Monday, January 20, 2014

Heart Check

So...in the beginning of the year, Jason told me he'd been too lenient with me. This set my heart to pounding, because....well, I wouldn't exactly use the word lenient to describe Jason.

Is her merciful? Absolutely. Is he gentle with me, and patient? Yes. Does he sometimes extend mercy? Of course. 

But does he let me get away with anything? Nope. He is consistent, and firm. 

Now, the truth is, I need him to be this way with me, and he knows it. But the reality is, I dislike being punished. 

When we first began TTWD, being punished had a certain novelty about it. It was new. I felt incredibly loved when he took the time to give me what I need, to hold me accountable, and spank me when I needed it. I would almost be eager for a spanking. 

I still feel incredibly loved. But over time, my feelings about punishment have changed drastically. 

I pretty much hate to be punished. The other day I said something somewhat rude to him while we were getting dressed in the morning. He crossed the room, gave me a firm swat, and told me not to speak to him that way. One swat. But it was humbling and effective, and I swallowed the desire to cry. Afterward, we had our morning check-in, and he set me to rights again. 

But now, even the smallest correction is difficult to take.

It works. 


There is no going back. 


But the reality is, this is not easy. 

The other day, we had a nice night together that ended in some intimacy that was amazing, and beautiful. And to my surprise, I burst into tears when I settled back down into his arms when we were done. 

He hugged me tightly, and asked me what was wrong. I could only shake my head as I cried. He held me tight, and he just knew

"Poor girl," he whispered. "You're just a big ball of emotions right now, aren't you?" 

And I nodded into his arms. I was. 

I am

Raw. 

Exposed. 

As I sit here typing this, I'm in trouble yet again. I've made vast improvements over the past year. Over and over and over again, he's told me how proud he is of me, how happy is that DS has brought us so close together, but as we become closer, he's also realized my need for a firmer hand. And it's been an adjustment for me. 

I've heard others criticize those of us who are punished frequently. I am not punished frequently all the time, but I think it's normal to have periods of time when punishment does happen more often. It doesn't mean this isn't working. It absolutely is. It does mean that sometimes I need to pay more attention. Try harder. 

So Jason does this thing he calls a heart check. He doesn't do it every time, but when he notices I'm feeling down, or that I'm being punished more frequently, he asks me. 

"Heart check." 

I look up at him and wait to hear what he has to say. 

"Is this what you want? Do you still need this from me. Where is your heart on this?"

I have told him, each and every time. 

Yes. 

This is what I want. 

I don't like to be punished and I hate letting you down. 

But I need this. 

My heart is right where it should be. 

I kneel in front of him after a punishment spanking and he will frequently lift my chin. That's when the question arises. 

"Heart check." 

The questions he ask me boil down to really one, very important, incredibly vital question, for not just me, but both of us. 

Are you happy?

I think it's important that we check in with each other. This is not a game. This is not a fairy tale. We are two human beings, with feelings, and emotions, fears and insecurities. 

The other day, we had an argument. I was upset with him. Finally, he knew exactly what it was that was bothering me. He took me over to him, had me kneel, put his hand under my chin, and said, "Last night, you had an off night. I'm not going to punish you for getting overwhelmed. This morning, I had an off morning." And then he said something I needed to hear. "We are not perfect. We aren't going to do this perfectly. I am human, and you are human, and we will work through this together." 

And isn't that what this is all about, in the end? 

It's not about achieving a level of perfection. If perfection was what we were striving for, we'd be wasting our time. Sure, there are some things I can tell you I will never, ever ever do again -- like drive like a bat out of hell. Whip a dish across the kitchen in a fit of temper. Text in the car. Forget to take a dish towel off the stove. I've learned my lessons, broken some habits, and I'm working hard at forming new habits. 

But I'm not perfect. I'm still going to get spanked. 

He's not perfect. He isn't going to always know exactly what I need and isn't always going to be completely prepared to give that to me.

We are still going to have our ups and downs because we are human

But these heart checks? They are vital. And in the end, what matters isn't our level of perfection

What matters is that we're in this together. 

And when I'm down because I'm in trouble again...or my constant needs and insecurities become overwhelming to him, and he needs to withdraw to recharge...when we hit our down times, I try to remind myself. 

My heart is where it should be. 

His heart is where it should be. 


There are times I let the criticism of others bring me down. There are times when I let myself down. 

This morning, when I had to fess up, I was lying in his arms when he told me I was getting a spanking. He said he was disappointed in me, and that cuts me to the core. 

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm going to do better. I promise." 

He hugged me tight and said, "I know you will. You'll do better." He kissed my forehead and said, "You're my best girl." 

His best girl

Sometimes, that's all I need to hear.

16 comments:

  1. You two are feeling your way through this with the right priorities, as this shows. I have only one nagging concern for you guys in the back of my mind. I think it started after the Perfect Punishment post.

    I really have this question for all of us who find fulfillment in this attention: what do you think of the tendency to need escalation in punishment?

    After you disobeyed and were spanked in several sets of swats with more than one instrument (which you found painful and effective, followed by affection, a perfect punishment), Jason warned that the spew king you will receive the next time you disobey will make that one seem like a picnic.

    I guess this is the part I wonder about. You had a rather thorough spanking. You were already repentant before you started. Why would you need the next one to be more severe in order to make the point and/or provide deterrence?

    It is unrealistic to think you will never disobey again in your life. You kind of slipped into that episode of disobedience by not really slowing down enough to realize the justifications you were making. That will likely happen again in your life. You are already raw and a bundle of emotions, super sensitive and attentive.

    Even if you are finding a need for more strictness, I am left wondering how escalation of the spanking helps you right now?

    Of course, a lot goes "missing" in a blog post, and if you were t so capable of self-reflection and articulation, I wouldn't ask. But this issue does seem to beg to be addressed in the Dd community -- do you think?

    Blessings!

    Beth Elle

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    1. "spew king" = spanking. Annoying autocorrect! :-)

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    2. "spew king" = spanking. Annoying autocorrect! :-)

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    3. Haha! Mine usually autocorrects to "spamming." I like spew king much better.

      This is an excellent question and I agree, worthy of discussion in the community. I look forward to discussing it with you when I'm back to blogging. Thank you! :)

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  2. I enjoy reading your blog so much. It has helped put things into perspective at times. Greg and I started this back in July and yes it is a journey and a lot of work. But it can be a wonderful addition to a relationship if done with the right heart and attitude. I remember back in July being a newbie and all of my questions. And you, ros and Sara kept saying give him time, it will all come together and especially Make It Your Own. Well you were all right. I can't thank you enough for your help because this does work and is wonderful.
    Candy






















    work. I am very stubborn and willful so there are many times he really has his hands full. Consistency is not an issue he has really got a pretty good handle on that. It's been good for our marriage and relationship overall.
    I to hate being punished new implements



    and your hoh getting comfortable with them takes care of that.
    I remember as a "newbie" going on the Dd

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  3. There's an issue I've felt defensive about as a result of comments that people have made in blogland. I was trying to explain to my husband and felt silly that I felt like our relationship was criticized. I know that (almost) everyone's heart is in the right place and general comments aren't pointed at me, but point anything in the direction of my marriage or my parenting and I'm a basket case.

    You and Jason so have it right. It's all about being in this together. Thanks for writing

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  4. There is a lot in this post I can relate to. I feel guilty when I get a lot of spankings because I feel like I have let not only SM down, but everyone! I feel like I am supposed to be good at this somehow but I am human. I make mistakes. Right now we are on a good run so to speak but things can change quickly.

    When I saw your post I thought maybe you were having a literal heart issue. Glad to hear that wasn't it.

    I agree too, sometimes all we need to hear is that we are their best girl. I know that is a big one for me too.

    hugs
    sara

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  5. I agree with Leah, and with the comment "Make it your own". JG, I send links from your blog to others more than any other blog, I think, because you so articulately wrestle with the important questions. I'm looking forward to your thoughts on the reality of escalation, which I see briefly acknowledged in other blogs. I'd love to participate in a thoughtful exploration.

    This seems to especially apply to those of us who crave the emotional "poignancy" and/or seem to need the endorphin boost that the intensity of this relationship provides. That alone might account for escalation for some of us. The "old" level no longer provides the same neurotransmitter boost.

    Beth Elle

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  6. What a great way to evaluate if DD is working. Great post! Your blog is very inspiring. I love reading about DD plays out in your lives.

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  7. In this last comment, when I speak of escalation because of the enjoyment of the intensity, I'm referring to escalation of every kind, not just spanking. Sometimes it is escalation of protocol rules, or strictness, or spanking, or humiliation, or whatever.... (I've read of some rather "extreme" symbols of submission, for instance, that are medically "contraindicated" :-), and I wonder if this is where it comes from. Thankfully, though, harmful extremes are rare in Dd community, even while each couple makes it their own.)

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  8. How beautifully stated.. moved me to tears actually. We are not perfect, but it is a good feeling to have someone that has our back and gets us. It is painful to disappoint the one we love. However, when all is said and done and there is correction, forgiveness, our hearts are open and we truly understand how blessed we really are.

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  9. Hi JG,
    I do relate so well with what you wrote about the way the attitude towards punishments changes over time. Still, I hope that it will never stop to develop, because the reason why even a single smack can be more than enough, when it comes from the one you love most, is the close connection and the enormous intimacy between you two. I feel that too with my husband, where just the same happens and the real punishment behind the physical little bit is the disappointment of his or the feeling that I had let him down. That’s what brings me down more than a caning ever could. The pain is worse, because you can shrug off outward pain, but try to do that with your inner torment. I think you had called the physical part of punishment a kind of cleansing in another post and I share your idea on that, too.
    The situations that you describe are always so familiar to what we experience here as well, crying after a happy night included. I love that and I love the way you described the heart check. It shows so much how your Jason cares for you and I am pretty sure that it is the same with you towards him. There is all the communication and reassurance going on between the two of you that one could wish for and I believe that it helps you endlessly even in difficult moments. Or as a reminder that nobody is perfect. Thank you for your post, it is fantastic and I enjoyed reading every word of it.

    hugs

    nina

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  10. I love this post! Very timely for me to read as well. My husband and I are navigating through this change in our marriage and some days are better than others. Yours is a blog that always seems to help me process my own thoughts and feelings about certain things. Thank you so much for sharing!

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    1. I'm sorry I neglected to respond to your comment. Just having gotten another, I see this one here. Thank you for your comment! I'm glad you can relate!!

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  11. I have recently stumbled upon your blog and am slowly going through your archives. I just wanted to stop a moment and say thank you for sharing your journey. You write beautifully and I have been drawn in.
    ~denise

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    1. Thank you, Denise! I'm so glad you have found your way here and enjoy my posts. Welcome!

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