Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Hello! And an update.

Hello out there in blogland! Wow, it's been a while. I hardly know where to begin. It's probably fair to tell you all that I feel it in my bones that this post is going to be all over the place.

I wanted to give you a bit of an update, tell you what's on my mind, maybe kinda picked up where we left off. And I'm looking forward to catching up a bit!

Last week, Jason gave me permission to come back. Honestly, I wasn't ready. I had to think about it. I had to decide how I was going to go about following the guidelines he gave me when we decided it was time to come back. I've been mulling and hemming and hawing, and now I think I'm ready.

It sounds like it's kind of a big deal, and honestly? It is. Because the past few weeks have been some of the most challenging I've ever faced. And I want to tread lightly with what I'm about to share, while I also maintain honesty. I also don't want to get too heavy. After all, I view blogging sort of the way I'd view sitting around drinking coffee with friends.

I've been asked why we decided a break was necessary. There are a variety of reasons, and the simplest, best way to describe the reasoning is this. I needed to take the focus off of DS and put it back on me and Jason. I'd met some friends, and gotten e-mails, and found my thoughts consumed with how DS colored our lives, and I needed that to stop. And, it did.

Things had all become too much. I had too many rules. I was getting into too much trouble. I was spending too much time focusing on DS. I had too many things I was doing.

We were both getting overwhelmed. We needed to stop, take long look at where we were going, and simplify things. Focus on what was important.

The first week or two, the relief from the break was almost instantaneous. It was hard to see e-mails coming in, and not being able to respond. Jason was strict about it. I wasn't allowed to respond to messages, or read blogs, or even read books that had any type of DS element. But after the band-aid was ripped off, it felt good. Jason and I evaluated our rules. We talked and talked about us. And we came up with some solutions to simplify things, and help us both focus on what was most important to us.

Things were wonderful. Really and truly, fantastic. Our dynamic was never stronger. I went weeks without serious trouble. We were thriving. 

And the second week in,  I got news that changed my life forever. It changed me. It changed Jason. It changed us. It was a Wednesday, I think, early in the morning, when I got the phone call that my dad was killed in a tragic accident.


I wasn't sure if I was going to share that on the blog. But I decided I couldn't not share what happened, because it impacted our DS dynamic so heavily, and will continue to do so. 

There is nothing that can prepare you for the loss of someone you love, especially a sudden and unexpected loss. 

When I first got the news, I was devastated. I walked around in a sort of fog, the phone ringing, answering calls, making some of my own, crying, trying to get ahold of Jason. It took a short time to get him. I could barely speak. I finally somehow choked out the news and he said very little except I'm on my way. 

I told him I was okay, he had to work, but he insisted and was home minutes later. He dropped everything. He was my rock. He watched the kids, ordered pizza, held me when I cried, let me nap, did the grocery shopping with me, fielded phone calls, and basically took the very best care of me that he could. He was my strength when I was down. 




I told him, when he and I came back from my dad's services, I was so, so glad we'd had such a strong DS dynamic in place when everything happened. It was such an amazing blessing, really. He took complete charge over everything and reminded me, "Just do what I say." I didn't have to worry about money, or my children, or the house, or timing. He handled everything. When he told me to do something, I did it, instinctively, automatically, without question. It was the simplest, most natural thing to do. My rules were like a safety net, and he went over them, never neglecting our check-in, every single day. 



I began to suffer anxiety attacks (which, fortunately, have significantly subsided). I've never had these before, but they were scary. Things would trigger certain emotions, and I couldn't breathe. 

The first one hit in a supermarket. I didn't know what was happening, but he stepped away for a minute, and the next thing I knew, I felt like I had to run away. I couldn't stand the people all around me. I wanted to ball up in a corner and cover my face and block the sounds and noises out. He was there and I whispered, "I can't do this," and the next thing I knew his hands were on my shoulders, forehead pressed up against mine, as he talked me through it, soft words that pulled me out of the darkness I was in, and helped me finish what we were doing. 

One particular night was awful. He sat on the couch next to me, holding both of my hands in his, his voice the only thing I concentrated on. "Just do what I say," he said softly. "Count backwards with me, out loud, from ten. You can breathe now. Just relax and do what I say." I did, and slowly my breathing came back to normal as he massaged my hands and talked to me, slowly, and softly, like one would speak to a child waking from a nightmare. The airport ride home was particularly challenging...again, the anxiety consumed me when I least expected it. I felt faint, like the walls were closing in on me. He knew without me telling him how I felt, and he quietly, without a word, carried my bags and held my hand, led me to a quiet place and helped me breathe again. 

I did forget things, at times. My mind was elsewhere. He gave me lots of leeway and told me he understood that I would forget some things,and he wouldn't hold me accountable for that. 

A few days after all of this went down, I started getting short-tempered and irritable. He warned me a few times, and tried to reign it in. I lost my temper with my children at one point. I snapped at Jason. I was on edge. He told me he understood how I was feeling, and that my irritation and short temper were understandable. We talked...I thanked him for being merciful...and told him I needed things to be back to normal. I wanted the same expectations again. He said he understood. 

The very next day, he spanked me for disobeying him. I remember he said, "Now is the most important time you've ever had to obey me, because I'm protecting you." I was worried that I would feel devastated, as I hate to be punished, and I was already at a low point. But I didn't feel that way. I felt...relief. His dominance brings me comfort. I'm happiest when I'm in my "happy submissive place." We both are. 

And so, we went right back to where we always were -- no, that's not quite true. We're better, really. Stronger. Closer. 

A week or two ago, things started to get a bit easier to bear. I started feeling happiness again. I started smiling again, and being able to laugh. And it felt good. 

It's good to be back. 

56 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Losing a parent is a devastating event at any time and especially harder to accept when it is unexpected. Time and the love of Jason and your children will get you through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Leigh. It's been difficult, but things are getting a bit better each day.

      Delete
  2. So sorry for your loss. So glad you are back. I missed you.
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Meredith! It's good to be back.

      Delete
  3. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad Jason was there for you and is so in tune with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Dana. I'm glad, too. It makes all the difference.

      Delete
  4. Welcome back J Girl, I had just found your blog before you took your much needed break. I am so happy to have you back! And I'm so sorry for your loss.

    As this dynamic takes hold for us, I'm finding what you describe so true. The more Luke expects and holds me to the rules, the more relaxed and free I feel. It isn't oppressive or overwhelming, it's comfortable and safe.

    I'm hoping being back in blogland will be helpful for you and not become too much. You have so much to share with us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Clara, welcome! I'm glad you made your way over.

      It really is the best feeling in the world...being cherished like that.

      I'm taking my time coming back, as I'm feeling fairly anti-social these days! But little by little, I'm hoping to get back to blogging.

      Delete
  5. So glad to have you back. And so, so sorry for your loss.

    Your reason for taking a break sounds perfect, and so happy you are in a strong place that fits you both well.

    Blessings~

    Beth Elle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beth Elle, thank you! I'm glad you understand. The break was just what the doctor ordered!

      Delete
  6. Hello again, it is lovely to see you. i am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to happen. It is great that using this dynamic Jason has been able to help you along the way. Much love
    Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jan. It's good to see you again. I am so grateful he was able to help me as well!

      Delete
  7. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2000. I wish we had DD in our life at the time of his passing. My husband didn't know how to comfort me so I kept a lot of emotions held in. I suffered quietly and couldn't cry for along time.
    I'm glad you have Jason to help you get through it. The road will be bumpy for awhile but time will heal your pain.
    I'm glad you are strong enough to come back. I missed reading your blog. You have been a real treasure in helping us learn our way in this ttwd.
    Lizziebeth

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lizziebeth, thank you for your kind comment. It's certainly been a challenging time, but I am so grateful Jason has been with me through it all.

      Delete
  8. Hi J Girl, we've never met but I've been reading your blog for awhile, My name is Sassmachine. I am so sorry to hear about your dad, and I'm so gad that you had Jason there to be your rock. Although we've never talked, your words and insight have meant so very much to me. I cannot tell you how many times I struggled to explain something, some feeling or need, to my husband and was able to find it here. Beautifully written, insightful and sometimes funny and always honest. How many times I was able to say, "here is what I wanted to say but couldn't, read this". When/if you are ready, I'm sure that so many people will be happy to have you back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Sassmachine. Jason was reading this the other day and got a chuckle out of your name. :)

      I love that you've found empathy and understanding here, in this little blog of mine...it's one of the reasons I write it. Your kind words are so encouraging! I'm looking forward to blogging again.

      Delete
  9. {{{HUGS}}} Still praying for you. I love all the little and big ways that Jason took control during a time you couldn't really handle having any yourself. I just want you to know, that over the coming months, tears and anger will both appear without warning, but it looks like Jason will be there to rescue you when they do happen. My advice, except with the kids, don't repress this when it does happen, grief needs room to happen. I hope it's okay to say I'm so glad to see you again.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, sweetie. I'm so grateful for your friendship!

      You're so right...Sunday night was one of those nights. Sigh. It was hard to go through, but I'm glad we did.

      Of course it's okay to say that! I've missed all of you!

      Delete
  10. Condolences on the passing over of your father. I so know how loosing a loving father/daddy can leave a hole in ones heart that nothing can quite fill. My Daddy passed over 1982 at age 88, but until I join him in Heaven, he will always have left that unique hole in my heart.
    However, it certainly is wonderful that you have your wonderful HoH....so loving; caring; compassionate. He truly is fulfilling the full meaning of what the responsibility is of an HoH when love is between he and his submissive. You are both blessed and so your children. My prayers be with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Chappy. He truly is filling that role, and has been so good to me. I am so grateful!

      Delete
  11. I am very sorry for your loss, and glad that Jason could help you so much in this time when you needed support. I missed you and am glad that you are back again.
    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Nina! It's good to be back.

      Delete
  12. You know, I find when everything outside of our save haven is flying out of my control, I need the safety net of my husbands control more than ever. It is an odd thing to discover about ones self. I haven't a clue why less personal control when things are already so out of my control has such a comforting feeling.
    You are fortunate indeed that you and Jason had time to focus on the two of you before this terrible tragedy. Through communication he was able to asses what you need, and deliver. Such a wonderful gift to both of you.

    I wish to extend my sincere condolences JG. When I lost my father, I felt I lost part of who I am. Years later I still feel his loss. It is understandable that you are experiencing these panic attacks. I will tell you to allow yourself to feel your pain. It is very important to do so. You are in my thoughts
    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It really as an odd thing, Willie. You are so right. But yes, that control and power I feel from him is so comforting. I am so grateful he was able to understand my needs, and that we were able to so easily communicate through all of this.

      Thank you for your condolences. I don't know if I'll ever be the same...but little by little, things get better.

      Delete
  13. I am so sorry for your loss. It's so tough to lose a parent. I love how Jason took over and handled everything. I'm glad to hear you're starting to find your way back to happiness. One day at a time, J Girl, just take it one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will, Holla. Thank you for your kind words!

      Delete
  14. So very sad to hear about your dad... I wish I could tell you that time heals but that is a lie.. We just learn to cope with our loss... I lost my father 11 years ago ,I know your grief..I'm so glad that you chose to share that with us. Sometimes this lifestyle is hard to live. It has been made easier by bloggers like you that choose to give us insight inside their lives and somehow they make our journeys into this lifestyle less lonesome. I don't comment a lot but please know that you are by far my favorite blogger and my heart skipped a beat when I seen your new post! I hope this means we will be hearing more from you... Some of us hang onto your every word!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Miss Behavin! What a kind and encouraging comment. Makes me want to blog again! ;)

      Delete
  15. I am so very sorry for your loss, you'll be in thoughts. I hope that maybe blogging provides a outlet for your grief, and I'm happy that Jason is providing that safety net you need so much right now. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jennelle. This first post was very difficult to write, and I had to do it over the course of a few days. So I'm hoping to ease my way back into it.

      Delete
  16. I'm so very sorry, it's terribly painful to lose a parent. Make sure you allow yourself to really feel your feelings and let yourself grieve. Please don't worry about things getting to heavy for us readers! We as a community are here for you in good times and hard times too. I'm glad that you are beginning to find your way back to happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The support of the community has been amazing, and I am so grateful. Thank you, River Wild. I'm learning to let myself feel what I need to. It's not always easy, but it's what makes it easier to bear.

      Delete
  17. So sorry to hear you lost your father so unexpectedly. It was good to read that Jason was so helpful to you during this time.

    Many prayers,
    sara

    ReplyDelete
  18. Jgirl,
    Let me start out by saying sir and I r so very sorry for your loss..I am so glad that jason was there for all the little moments when u needed him the most. All of our thoughts and prayers r w you and your precious family...((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  19. It is SO good to see you here. But, most importantly, you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. I lost my sister/best friend unexpectedly 6 months ago. I know exactly what you are going thru. I have been there with the anxiety attacks. I'm so glad Jason was there for you. When this happened to me it was the first time I truly saw and felt my husband in a few years. Knowing he was there for me & taking care of me changed my life and is actually the catalyst for me looking into DD. It does get better...time does help the healing process. Hugs to you. So happy you are back as you're one of my favorites.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maggie, thank you! I love that your husband's love and care for you is what led you to this dynamic. Funny how that works, isn't it? But there really is an intimacy when this is lived out. Thank you for your kind words!

      Delete
  20. I am so so sorry for your loss. I'm happy to hear how Jason has been your rock through all of this and known what you needed to help in such a hard time. You have been missed around blogland, however, I completely understand what you're saying with needing to focus on your relationship and not so much DS. It can be easy to obsess over the dynamic and lose sight of the relationship. It's good to hear from you and you will be in my thoughts as you move forward and continue to grieve, but also remember and celebrate your father's life.

    *hugs*
    Rose

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Rose. Thank you! Yes, it can especially difficult to focus on the relationship when you're immersed in the community. It was good to take a step back! The support of those in the community has been so nice, though. ((hugs))

      Delete
  21. I'm so very sorry for your loss, JG. It sucks and it's not fair. Those are the words I needed to hear when I lost my mom in December. You and Jason are so very blessed to have each other.

    Prayers and hugs,

    Jen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jen, my condolences for your loss as well. It really truly does suck.... some days, I wake up, and I can't believe he's gone, and that pain hits all over again.

      I am here to talk, if you need to. Shoot me an e-mail anytime jasonsgirl001@gmail.com. Grieving through this dynamic is a beautiful, yet challenging thing...

      Delete
  22. I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I'm so glad Jason has been there for you - it seems like he's really helping you get along.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am so sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you. I found your blog right as you were taking a sabbatical and I am glad to see you back. So many of your posts feel like I could have written them. So, although we have never met, I feel like you are a dear friend. My prayers are with you and your family.

    Hugs,
    Christie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you feel that way, Christie. I love when my little corner of blogland can help another couple.

      What a sweet comment. I am happy to "meet" you!

      Delete
  24. JG, I'm sorry for your loss of your dad. It's hard to lose any loved one, but the loss of a parent leaves a distinct void. I'm glad that Jason really knows how to be there for you. You also have lots of love and support in blogland. I'm glad your sabbatical was helpful and also glad to see you back. I've mostly left the world of dd blogs and forums, but occasionally refer to your posts to discuss things with my husband. You have a way of eloquently getting to the heart of a topic, and it is so helpful to not have to fumble for the words myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, OTK Princess. How nice to see you.

      Thank you for your kind words. I am so glad you have found my blog helpful. I look forward to sharing more in the coming months.

      Delete
  25. I am so so sorry to hear of your loss, but so glad Jason has been able to help you through it all so well. I am sending healing prayers to you and your family-I am glad you are doing better. And I am glad you are back.
    Love, scarlet

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Scarlet! I have missed you. It will be nice to chat again.

      Delete
  26. Oh, JGirl, I am so very sorry for your loss. There's so little that can be said at a time like this that will ease the pain, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I, like all the others, am so happy to see you back. I've missed you :)

    Hugs,
    Sadie

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you, Sadie! I've missed you, too, and it's so nice to be back!

    ReplyDelete
  28. To all my readers...I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. Thank you SO much.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hi J Girl -
    I am so sorry to hear this news about your father and what you have been going through. I have been there and it is not easy and as Mizz Behavin said (and possibly others) time doesn't heal, but you simply learn to live with it. My word of advice is give yourself time to grieve. This is so important, but often overlooked especially for parents who have kids to take care of.

    Also can I just say this is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. Yes it is terribly sad and tragic, but there is such hope and beauty there as well. How Jason has helped you and supported you is as any relationship truly should be. But it sounds like so much more. Sounds like he is taking care of everything and you as you need to be during this time. I would go out on a limb and say perhaps it is more in sync because of the DS/DD character of your relationship.

    Thank you for sharing.
    Positive thoughts and prayers sent our way.

    - Enzo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Enzo, my apologies for not having replied sooner. I remembered your comment when I saw your comment come in today.

      Thank you so much for your kind comments. There is no doubt in my mind that because DS works so well for us, we've both been strengthened, and we were in as good a place as possible to handle this challenge when it came about.

      He is taking good care of me, and I am so grateful. The level of trust and intimacy is hard to describe. I can only say that the most beautiful thing that has come about from this tragedy is that I know to the depths of my heart how deeply he loves me.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  30. I know I'm late, but I am so sorry about your loss. I know that there are no words that I can say to make things better. I hope that time and the love you receive and give to your family helps you through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
    Hugs
    Kim

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by! We'd love to hear from you.

Dissenting comments are welcome but please, be polite. Any rude or slanderous comments will not be published.