Those of us who crave discipline oftentimes find that a funny thing happens. We don't like being punished. Really, it is hard to take. We prefer not being punished, of course, and try hard to make sure this doesn't happen. But when a bit of time lapses between punishment sessions, we begin to feel a bit off. Unsettled. Antsy. Even sad. This is confusing. We know we don't want to be punished. So today I wanted to discuss this. Why do we feel this way? And what can we do about it?
When I am disciplined, I feel loved. I feel important to Jason.
The week before Christmas, I could hardly go two days without ending up tipped over his knee. One time, I decided I was going to skip taking my supplements (that helps me sleep) because it was a calcium supplement and I'd had many calcium-rich foods that day. The reality is, I hate taking that supplement because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The reality is, it's one of my rules. The reality is, I tossed and turned all night, not having taken it. So when I told him the next day, I got a spanking for it (and guess who put a huge bottle of swallowable tabs in my stocking?!). It seems like a trivial thing...to be disciplined for not taking one teeny supplement. But when he spanked me for it, I knew that he takes even the little things seriously. That I'm important to him. That he wants me rested, and healthy, because he loves me. So even though I didn't want to be disciplined, it brought security to me that he would care enough to spank me.
Before that, I got a serious spanking for losing my temper and yelling at him in front of my kids. It was no walk in the park...it was honestly one of the hardest spankings I've ever gotten. But in the end, I knew I'd been wrong. I knew I deserved a spanking, and it's because he values peace in our family that he made a big deal of it. The lecture beforehand, the serious spanking, and the aftercare that followed, brought us closer together, when all was said and done.
So being disciplined is difficult. Certainly, I'd prefer a stress relief, role affirmation, or sexy spanking any day.
Here's the catch: the discipline is the part about our dynamic I like the least, but the part I need the most.
There is so much good that comes from being disciplined. There is a clean slate. I feel like nothing is between us, nothing left unsaid, no more hurt or anger. I feel cherished, and important to him. I feel motivated, and encouraged to do what I need to, and the list goes on.
But I do try hard to avoid being disciplined, and when time elapses, I start to feel off. Niggling doubt starts creeping in. In the beginning, I used to wonder things like Does he still care? Does he really want to still do this for me? Does it matter to him? But over time, that doubt has dwindled and I rarely struggle with that anymore, as he's proven himself time and time again.
Now it's more like an itch I can't scratch. A desire to be dominated. I want to feel that loving protection of his strength.
I want to know he's got me. I want to know I'm important to him. I want that feeling of being loved, and protected, and cared for.
The problem of being good...
So what do we do when we feel this way?
Many find (and I've found myself) that consciously or without even meaning to, they push. Maybe they'll break a rule. I've found myself "poking the bear." A little attitude will creep into my voice. I might "jokingly" (or not so jokingly?) disobey him. But as I've thought about this, I think it's dishonest. I don't like playing games like that, so I try to avoid doing it. I think "bratting" to get a spanking isn't really the most honest way to approach my need to be put in my "happy submissive place."
A few months ago, I decided I was going to do what worked better than anything else: brutal honesty. So I came to him and told him.
I like how I feel after you discipline me.
When time goes by and I haven't been disciplined, I feel the need to push you.
I just want to know you've got me. I want to feel your strength. I need to know you still care.
And after I've explained this all to him...and we've had several conversations about it...it's become easier. Now I go to him and tell him where I am. He doesn't like me hiding my emotions or feelings and wants it all out on the table. So I tell him.
I feel the need to push right now.
And because we've talked about this, and we know why and how this happens, he always knows what to do. He reminds me that he loves me. Sometimes he will say something simple like, "Be a good girl and go to bed. You're tired." And that's all I need.
Sometimes he will say things like he did last week. "You're mine. You know that, don't you?"
Sometimes he will sternly remind me to follow his lead. "If you even think about being a brat, I will put you over my knee and paddle you soundly."
And that all helps.
But sometimes, he knows I need more. He will order me upstairs, have me stand against the wall, and he will spank me firmly, reminding me who's in charge, going over his expectations, telling me he loves me and will take care of me.
And this all helps. This satisfies that desire I have, to be taken care of by him, that emotional need I have to be taken in hand.
I'd love to hear from you, readers. Do you feel this way? What do you find helps when you are feeling the need to push?