Saturday, December 7, 2013

Chocolate, Flowers, and a Spanking

Sometimes, the most serious spankings are the ones that become my favorite memories. 

I've been trying to process through this. It seems it should be contradictory. It seems I'd want to banish those memories. But no. Those are the ones I bring up, back in my mind, and they give me comfort in solace. They are the ones that become deeply erotic memories. Although at the time they are awful to endure, they are the ones I hold onto. 

Why is it that the serious times are the ones I hold onto the most? As one friend said, "It's because they fix what is broken." 

That is definitely part of it. 

I think it's also that there is complete trust, and complete surrender in being seriously punished. And the forgiveness and reconnection after is always amazing.

At the time, it's difficult to endure. It hurts being spanked, and the emotional hurt of knowing I've done something deserving of serious punishment is also hard to bear. 


I've written about some of the serious spankings I've gotten, processing through my thoughts and feelings at the time like A Memorable Spanking  and How Can a Spanking Make Me Feel Loved? But some of them have been too raw, too difficult to write about, too personal. And still, they are what I remember. 

Yesterday, I got a serious punishment spanking. Honestly, it was a rough DD day for me. There are times when I think, "This is it. I'm going to frustrate him and push him away." I think, "No one would put up with me, and all the ways I fail." I think, "How can he still be here to catch me when I keep falling over, and over, and over again?" 

It's not that I don't try hard to obey him. I really do. In fact, just this week he said, "You really do behave so well, the majority of the time. Just sometimes you slip up. Sometimes you need me to spank that brat out of you. Sometimes you need me to help you get back on track." 

I am so thankful he feels that way. 

I started the day off being pretty grumpy. It was one of those mornings -- no one could find their shoes, it was cold, there was stuff out of place everywhere I turned, little ones were pulling on my legs and whining, and it went on and on. I finally got the little ones dressed and occupied before I went to have a private morning check-in with Jason. But before I did, I managed to grump at him and mutter a "fine" under my breath. Long story short, my morning check-in spanking ended up being harder than it would've been, and I had my texting privileges removed for the morning so I could focus on what needed to be done. I did what I had to do, and when Jason left for the day I felt focused, and on my game, and thankful he'd set me straight. 

But things unraveled as the day went on. 

I have a few health rules. I have some goals I'm trying to achieve, and Jason has promised me he will help me achieve those goals by holding me accountable. One of the agreements we have is that I am to stick to my diet -- I'm not allowed to have any sweets without permission, except on the weekends. I've agreed to this rule. I suggested this rule. It honestly helps me, having my health rules in place, to stay on track.

Well, I was stressed. I was done. And in a fit of temper and irritability, I went to the cabinet and got out the chocolate. Just a little the voice in the back of my mind began. He'll understand, it continued. When you tell him how stressed you were, he'll let you off the hook. 


So what did I do? I intentionally and deliberately disobeyed the rule. I felt guilty but even in the moment, I pushed all thoughts of guilt aside. 

But as the afternoon wore on, the other little voice began. 

You told him before he went to work today you would obey all your health rules, said the little voice. I started feeling a little nervous. I'd also slipped up on a few other fairly small things, and I wondered how he would react. Sometimes he is strict with me, but sometimes he knows I need mercy. 

When I picked him up, I told him I had some things to tell him. I told him...everything...and when I got to the chocolate, his voice dropped. 

"Oh. So you chose to disobey a rule. And you did it on purpose." 

Crap. 

"Yes," in a little voice. "But it was only a little...and I ate it with trail mix...and I thought maybe you'd let it go." 

"Let it go? How can I let it go? You told me you wouldn't disobey your health rules today. But you chose to disobey. It doesn't matter if it was only a little. The bottom line is, you disobeyed me and you didn't do what you said you would." 

My stomach dropped to my feet. He was right, and I knew it. But then, the little voice pushed me to tell the truth, all the truth, and nothing but the truth. 

"Well...I have to tell you something else then." 

"What's that?"

"It wasn't the first time I've done this." 

"You mean to tell me you've broken this rule before and not told me?" 

Tears came to my eyes as I whispered, "Yes." 

He reached over and gave me the hand signal that tells me I'm getting a spanking.

And I knew then. It wasn't the chocolate. It's not about chocolate. He's not rigid about my rules and when I've tried hard, it's not uncommon for him to surprise me with a bar of chocolate, or a treat. In fact, I had nearly a whole week off near Thanksgiving. 

It's about honesty. And obedience. And trust. 

I'd blown it. 

But he didn't lecture me. He didn't get angry. He reached for my hand, and squeezed it. 

"I love you," he said. "And being honest is important in our marriage. I want you to know I forgive you. Later on, you'll have your consequence for your disobedience. But then we will let it go." 

I cried a bit. I felt so awful. He's so good to me. 

We had errands to run. He went into the store and to my surprise, when he came back, he handed me a bouquet of flowers, a beautiful holiday bouquet. 




"Notice the color of this bouquet, baby girl?" he asked. 

I smiled shyly. "Red." 

"You know why they're red, don't you?" 

I nodded. Because I knew the flowers weren't going to be the only red thing he'd give me that evening.

As we drove home, I said "Thanks for helping me with this. I know I messed up, but you're helping me face it." 

He reached out and put his hand on my neck and squeezed. "I look at it this way. I love you. You made a mistake. But I want you to know, it's still going to be okay." 

We got home, and I began preparing dinner. To my surprise, he came into the kitchen. 

"The kids are situated and in the other room. Let's get this over with." 

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, but I obeyed him and followed him to the stairs. He took me by the arm, pointed to the stairs, and his gentle demeanor fled. He grew stern, as he led me to our bedroom. 

"Sit on the bed," he instructed. I hung my head like a naughty girl, knowing it wasn't going to be easy. 

He locked the door, then turned, rolled up his sleeves, and off came the belt. 

I didn't see him remove it, because at this point I'd covered my face with my hands. But I heard the clink of the buckle. Somehow I knew I was going to get the belt. The past few serious spankings have all been the belt. 

"Stand up. Off with the pants and bend over the bed." 

I obeyed him as quickly as possible, before my courage fled. 




"Why are you getting a spanking?" he asked in a hard voice before the first stroke landed. 

"Because I disobeyed you and I was dishonest," I said quickly, squeezing my eyes shut and holding onto the bedspread. 

"And do naughty girls who don't obey get put over the lap?" 

"No," I whispered. 

He strapped me long and hard, while lecturing me on the importance of trusting him, and obeying him. It was a hard lecture to endure, as he asked me questions while the belt fell, and I struggled to answer. I find it so hard to answer him when I'm being spanked so firmly, but I did my best. 

"Do you know how important it is that you tell me the truth?" 

"Yes, sir," I responded, as he spanked me. 

"I trust you to be honest with me about our rules. These rules are here to help you. And I can't help you if you're not honest with me." 

Swat. Swat. Swat

At one point he paused, leaned over and rubbed me, and talked to me. I don't remember what he said, something about being a good girl who does as she's told. I knew instinctively he wasn't done, and I was right. He stood back up, and continued to strap me. 

"I expect you to obey me. Are you going to obey me?" 

"Yes, sir. I will. I'm so sorry!" I said. 

And then he was done. He leaned over and rubbed me, for a long time, talking quietly to me. 

"Would you like some lotion now?" he asked softly, and I nodded. I love when he puts lotion on me after a spanking. It doesn't always happen. He went to the bathroom, came back with the lotion, and rubbed it all over. 

I felt...content. At peace. Deeply loved, and taken care of. 

"Come here, now," he said softly, and I knelt in front of him and put my head in his lap. 

Usually after a serious punishment spanking, I cry. Usually, I feel terrible, sometimes for days even. But I didn't. I felt nothing but completely secure and loved. I felt so happy in his arms, my head on his lap. 

I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. 

"Chocolate, flowers, and a spanking," he said with a chuckle. "Sounds like the title of a blog post." 

I smiled. "I think it does," I responded. "I think I will use that." 

So that's what I got yesterday...

Stolen chocolate...

Red "you're in trouble" flowers...

And a spanking that somehow made everything better.





18 comments:

  1. Jason Girl,
    I am glad we have found one another. Great post......... I have a question. How do you and Jason keep all this from the children? Spankings can be loud and little ears hear. Have you done any soundproofing? Do they know what is going on? A locked door can't prevent the noise. Just wondering! Jack and I are empty nesters. He often closes the wwindows in the warmer months and I know that the spanking will be difficult.
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
  2. Meredith, this is a really great question, as many who live this dynamic have to balance family and DD. In fact, I've been toying with the idea of writing a post devoted to this subject, as there's so little out there. Maybe I will this week.

    Our kids do NOT know I am spanked. It is very important to me and Jason that we keep that hidden. I am spanked very often, though, so we do a few things to make sure we have our privacy. First, our bedroom is on the opposite side of the house from our family room. Our house is old and the walls are thick. Even if someone is standing at the foot of the stairs and my door is shut, I can't hear a thing and vice versa. So when our kids are in the family room they are far away from us and they definitely cannot hear anything. In the morning for our maintenance-type check-in, we have the kids go in the family room and have the older kids make sure the younger ones stay with them. We just say "mommy and daddy need to have a private conversation" and it works fine. We have our privacy, and it's a short spanking usually. This is what we did the night I wrote about here.

    For most punishment spankings, we typically wait until they are in bed asleep, so they hear nothing. Also, we have a few implements that are quiet (the loopy johnny and a dowel that is similar to a cane.) So when we've needed to be quiet, we've used those.


    ReplyDelete
  3. how sweet. I love how he made light of the situation but stayed consistent. this deliberate disobedience was what iwas talking about yesterday..... not sure where that will go until later today.....but my question for you.....why on earth do we do this!? I suppose I'd best ask myself :-\ great post sweets, and i LOVE that he titled it for you :-D muah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why do we do this? Ack! Because we don't know what's good for us!

      It made me laugh that he titled it for me!

      Delete
  4. Hi Jason Girl. I was messing around on my iPad and clicked on something...not sure what that did. I think I +1'd you. lol

    I can totally relate to this post and I love that at the end of the day, what's done is done. Clean slate and a lot of love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! I have no idea what the 1+ thing is, but it's all good. ;)

      Yes...a clean slate makes it all worth it!

      Delete
  5. I swear my kids are going to have hearing loss someday after all the times we've cranked up the volume on the movies they're watching or the music in their rooms while Mommy and Daddy "take a nap".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too funny, Leah! Mom and Dad have "lots of private conversations." ;)

      Delete
  6. Oh JGirl, my heart just melted for you, I could feel your love for him, and his love for you. He's got you, really got you, in every situation. You are one blessed woman. :) And how great of him to spank you sooner than later so that it wasn't hanging over you all night.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He totally does, and I completely agree! It feels so nice to know even the smallest things are important to him. It's funny how a discipline session can make me feel so loved!

      Delete
  7. I would love for you to do a post about how you keep it from the kids. For us, we usually just wait until they're sleeping but our house is small and if we're still here once they get older, it will be a problem.

    I might steal your idea about eating sweets. I think I need some "health" rules as well. Plus, the idea of having to ask Foothills permission to have sweets is attractive to me. :)

    I also hate the sound of the belt coming off. Something about it makes it just a forewarning of what's to come...

    Enjoyed your post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Tori. I will definitely write a post on that.

      As hard as it is at times, it is *so* helpful to have that accountability at times. Good luck!

      Yes...that belt sound is heart-stopping. Even when he's getting dressed, my heart does a little leap hearing it!

      Delete
  8. Great post, I also have had times when I take days to get over letting him down even after a spanking, so glad that didn't happen for you this time-so cute that he picked the title for you. I loved that he told you before you even went home that yes there would be a conciquence that he already forgave you & that although you made a mistake it was going to be ok. I think that was great & although he was stern & let you know you failed he never let you feel like a failur-I think their is a big difference between the two & he did a really great job-so glad you got exactly what you needed & that although it was hard to take you felt so good emotionally & mentally afterward.
    Scarlet ; )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even with that certainty of punishment, the way he was with me made me feel like I trusted him. I totally agree with you that knowing I made a mistake and knowing it didn't define me are two totally different things, and the fact he made that distinction made all the difference.

      Delete
  9. All of that sounds so lovely. Hey, you left out "lotion" in your title ;) That's one of my faves! DD is hard but those little things do make it easier. The sweet and strictness is always an interesting juxtaposition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point! Chocolate, flowers, lotion, and a spanking. That is a winning combination. And I agree on that sweet/strict blend...it's that dominance that is so reassuring!

      Delete
  10. Chocolate, flowers, and a spanking? I say it sounds perfect. ;) This post does a great job at pointing out the struggles of DD, as well as all the positive things it can do for a relationship.

    By the way, his lecturing seems spot on! Dannngg girl! Lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kenzie. And yes, he has certainly mastered the fine art of the lecture!

      Delete

Thanks for stopping by! We'd love to hear from you.

Dissenting comments are welcome but please, be polite. Any rude or slanderous comments will not be published.