Monday, March 17, 2014

Helping me Heal

I feel it building in me, mounting frustration. 

I am hurt. I am angry. 

I am sad. 

But I am healing. And you help me. 

Sometimes I don't know how to handle these feelings. 

But you always know how to handle me. 

The other night, I was overwrought. I'd gotten myself to the point of no return. You tried. You tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't listen. You tried to hold me, but I pushed you away. I heard you get up and leave the room, and part of me wanted to reach back and pull you back to me because I needed you. And my heart sank when you left. 

I didn't know you were making sure we had privacy. I didn't know you were coming back for me. 

I did know that you were going to spank me. And deep, deep down, even though I pushed you away, and I fought, and I railed against you, I knew I needed you to stop me. 

I knew it wasn't you I was fighting. 

But you know me. You know the beating of my heart, the thoughts that cross my mind, what I want, and what I need. 

And you love me. Oh, how you love me. Never have I seen the depth of your love as I've seen in these past few months. 

You came back to me. You took my angry, irrational, overwrought self, and you calmly, firmly, without a word, spanked the frustration out of me until I wept. 

And then you held me. You told me you weren't angry, and you weren't punishing me, you were only stopping me. Stopping me from hurting myself. Stopping me from hurting us. 

You know me. You know when I lift my chin and turn away, that I'm not submitting. You know there's something there, something you never let lie dormant. You see it in the clenching of my fists and intake of breath. You always know.

You heard it in my voice the other night. I tried to hide it again. I didn't know why I was angry, but you're my safe place. So I pushed.

You knew by the tone of my voice I wasn't right. You called my name. 

I came to you, and you sternly instructed me to kneel. I didn't want to. I wanted to tell you no, I wanted to push you. I wanted to disobey, but I made myself kneel. 

You made me talk, and as I did, it all tumbled out, the thoughts and feelings I didn't even know I was walling up inside me. The hurt and frustration came out, and as tears streamed down my face, you brushed them away and listened.

And I was a little bit better, as you helped me heal.

You know it's not you I'm angry at. You know I just need some space, and time, as I go on, moving past this hurt that won't ever completely heal, or completely go away. 

I love that you are helping me heal. 

You are so good to me. 

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like when I get angry with you, when you've done nothing at all to deserve my anger. It's not you. But you know that. I'm so thankful you know that.

A few nights ago, I started again. I felt the anger mounting, and I lost my control. I stood, fists clenched by my side, angry, venomous words spilling out of my mouth, and you knew. You knew it was happening again. Your blue, blue eyes pierced right through me and one phrase stopped me. The one phrase you say, in that stern voice of yours, that grabs me by the shoulders and makes me stop. 

"Come here." 

"I don't want to," I whispered, but of course you didn't take that for your answer. So I obeyed, reluctantly, as I crossed the room. I wondered if I would get a spanking again. I knew I deserved a spanking.

But you told me to hold your hand. I obeyed. 

"Lay your head on my chest," you commanded, and I didn't want to. But I did. And as my head sank to your chest, my hand clasped in yours, your other hand began to stroke my hair, and my anger was gone. 

"I don't want you to get a spanking," you whispered, and I felt the tears begin. "You don't need to get in trouble. Not tonight," you said, and the words began to tumble out of my mouth. 

My anger was gone, as you held me. As you listened. 

As you helped me heal. 

Every single day, it gets just a little bit better. 

Every time I wake from a bad dream, when the hurt and sadness comes to me even in my sleep, and you hold me, and tell me you will always be there for me, and you tuck me back in and whisper calming, sweet things until I fall back asleep under the protection of your arms. 

Every time you put me over your lap and spank the frustration out of me. 

Every time you put your arms around me and say, "You will get through this, and I'm helping you," it gets just that much easier to bear. 

Every time you whisper, "Go to sleep, little one," before bed, and you kiss me, it becomes that much easier to bear. 

Every tear you wipe away. Every tearful memory you listen to. Every time you make me laugh. 

You help me heal. 

And I will always love you for that. 

35 comments:

  1. Beautiful & heart wrenching post.....I am so so sorry you are hurting but so glad you are healing & that Jason is able to really help you through the process.....I am sending you "reinforcement" healing prayers for you & prayers of strength for Jason, hopefully to give you both a boost.
    Love,
    Scarlet

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    1. Thank you for your sweet message, Scarlet. Let's talk soon. ((hugs))

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  2. Simply beautifully stated. I am glad he is there to help you and provide your needs during this hard time. Continue to let him in so he can help you. He loves you...

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    1. I'm doing my best to do just that, and he truly does love me. Thank you so much, Catherine.

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  3. Happy you are feeling better and that he has you in his heart and hands.

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  4. So sorry for your pain and anger. I'm glad Jason knows you so well and can help you through it. I hope in time that it gets easier to lean into his loving comfort and your frustrations ease.

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    1. Every day gets a bit better. Thank you.

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  5. Just beautiful in so many ways; from the writing toe the emotions to the message.
    It is not easy, but it seems like he is really being there for you in all the ways necessary during this time.

    Continued positive thoughts,
    Enzo

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    1. Thank you, Enzo. He truly is. And I appreciate the positive thoughts as well.

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  6. Your post touched me so deeply. I lost my father 20 years ago and I feel his loss so deeply even today. I understand the anger, the frustration, the stress. I am so glad that you have Jason to help you through this time. The almost self-destructive feelings of grief are at times overwhelming and knowing he is there to hold you, comfort you and set you back on your path is so beautiful. You are both so blessed that you have each other for support and your love shines through in each line you write about yourselves and your relationship.

    I hope this grieving will end for you soon and you will feel the peace that follows. The loss will always be there but the good memories will help you get through the sad times and Jason will always catch you when you fall. You are in my prayers.
    Ladybrittany

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    1. Brittany, what a sweet message. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well, even though it was many years ago. I believe that the loss is still so keen. I feel absolutely blessed, and thankful for what we have. Thank you for the reminder.

      Some days I am at peace...some days I am struggling still...but it's getting better and I am so grateful he's there for me.

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  7. Beautiful. I hope that you heal quickly.

    Hug,
    joey

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  8. Oh Jason's Girl, I remember those days after. There were truly awful. You are so very blessed, because those feelings lasted for years for me and actually transformed me into a person I didn't recognize after a while.

    Thankfully you are not alone and your husband is not letting you go it alone. None of this is easy. There is no quick fix, but he seems to know what you need. You are blessed indeed.
    willie

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    1. Willie, I completely agree with you, I am blessed indeed. It's been the most beautiful part of this whole experience...how he's helped me, and loved me through it all.

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  9. This is such a beautiful post. You are so very lucky to have Jason. I pray that you heal from the anger, loss, and frustration soon.

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    1. Thank you. I feel blessed to the tips of my toes. :) It's getting a bit easier all the time.

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  10. I am so glad that you do not have to try and go through the healing process by yourself. I'm glad that even when you push, he knows exactly what you need.
    Hugs
    Kim

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  11. This is such a beautiful post! I am so sorry about the loss of you dad. I'm so glad that Jason is giving you what you need.

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    1. Good to see you, Leah. And thank you for your kind comment.

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  12. I can't tell you how much I love this post. I am crying so hard as I read it. My pain right now is so different then yours, and I can't even imagine what you are going through. But, I understand all these feelings so well right now.
    I'm so glad you have Jason to be your rock and give you what you need.
    I can't tell you the hurt will ever be less, but you will get stronger with it in time.
    Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers!
    ~Hugs~

    ~Olive

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    1. Olive, I am so sorry you are experiencing pain as well, but I'm glad you were able to empathize with this post. I am so glad I have him as well. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat. ((hugs))

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  13. Dear JGirl,
    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your are in very good hands with a wonderful loving HoH. I'm happy that you have him to help you heal. Thea

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  14. I am sorry for whatever you're going through but glad he is there for you.

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    1. It is one silver lining... thank you.

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  15. I'm late to comment but I just fell in love with this post. It's how I've felt before and that feeling when my husband says "come here" is overwhelming. I've been there so many times. I have also been there when he's said no spanking tonight because he just knew that right then I needed love. There's something SO magical about a partner who GETS you and understands your soul. I am so glad you have someone like that. It makes life all the more wonderful. Hugs, m.

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    1. Thank you, Maryanne. It's really so true, how much better life is when you have someone by your side who understands.

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