Friday, June 28, 2013

How Do I tell my partner I want DD?

Today, Bob from “Thoughts on TTWD” and I are doing another collaborative post on one of the most commonly asked questions in the DD community. 

“How do I bring my desire for Domestic Discipline to my partner?”

Here is Bob's take, from the male perspective. Now I'll take a stab at it. 

Before I begin, a bit of my own experience may help. I have somewhat of a unique experience in that I didn't exactly bring DD to my Jason. We didn't even call it DD when we began. It was him simply telling me, “if you do this again, I'll give you a real spanking.” Not a playful sexy one, but a real spanking that would leave me motivated to behave and not turned on. He followed through. The story of that first spanking is here. In a nutshell, I was surprised, and then as time went on, I realized I wanted a full DD relationship. I wanted to be Taken in Hand. I love sexy spanking, and I loved the elements of dominance and submission, but I wanted a real DD dynamic. I wanted him in charge. I wanted to know if I bratted out, or did something dangerous, or disobeyed him, he'd spank me. It wasn't just because I found the whole idea sexy (though if you read this blog, you know that's no secret). It was because I wanted that reassurance of him being in charge. 




So although he initiated DD, I am familiar with that craving to be dominated. I know what it's like to spend hours reading about DD, digging through blogs and articles and stories, dismissing things that weren't for me but nodding my head and saying, “Yes, this is what I want” when I came across a blog or story about a real DD couple. 

I sent him e-mails.We talked. I'll admit, we also argued. I pushed, and I didn't respect his comfort zone. I don't recommend this! Once I knew what I wanted, I expected him to understand, and I didn't get why he was okay for spanking me for some things and not others. Along the way, I learned a thing or two. We are now in a DD relationship that we are both content with, though we are still learning. It hasn't been without bumps in the road – not by a long shot. But we are at the place where we both know where we stand, and we both are very happy there. 

So I've learned a bit along the way. I've chatted with many people in the position of wanting a Domestic Discipline relationship, and I know it is not an uncommon desire at all. So today, Bob and I are going to discuss how one can go about bringing the desire for DD to their partner. 

First, it helps if you know why you want what you want. Simply saying “I want you to spank me when I misbehave” may work. It certainly has helped some people. 

Some people find simply introducing sexy spanking into their relationship is a great starting point. Jason and I did that first, and once he was comfortable with taking me over his knee, we branched out. It's one place you certainly can start, just making spanking part of the way you relate to one another intimately. "Hey, honey, this sounds really hot. Let's try it." 

That's just one approach. But maybe you don't want that. Maybe you want to get right to the Domestic Discipline. Let's face it, though, this isn't exactly the kind of relationship you run into every day. It's a bit out of the ordinary, and it's not uncommon for a husband to react with a bit of shock. 

“You want me to do what?”

“But you are an adult. Why do you want me to treat you like a child?” 

“I don't want to hurt you!” 

These are common concerns a partner approached with DD may sometimes have. So it helps if you have a solid understanding of why you want DD to begin with. 

At the top of this page is a little article I wrote “Why Do I want to be Punished?” I explained how the desire to be disciplined is rooted in the desire to be loved. That is the beginning. It's hard to understand at first. How can being punished make us feel loved? That seems contradictory. The reasons are many, but in general, we know that our Hoh values our relationship. We know our Hoh values our safety. We know we are disciplined because they care about us. They won't let us ruin our relationships by being nasty. They won't let us hurt ourselves by doing things that are dangerous. When my Jason said “I'll spank you if you do that again,” I heard, “I care so much about you, that I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.” 

Some things that I said to Jason when I was explaining my craving to be Taken in Hand were, “I love feeling how much stronger you are.” 




“I feel safe when you are in charge.”

“When you don't let me get away with things, I feel like you care about me. I feel loved.”

“I love knowing I don't have to handle everything on my own.” 

“I trust you, and I know when you are in charge, you will do what's best for everyone.”

“I feel like I respect you more when you don't let me get away with anything.”

You get the idea. Look inside yourself first. See why you want this. Spend some time reading online. And present that need to your partner. 

How you continue to broach the subject is going to depend entirely on your relationship with your partner. Some want the whole picture. Many Tih's bringing DD to their Hoh by compiling print-outs of websites and articles. Some prefer a gentler approach, allowing the Hoh to read and research on his own. Some prefer just talking. I chose a combination of all of the above. My Jason doesn't want to know how other people do what they do. He wants our relationship to be natural and organic, so for him, a select few articles that explained why I wanted to be Taken in hand, along with a lot of conversation and talking through things, is what worked for us. It got us to where we are today. But some people prefer looking at the “manual,” so to speak, and they feel more confident having specific instructions. If your Hoh is one of those people, then perhaps an approach with detailed information will help. 

What are some good sources? Some resources I recommend are 

Taken in Hand
A Domestic Discipline Society
Learning Domestic Discipline 

So, now you've brought the idea to your partner. You've explained why you want what you want. You've explained what DD is. Now what? 

Now, you have to give your partner some space. Now you need to let them process. Remember, you've likely spent quite a bit of time reading and researching. Every once in a while, a partner approached with DD will have a “light bulb” moment and say, “Wow. I got it. Let's do this!” And that's fantastic. But it's also not the norm. 

My husband said to me, “You know, it's just hard for a man to wrap his brain around this. We've been told our entire lives not to hit women. We've been told women don't want to be bossed around. It's hard to understand that you women don't want that.”




Don't expect a complete change in dynamic overnight. It's going to take time. It's going to take patience. It's going to take a lot of talking, communicating, and figuring things out. 

What do you do in the meantime? You can begin cultivating that submissive mindset. Perhaps your partner doesn't really think you're serious. Perhaps your significant partner thinks that this is all about sex. Maybe he thinks you've been overly influenced by devouring Fifty Shades of Gray. It's okay. You need to show you're committed to changing the dynamic of your relationship by showing. Telling is a good place to start, but the old adage “Actions speak louder than words” applies here. 

The next time you get angry with your partner, don't listen to that voice in your head that says “I wish he'd just spank me already!” Tell yourself, “I want to obey him. I want him to be in charge. I need to show him.” And then do it. 

It's okay to be completely honest with your partner. 

“I did something awful today, and I feel like I need a spanking.” 

“I feel guilty about what I did and I want to be taken in hand.” 

But if you start seeing that you are overwhelming your partner, maybe it's time to back off, give your partner some space, and again, let your actions speak louder than words. 

There is no “right” way to approach this. There are so, so many factors at play. How long have you been together? What is your history? What is your partner's personality like? What kind of expectations does your partner have based on your past behavior? There are too many factors at play to make any “one” way approach work, but do know this. The DD dynamic can bring about intimacy and peace in a relationship, and if it's something you desire, it is worth communicating your desire to the one you love. 



Thursday, June 27, 2013

He gives me what I need.



When I think back of the defining moments in our marriage, I think of many.

The natural birth Jason coached me through. How he held my hand and rubbed my back and did everything perfectly. The pride on his face when he handed me our daughter and said, "you did it, baby." Our wedding day. His graduation. Buying our first house together.

And because we are DD, there are discipline sessions that are burned in my memory.

There was one day when we were planning a fun night together. He worked late and when he came home, he was flirty and adorable.

And I had a guilty conscience because I had to tell him I disobeyed him.

I Told him. He sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this tonight," he said.

Oh, did that sting. I cried.

"I feel terrible," I whispered. "You seem so disappointed."

"I hate punishing you," he said. That broke my heart. "But I will do what I need to do to help you."

I went upstairs and he followed. He didn't lecture. He wasn't even stern. Just matter of fact. He leaned me over the bed. He is never too hard on me, but he knows how to spank me soundly. He takes me exactly to the point I need to feel repentant and sorrowful, and resolve to do better.

I vowed to myself that I would lie as still as possible and take it. I wouldn't fight or squirm. He didn't want to do this, so I would make it as easy on him as possible. For him.

He spanked me and I took it like a big girl. He praised me. 

"All over honey," he whispered as he stood me up and held me. "I forgive you. Now I've set everything out for your shower. Go take your shower and come back in here. I'll be waiting."

He was kind. He was firm. He was loving and steadfast. 

It works for me. I call him my Gentle Dom. 



He gives me what I need.

But is he always gentle? 

He is never harsh, but sometimes he is tough.

And maybe you think I'm crazy, but I sure do love him for it. 

A few weeks ago, I not only disobeyed him, but what I did was dishonest, dangerous, and disobedient. 

There was no talking me through it. No gentle smile. He didn't say, as he often does, "You need a spanking, so let's get this over with." No, not that time. That time he pulled me over his lap with a firm lecture and spanked me so hard it took my breath away. I knew then I deserved it. He knew I deserved it. He didn't spank me because he's selfish or impatient with me. He spanked me hard because he cares about me, and he cares about our relationship. 

He wasn't Jason my Gentle Dom. He was the unyielding, immovable wall, the man who will put his foot down and not budge an inch. I resolved to never, ever do anything like that again.



He gives me what I need.

A few weeks ago, I was angry, and irritable, and I made the intentional choice to deliberately disobey him. 

He was lying in bed and I was on his chest when I told him. I told him everything.

"Honey, it wasn't just that I did it... when I did, I thought to myself, 'I don't even care if he spanks me! I'm doing it anyway!'" 

He looked at me sorrowfully with his arm around my shoulder.He said something I'll never forget.  

"You need to trust me. You need to do what I ask you to do. I can't have you even thinking words like that. Do you understand me?"

My conscience smote me and I nodded guiltily. 

"Because you chose to deliberately disobey me, I'm going to have to make this count. I need to make my point, so you don't forget. I don't want you even entertaining that kind of mindset."

I remember I felt a flood of emotion when he said that. I knew then that I was going to get one helluva spanking, but I knew there was a reason I was going to get one helluva spanking. But it wasn't just fear that consumed me. It was the undeniable feeling that he loves me. He was the man who guides me and protects me. He wants me to obey him because he has my best interest in mind, always.

He spanked me long and hard, but he talked me through it the whole time. 

"You're being a good girl." Swat! 

"We're almost done." Swat!

He didn't back down for a minute. He spanked me soundly, and when he was done he held me, comforted me, and told me he knew I would do better. I felt incredibly loved and cared for.




He gives me what I need. 

There was one time when I was consumed with guilt. Absolutely, positively, riddled with guilt. I could hardly stand it, like a weight over me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I could barely even look at him. 

He'd long since forgiven me, but I couldn't forgive myself

He was holding me, and I was crying. I couldn't help it. 

"I forgive you," he said. "But would you feel better if I spanked you?" 

I nodded. "I feel just awful," I said, "Terrible. I can't let it go!" 

"Alright," he said. "Come here." 

He hauled me to the edge of the bed, took out the hairbrush and his belt, and gave me one of the worst spankings I've ever gotten. It was the first time I'd ever been brought to tears during a spanking, and I felt the after effects of that spanking for days. But I knew and he knew that any less than a hard spanking would've left me feeling unsatisfied and guilty. 

He gives me what I need. 

Does he always spank me? No. He knows that sometimes what I need is mercy. 

A few weeks ago, I'd worked so hard to do everything he asked of me. Some of what I needed to do was difficult, running errands that were time-consuming and stressful. I did everything, though, and was so pleased to tell him when he came home. 

"You're such a good girl," he said, hugging me and kissing me. "I'm so proud of you." 





But when he left the room and I put my daughter to bed, the realization that I had broken one of our rules dawned on me. I hadn't done it intentionally, but hadn't remembered to do what I was supposed to. I couldn't help it. I cried. 

He came in the room and was surprised to see me crying. I didn't want to tell him. I'd tried so hard that day. And now I'd have to tell my husband, the man I love more than life itself, that I'd let him down. I adore my Jason. I hate disappointing him. 

I told him. 

"Aw, honey," he said, as he hugged me. "You've done so well today. I'm so proud of you. How could I possibly punish you for the one thing you messed up when you've made me so proud with everything else you've done today?"

His mercy and praise was what I needed, and he knew it. 




He gives me what I need, and I'm so very grateful.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Spanking for Jesus? A refutation

Recently, the Daily Beast interviewed Clint and Chelsea from Learning Domestic Discipline. 

Not surprisingly, the interview painted quite a negative picture of DD. I was happy to see Clint and Chelsea gave their sides of the story. I commend them for putting themselves on the line like this. 

Interestingly, there's been a surge of interest in Domestic Discipline, both negative and positive. 

I read the article. It angered me. I rolled my eyes. There are so many things wrong with this article, it's hard to even know where to begin, but I figure we have to start somewhere. So why even waste my time and energy writing in response to this? A have many reasons.

First, Clint and Chelsea deserve the support for all they've done for the DD Community. Second, this article has gone viral. The Huffington Post has now caught on, and the witch hunt for men who spank their wives is currently in full swing. And third, because there are many, many, many people like myself who desire DD, who benefit from DD, but have deep-seated reservations. They wonder if they're normal. They wonder if there's something wrong with them. So this little blog post is for them. 

Any reader of this blog knows we practice Domestic Discipline. They also know that I would never want to stop. They would also know that I am by no means an abused wife -- in fact, I feel loved, cherished and cared for, and my marriage of over a decade has never been better. 

So here's a refutation from someone in the trenches. 

When I first read the article Spanking for Jesus, the first thought going through my mind was, "But what about consent?" The writer of this article, Ms. Zadrozny, seems to have spent some time in the world of DD, on blogs and forums, reading just enough to paint an inaccurate picture, but not enough to really know what she's talking about. Journalism at its best, eh?

There are many. many issues I have with this article, but I'll begin with the first three.

Consent, consent, consent.





Did it escape your notice, Ms. Zadrozny, that the vast majority of couples who practice DD do so because the wife desired it? There is a phrase we in the DD community use: SSC DD. Safe, Sane, Consensual Domestic Discipline.

This is not Ned Flanders spanking his wife because she burnt supper and Jesus told him to teach her a thing or two. Good grief. This is a practice used by couples who desire to grow closer together by embracing traditional roles. Period. 

The second major issue I have with this article is that the huge majority of Christians who practice DD do not do so because they think Jesus wants them to. How do I know this? Because I've spent a good deal of time in the community. 

There are many. many couples who practice DD who are Christian. They believe the husband is the head of the house and that the Bible endorses this concept. Agreed. 

There are many. many Christians who practice DD. They believe DD brings them closer together and is a means of making their marriage stronger. 

But there are very, very few couples who believe DD is commanded by scripture. There are some that do, and if it works for them, I'm not gonna rock that boat. That's their deal. If it works for them, that's their business. But do understand, dear readers, that this is by no means the norm within DD circles. Not even close.

In fact, off the top of my head, I can name several dozen couples I know who are Christians who practice DD, and not a single one of them believe DD is commanded by Scripture. My husband and I certainly fit into this category. 

The third major issue I have, which is perhaps the most disturbing accusation of all, revolves around the accusation of abuse. According to Ms. Zadrozny's misguided opinion, husbands who spank their wives are no different from men who beat their wives.

Is there the potential that a man given the power to discipline his wife could abuse that power? Yes, of course.

There's also the potential that a loving husband making love to his wife could rape her. 

A horrifying thought? It is. Frankly, the thought of their husbands abusing them is just as horrifying to a DD couple as the thought of a husband raping his wife.

Abuse is motivated by control. Domestic Discipline is motivated by love. 

Abuse forces one's will on another. Domestic Discipline is based on mutual consent. .

Abuse belittles and demeans. Domestic Discipline draws a couple closer together.

Abuse is based on fear. Domestic Discipline is based on trust. 




 So no, Ms. Zadrozny. We are not abused women. In fact, it must've been pretty damn hard for you to dig through the piles and piles and piles of blogs of happy DD couples to find the select few who say it doesn't work for them. They do exist, of course, because we are human. People make mistakes. Not everyone is perfect. Just as marriage does not always work out for everyone, certainly a DD arrangement isn't going to work out for everyone, and the reasons are many and varied. But to equate DD with domestic violence? Puh-lease. Not by a long shot. 

In fact, Kat from "My Contented Home" gives a beautiful illustration about the difference between the abuse she suffered in the past and the loving marriage she now has, in a marriage that incorporates Domestic Discipline.

Oh and if anyone gives credence to the supposed "mental health experts" quoted in this article, I urge you to go on over and read the View of a Mental Health Professional in a DD relationship of her own! 

Now for the accusation that this is all about a sexual fetish. There is no question of the erotic appeal of Domestic Discipline. None whatsoever. Let's be honest. Most people agree that  Being Taken in Hand is hot. In fact, in my humble opinion, the vast majority of DD couples never would've agreed to a DD arrangement if it were not for the erotic undertones. Being punished is not hot. We'll save the real sexy stuff for the Good Girl Spankings.

If this were all about sex, there would be no benefit other than a few good orgasms. But couples who are in a DD relationship report so much more than that. When a couple takes the steps to define their roles in a more traditional light, a funny thing happens. They find themselves drawn closer together. Marital discord is a thing of the past. Yes, by all means, intimacy increases astronomically. But there is far more at play here than hanky spanky games. 

The fact remains, women want real men. 



We look no further than popular books and movies to prove this fact. Who are the most popular male leads? The alpha males, dear readers. 

What is the appeal of Christian Gray, I ask? He is a sexy dominant man and women want real men. 

We want men who take charge. Deep in our bones we want to know we are with a man who will protect us even when that means protecting us from ourselves. 

The truth is, there are many, many, many women who want this type of arrangement. 

Yes, there are no brick and mortar Domestic Discipline churches, as the article puts it, because it's not a religion. It's not even a lifestyle!  It is a personal, private choice a couple makes. My husband and I share our DD arrangement with very, very few people we know in real life, not because we are ashamed, or because it's embarrassing, but because it is a highly personal decision, like sharing intimate, personal details of our sex life. 

The article states that people who practice DD are a secretive group. This is absolutely true. But the reason behind the anonymity is completely off base. Ms. Zadrozny proposes the reason is because we are largely ashamed of our choices, and because we want to keep lying to ourselves about the real reasons we desire DD. Not true, Ms. Zadrozny. I don't keep my identity hidden because I'm ashamed of my choices. I keep my identity hidden because of people like you.

For those of you who desire DD. Look deeper than the outrageous accusations in this article. You are not alone. 

For those of you in a DD relationship. If this works for you, give no thought to those like Ms. Zadronzy who misunderstand and misrepresent. 

If this works for you, do it. And know you are not alone.



Saturday, June 22, 2013

His Hands

His Hands

Over me
Holding me
Draping over my waist as we sleep



Warning me
Chiding me
Disciplining me in love




Guiding me
Leading me
Showing me how to follow


Touching me
Caressing me
Pleasuring me in every way


Restraining me
Calming me
Leading me to surrender


On my chin
In my hair
On my waist
My skin is on fire


Under him
Held by him

In 
His 
Hands


Thursday, June 20, 2013

A relaxation spanking? Yes, please.

When I first stumbled upon this thing called...spanking...I started reading about the fun kind. You know, the erotic type of spanking loving couples could incorporate into the bedroom otherwise known as Good Girl Spankings. Oh, boy, did that ever sound fun. Jason was game...and was it ever hot. Hmm, I shouldn't use the past tense there...we still think it's freakin' hot.




I came upon a website on Domestic Discipline and immediately dismissed it as archaic, old-school, and oh so not for me until that day when my husband decided otherwise. 

Snicker. I know, I know. I stand corrected.

But upon my stumbling into this sub-culture that I'd been unaware of and was completely fascinated by, I read an article on stress-relief spanking. 

Allow me to preface this by saying my job is fairly high demanding. I don't like to post too many particulars about my life on my blog, but I will say I am constantly juggling one thing after another. I'm a busy mom. I work. I have a house to maintain. You know the deal. 

There are days when I am stressed beyond belief. 



Wow. This whole concept of a spanking that would center me was fascinating. I was completely intrigued. So, I told my husband.

I still remember I was washing dishes after dinner, and he was walking through the kitchen. 

"Hey," I said in a low voice. He stopped and raised his eyebrows. 

"Yeah?"

"I'm um...feeling kinda..." I pinched my fingers together and twisted them in front of my chest. "You know? Like I have this...like...something on my chest and I just...."

He looked at me and put his arm around me. 

"Stressed?"

"Oh yeah."

He rubbed my back.

I figured I'd just tell him what I wanted. "So do you think...you can give me one of those stress relief spankings?"

"What's that?"

"Well..it's like a sexy spanking...but really not just for sex. Like, we don't have to have sex after. It's just so I get let go of all this..." and I put my fingers together and tapped my chest again. 

He shrugged and smiled. "Ok, honey," he said, and he went on his merry way with a smile. 

I continued about my way, already feeling a bit relieved, knowing all my stress would be gone soon. 

Later that night, he lay in bed reading. 

"Ready for your spanking?" he asked with a smile, and I eagerly nodded, feeling my heart pounding, but eager to feel his dominance. 

I stretched myself across his lap and got comfy, lying my head on my arms on the bed. I sighed. He began with slow, stinging swats, a few seconds between each one, pausing to rub every few swats and talk gently to me. It did hurt, but nothing like a punishment spanking. Although I find his dominance hot, this wasn't a sexy spanking. It was purely, 100% cathartic, like sipping good wine, or soaking in a hot bath. I felt that knot in my chest leaving, and relaxation settling like a blanket over me. 

He spanked me for a long time. I'd say it was at least 100 swats or maybe even more, and when finally I pulled myself off his lap and lay on his chest, he asked me if I was done.

"You sure you're okay now?" he asked. "I could've kept going and going there."

"Nooo," I murmured, almost asleep I was so relaxed and at peace. "I'm okay now. And that was wonderful." 


He hugged me and kissed my forehead. "I'm so glad," he said. 

And that was when I discovered that yes, indeed, a relaxation spanking can be a beautiful thing. For months, I asked for them, and now I just tell him. "I'm stressed," or "I'm so overwhelmed," I say, and he knows exactly what I need.





Tuesday, June 18, 2013

But wait...how do I tell him what I need?

***This is a special request. JasonsGirl's people are talking to Bob's people on signing a long-term multi-billion dollar contract on posting together for the next couple of months or more but we need your help.What topics would you like to hear us debate about? The only stipulation is that it has to be SSC DD* related. So if you have a question that you would like us to answer please drop us a line and we will consider all questions.***

Today, Bob over at Thoughts on TTWD and I are posting together on a pretty common question that comes up in DD circles. How does a TiH communicate her needs to her Hoh? Bob says he has the "right" point of view, cuz he's the Hoh, but we know better, so we'll just let that little comment slide, m'kay? Here's Bob's highly superior take

Now, here's mine. 

First, it needs to be said, that I am by no means an expert on this topic. In fact, I'm really not an expert on any topic. I'm really just a girl finding my way around like everyone else. But, I've gotten some invaluable feedback from others in the DD community that has really helped me talk to Jason and communicate my needs in a way that is well received. 

I used to just come at him and tell him exactly what I wanted and what I needed, telling myself that it was good and healthy to communicate with my husband. I had little regard for how I was phrasing things, and would pretty much assume as long as I used a quiet voice, and tried to speak respectfully, he'd know where I was coming from. Right? 

Wrong. 

So when things like, "Baby, I really need you to spank me more," or "Honey, why aren't you the Perfect Dom of my dreams I read about in that book I downloaded from the internet?" didn't work, I felt like maybe it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut for the rest of my life. 

Okay, I'm being a bit facetious here but...maybe you get my point. 

Neither extreme approach really works.

There are two important things to keep in mind. 

1) Your needs ARE important and shouldn't be dismissed as irrelevant. 

2) But there are ways to communicate that are better than others. 



So how do you communicate your needs to your husband? I'm going to use the same example Bob used. Let's say I want my husband to be more dominant and spank me more. I am tired of feeling the pressure of everything. I need to feel that he's in control. I want to feel his dominance. I want that reassurance. 

It took several different people in several different ways to get me to really "understand" that men are problem solvers. They want to help solve your problems. But you have to show them first that you have a problem that needs solving. 

Tell him you have a problem, and you want his help.

When I said things like, "Honey, I need you to be more Dominant," my husband didn't hear, "I have a problem I need your help with." No. He heard, "You aren't doing it right." Not good. 

That's kinda like him telling me, "You're not thin enough," or "Don't you think that skirt makes your butt look fat?"

I don't recommend it. 

So instead of telling him he wasn't dominant enough, I said, "Jason, I have a problem. Can you please help me?"



Now he is likely all ears. If he isn't, ask yourself, are there other things at play? Did he just sit down to watch the championship football game he's been waiting for all day? Has the man not eaten anything for twelve hours? Did he just open the laptop to balance the checking account? Choose your timing carefully. Feed the man. Make sure it's a good time to talk. 

Now that you have his attention, make sure you use non-confrontational words. 

Choose non-confrontational "I" messages to communicate.

Instead of saying to Jason, "I need you to be more dominant," (read: you're not doing this right), I said, "I feel unsettled. I feel so much safer when you are dominant with me," and "I feel guilty about something, and I don't know what to do with these feelings." 

There are many, many examples of how the "I" message is more well received. 

Instead of "Why don't you ever do the dishes in this house? Why don't you even clear your plate after dinner? Am I your slave?" 

try

"I feel overwhelmed clearing the table all by myself after a long day. I appreciate it so much when you clear your place." 

Try it. You may be surprised at how communicating the same need differently makes a big impact. 




Finally, ask your Hoh what HE wants you to do about this problem.

After all, we Tih's are aiming for submission, right? What is more submissive than doing as we're asked?

So I started off telling Jason I had a problem. He was all ears. (He was well fed, and in bed, for the record.)

Then I stated what my problem was, using "I" phrases. 

Finally, I asked him, "What should I do about this?" 

When I told him I had a problem, he saw my needs as a  problem he could fix, not something he was doing wrong. 

When I communicated my needs with "I" messages, he saw his damsel in distress, not the shrew pointing a finger. 

When I asked him what he wanted me to do about it, he saw me taking the effort to be submissive, not topping from the bottom. 

I wanted my man to be more dominant. 

Boy did he deliver, and we all know how that ended up. 






*Safe, Sane, Consensual Domestic Discipline

Saturday, June 15, 2013

A good spanking and a good laugh

This week was quite a week. 

There was uncertainty, and hurt, and the reaffirmation of love.

But in the end, we were brought closer together. 

I could be spanked every day and not tire of it. I love a good girl spanking, but it just doesn't satisfy my need for dominance the way a good role affirmation or punishment spanking does. 

The other night...after Jason and I moved past a major bump in the road, and I ended up over his lap, I got a good, hard spanking. 

Quite honestly, it was just what the doctor ordered. I know many of my readers, if not most, will completely understand this. 

The next day, I sure as hell felt the after effects of that spanking and was quite convinced that I would never misbehave again. I even told Jason, "Crap, if you spanked me like that every time, I don't think I'd ever do anything wrong again." 

Well, that feeling lasted about two days. And then I was back in my place of questioning. Feeling antsy again. Wanting to feel his dominance. Wavering. 

I was frustrated with myself. Again? Really? Couldn't I just accept the fact that my man loved me, would spank my bottom when I needed it, and move on? 

In the past, I would do one of two things. I would push that feeling down, down, down, feeling like there must be something wrong with me. And I would probably grow irritable and maybe brat out, which may or may not result in a spanking. 


Or, I would demand a spanking. But my demands were becoming more frequent, more needy.

But after this week, I wanted to do neither. One felt manipulative, and one felt pushy. I'm not saying either of those behaviors are always manipulative or pushy, but for me and for him, they would be.

I decided it would be best to just tell him where I was, ask him what to do, and then do whatever he asked of me. Isn't this what submission is all about?

So I snuggled up to him. He was watching a movie in bed. 

"Honey, I have a problem," I whispered. 

"Mmm?"

"Yeah...it's been two days since you spanked me and I've felt fine, but now...well...I'm starting to get that uncertain feeling again." 

"Oh yeah?" he said, and then in his stern tone, he asked, "Did you do anything wrong today?"

Let the record show...in the interest of being honest...I don't know if my Jason has any idea how hot he is when he is stern with me. Crap.

Or maybe he does.



My eyes widened and I looked at him innocently. "No!" I said. 

I really had tried to be a good girl all day.

He continued in his stern tone. "Did you get what I asked you to get at the store? You know, you promised you'd pick up those vitamins I need?" 

My mouth formed a perfect little "o." Hadn't even thought of them until now. 

"No," I said sheepishly. 

"What about locking the car? Didn't I ask you to lock the car and you forgot?"

Gulp. "Yes."



"Well, then, looks like I'm going to have to give you a spanking tonight."

I snuggled up next to him, feeling that strange mix of apprehension and reassurance that the certainty of an impending spanking brings. 

When it was time, he smiled at me, and took out the hairbrush. 

"Over my lap," he ordered. I obeyed, knowing already it would hurt but it wouldn't be the worst I'd ever gotten. He didn't have that "you are so gonna get it" look on his face, he had that "I'm giving you what you need" look.

I'd take even a small spanking that would show me who was in charge, and push that nervous anxiety right out the window, just wanting to know he still had me.

He gave me a good, thorough spanking, lecturing me about the importance of doing what I was told and being a good girl who obeyed him. I nodded, murmuring my answers to the questions he asked, questions like, "Will you do as you're told?" and "Will you do better tomorrow?"

I was happily back in my submissive place, over my man's lap.




He held me when he was done. And then he started laughing. 

I looked up at him...the fact that he had just delivered a thorough spanking and was now laughing was incredibly assuring to me after the week we had. 

That he could give me what I needed and we could still laugh about it. 

In a silly voice he said, "There's a spanking at the end of this book." 

"What?" I giggled, as he pulled up my pajama bottoms and patted my bottom as I snuggled against him. 

He began a parody of "There's a Monster at the end of this book," the book he reads to our daughter every night, in which Grover warns not to turn the pages because there's a monster at the end of this book, but in the end the monster is Grover. 

"Don't turn the page!" Jason said in a Grover voice, "because if you do...there's a spanking at the end of this book!" 

He let the brush fall on my bottom, and I giggled. 

"If you turn this page...you might find a hairbrush. But you don't want to find that hairbrush, because if you do...." said the silly Grover voice.

Swat!

"There's a spanking at the end of this book!"

I laughed so hard as he told me the story, punctuating his lines with playful swats of the brush, and then I lay secure in his arms. 

My bottom still hurt from the spanking, but it was reassuring. I was still giggling from the "story" he told me. And I felt safe laying next to him. 

It's amazing what a good spanking and a good laugh can do. One step more towards bringing us closer together.