Hey, everyone. Jane here. My computer was in the hospital (le gasp!), then I was at a conference, and I had three books come out in the course of six weeks (never again!) so I haven't been able to blog. I will blog again some time this week. I'm really dying to get back into it! Since the blog is still going five years later and there are hundreds of posts, during this busy time in my life, I'm going to be re-posting some older posts occasionally. I hope you enjoy this reboot of a post I wrote four years ago. Lately I've been craving the taste of real discipline (not so badly I've earned a session, but bad enough I'll be asking Jason for a firm reminder this morning) and remembered this old post. I'll write again soon. xoxo Jane
This is the third part of a series of posts on "Craving Discipline," an attempt at delving a bit deeper into our need for discipline, the issues that come up, and why we aren't alone in dealing with them. This is PART ONE and this is PART TWO.
Today I'd like to take a look at what, to me, was a surprising issue that surfaced when first I began down this journey Domestic Discipline took us on. Jason and I began with erotic spanking. I assumed everyone did. The concept of being disciplined by my husband, at the time, was repulsive to me. Occasionally I'd come across a story or a blog post that explained real discipline. And I was drawn to it. But I pushed down my instinctual responses with thoughts like This is wrong and No man has the right to discipline his wife like a child. I forced my brain to shut off any erotic associations with discipline, because surely I was the only one on the planet who found that somehow sexy.
Well, I've changed my mind, you might say. The day my husband looked at me and said, "Do that again and you'll get a real spanking," the same feelings I'd had before -- you know, heart pounding, cheeks flushed, labored breathing -- surfaced. I pushed them down again. But this only lasted for a few seconds.
When I challenged him -- shock and curiosity intermingling with my wide-eyed "You wouldn't!" -- he crossed the room, belt in hand, and overpowered me. With one fluid motion, he bent me over the bed, said something like, "You think I'm kidding?" and landed a few stinging swats.
My heart was stuttering so badly I could hardly see or hear. And all day long...the thought of being bent over his knee was all I could think of. I'd had plenty of amazing sexy spankings...but they were all foreplay.
All I could envision was my man...the stern look on his face.
Do it again, and you'll get a real spanking.
The grip of his hand on my wrist, as he bent me over the bed...
The feel of the belt landing with serious sting.
And as I mulled over my feelings...my draw to his discipline...my mind that told me No, this isn't right...I found the erotic appeal of real discipline undeniable.
Now some may find this an obvious point. "Of course it's erotic." But I think it's worthy of discussion.
Not everyone believes being taken in hand is deeply erotic. There are a select few who find it not sexy at all, or they say they do anyway. I have a hard time imagining that, personally, but I respect that others feel differently than I do.
However, there are many people who deny it, and do themselves a disservice by doing so. And that's why I think this issue needs to be out in the open, where we can discuss it.
I was asked fairy recently why we do what we do. And my explanation, though fairly lengthy, boils down to two basic reasons. First, it's a form of conflict resolution. We have peace and harmony in our relationship because of Domestic Discipline. Second, it's deeply erotic. Honestly, to us, Dominance and Submission would be stripped of all it's appeal without the erotic undertones.
There are many, many reasons why we the act of being spanked is sexy. There is a complete loss of control. There is absolute trust. The act itself can be physically arousing. Instinctively, our primal attraction to strength and being overpowered comes into play.
But the reason for my post today is not to get into reasons why dominance and submission is erotic. My reason in writing today is because I've been around the DD community for a while now, and I see so much confusion with this topic. There are even prominent members of the community that say "if you are attracted sexually to spanking, you shouldn't partake in DD." And that's why I'm writing this post. Because that is absolute hogwash.
There are some people who begin this dynamic who are confused about this.
If I find it arousing to spank her, how can I discipline her?
If he spanks me and I'm attracted to it, how can I still be motivated to behave?
How is it going to help her behave if she's attracted to spanking?
He finds it sexy. I don't know if we can do this.
There is a widespread concern in the community that the erotic appeal somehow detracts from the authenticity of Domestic Discipline. No, dear readers. It doesn't at all detract from it. It's at the absolute heart of it all. It doesn't make it a game. It's what makes it work. Frankly, it's one of the very many reasons a Taken in hand relationship differs from a parent-child relationship (though that's the topic of another post) and why it's ridiculous to claim it is childish.
When an Hoh takes his wife over his knee, very often she's bared to him. It is natural, and normal, to find that sexy. People ask me all the time, "Is your husband turned on when he spanks you?" Of course he is because it's sexy.
But the reason a Domestic Discipline dynamic still works, even though it is sexy, is because the erotic appeal is only part of what happens. If it ended there -- and it merely aroused both parties -- it would be erotic spanking, and no more. But much more takes place.
When a punishment spanking is administered, there is acknowledgement that wrongdoing has happened, and that's hard to accept. It takes honesty and integrity to admit to wrongdoing. When a punishment spanking is administered, there is disappointment. But so much more begins to happen. Conflict is resolved. There are no more hard feelings, no more guilt, no more anger. Conflict is put to rest. The pain of the spanking is what lingers, and motivates the Taken in Hand to behave. The trust given the Head of Household, and the treasuring of that trust, brings about intimacy. Now add the erotic overtones of spanking into the mix, and you have intimacy like no other.
Peace. Trust. Resolution.
There is nothing I find sexier than my husband putting me over his knee. The mere words, "Do I need to put you over my knee, young lady?" make my heart begin to beat faster. His hand on my wrist makes the heat rise. The first smack of his hand on my bottom spikes my pulse. The knowledge that he is strong, and stern, and will administer a proper spanking if necessary, brings about feelings of being girly, and feminine, and shy. But the knowledge that I will be punished if I misbehave still very much has the desired effect.
I'd love to hear from you, readers. What do you feel about the erotic appeal of discipline and spanking? How has it affected your DD dynamic? What advice might you give to someone struggling with this?
For those following this series, I urge you to read in the comment section below each post. The dialogue and contributions readers have made leave excellent points to ponder and food for thought.