of himself. It is definitely effective in diffusing my temper and I know I deserve it when it happens. I definitely prefer the "on-the-spot" spankings to a long drawn out argument and tantrum. There have been a few times H didn't spank me because he was angry enough that he was afraid that he would hurt me. At least he realizes when he needs to step back. Those times are the hardest to deal with because I know I've really overstepped my bounds and it takes longer to set things to right again.

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    1. I think those "on the spot" spankings in the midst of my temper are the ones that, though hard to take, are most satisfying. They put an immediate end to any negative feelings either one of us may have. And I agree, that knowing I've really overstepped bounds and waiting for that resolution is awful. I'd rather have a serious spanking ten times over than deal with that guilt and distance between us.

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  8. My short answer, is yes spankings should almost always be given when angry. In most cases this is when they are most effective; at the point of heightened emotion where everything is most genuine.

    A spanking is a form of discipline designed to teach a lesson and when best to teach that lesson; as close as possible to the time such lapse of good judgement occurred. Honestly, much like spontaneous lovemaking, these unchoreographed acts of spontaneous disciple make for a longer lasting impression then scheduled and "rehearsed" spanking sessions. Of course sometimes things may need to be delayed, but should not be for too long.

    Granted the longer answer goes into the character of the man delivering the discipline and his self control. In brief and simpler words, a spanking should NEVER be a beating.

    We can discuss the long answer if you are interested.
    By the way, new here as I just discovered your blog.

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    1. Enzo, your response surprised me at first, but as I read your explanation I found I agree with the points you've made. An immediate response is certainly most effective, although sometimes having to mull over what I've done wrong before facing the music has also been quite effective.

      The character of the man delivering the discipline is absolutely essential. Jason has told me a true dominant must have self control and be willing to put his needs aside for his Sub.

      I'd love to hear you elaborate on your longer answer. Please do.

      I'm glad you've found your way here. I look forward to reading your blog as well.

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  9. I've not been in this position. However I can see how this is something that could "have it's use". Maybe during those times I'm being a testy brat? I wouldn't have an issue with it as I know Chase would still be in control (he's not an "angry" person) and it would be quite effective. I almost wonder if it's done later. After the "anger" has dwindled if it would be overlooked, forgotten or written off. That could leave me in a bad place. I'd be willing to say I'd rather take one in anger.

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    1. I agree. One of the best "benefits" of a Tih relationship is that cleansing of guilt. I'd rather take an angry spanking than have the offense ignored for sure.

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  10. I think this is a really great post, on a controversial topic. Like you mention, spanking when angry and IN control, is much different than just plain old spanking when angry. I agree that the most effective spankings, are those on the spot, no time to wait for it, kind of spankings.

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    1. Thanks, Kenz. Although they are hard to take, those immediate ones are the ones I think I wanted more than anything before we began DD. I used to um...really have a temper. :-/ Still working on it lol....

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  11. I agree, on the spot swats are effective and stop my attitude in its tracks when I'm being bratty. I've been immediately reprimanded in this way quite a few times!
    JG ..l love your writing and your take on Dd/D's really resonates with me.
    My hoh and l are finding our feet in the lifestyle and its a learning curve for us both.
    I've lurked for ages but today l plucked up courage to post...
    Best wishes
    Misty

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    1. Hi, Misty. Nothing like a surprise swat to stop the attitude!

      I'm so glad you stepped out and said "hi." Thanks for stopping by, and I wish you the best as you find your way!

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  12. What a wonderful, thoughtful, and mature post. I agree with you that anger (if it's not lack of self-control) can be a legitimate reason and time to spank. Sometimes a short, sharp shock is far kinder than the cold wars and resentment. I think it's also fair for one person to spank in anger and say, "I forgive you and still love you, but I need some space right now." It's a tough situation and not everyone can handle it, but then some relief comes with being forgiven.

    The reason I would say spanking in anger could be wrong: when it is used to lash out rather than to correct. If the HoH spanks as a way to de-stress after a hard day, for example, without letting his or her partner know what's going on, that crosses a line. If a spanker ever feels like "I want to spank and don't feel like I can stop myself," that would be a red flag.

    But since you describe a situation not at all like that, then you have come to a place of understanding. Really...well done. I respect you both.

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    1. Ana, I agree about lashing out -- there is no place for that in DD. It's the surest way to lose a Sub's/Tih's trust.

      And thank you. :)

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  13. I agree with you & pretty much all the other commenters, angry but controlled spankings can be very effective. I also would much rather have a punishment over & done with right away & not have it be drawn out but with kids it's not always possible.....that said there have been a few times where my husband needed to calm down before spanking me & as hard as it was to wait I did the same as you described-I was quiet & very well behaved, I gave him his space & made sure not to poke the bear in any way while he was processing & getting himself prepared for punishing me. When the punishment came I held still, I stayed totally still even though it was very hard to take & afterward he told me he knew how sorry I was & was able to forgive me so much faster because of how I had handled myself both before & during my spanking. So I agree-the key is control-any HoH who cannot maintain control should really not be one.
    Thanks for sharing
    SHM ; )

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    1. You made a great point, SHM. We had a similar situation the other night, and I think my cooperative attitude (before and during the spanking) did make it easier on both of us.

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  14. HI JG, My husband has spanked me when he was angry a couple of times. It didn't do me any harm and actually I think it enabled us to talk more afterwards. Somehow we both needed to make amends and we felt closer really.
    love this post
    love Jan.xx

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    1. It has for sure made us closer. Thanks, Jan.

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  15. Great post!
    I agree that we all lose our tempers at times. And the key to any kind of discipline is whether or not it is controlled.

    My husband has given me on the spot swats (hard ones!), when I have angered him.

    But he doesn't lose his temper often. Most of my longer punishments have been after the kids are sleeping, and he has had a chance to calm down.

    That's by necessity, though, because they are almost always nearby. :)

    Great post!
    Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thanks, Katherine! Yes, I can completely relate to that. We also have kids here and the majority of discipline spankings take place after they're in bed and SOUND asleep lol.

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  16. I've never been spanked in anger and I know it sounds silly but I've fantasized about it. There's something about a man (ok my man) being so upset that he throws me over his knee all caveman like. It just makes me feel all warm and subby. I guess maybe it's also sexy that he's angry but in charge enough that he won't go overboard (hopefully!) My HOH doesn't have a temper, at least not so far that I have seen. I've yet to be so bratty that he's had to immediately throw me over his knee. The idea of an immediate spanking is such a turn on lol can't help it. Great post Jason's girl!

    Julia B.

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  17. Julia, that doesn't sound at all silly. There is something about that total loss of control and the appeal of completely trusting him and being at his mercy that is deeply erotic. It just is. In the moment, it can be hard to take, but that authoritative feel to a serious punishment spanking really is very erotic.

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  18. What happens when YOU are angry or otherwise not ready? Is the spanking ever delayed because of your state of mind?

    I know when I am angry or just not feeling submissive, I have this way of blocking pain and laying there like dead fish, waiting for him to finish his thing. Feels like a root canal. Or I fight back, and am overpowered physically but not emotionally. Completely pointless. We need to be in our roles first and I need to be a bit repentant already for the spanking to work. Then it's all as you describe.

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