Friday, December 27, 2013

Craving Discipline, part two: The Problem of Being Good

This is part two in a three-part series I'm working on, on craving discipline. Part one is here. I hope to have part three (The Erotic Appeal) up next week. There are many who benefit from this lifestyle who really could take or leave the discipline aspect. Some find it beneficial to have a DD dynamic, but don't really crave it. Some like spanking but don't like discipline. But there are some of us who really and truly crave being taken in hand. They find it deeply satisfying, emotionally and psychologically. So this is an attempt at digging deep into this desire and exploring it a bit.

Those of us who crave discipline oftentimes find that a funny thing happens. We don't like being punished. Really, it is hard to take. We prefer not being punished, of course, and try hard to make sure this doesn't happen. But when a bit of time lapses between punishment sessions, we begin to feel a bit off. Unsettled. Antsy. Even sad. This is confusing. We know we don't want to be punished. So today I wanted to discuss this. Why do we feel this way? And what can we do about it?

When I am disciplined, I feel loved. I feel important to Jason. 

The week before Christmas, I could hardly go two days without ending up tipped over his knee. One time, I decided I was going to skip taking my supplements (that helps me sleep) because it was a calcium supplement and I'd had many calcium-rich foods that day. The reality is, I hate taking that supplement because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The reality is, it's one of my rules. The reality is, I tossed and turned all night, not having taken it. So when I told him the next day, I got a spanking for it (and guess who put a huge bottle of swallowable tabs in my stocking?!). It seems like a trivial thing...to be disciplined for not taking one teeny supplement. But when he spanked me for it, I knew that he takes even the little things seriously. That I'm important to him. That he wants me rested, and healthy, because he loves me. So even though I didn't want to be disciplined, it brought security to me that he would care enough to spank me. 

Before that, I got a serious spanking for losing my temper and yelling at him in front of my kids. It was no walk in the park...it was honestly one of the hardest spankings I've ever gotten. But in the end, I knew I'd been wrong. I knew I deserved a spanking, and it's because he values peace in our family that he made a big deal of it. The lecture beforehand, the serious spanking, and the aftercare that followed, brought us closer together, when all was said and done.

So being disciplined is difficult. Certainly, I'd prefer a stress relief role affirmation, or sexy spanking any day. 

Here's the catch: the discipline is the part about our dynamic I like the least, but the part I need the most. 

Why? 

There is so much good that comes from being disciplined. There is a clean slate. I feel like nothing is between us, nothing left unsaid, no more hurt or anger. I feel cherished, and important to him. I feel motivated, and encouraged to do what I need to, and the list goes on. 

But I do try hard to avoid being disciplined, and when time elapses, I start to feel off. Niggling doubt starts creeping in. In the beginning, I used to wonder things like Does he still care? Does he really want to still do this for me? Does it matter to him? But over time, that doubt has dwindled and I rarely struggle with that anymore, as he's proven himself time and time again. 

Now it's more like an itch I can't scratch. A desire to be dominated. I want to feel that loving protection of his strength. 

I want to know he's got me. I want to know I'm important to him. I want that feeling of being loved, and protected, and cared for. 



The problem of being good...

So what do we do when we feel this way? 

Many find (and I've found myself) that consciously or without even meaning to, they push. Maybe they'll break a rule. I've found myself "poking the bear." A little attitude will creep into my voice. I might "jokingly" (or not so jokingly?) disobey him. But as I've thought about this, I think it's dishonest. I don't like playing games like that, so I try to avoid doing it. I think "bratting" to get a spanking isn't really the most honest way to approach my need to be put in my "happy submissive place." 

A few months ago, I decided I was going to do what worked better than anything else: brutal honesty. So I came to him and told him. 

I like how I feel after you discipline me. 

When time goes by and I haven't been disciplined, I feel the need to push you. 

I just want to know you've got me. I want to feel your strength. I need to know you still care. 

And after I've explained this all to him...and we've had several conversations about it...it's become easier. Now I go to him and tell him where I am. He doesn't like me hiding my emotions or feelings and wants it all out on the table. So I tell him. 

I feel the need to push right now. 

And because we've talked about this, and we know why and how this happens, he always knows what to do. He reminds me that he loves me. Sometimes he will say something simple like, "Be a good girl and go to bed. You're tired." And that's all I need. 

Sometimes he will say things like he did last week. "You're mine. You know that, don't you?" 

Sometimes he will sternly remind me to follow his lead. "If you even think about being a brat, I will put you over my knee and paddle you soundly." 

And that all helps. 

But sometimes, he knows I need more. He will order me upstairs, have me stand against the wall, and he will spank me firmly, reminding me who's in charge, going over his expectations, telling me he loves me and will take care of me. 

And this all helps. This satisfies that desire I have, to be taken care of by him, that emotional need I have to be taken in hand. 

I'd love to hear from you, readers. Do you feel this way? What do you find helps when you are feeling the need to push? 





26 comments:

  1. I absolutely feel this way, it really was like having my own thoughts & feelings revealed as I read your post. I really can't say what has worked for me because so far I have not been able to get to a solution with my husband yet. I have taken steps though, I have started telling him (most of the time), when I feel the need to "poke the bear". We are still working on all of this stuff now. It seems that he is able to acknowledge when my "spank tank" is low or I am starting to feel the need to push but he is not really sure how to handle it. We will figure it out in time I am sure ; ) thanks so much for this post it may help me to get one step closer to communicating my needs & having them met.
    Scarlet

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    1. Scarlet, I'm glad you can relate! I think that communicating needs and wants, etc., is so important but difficult to do at times, especially when our thoughts and feelings can be confusing at times. I'm glad you can relate, and I hope you find you and your husband are able to find what works for you!

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  2. I'm not sure why but I'm fighting back tears. you hit something emotional here. it must be that I crave even more. that discipline/punishment factor. it's not strong with us now. and even after he's stopped my brat in her place I desire more. I was so unsuccessful with explaining this to him before that I'm now afraid too. afraid he'll pull away again and that I'll kill our progress but i feel those moments when I want to push. when it's been days since I've been spanked for any kind of reason and istart to feel a lack of that protecting dominance, I feel alone and uncared for, lost, sad, unable to focus. the emotions get overwhelming and i start feeling irritable. I hate that the brat comes out. that i am tempted to push him. to make sure he's still got me. it really does feel dishonest. I like how you go about explaining this need. how to satisfy your desires. perhaps I just used the wrong words before and wasn't building his confidence in his dominance. I do find that sitting at his feet or curling up on the couch with my head in his lap pulls me back to him. it helps. but there are times I'm too upset to even consider doing this. I stumble around the house a mess myself, cleaning up the messes left behind and quickly losing my patience and my tongue. perhaps I need new words, a different approach for him to fully understand that deep need to be led, to be taken in hand. for now one day at a time is what I do. <3 Coral

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    1. Coral, I can relate completely to what you said. I know as you two are working on restoring things between the two of you, it will be challenging. It's difficult because you do need to communicate your needs, but you don't want to push him away again. He might struggle with the discipline aspect. You're not alone there...there are many Tih's whose husbands dislike the discipline aspect and won't consent to it. Maybe it will take some time. I think your idea of one day at a time is the best approach.

      One thing I did find helpful was telling him how I felt and asking him to help me. Instead of saying "I feel this and need this from you" I said "I feel this way. Can you please help me? What should I do?" And that helped us a lot.

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  3. Jason Girl,
    Another excellent, honest post. I, too, feel the urge to act out when things are too smooth and easy. I want those same things you feel. Looking forward to part three.
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you, Meredith! It is hard fighting that urge to act out for sure.

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  4. Two things really stood out for about this post:
    1. That in punishing you, he is showing he cares. For me, that it's affirmation that my husband has been paying attention to me and the little details of our dynamic.

    2. I've heard many comments about the "clean slate" after a punishment, but it never resonated with me. When you said that "nothing was left unsaid", I get it. The whole lecture, discussion, after care package really puts the issue on the table

    This is a great series!

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    1. Hi, Leah.

      I agree, that affirmation is one of the wonderful benefits of a Tih dynamic. And yes, the whole package of discipline does put it all on the table. It's a method of conflict resolution, tied up with intimacy, with an erotic appeal. No wonder it appeals to so many of us.

      Glad you are liking the series! :)

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  5. The book "Conquer Me" explains these feelings well and what to do about them, particularly in the chapter with the same title. Finding a number of things that work for you is helpful. Then he has a variety pack to choose from! Whatever symbolic actions convey that he has "conquered" or is exercising the dominance you need can be among them -- spanking of various kinds (but maybe experiment with other things first?), kneeling, affirmations from either side, constraint, firm holding or fondling, tender or passionate affection, the kind of sex you need, etc.

    Beth Elle

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    1. Beth Elle, a blog reader recently recommended that book, but I haven't read it yet. I will have to give it a look. I like those ideas a lot. Thank you!

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  6. All I can say right now is 'Wow", JGirl. So spot on. It definitely resonates with me,j and I'm going to be sifting and re-reading what you wrote, so as to let it sink in more and more. So much valuable information to process........

    I think I'll need to send you an email to cover it all :)

    Looking forward to part three......

    Sadie

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    1. I'm so glad it resonated with you, and I look forward to hearing from you. :)

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  7. Hi JG,
    I think what you wrote is lovely and so true. I have never tried to actively break rules or misbehave, but I am pretty sure that subconsciously my needs have worked into that direction, just as you described it. I also need this feeling of being protected and cared for and on a deeper level reactions and behaviour reflect that. I really had to laugh, because there are so many similarities. Obviously your husband has this ability to read you like an open book, too, and knows when you need more than usual. My hubby does almost the same things, such as walking up and stating that I am his and such moments are important for me to feel cherished, loved and cared for. .

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    1. Yes, he really does read me well, and I love that. It's such a wonderful feeling! Such small little things make such a huge difference in how we feel.

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  8. The temptation is certainly there when things are going 'smoothly' to brat, although it certainly goes against everything we are trying to achieve with ttwd. I agree that the dominance from an emotionally involved punishment spanking is like no other- at least for us.
    For us there is always a sense that I could most likely stop the proceedings of any other type of spanking if I truly wanted it to stop. With punishment that is certainly NOT the case. The loss of control in that situation is very comforting...although confounding to be certain!

    I started to read Conquer Me a year ago, but it didn't resonate with me as I had no real emotional point of reference. I started again a few weeks ago, although slowly due to the time of year, and it seems to hit its mark more now.

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    1. "The loss of control in that situation is very comforting...although confounding to be certain!"

      It is, isn't it? I completely agree! Being able to stop it would somehow remove the authenticity, I think.

      I am very curious about that book!

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  9. I do find I have to fight the urge to brat. I sometimes am so good he says, that he can step back... but when I find him doing that, I wonder if he'll still be there for me, and when that starts to happen, I notice I start slipping. I don't mean to, but I do it all the same. And then, I find he doesn't step up, and so then I have to tell him where I've not been following the rules, blatant ones I don't see how he misses, and then he still doesn't always deal with it because he feels it's his fault for not noticing. So these are things we're working on, and I'm not coming to him when I'm feeling distant to let him know as well, and often we'll have a maintenance, or he'll cuddle me, or give me an order, and they all help. It's a work in progress, but it's progressing. :) I loved your post, thank you for sharing, and I am very excited to read the final chapter in this series. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. These are difficult things to work through, Es May, but as each couple finds their way, it's so very important. I love how patient you are as you work through things. You are an example to me!

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  10. Yet another powerful post, JGirl. The depth of this is profound. I'm going to share it with J. The connection you and Jason have is wonderful.

    Happy New Year!!

    Hugs,
    Sadie

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    1. Thank you! And Happy New Year to you!

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  11. Goodness. What great information you have provided. You spoke to everything I have been thinking about over the past weeks. Reading others responses has been helpful in knowing what I am experiencing is not abnormal. I, too, plan to use your series as a point of reference in working through of my issues. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I'm so glad you have found the post and comments here helpful, Catherine! Thanks for stopping by.

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  12. This is an excellent post, and an extremely relevant topic. The needing a "punishment-style" spanking vs. really not wanting it is something I have struggled with for a long long time. I agree that brutal honesty with your HOH is vital in this situation. After having a conversation about this with my husband he told me that it was okay for me to "brat" in order to let him know that I needed to feel his dominance. I usually try so very hard to obey and keep in the right frame of mind, so anytime I start being playfully sarcastic or say something like "oh yeah, or what?" after being given an instruction, he knows what I need. He has told me he likes it better this way so he feels he has something to spank me for. He has a hard time spanking me through the tears (I cry easily) if he feels like I never do anything wrong. And best of all, I don't have to feel bad about bratting because it is an agreed upon and acceptable thing to do if I just miss his firm hand. However, if there is any sort of issue I would be expected to approach him with it instead. Sorry for the lengthy comment, but I thing this topic may be worthy of novel-length discussion :)

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    1. Please don't apologize for the lengthy comment. I love hearing others' responses, and I enjoy the dialogue very much.

      I love that you two have found what works for you. When we can communicate our needs effectively and honestly, it will only serve to bring us closer together.

      Honestly, I think what you've explained here is different from real bratting. Real bratting has a nasty edge to it, but the agreed-upon "pushing" is really very effective, without being nasty. Perfect.

      I agree this needs to be discussed. I think many of us are embarrassed by feeling this way. I've heard many a Tih say "I don't know what's wrong with me," or something like that. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. It's a valid feeling, but one we don't have to be hostage to.

      Thanks for stopping by and for your contribution to the discussion!

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  13. I am a little late to the party. I understand and appreciate your posts. I am an author, and I write about characters in the DD roles. I have always craved this type of relationship and I am only now attempting this with my husband. He has been aware for my desire for this lifestyle for a while, but we never decided to try. Mainly because I am an emotionally fueled Jersey Girl with an attitude that would could land me on ice for days, I'm sure. My husband is a dominant person by nature...as am I. I have done a lot of self-digging to figure out why i crave this on such a deep level. I want to thank you for this Blog. I generally can't tear myself away as you answer so many of my questions. I have passed it along to my husband and I am waiting to discuss. Thank you, JGirl!

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    1. I am so glad to hear you are working things out together. It takes a lot of communication, and trial and error. Thank you for your kind comments. Good luck!

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