Thursday, December 12, 2013

DD and Family Life: Finding the Balance

Some questions I've been asked time and time again revolve around DD and family life. 

How do you balance DD with family life? 

More specifically...what do the children know? How are you able to maintain a DD dynamic when others are around? 

I don't see this topic discussed frequently, but because so many of us have  children at home while still trying to balance this dynamic, I think it's worth discussing. 

Jason and I have a large family by most standards. We've also had extended family living with us during certain times, and we do now. 
How we approach things is certainly a personal decision. In no way am I implying how we do things is how anyone else should do things. But this is what works for us. 

Jason and I have been married over a decade. From the very beginning, he has been the dominant partner. So we don't have the experience of having to radically change our dynamic. Everyone we know...our friends, our family, and our children...know that he is the one who calls the shots. They also know this works for us, because we respect each other and we have harmony in our relationship. My friends will ask me if I can go out and it's not uncommon for someone to say, "I know you will run it by Jason first, so just let me know after you talk to him." It's not like I have no say. They know I do. But I will not make plans, or spend a good deal of money, or make a major decision unless I've asked him. It's just how things go here. If anyone we know thinks this is weird, they haven't told us. 

Every once in a while someone will give me a little bit of flack. "Well, you should be able to do things without having to ask your husband," they'll say. I usually just smile and say, "I do many things without asking my husband. But I respect his opinion and will ask it before I make my decision." 'Nuff said. 

My children have never known anything but Daddy has the final say. It's just the way it goes and always has gone long before we were a DD couple. 

So if you're in the position of making a dynamic shift...I'd urge you not to worry what others think. Just go with it. In time, people will accept that this is how things are with you two.

Do my children know I answer to my husband? Yep. He has removed privileges (like taken my phone) or had me go upstairs to my room to calm down. He does it in such a way that he doesn't undermine me in front of them, but again, they know he's in charge. He's also verbally corrected me, though he mostly does it discreetly. 

We also have a hand signal system. When we are around other people, including our kids, he has a signal that warns me I'm getting close to trouble, and one that tells me I'm getting a spanking. It's very effective. 

Now. The tricky part: spanking. 

I get spanked a lot. Not a day goes by that I don't get some kind of spanking in one way, shape or form, be it a "role affirmation/stress relief" spanking (similar to maintenance), a sexy spanking, a few swats before bed, or a discipline spanking. Discipline has become much more rare. I would say it happens a few times a month now, and I suspect it will become more rare with time. But other kinds of spanking take place routinely. 

Do my children know I get spanked. No. In fact, we make great efforts to make sure we hide this from them, much like we would hide our intimacy. There are things little eyes and ears don't need to see or hear, and we believe this is certainly one of them. In many ways, the analogy can be drawn between sex and getting spanked. Just as couples have to find ways to be intimate quietly and privately, it is entirely possible for spanking to take place quietly and privately.

When I am spanked, a few different scenarios may take place. 

A discipline spanking is frequently administered when everyone has gone to bed for the night and the kids are sound asleep. We shut our door, a fan goes on, and he spanks me. 

However, sometimes Jason has decided a prompt discipline spanking is in order. This is rarer, but definitely happens. We have a family room that is on the other side of our house. The kids are settled into the family room with a tv show. The family room is downstairs and several rooms over from ours, and not a sound from my bedroom can be heard in the family room. The older kids are instructed to occupy the younger ones, and we simply tell our kids we need some privacy for a while. This has always worked, and this is what happens nearly every single time I get a morning "check in" spanking. 

The final option is the dreaded silent implements. We have a loopy johnny and a wooden dowel. They are nearly completely silent. They both make a whoosh sound, but are very quiet. When we've had company staying with us, or kids that might overhear, Jason has chosen the silent (very stingy!) implements. 

Again, how we do things here isn't necessarily how I'd expect others to do things, but it works for us. Our children see two very happy, very content parents who love each other deeply. And my personal take is, that can only be a good thing. 

How do others find the balance? What are things you do to keep your dynamic going, even when you don't always have privacy? 


  1. Our 'kids' are a lot older and so all my spankings have to be when we are alone in the house. Although we are not in a DD relationship as 'my thing' has only come out within this past year, it is something that I could go for.I only wish my wife was as like minded. But she is trying, bless her.
    Kind regards,

  2. Thanks so much for taking the time to write this-I think alot of people can benefit from your experience, I know I did! The silent implements are the step we are about to take to help us to be able to maintain consistency in our dynamic. We have a huge age range of children at home so we think that will be the biggest help for us right now. We have been making the dynamic change from me being in charge to him taking the lead & I have been dealing with some of those comments about why I would need to check with him, especially from our oldest child but when I explained that it was a matter of respect & that I wanted to have the best marriage possible that made sense to him & those comments have become alot less frequent (only when he is in a rush to go somewhere/do something lol). I am actually so pleased because he used to txt just me for permission & now he txts with both of us a group txt or he txts him first. I know it has gone a long way in helping my husband see how important his role really is to the whole family & not just to me : )

  3. We are empty nester, but value the way you carry out. Dd in your home. Tough but doable.

  4. Very nicely stated. We have been empty nesters for years, so no longer an issue. However, in earlier years, we just taught there were boundaries to respect, and wedid what we had to in order to handle the situation. Most appropriate, the analogy of protecting your intimate time as well as your discipline time.

  5. We actually have never had to deal with spankings with visitors, and we have no children, but these are good tips for when we do need to deal with it. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

  6. Garyntboy -- it can be difficult at first. Kudos to both of you for putting forth that effort. I wish you the best!

    Scarlet -- I love that your submission for your husband has caused the whole family to respect him more. That is wonderful! It is not an easy thing to do, but it really can enhance family life all around.

    Meredith -- thank you. It can be difficult, but it's definitely doable.

    Catherine -- I love hearing your perspective as an empty nester. I wonder at times how we will look back at how we did things, and I can relate to what you said!

    Es May -- thanks. And thanks for stopping by. It's always nice to see you!

    1. I just have to ask...what do the hand signals look like? -Jenny

    2. Hi, Jenny. I'm sorry I missed your question until now.

      Hand signal is a squeeze system.

      One squeeze: "Yes."

      Two squeezes: "No."

      Three squeezes: "I love you."

      One LONG squeeze: "I've got you."

      Four squeezes: "Be a good girl." (This is my warning.)

      Five squeezes: "I'm gonna smack your ass." (Sounds funny, and it was at first, but five squeezes means I'm getting a punishment spanking).

  7. Thanks for the tips! We usually limit spankings to nighttime when the kiddos are sleeping but there may be times when we'll have to do it during the day. Since they're small, it's a lot easier actually. Foothills and I have wondered how it will play out as they get older and more aware of things and start going to bed later.

    1. I think it will be interesting to see how things play out as the kids get older as well. I hate those silent implements, but they get the job done.


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