Friday, December 26, 2014

Why He Likes To Spank Me

So the other day, I got myself in trouble. 

I hadn't broken a direct instruction, or even a rule, but I failed to take care of myself and he was not too happy. He told me he'd be giving me stricter expectations the following day and "tonight before bed, you need a good spanking, because you know I'm not pleased with this." 

I knew I needed a good spanking, for so many reasons I couldn't even begin to explain. But I knew I hadn't done what I was supposed to, not taken care of myself, and even though it  wasn't big trouble or hadn't even been intentional disobedience, that's just how we operate. Sometimes, he likes to remind me who's in charge. Somtimes we need to clear the slate. Sometimes he needs to spank me. The reasons are many are varied, but the bottom line is...

I need to be spanked. 

I like to be spanked. 

He needs to spank me. 

He likes to spank me. 

Sometimes, it gets all muddled. Sometimes, the reasons blur. When he says "over my knee," I go. Unless I'm in big trouble (which is incredibly rare), I'm usually eager to lie over his lap.

So the time came, and I had a lot of things on my mind. I wasn't exactly looking forward to being spanked as there was an underlying disciplinary tone, but I was looking forward to the release and the connection. It's hard to explain. 

"Come lie over my lap," he said, and I obeyed. He asked me why I was being spanked, and I told him. As he spanked me quite soundly, he lectured me. 

"The next few days will be busy and you are going to obey me. Am I clear, young lady?" 

Yes, sir. 

"You'll watch your tone and be respectful." 

I will, I promise

"I won't tolerate you losing your temper or any disobedience. You know that?" 

I do

"You do as your told." 

I will

And then being spanked triggered an emotional reaction. That happens, with some regularity, honestly. 

Some of the things on my mind involve issues with my parents. A conversation with my mom had upset me earlier that day...I'll simply say, you never really do get over being rejected by your parents...and I was missing my dad something awful. So even though the spanking Jason gave me was on the smaller side, and wasn't anything like I get when I'm in big trouble -- it was more of a reminder than anything -- I found myself in tears. 

I didn't say anything to him. Not a word. But he finished spanking me, lifted me up, and held me. And he knew. God bless that man, he knew. 

"I'm sorry you're hurting because of your parents," he said. I let it all out. I didn't need to tell him. I didn't need to talk. But a thought flitted through my mind -- a brief thought, that comes from being someone who craves love and attention, who was denied love and attention for so long -- "I know you spank me because you love me," I said. 

He smiled. 

"That's one reason I spank you," he said with a chuckle, and I smiled back, not being upset anymore. 

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "And what's the other reason?" 

He gave me that look. That come-hither-bedroom-eyes look. 

"Because it's fun spanking girls," he said. 

I laughed out loud. 

So there you have it, readers. He spanks me because he loves me and because it's fun to spank girls

Glad to be of service, babe. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Just a Little

I long to be held 
Close to your heart
In the palm of your hand
Apart from the world...
Just a little

I long to be cherished
Your one and only
No one else's
Fiercely coveted...
Just a little

I long to be loved
Every inch of me
All I have to give, 
Even the imperfection...
Just a little

I long to be childlike
To delight in the moment 
Find joy in obeying
To give unreservedly

I long to be yours,
Your treasured one...

Just a little

Friday, December 12, 2014

Over His Lap

We began spanking “for fun” long before Jason ever punished me. At the time, I obeyed him even without the threat of punishment, (not at the level I'm expected to now, however) because it was an understanding in our relationship that he was in charge. It was like that from the beginning, a natural fit for us. He led and I followed. So going over his lap was something we both enjoyed because we found it incredibly erotic. A spanking would always be over his lap. He would always use his hand. It wasn't until the day he first punished me than he ever used anything but his hand to spank me. 

Over time, we incorporated more implements into our dynamic. He preferred using implements he found more effective for punishment, so his belt came into use, as well as the hairbrush and a paddle. I preferred other things because – well, I'm a spanko. But still, to this day, if I had my choice I'd choose his hand every single time. It's more intimate. He can give me a hand spanking that takes my breath away that I still feel the next day. But I'm very, very rarely punished with his hand. 

How do we differentiate between a “real” spanking and a sexy one? It's all in the premise. It's all in the motive. I know if he's feeling amorous and he pulls me over his lap, he's doing so because he knows there's nothing that lights me up more than a thorough spanking. If he gives me “the look” and pulls out an implement, chances are I'm in trouble and he always makes sure I know why. Sometimes, he just wants me in my place, which is why every day before he leaves, he pulls me over his knee for at least a few swats – more if I've gotten close to the edge, or I'm struggling and need a reminder of who's in charge. 

But in the beginning, when he punished me, he would put me over the bed. I found his lap reassuring – and he knew this – so to reinforce the punishment aspect, I would never go over his lap. I found this difficult. I disliked being punished, and found the distance when he put me on the bed somehow felt like rejection. So after a while, I went to him. 

“May I ask you a question?” I asked. He nodded and I scooted over to him. I explained how I felt, that I hated being punished, and I would find punishment easier to take if he put me over his lap. He grew stern and explained that the point of punishment wasn't to make me feel good. I understood this, but told him I'd trust him, and that I felt punishment would still be effective. I just wanted to tell him how I felt so he could act accordingly. He nodded, mulling things over, and I didn't bring it up again. I decided I'd submit to whatever he asked. 

But the next time I got in trouble, he ordered me over his lap. It was effective and has the decided benefit of me not being able to fight or get away (gulp).

It is now only times of very, very serious punishment, which is extremely rare, that he puts me over the bed. I actually don't remember the last time I was punished over the bed. Going over his lap is the norm. 

It's hard to explain how I feel when I'm over his lap. It's the most submissive position possible. There's only one position equally submissive and at the risk of sounding crass, I'll simply state it involves being on my knees. I'm not trying to be funny or rude; I truly believe the act of pleasing him in that way is as submissive an act as going over his lap for a spanking. I'll also simply state that our daily check-in that puts me in my place usually involves more than one act of submission. But both positions, both acts, reinforce our roles. 

Every morning, he goes over his expectations with me, by going over my checklist and reinforcing rules. Occasionally, he does this while I'm over his lap, completely bared and vulnerable. 

He loves having me over his lap. He finds it sexy, and it's not uncommon for him to make that clear. I love being there. It's like a trigger for me; the moment my belly hits his knee, any frustration or worry I have flees (unless, of course, I'm about to punished.)  I lay my head on the bed and cross my arms under me. And we'll talk, his hand on my bottom, me vulnerable and submitted, him in his place as my Dominant and I in my place as his Submissive. Sometimes we'll do this before bed after a long day. We always do this before a long day begins. 

I find it deeply erotic, the mere act of lying over his lap. 

It's been a long week this week. I'm cranky and hormonal. I miss my dad. I have so much to do. I was feeling needy last night, wanting stress relief and a chance to reconnect. I hadn't really gotten spanked more than a few swats all week, and I knew I needed more. I have high needs, and though I'll submit and obey to less spanking, I much prefer more when I'm needy, and he wants me to communicate those needs. 

I was tired, and as I crawled into bed, I told him how I felt. I don't always have to tell him how I feel. Often, he knows, and he orders me over his lap for stress relief without me mentioning it. But sometimes the feelings I have – that desire to be submitted to him, to be put in my place, to feel his strength and reassurance – sometimes it doesn't really surface until we're alone, and it's quiet. I just felt...edgy. Unsettled. I told him. 

“Is that right?” he asked. 

“Yes,” I said, pulling the covers back up. He left to get ready for bed without another word, and I started feeling that maybe I could've been more polite in how I approached him. Then, remembering that spanking hurts, I started wondering if maybe all I really needed was a good night's sleep and maybe it would've been wiser to keep my mouth closed. But...too late. He came back in the room.

“Come here,” he said. I sat up, prepared to obey whatever he asked. “Come and lie over my lap.” 

He wasn't angry, or upset, or even stern. He was ready to meet my needs.

He took out the brush. I balked recently when he took out the brush for stress relief. 

“Oooh,” I said, almost involuntarily, “Oh gosh, that really really hurts.” 

“Relax, baby,” he said. “I'm not going to spank you as hard as I do when I punish you. Now over my lap.” 

Over my lap. 

I felt that familiar twisting in me, that deep, dark arousal that sends tingles to my fingertips at his words when I punish you. There's something about him saying that...the sternness, that hearkens back to times I've been soundly punished. It reminds me of how strict he can be, fulfilling his role as my Dominant, bringing my deepest fantasies to fruition. 

I swallowed, placing myself in that place of vulnerability and trust. I think that's why the simple act of placing myself over his knee brings me comfort. I need to trust. I put myself in his hands. 

“Relax, baby,” he said. And he began. Slowly at first. I yelped into the covers. Even when he's letting the brush just drop, it stings like crazy. It's dense and polished, and he can very easily adjust the severity of a spanking with how hard he swings it. I can feel a spanking with the brush for days. It's also one of our most quiet implements, so in many ways it's ideal. Except that...well, it hurts. Oh lawdie, does that thing hurt.

He warmed me up, talking to me, a few small swats, followed by more and more, building up to a sound, though not harsh, spanking. He told me to relax. He paused between swats, his hand on me, massaging softly, and telling me things like It's okay now and relax baby, and I love you.

A cloudy haze began to come over me. My initial fear of a spanking with the brush began to dissipate as he did, indeed, spank less severely than he does for punishment. He pushed me past what I thought I could take, but I was in the place of letting it all go. I was ready to say “I've had enough,” but his response every time is “I'm the one who says you've had enough,” so I took it silently.

I was vaguely aware of him putting the brush down. My mind cleared, my body as limp as a rag doll, at his mercy. He began using his hand, sharp, stinging swats, alternating with soft caresses. Deep, contented sigh. He spanked me until I completely relaxed.


Thoroughly spanked.

All the tension gone. 

Absolute surrender.

Over his lap. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Internet Safety (updated)

(This post has been updated at the bottom of the page.)

Recently, on several blog posts, I mentioned in passing that I'm not allowed to read other people's blogs or post comments. When quite a few people, in both comments and e-mails, asked why this is the case, Jason and I both explained that it was an issue of safety. I posted a detailed response in the comment section to one post, and Jason posted his explanation in his post HERE (be warned -- with all due respect to my husband, it's a bit more crass than what I usually post and may offend some conservative readers). 

Jason and I were both a bit surprised that people didn't know online activity can be tracked. We talked it over and thought it would be best to post a thread on internet safety.

Before I begin, I'm aware of the fact that this thread will likely cause people to be reticent in commenting, so I'd like to address my fellow bloggers. I jokingly commented that I could sub-title this post "In which, JGirl never gets another comment again." My dear fellow bloggers -- please understand that I'm not trying to be an alarmist. There are many, many people in the community who are very trusting, and it concerns me. I apologize if my concern causes a lack of dialogue in comments and the like. Comments are fun to get. It is, after all, somewhat disheartening to spend hours writing and get no feedback. It feels like you're talking to yourself. You're not. Keep on blogging. There's a need for others in the community, who are attracted to this alternative lifestyle, to feel understood. The lack of comments doesn't indicate a lack of interest in your blog. For what it's worth, I get maybe one percent feedback -- for every five hundred hits I get to a post, I will likely get less than five comments. So please, don't be discouraged from blogging. If your post helps even one person, it's worth it. 

This all came about because I had some unpleasant experiences here on my blog. I had one person in particular who repeatedly attacked me and Jason. Over, and over again, they attacked and when other readers came to my side, they attacked my readers. At first I set up my blog to moderate comments and would simply delete the nasty ones. But this all began at a time when I was robbed (someone broke into my car), and I was pretty freaked out. I wanted to stop this person from reading my blog. So Jason and I did some research. 

Blogger itself does not allow tracking of IP addresses. Blogger has a limited stat counter. With some behind-the-scenes digging (under the "design" feature at the top of the owner's page), I can easily see where hits are coming from, how many hits in a day, how many comments I get, if people are re-posting or linking to a post, etc. But I can only see if people who have Blogger I.D.'s are posting. That's about as far as Blogger goes. Clearly, people who have malicious intent are going to post anonymously. There is no way through Blogger to track anonymous comments, other than to maybe see how they got to your blog. 

So we looked into other methods. There are many. Statcounter is the one I went with. It's free, it's easy, and literally minutes after hooking my blog up to statcounter, I had detailed information as to who viewed my blog, what they read, where they lived, their IP address, how long they visited, how often, etc. I set this up for the sole purpose of tracking the person attacking us, and I was successful. It was very easy to match the time of the comments to an IP address. I banned that IP address and that was that. 

While I was tracking, I found the stats very interesting and would take an occasional peek through to see which countries readers came from. But out of respect to the privacy of my readers, I stopped looking at any tracking information after I was able to block the attacker. However, for my own safety reasons, I still have my blog linked to statcounter, in case anything like this happens again. 

This wasn't all that happened, however. Other issues came up as well. I do not want to cause suspicion to fall on any one person; nor do I want to violate any confidentiailty. So I will speak in very general terms. These are some of the things that have happened that I, and likely many of you, though not all, have become aware of. 

Men in the community posing as women, garnering private information, establishing trust, and violating that trust. One person posing as a "couple," also establishing trust and getting money from people with sales of books, affiliate links, and network fees. Several people creating false identities, forming friendships, only to violate those friendships. There have been cases when some of these people actually raised money for a "cause." Who knows what they did with that money raised. Men posing as Doms, even establishing relationships with submissives, only to rob them of their money and leave them penniless and heartbroken. Men posing as women who are prominent members of the blogging community. 

Why do people do this? Maybe they get a rise out of it. Some do it under the guise of "research." Some are just creepers. But some have much more dangerous motives. So please, be careful. And from your own persective, try not to get offended if people don't want to share their personal information. It is wise not to be trusting.

My blog has been linked to porn sites. I've received offensive, vulgar e-mails, have been propositioned, and even received financial offers from porn sites who want to link to my blog and give me an affiliate link. No, thank you. 

This is all to say...please, proceed with caution. This is why Jason doesn't allow me to read or comment on blogs. This is why my access to the DD community is severely limited. 

Jason and I are a very real couple. But we're a couple just like you. I am a submissive, and he is my dominant. I am also a writer, so sharing our experiences comes fairly naturally to me. That is why we blog, to give a real-life glimpse into a d/s dynamic. But we have a family, and we need to protect our family's safety. Although we have a very small number of real life friends and family who know about our lifestyle, we mostly keep it private. Friends and family do not know I blog. It really is a shame we have to be so secretive, but it is what it is. 

My personal belief is that most people are good. But you really never know who isn't. It is also my personal belief that the truth always outs in time. So please, readers. Be safe. There is no need to rush into trusting someone. Take your time, and be cautious.

Someone asked how to post on blogs without being able to be tracked. I'm not sure about that, but I can tell you that it is more difficult to track mobile devices than personal computers and email is a safer way of communicating. 

Please, feel free to share this post. It is admirable to be a trusting person, but this is one area where I would caution you to be very careful. If anyone has any further information for readers, please comment in the section below or send me an email at

Be safe, people. 

Jason and Jason's Girl

It's come to my attention that some readers took the main point of this post to be that it's never safe to post on any blogs, anonymously or not. That wasn't my point at all. My point is that the internet is not a safe place, and in the interest of being safe, please use discretion when posting. Some people are absolutely trustworthy. I've made some really amazing friends in the community. I'm not suggesting not to trust anyone -- I'm merely suggesting we use caution online, as sometimes things aren't as safe as they may seem. Once we know what the possible dangers are, we can act accordingly. 

To answer some questions that were raised: 
Incognito browers do not prevent your IP address and location from being shown to websites you visit; they merely prevent your visits being recorded in your history. 

Clearing your history only removes a "cookie" on your computer. This does nothing to hide your online activity from websites you visited. 

Proxy servers and other anonymous browsing options are available, which block websites from viewing your location; please read comments below for more details. 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

LOL Day: Jason Answers

Thanks to all who participated in LOL Day! As we did last year, we asked if anyone had questions to pose to Jason. Here are the questions and his answers.  

If you are interested in reading the questions and answers to last year's post, you can read that HERE


My question for Jason is, What are 3 things that Jgirl did in the beginning of your relationship that enhanced and made you feel more comfortable in your role as Hoh?

I never needed help to be made comfortable as a HOH. I've always been a dominant person. That said, she did do a few things that allowed the D/s side of our relationship to flourish:

1. She didn't make it all about her needs and wants
2. She did what I asked her to do without expecting anything in return
3. She respected me as a man and didn't try to manipulate me into being someone that I am not

I would love to ask your other half what is the hardest challenge he's had to overcome and what's being the most rewarding moment for you both?

The only real thing I needed to overcome was that of getting comfortable with the intensity of spanking JGirl wanted. At first I was concerned I would hurt her by spanking her as hard as she wanted me to spank her. But, practice makes perfect.

The biggest reward for me is that we never fight anymore. 

From JG: The question was posed to me as well, so I'll answer here. It's hard for me to define a moment, as there have been so many. It's really been a journey. But I think I would have to say it was the moment when he collared me. I knew then that there was no turning back, and that I belonged to him. I was on my knees in front of him, and it took a good long time of him concentrating to get it just right. It was so intimate, and I held my breath while he fastened it. Then when he locked it, he had me turn around to him...he got this look in his he'd found something precious, like he'd claimed his prize. It was a defining moment for us and one I will never forget. 

My question for the Boss is this: what's your favorite food?

Any kind of Risotto – if it's cooked right it's divine.

Happy LOL Days JG! Are you not allowed to visit other blogs at all or just not allowed to comment? If it's the latter, would you please ask the Boss why you couldn't at least comment anonymously on other blogs?

I don't allow JGirl to comment on other blogs because I want to keep her safe. There are plenty of ways for folks to track each other online even if they comment anonymously. I'm in IT and quite well versed in the particulars of hacking. Additionally, as nice as many folks in the D/s community are, there are plenty of jerks, too. Some of these dickheads have trolled my wife extensively and others have sent her incredibly rude, pornographic messages. I don't put up with that where my girl's safety is concerned.

What does a Dom glean from this dynamic?

Being totally in control and having someone completely devoted and submissive to your every wish and desire is an amazing aphrodisiac. Being loved by someone unconditionally is also awesome.

I have a question, I have a question...well several actually. I am curious about the first time Jason spanked anybody...what what that like and what was he thinking? Second...or third, depending on how you count...what was he thinking the first time he had to punish you? Finally, how does he deal with having that much responsibility as HOH?

The first girl I spanked was not my wife; it was a friend. I was playing Chess with her and she always lost, I always won, except the night I spanked her. That night, I'd been wound up from a stressful day at work and wasn't paying much attention to the game. My friend “T” beat me and decided it would be a good time to gloat in what looking back in hindsight was a completely goofball way. I wasn't having any of it. She saw me getting aggravated and just kept taunting me trying to prolong my stressed out reaction. So I did the only thing a hot blooded 24 year old guy would do, I grabbed her, pulled her over my lap, pinned her down and spanked her as hard as I could... which only made her laugh hysterically and gloat at me even more. Eventually I started laughing and stopped spanking her. It just ended like that and we never brought it up again. I wasn't really thinking anything at the time other than she was being a complete brat and totally deserved that spanking. But T was just enjoying it too much for me. If I had only known then what I know now!

First time I spanked JGirl I was only thinking how upset I was with her for taking her fitness goals lightly and always wanting to change them on the fly. She's always struggled with making consistent healthy choices for herself physically. Basically she is impatient with her fitness goals. We'd talked a lot over the years about why she didn't follow through with her fitness goals. That night, I'd had enough excuses and decided to show her how displeased I was with her wishy-washy approach to personal fitness.

As far as having the responsibilty as Hoh. I don't really think of it as that much responsiblity. I don't feel like I've had to deal with any more responsiblity than I did before. 

Dear readers: 
This post and the one it stemmed from have generated many questions regarding internet safety. Jason and I've discussed this, and we think it's in our readers' best interest if we write a post with more details. I'm drafting a post that will go live when I'm done editing, hopefully in a few days, detailing our own experiences. Be safe, readers. JG

Thursday, November 20, 2014

A Risk I'm Willing to Take

The other night I needed to talk to Jason. I had so much on my mind. I'd had a few things happen that were bothering me. I was hurt. It didn't have anything to do with him, but other things that had happened. So I climbed the stairs to our bedroom where he was, and I asked him, “May I talk to you?”

I'd been holding onto a lot of things, not because I wanted to keep things back from him, but because I'd been processing through them and we really hadn't had much time to talk. I had some things I had to talk about dealing with our family, some things that were weighing on me. I wanted to tell him how badly I miss my dad, and how it saddens me to think of the upcoming holidays I will face for the first time without him.

He did what he always did. He put down what he was doing, lifted his arm up for me to crawl under, and said, “I'd love to hear what's on your mind. Why don't you come and tell me.”

I really don't have the words to express how grateful I am for him, that he does that for me. I know I've said it before. But knowing there isn't anything I can't tell him, knowing that I have his kind, empathetic ear whenever I need him, it means so much to me. He's the kind of person that always looks at things very honestly – never sugarcoating them. He will be blunt and always very forthright. But at the same time, he always looks at things positively. “Always assume the positive,” is his line, and he's taught me that.

He listened. I talked, and the emotions I'd been holding at bay broke. I cried, as I told him some things that had happened, specifically the details of why I was upset about what happened with a friend.

And as he held me, smoothing my hair down and holding me tight as I cried onto his shoulder, he said something that really struck a chord.

“It's the risk you take, when you love someone.”

I knew what he meant. When you let your guard down, and you trust someone, allowing yourself to be transparent, and vulnerable, you allow yourself to be hurt.

And it got me thinking about something else that's been on my mind, the concern that readers of this blog and a real life friend of mine who knows our dynamic have expressed to me, on more than one occasion, about the intimacy I have with Jason, and the nature of our relationship. Any reader of this blog will know how much I think of him. He is everything to me. And it's also, I think, very clear how very intertwined our lives are with one another.

I've heard it several times now. And it's a very real concern, a very real fear, and an understandable one.

“What happens if you lose him? You're so tied to him. What would happen if he were gone?”

And one reader, “I hope you don't wake up one day and wish for your independence back.”

“Is it healthy to rely so much on him?”

Frankly, their concern is that building a relationship with such a heavy level of dependency is a dangerous choice. That if the day came I no longer had his dominance, I would be unable to function.

What happens if I lose him? It's not something I like to think about, of course, but it's a very real concern for a submissive. A submissive comes to rely so heavily on her Dom. He takes care of all my needs, of course. Yes, he pays all our bills, and makes sure I'm taken care of in every way physically. He protects me by making sure I get enough sleep, that I don't take too much on, and that my priorities are in check. But he also meets my emotional needs. He is my confidante. He knows my weaknesses, and my strengths, and he leads me in such a way that my emotional needs are taken care of. He knows my every need and provides for those needs.

But as Jason's a risk you take, when you love someone.

If the day comes that I lose Jason's leadership and dominance...or I lose him...I will not lie. It would be absolutely devastating to me, of course. It's something we talk about, not just me losing him, but him losing me. He tells me, those times when we're alone, and it's quiet, how I've brought joy to him, and the thought of losing me is hard to bear.

But this is where our faith comes into play. I don't often blog about our faith. It isn't the subject of this blog, and I aim to write for a diverse audience. But I can't really discuss the dependent nature of our relationship without explaining how our faith is tied in. You see, we believe that when we took our vows to one another, we agreed to give ourselves completely to one another. We agreed to entwine our lives irrevocably. 

“And the two shall become one.”

Our choice to meet each other's needs in a deeper, more intimate, erotic, romantic way – this choice to make dominance and submission foundational – is merely an extension of what we believe our relationship should be. A choice to give ourselves completely to the other. A choice to love one another so deeply, we'd be willing to give up our lives for the other.

I don't really view our relationship as co-dependency. I prefer to view it as completion, the symbiotic meeting of one another's needs.

If ever there comes a day I lose him, I will take everything he's taught me, about myself, about others, about life – and I will continue to do the very best I can, with the firm belief that our separation from one another is only for a time. 

When I told him recently that another reader wrote to me, expressing her concerns about how I would function without him, he smiled at me, reached out for me, and hugged me close. “You would be fine,” he said. "You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself."  I know he's right. I can't fathom how badly it would hurt, but I would go on.

But as he so aptly put it, that's the risk you take, when you love someone.

And it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Friday, November 14, 2014

A different kind of hunger

Early on in our dynamic, I longed to feel Jason's dominance. 

I was asked fairly recently by a reader why it is that oftentimes submissives need more and more, as things progress. I explained that for me, and I suspect possibly for others as well, things were different when we began than they are now, two years later. Although Jason has always been the dominant partner, I did not have rules, and he did not punish me. He didn't understand me as well, nor I him. We didn't spend nearly the amount of time with each other, and we certainly didn't revel in each other as we do now.

I had no idea I had a thirst for his dominance. I had no idea I craved his discipline. And when we began, it was like my hunger was awakened. That first taste had me craving more, and more.  The more I tasted what I longed for, the hungrier I became.

Over time, though, that has changed. I worried initially – and so did he – that my hunger would never be sated. It seemed like he could never spank me long enough, or hard enough, or often enough. He feared hurting me. I feared I would never be content. But that hunger did subside. Though I still have a deep longing to submit to him, and to be dominated by him, he knows what I need and meets those needs in spades. Simply put, my hunger is usually completely satisfied and if it isn't, I never have to wait long. He knows my needs (as I know his -- different, but varied), and he tends to them.

So early on, if he granted me mercy, I wouldn't see it as such. I disliked that he did. It left me feeling hurt (does he not care?), uneasy (is he ever going to spank me again?), and unsettled (doesn't he realize I need this?).

But that isn't the way things are anymore. Now, he is very firm. I feel his expectations for me are very high. I find him fair, but very strict. As I mentioned recently in another post, I do not get second chances, or warnings.

However, he occasionally weighs all circumstances and grants me mercy. This happened recently.

The incident involved a rule that I have with my phone. I now have restrictions on my online time and my phone, when and how I can use them, and what must be done first. I'm not allowed to be on my phone or the computer when I have more important priorities or tasks to be done. Now, he hadn't really clarified his expectations, and the rule was somewhat ambiguous. Although I understood his basic reasoning, I wasn't exactly sure which things I needed to have done first, and I had a more liberal idea of this than he did.

So, feeling a bit guilty, but still not exactly sure that I was disobeying him, I used my phone when I really shouldn't have. I decided I would explain what happened, and ask for clarification on his expectations when he came home so I would do better. For some reason, I never really entertained the thought that I would be in trouble. I didn't think I really had broken the rule. So goes the justification sometimes... I thought when he'd come home, he'd clarify his expectations. 

That's not exactly what happened.

When he came home, we had our talk that we always have. I usually kneel, my forearms resting on his legs, as we talk about our day. He listens, and we may talk about things that came up, or how we're going to spend our evening. But he always begins our nightly check-in with the same basic question. And that night was no exception.

A finger under my chin, he lifted my eyes to his and asked, “Were you a good girl today?”

I squirmed, knowing I had to discuss the phone issue with him. I blurted it all out, that I knew what his expectations were, what I did and why, and I asked him to please clarify exactly what it is that he expected of me. Still, I hadn't really expected that I would get in trouble.

He frowned, that steely glint coming into his blue eyes. “You know what I expect from you.”

I nodded. “Well, yes, I do, but I--”

"Did I, or did I not, tell you to make sure you did what you were supposed to before you got distracted with your phone?" 

"Well, yes. You did," I responded, justification flying out the window, my stomach sinking.

“Then you disobeyed me.” I quaked at the look he was giving me.

“I didn't mean to,” I whispered. “Please don't punish me,” I asked, twisting my hands and looking down, not able to make eye contact. I don't like that sometimes I ask him not to punish me. I wish I had the courage to face him when I'm in trouble, but I sometimes I don't.

“Look at me.” I'm not supposed to break eye contact with him when he's talking to me. He wants to be able to read me. 

I obeyed, looking back at him. I felt a lump rise in my throat and tears glistening in my eyes. I swallowed.

“Go get the brush,” he commanded.

I rose, shuffling over to where our implements are hidden, and as I retrieved the dreaded brush (I really, truly despise that thing), I couldn't keep it in any longer. The tears began.

I handed him the brush, and as he prepared to punish me, and I lay over his lap, he asked me the question I dread.

“How many do you think you deserve?” he asked sternly. It's not a question up for debate. No, that's not at all why he does it. It's absolutely not a decision made by committee vote. He asks me to make me think about what I've done.

“'s up to you,” I answered, knowing now that I should've paid closer attention to what he said to me, squirming, knowing Jason does not take punishment lightly, and also knowing he wouldn't let me get away without answering, I suggested what I thought was a fair, though serious, number.

He paused. “Why are you crying?” he asked.

I lay over his lap, sniffling quietly into the bed. I didn't really know why I was crying. It was a whole bunch of things all at once. I hadn't really meant to disobey him. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I know what I did and why. I hate letting him down, and it grieves me to do something worthy of punishment. I want to please him.

Not knowing how to answer him, trying to be brave and accept my punishment, I lay as still as I could over his lap while I answered, “Because I don't want to be punished.”  Maybe not the best answer, but it was truthful. I didn't.

Without another word, he gave me a handful of sharp swats. Then he surprised me by putting the brush on the bed. “This is over,” he said. “Come here.”

He pulled me up off his lap and into his arms, as I continued to cry, overcome with emotion. He put his thumb on my cheek and brushed the tears away.

“This is what I'm aiming for when I punish you,” he said softly, the sternness gone now. “I want to see you repent. I want to know you're sorry for what you've done and you won't do it again.”

He held me as he continued to wipe my tears away.

“Shhh, now,” he said. “You were already there before I punished you. You were a good girl, ready to take your punishment. So this is over now.” I nodded, so very grateful for his mercy, so very grateful for being understood.

He lifted my chin and had me look at him again. “Do I want this happening again?” he asked, stern again, while I shook my head.

“Oh, no sir, it won't, I promise I'll be so good, I won't disobey you.” 

And I haven't. Now I know exactly what he expects, and I'm very careful not to stray. When in doubt, I ask him.

You see, in the beginning, I hungered for his dominance and discipline. And as I've said, that hunger has abated. But I have a new hunger now. As we've moved into a satisfying place of knowing our roles, of meeting each other's needs, of learning together as we meet those needs, daily striving to be more loving, more giving, growing closer and closer together...I long for something else.

Now, I yearn to be his good girl. Now, that gnawing hunger is to please him. I don't always, and he knows that, but I love that he can read my heart, and he knows where my heart lies... my heart is in his hands, his girl forever.

And really, isn't that what this is all about?

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Happy LOL Day!

Good morning! Phew, it's been a while since I've blogged. I've been knee-deep in some personal projects and my free time has evaporated. I've missed you, readers! 

Today is LOL Day. It's a really fun day we bloggers participate in, as it's a day we celebrate all of you who lurk and read our blogs but don't necessarily post. And we do our very best to get you to come out of hiding. 

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

This was the discussion I had with Jason about LOL Day. 

Me: "Hey, babe. Remember last year we had LOL Day on the blog?"

Him: ::grunts in reply:: (Have you ever noticed Doms grunt a lot in reply?)

Me: "Well, I'm thinking of participating again. What do you think?" 

Him: "Do it." (Have you ever noticed Doms are very direct?)

Me: "Okay. What about me writing on other blogs? I'm still not allowed, right?" 

Him: "NO writing on other blogs." (It's a safety thing -- my apologies to my fellow bloggers. Know I support you anyway!)

Me: "Well, last year, you offered to answer some questions. You haven't written for the blog in a while. What do you think? Want to do it again?" 

Him: "Sure. I'll answer anything they ask." 

Me: "We might get some mean questions like we did last year." 

Him: ::looking stern and formidable:: "Who cares?" (Ever notice how sexy stern and formidable can look? lol)

Me: "Alrighty, then." 

So, there ya go. I'm sending my love and support to my fellow bloggers today! 

And a big shout out to my readers. 

Do you have any questions you'd like to ask The Boss? 

And I'd like to make a contibution of my own. I know some of you enjoy reading in the DS genre. For every TEN people who post to the blog, I will post a ds-themed work of fiction or poetry I've written.

Thank you SO much for all of your support. We love you, lurkers!

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Sterner Side of Things

Next month, Jason and I will celebrate two years of choosing a lifestyle of Dominance and Submission. It's one of those things – I feel like in many ways, we're only just beginning. But at the same time, it's such a natural fit, it seems we've been doing this forever. 

And in some ways, we have, since he's always been the dominant partner and I've always been the submissive. But adding DD into the mix certainly does change things. 

If we hadn't chosen d/s, I'm sure he and I would still be getting along just fine. We were before. We're not one of those couples who saved our marriage with DD, so I'm pretty confident that if we hadn't gone this route, we still would've found other ways of resolving conflict. But since we have gone this route, it's a totally different dynamic. 

He keeps taking me further in. He keeps raising the bar. We both keep changing, and for the better. 

I remember how I used to long for his attention. I remember how he would make me so mad, and I'd get under his skin, and we'd get into the occasional argument. I remember how we didn't really understand each other at times. How I'd pout if I didn't get my way, and how I would take things personally. It wasn't a bad marriage. Everyone who knew us knew we were happy. But really, we've both grown. 

Last night, two things happened that showed me how much things have shifted in the past two years.

 First, I found out about an event I wanted to go to that had me very excited. I showed it to Jason. “Oh, look! Can we go this weekend?” He looked up from what he was doing and simply said, “No.” I felt disappointed, but I didn't pout, and I chose my words carefully and watched my tone when I asked why he didn't want to go. He explained that it would be crowded, and he had no interest in taking our family. And that was that. I had my answer. 

I didn't pout, or try to cajole him into changing his mind. I accepted his answer and moved on. 

And the second thing that happened was I got myself in very big trouble. 

Both situations somehow had me reflecting. On how I've grown. On how he has. On how much smoother things run here because of how well we understand each other.

In the very beginning, there was a good deal of growth involved in how things played out. I got in trouble a lot, for many reasons. I hadn't internalized many of his expectations. Some things needed time, and I had to develop better habits. And sometimes I think I didn't try as hard as I should've, because I wanted his attention so badly. 

Those days are now gone. 

I still have times when I long for his attention, but all I have to do is go and sit by him. He always, always puts down what he's doing and asks me what's on my mind. All I have to do is tell him, “I need to talk to you,” or “I'd like to spend some time with you.” And he'll open his arms and have me come in and talk to him about what's on my mind, or tell me how much longer he needs before I can have his undivided attention. He'll plan a date for us, or he'll set aside time for doing something together. 

I still have times when I get into trouble, but it's mostly because I've lost my focus and not taken the steps I need to make sure I stay on track. "Small crumbs," he calls them, the little things that need to be swept up. I still get reminders frequently, and maintenance regularly, but mostly, serious trouble is very rare.

I've mostly internalized his expectations. I take steps to make sure I make safe choices. I stick to the daily to-do list we go over in the morning. I take care of myself, and get to the gym, eat well and make my health a priority. I choose my words carefully, don't raise my voice to my children, or give way to my temper. I speak respectfully to him. And I obey him. 

Now, I don't say this to brag. I'm not perfect, of course. I still slip up, and he also knows I'm only human. 

But where we are now, I don't get any more warnings. I do not get second chances. He misses absolutely nothing. There have been times when I've been thinking defiant thoughts, and he can read me so well, he knows. Although he is fair and he is reasonable, he is one hundred percent consistent, and his follow through is always very sobering. 

But because I've internalized his expectations, it is pretty rare that I see the sterner side of things. It's not that he doesn't dom me. He does, every day, some days harder than others, depending on my needs, my behavior, and his own needs. But what happens now is mostly I will get a look. If we're alone, he might deliver one firm swat, with not another word. He will call my name, or say something very quietly, like, “That's enough.” It's amazing what he can convey simply by saying my name. When I get very busy, or flustered, he's sterner with me, because he knows I lose my focus then, and it's then that he takes absolute control. 

But what happens now is, occasionally I will become complacent. And that's what happened very recently. This past weekend, I found myself bent over his knee not once but twice in the same day, and he was none too happy when that second time came around. I don't even remember why I got in trouble the first time, but the second time, it was over something I thought was relatively small. He'd called me while I was out, asked me to pick something up for him, and I promptly forgot. 

As soon as I came home, he asked me where it was. My stomach dropped, because I knew I hadn't obeyed a direct request from him. I immediately offered to go back and get it for him, but he shook his head. 

He tests me, on a regular basis, just to make sure things are where they should be. A week or two ago, I was asked to text him every hour, and he told me if I forgot it would be “100 for every missed text.” It wasn't easy, but I did it. Occasionally he'll give me a very small request outside the norm that he knows will unsettle me, just to test my obedience. He's not toying with me. It is not a joke, or a game. He doesn't take my submission lightly. He's reminding me who's in charge, and I love him for it. 

I failed the test. 

But we had things to tend to, and though I knew I'd be punished for not doing what he asked, honestly, it was the furthest thing from my mind. He wasn't angry, and we had no time to be alone until much later that evening. So I kinda shrugged it off. I didn't really focus on the fact that I'd not done what he asked. I'd grown somewhat complacent. And before bed, I asked him, “Am I still in trouble?” 

Wrong move number one.

He raised his eyebrows. “What do you think?”

Um, I knew the answer to that question. 

I was laying next to him in bed. I was cozy. I didn't want to be punished. He pushed himself out of bed, stood, giving me that look that makes me quake, and rolled up his sleeves. Then he undid his belt buckle and removed his belt. I began to get nervous, but still hadn't fully gotten my head in the right place. I find it really hard submitting myself to punishment, and at times, literally pace the floor before I can work up the nerve to lie over his lap. 

I chickened out. I kinda buried my head in the covers and asked him if he could come back to bed and put me over his lap. 

Wrong move number two.

“Get your ass out of bed and over here before I come over there and get you,” he said, all Dom. 

Oh yikes. I knew I didn't want that to happen. I flew out of bed and over to him as quickly as possible. 

He took me by the arm. He sat on the bed, and hauled me over his knee. He wrapped his belt in a strap around his hand, and pinned me down. 

“It's been quite a long time since I've had to punish you twice in one day,” he began, and by now, I understood what I was in for. 

“Yes, sir,” I said, “I'm sorry.” 

“Oh you will be, little girl,” he said. “Why am I punishing you?”

“Because I didn't obey you,” I whispered. 

“You know I expect you to do what you're told. Am I clear?” 

Oh, it was clear alright and did he ever make his point.

He strapped me long and hard, and brought me to tears. I am not one of those girls who takes her punishment likes a champ. I squirmed and yelped into the covers, as he held me down and gave me one of the hardest spankings I've gotten in a very long time.

When he was done he held me, while I cried. 

“It's over now, and you're forgiven,” he said, the gentler side coming out now. “But I want it clear that when I ask you to do something, I want it done.” 

I nodded, sniffling, and promised I would obey him. He kissed me. “I know you will, baby. I don't want to have to do this again anytime soon.”

I didn't want him to have to do that anytime soon either. 

He ordered me to bed, and I sniffed my way under the covers. And I asked myself. 

Why the hell do I want him to do this?

I've written many times about the desire for his dominance, and why the discipline side of things is a necessary component. 

But I really, really dislike being punished. I dread it. And I find it very difficult to submit to punishment. 

He came to bed and held me. Although he was past punishing me, of course, he was still very much in that place of being stern, and he tucked me into bed and told me to go to sleep. 

I thought about how much I love him. How I would give my life for him. How submitting to him fulfills me to my very core. How protected and safe I feel under his care, and how even though I dislike being punished, seeing that sterner side of things somehow leaves me in awe of who he is, how good he is to me, how much he loves me and takes care of me. 

And also, if I'm totally honest – how the sterner side of things, though humbling and hard to take – is still undeniably sexy. 

And I came to understand, in those brief moments of reflection – when I'm humbled, and dommed, and in my place of being obedient and submissive – how I long to please him, and how the sterner side of things helps me achieve what I so desperately desire. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What if He Says No (when your partner refuses a D/S dynamic)

Hello, readers. The past few weeks, you've been on my mind. As I've gone about the things I need to do here, I've thought about what I'd like to write next. I've decided I'd like to take a stab at something that's been on my mind for quite some time. 

As you likely know, if you're a regular reader, Jason and I are in a D/S relationship. We've been married for twelve years, with a mild dynamic in place before we were married, and just about two years ago, took things to a new level by adding Domestic Discipline into the mix. Slowly but surely, things intensified for us. We are still learning, still evolving, still growing, but as of today, we happily embrace a D/S dynamic. It works very, very well for us. We are happier than we've ever been, and wouldn't want to change this for anything.

So frequently, when I write, I like to share about our life here. I like to write about the intimacy and peace that comes from submitting to my husband, his leadership, the love I feel being his submissive, how he guides and teaches me and how we grow together. I like to write about the struggles we face, and how we overcome them; how the ups and downs build us up and make us stronger. But as I've written, as I've gotten to know some of you...I've come to realize that many are not living this the way they'd choose.

Sometimes, one partner spends the time researching, reading, contemplating how a D/S dynamic will benefit their relationship, and after much thought, they pluck up the courage to ask their partner to get on board – and their request is met with a resounding No.

Worse...sometimes, their request is met with ridicule, scorn, and anger.

My heart breaks for those of you who write to me, asking for help and guidance, for those of you who've felt the sting of rejection after baring your soul. One of the reasons you are grateful for blogs that share about dynamics, like this one, is because you feel you're not alone. You feel understood. You feel there is hope.

Today, this post is for you. For all those who struggle. For those who've been rejected. For those who are married to someone who has absolutely no desire whatsoever to incorporate d/s into their marriage. For those who've begun DD, and found it didn't work for them. For those who maybe think there's something wrong with the desire to submit and be led.

What to do?

I wrote a post a while ago to those who struggle. In that post, I gave some advice based on experience that worked for me and Jason, when we had struggles of our own. Perhaps if you're already in the beginning stages of a D/S dynamic, you may enjoy that post. Today, however, I'm speaking more to those who've been flat-out rejected.

It is painful to be in this position. Oftentimes, those of us who crave dominance find that our desire is deeply, deeply interwoven into who we are as people. This is why sometimes you'll find submissives insulted when critics say things like, “It's only a game,” and “It's all about sex.” It's not just a game to us. We don't play at this. It's not just about sex. Yes, it is exciting, and erotic, and there can be elements of play, but the desire for dominance is a much more primal, emotional, psychological need.

So when you find the courage to be honest and bring that desire to your partner, rejection is heart-rending.

The first thing I want to say to those of you who are struggling is this. All is not lost.

It is not a hopeless cause. At first, it seems like that. When you've bared your soul and been rejected, of course it feels that way. But it isn't.

It hurts like hell, yes. And you may feel it's a part of you that will never be able to grow and flourish. But once you've gotten past that initial rejection, I urge you to take a long, hard look at a few things. Be honest, but be gentle with yourself. Don't give way to thoughts about whether or not you're normal, or healthy, or if something is wrong with you. I've been there. It's a dangerous place to be. I know you don't really know me, but I hope I've earned a bit of your trust by being as honest and transparent as I could be.

So please believe me when I say, you're totally normal. There's nothing twisted about desiring, even craving dominance. It's understandable that you are deeply attracted to the idea of being disciplined. At the heart of this for many of us is the desire to be loved. 

Certainly not everyone desires the feel of a loving, firm hand. But I do. I know what it's like to want to feel cared for, so much so that the person who loves you wants to guide you, teach you, and protect you. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

But all is not lost. It's not "all or nothing." You are not destined to live a life unfulfilled. Yes, your husband or partner may never dominate you. Yes, you may never be able to explain your desire for discipline. But there are a few things you can do that respect the personal choices of your partner and can perhaps bring peace where before there was discord. 

So today, I'd like to give you just a little bit of advice.

First, ask yourself why it is you desire D/S. Really, truly, think about it. Explore it. Journal about it, talk about it, delve deeply into your desires and ask yourself why.

Perhaps you desire more attention from your partner. Maybe, like me, you've lived a past filled with rejection and abuse, and the desire to be of utmost importance to someone calls to you. Maybe you'd like accountability. Maybe you're tired of making promises and setting goals you fail to accomplish. You want someone to coach you, spur you on. Maybe you have a temper and you get upset with yourself when you lose your cool. You want someone to help you learn to curb that temper. 

Maybe your relationship has lost the erotic appeal, and you want to be attracted to your partner again. You want spice in your life. You want to feel that spark of romance again. Maybe it's all of the above. There are many, many reasons why we crave dominance. I urge you to find out what your reasons are.

Now for the second part of my two-fold advice to you.

After you've spent some time soul-searching, exploring, truly understanding what it is you desire and why...come up with some other ways to meet those needs.

Now, I understand that some people, even married people, occasionally choose to submit to another person, a mentor Dom, or cyber Dom. I understand why this is done. I know many people make this choice. In fact, I have a very close friend who does. Please understand that I do not judge those who choose to submit to someone else. If you're someone whose chosen this route, I'm not criticizing you. But this is a choice fraught with danger on many levels, and for this reason, I cannot personally advise anyone to take this route. So that's not what I'm advising when I suggest finding other ways to meet your needs.

I'm suggesting you find ways to meet your needs that don't involve being dominated.

Let's say you have decided you truly do crave personal attention. Are there other ways you can meet that need? Perhaps slot a date night on your calendar with your husband? Can you put your head in his lap when he's watching the football game? Can you wake him up in the morning with his favorite coffee, and initiate some intimate time together? Think about it. Then make it happen.

Let's say you truly desire accountability. Can you schedule an appointment with a personal trainer at the gym? Find a friend with like-minded interests and ask for the accountability? Set a goal for yourself, and a way you'll reward yourself when you meet that goal?

Maybe your relationship no longer has that erotic appeal it once did. Maybe you don't love how you look anymore, and you're shy about the vulnerability the bedroom offers. Are there ways you can overcome this? Can you make love-making exciting again? You may be surprised how receptive your partner is if you even begin to initiate. Your self-confidence is attractive.

Do what it takes to heal. The desire for a D/S relationship is a deeply personal desire, and having that desire unmet hurts. Perhaps, at least for a time, it's not in your best interest to read books, or stories, or blogs. Maybe that seems contradictory for me to suggest. After all, I'm a blog writer. But blogs serve a purpose, and if reading them is stealing your peace, then choose to be kind to yourself.

Finally, if you are in a relationship, I urge you to continue to cultivate your submission. Take solace in having the willpower and strength to allow your partner to lead. Don't force the leadership on them – that's a different animal than allowing them to lead. I've read that advice (simply refuse to lead and make him do it), and I don't think it's good advice, because I don't think it respects the personal choices of your partner. 

But voluntarily making the choice to let go of control is something that is really very doable. If and when your partner asks your opinion, don't hold back. Don't refuse to answer, or make them make choicesm but instead, respect the choices they do make. Never condescend to make a belittling remark and if you do, have the integrity to apologize. 

If your husband or partner asks you to do something, take pleasure in fulfilling his request. Thank him for his leadership, and for taking care of you. Seek simple ways to please him. Honor the ways he does lead. Make him want to be your leader by being thankful, kind, and supportive.

I know this is all easier said than done. I know there really is no easy answer. But my wish for you today is that somehow, some way, you find what brings you happiness.

Monday, September 29, 2014


"What do you mean, you like when I dom you?" he asks. 

I know what I mean. It's very clear in my head what I mean, but he doesn't understand my choice of words. 

How to explain? 

I like it when you discipline me. No, no...that isn't right. I don't like being disciplined. Yesterday, I was spanked for raising my voice and yelling, and it brought me to tears. It wasn't enjoyable. Certainly nothing like when he ties me up or holds me down and spanks me to ecstasy. No, nothing like that. But it was, in a way, satisfying. 

I like that you take the time to make me important, and to teach me. 

I like how I've grown under your leadership and guidance. 

I feel stronger, more capable. I have more self control.

 I like the feeling I get when I've faced a challenging request from you and I've done it. 

Yes...that is a bit closer to how I really feel. 

How to explain that it's so much more than discipline, though? Discipline is rare...present, always possible, but rare...such a small, but integral part of how we relate.

I don't think I can really explain it all, not even if I sat down and spent hours writing, though I do try to catch it in glimmers and swirls... 

When I sit by him at the end of a long day, and we say nothing, but I put my head in his lap and he slowly, silently, runs his fingers through my hair.

When my phone vibrates during the day and a message pops up from him, checking up on me, "How are you doing, baby girl?"

When he reaches for my hand in a crowded room and links his pinky finger with mine.

When he says, "Time for bed, little one. Go, now." 

Even if he doesn't join me...knowing that he is my leader, and my protector, and he wants me well rested and cared for. Yes. I love that. 

When I'm feeling tired, and exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and he pulls me over to him, his hand fisted at the nape of my neck as he takes a kiss --- he doesn't ask, he takes -- that feeling of release, and comfort makes me feel wanted

Yes, that. 

When I'm straightening up the room, or putting laundry away, and I hear the door shut and lock, and my heart begins to pound, and he silently makes me put down what I'm doing and bends me over the bed, overpowers me and has his way with me, sometimes silently, but sometimes reminding me who I belong to...

Oh, lordy, yes, yes, that. 

How to explain what it's like when I'm frustrated and he gives me his quirky smile and orders, "Let it go." I have no choice...he wouldn't allow me to continue to spiral after he's instructed me to let it go... how I know that I trust him, so it's okay to release my tension, my fears and my worries, how he can take it. 

His strength is mine. 

Strength...that deeply erotic, primal satisfaction I get by being physically overpowered...the knowledge that I can overcome my own weaknesses by obeying him...the desire to keep on pushing, keep on growing, keep on learning...that glorious freedom I get by allowing his strength to remove the frailties and fears I have...

Yes. Yes, it's that. 

There was that time I was in the throes of grieving...the loss of my father was and continues to be profoundly painful...and it just hurt. 

"What is it?" Jason asked, and I simply choked out a whispered, "I miss him, and it hurts." He stood in front of me, over me, bigger and stronger than I am, his steel blue eyes looking into mine, and he wrapped me up. "Put your arms around me," he ordered, and I did, standing a bit on my tippy toes to get my arms around him as his arms circled my waist. "Pretend you're giving it to me," he whispered in my ear. "Feel it go out of you. Give it to me." I felt myself sink into him as I obeyed. 

"I can take it," he whispered. 

He did. 

He does. 

How to explain that? I can't, really. 

I guess it's silly trying to name or categorize something that is so intuitive, so natural, and yet so hard to grasp. It would be like saying, "I like it when you're sexy," or "I like it when you love me." Why define something that is so a part of who he is, how he is, how we relate?


I love being yours. 

There. That's better.