What I did, and why I did it, are really irrelevant. The bottom line is, I failed to do what I'd promised him I'd do. I lost my patience and yelled at my kids. And both of those are spankable offenses here.
Before he spanked me, I lost my temper again and said some things I shouldn't have, and I very quickly landed myself in a boatload of trouble. He locked the door, ordered me over his lap, and spanked me soundly. I was wound up, feeling guilty, emotional. But as he spanked me, the negative feelings I had began to dissipate. At one point I resisted, and while firmly lecturing me on the importance of obeying him and trusting him (he's a master at lecturing), he locked my legs down with his, as he continued to spank me.
Finally, the resistance I felt inside melted, and instead of thinking things like, "He's not being fair," and "I don't want a spanking!" I began to think "He's right," and "What the hell got into me?" and.... truth be told.... "I deserve this."
As reality dawned on me, a new feeling took over.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out.
And the spanking ended.
"That's what I was waiting to hear," he said softly.
Sometimes I'm saying "I'm sorry" way before he even begins. Sometimes in the middle of a sound spanking I'm saying "I'm sorry." But he can always tell by my demeanor and my tone of voice when I'm really, truly sorry. And when I said "I'm sorry," last night, I truly was repentant.
He stood up, and gently pushed me off his lap. I slithered from the bed onto my knees, buried my face in my arms, and wept. I don't always cry like that. But I did last night. I wasn't crying because the big ol' meanie spanked me. I was crying because I deserved the spanking and I'd behaved poorly. I was crying because the entire experience was charged, emotional, and intense. I was crying because I needed to.
"Come here," he said softly. "Come on the bed with me so I can hold you." He laid down and I crept up onto the bed, sniffling my way into his arms, where he held me and I wept.
"Get it all out," he whispered. "It's okay, baby girl."
And I cried because I'm special to him, his baby girl, and things like me getting overwhelmed are important to him. I cried because I'm important to him. I cried because I was wrong, and I'd treated him badly.
I didn't cry long. The feelings that came over me were intense, powerful, as they swept over me and I couldn't control my need to cry. But soon, while he held me and kissed my tears away, I felt nothing but deep contentment and peace.
He doesn't like spanking me. He was exhausted last night. He'd much rather be watching a movie with me, or reading a book, or taking me out on a date. Taking his belt to my naughty backside as punishment is pretty damn low on his list of favorite things to do.
But he does it because he loves me. He says he knows I need it.
And he's right.
This post is for all of you out there who crave discipline.
Sexy spankings are incredibly hot. Those of us who enjoy being spanked find nothing more arousing than a strong, stern man administering a firm spanking. I get my fair share of sexy spankings, and I love them.
Stress relief, role affirmation, and maintenance spankings are, for many of us, deeply emotionally satisfying, in a way that sexy spankings aren't and punishment spankings don't fulfill. In fact, those are my favorite kinds of spankings. They are serious enough to satisfy the emotional need of being taken in hand. They go beyond the erotic. But they are without the negative feelings associated with punishment.
But for many of us, there is something deeply, undeniably appealing about serious punishment spankings. In fact, the thought of serious punishment is darkly erotic to me in a way that other spankings aren't. This doesn't mean punishment spankings are arousing. To me, they are not. But the fact that my husband consistently and firmly takes me in hand when I need it is deeply erotic.
Above all, I can't help but admire my strong, authoritative husband who doesn't let me get away with my attitude. Last night, before he spanked me, I said something pushy, and he stopped me mid-sentence with a firm, "That's enough." Before he spanked me, as he locked the door and picked up his belt, he said "you think long and hard about whether or not you want to give me an attitude before I spank you."
He is dominant. But he balances that dominance and authority with so much kindness, gentleness, and attention, I can't help but feel deeply loved.
I feel important to him. He didn't spank me because I didn't shine his shoes, or because he was irritated. He spanked me because I didn't do what I said I would, and because I didn't, my day unraveled. He doesn't want me be overwhelmed. He values honesty in our relationship. In the end, he spanked me because I fought him, and I was being bratty. It wasn't because he was on a power trip. It's because he values peace and harmony in our relationship.
The irony is...he spanks me because my happiness is important to him. He spanks me because our relationship is important to him.
Being firmly, consistently, and lovingly disciplined by the man who loves me and leads me, satisfies the need I have deep, deep within me...
...to be treasured.
...to be taken care of.
...to be lovingly instructed, and taught.
...to be coached into being a better person.
Many who enjoy spanking don't desire discipline and of course that's understandable. But for those of us who do, I want to delve deep into this desire for discipline. It's complex, widely misunderstood, and multi-faceted.
It can be confusing, and troubling, and difficult to reconcile. And maybe we never will truly get to the bottom of it, but I'd like to try to at least shed a bit of light on the subject. Over the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be exploring the desire for discipline. This is part-one in a three part series, because I think it's worth discussing.
So I ask you, readers, to tell me how you feel. Do you crave discipline? Even if you find it difficult to endure, does it satisfy an emotional, physical, or psychological need for you?