Friday, April 11, 2014

Dragon Slayer

Something happened here a week or so ago that I wanted to share.

You see, I think it's fairly common, at least in the beginning, to talk about the traits we look for in a Dom or an Hoh.

We want consistency. It makes us feel loved, and cared for, protected, and safe, to have the certainty of consequences. We feel unsettled with a lack of consistency.

We want firmness. We want to feel the strength of a loving hand, leading, guiding, protecting, stopping us when we feel uncertain or overwhelmed.

But we want understanding. Allowing yourself to be led, and consciously allowing yourself to be disciplined, is much more challenging in the actual application than at first it may seem.

It's not always black and white. It's not always easy to know what to do, for either of us. And sometimes, we make mistakes. When we hit bumps in the road...when one of us makes a mistake...when things don't go perfectly, one of two things can happen. We can allow those challenges to push us apart, or we can allow those challenges to brings us closer together. But one way we can allow those challenges to bring us closer together is by talking it out. 

It's really something that can't be underestimated, or said too often, or overlooked. 

A good Dom must listen to his submissive. 

And not just listen. Not just nodding and patching up a band-aid wound. He needs to listen, and take what she says to heart. 


Things had kind of gotten out of hand here. I'd allowed myself to get overwhelmed. Now, we have a certain protocol for this situation, and in my defense, I followed what I was supposed to do. I came and told him. Without getting into too much detail, it didn't go over so well.

One thing led to another, and I spouted off some things I really shouldn't have said. I did this thing that I do sometimes, where I try to say something rude and disrespectful in a meek tone of voice, somehow convincing myself if I say it nicely (and don't yell it across the house peppered with curse words) then it will get past his radar. Ha!

We got to the dinner table, and I'd convinced myself I'd gotten under his radar, so I was surprised to see him looking sternly across the table at me, gesture silently upstairs and mouth the words "after dinner." I was scrambling, wondering to myself why I had gotten the summons, and after dinner I got things cleaned up and obeyed him. He was waiting for me. He instructed me to kneel, told me exactly why I was in trouble, and after a stern lecture he put me over his lap and spanked me soundly.

When he was done, he hugged me and told me what he expected, then sent me back downstairs. I was repentant. I was meek. During his lecture, I'd recognized the error of my ways and realized he was exactly right (why is he always right?), and what I'd done wasn't acceptable. I deserved a spanking, and I knew it.

But as the night went on, I didn't feel right. I felt unsettled, and saddened. I wasn't really sure why. I knew it was more than the fact that I'd been punished. When I feel that way, I want to know why, so I thought about it and thought about it, and finally I understood. Honestly, I thought the circumstances leading up to my punishment weren't fair.

The kids went to bed. I shuffled into my room, where he was reading.

He looked up, still somewhat stern. Occasionally after I've been chastened he's not gotten repentance out of me but indignation. So he is always probing, making sure we're good again. He narrowed his eyes. "Are you moping?" 

I shook my head. No, I wasn't, I knew it wasn't that. "No, sir."

"Then what is it?" 

"Well, something's bothering me," I began, and without pulling any punches, I told him why I was upset. I told him I'd done what I was supposed to when I was overwhelmed, but he hadn't upheld his part of the bargain. After a minute, he interrupted me, said "I understand your point. Now go take your shower, while I think this over."

I obeyed quickly, giving him space to think.

But when I came back, I had more to say. I was a little nervous, not because I'm afraid of Jason, but because I really wanted the discomfort behind us. We had a nice evening planned, and I didn't want any unpleasantness ruining that. So I swallowed hard, turned to him, and said, "There were a few other things I had to say."

And at that point he did the very best thing he could've done. He smiled, lifted his arm for me to come over, and said, "Come, talk to me, baby doll."

I felt important. I felt understood. I walked over to the bed, crawled over, and snuggled under his arm.

So I did what he said. I bared my heart and soul to him, as he nodded, and listened, and let me say all that was troubling me. I spoke politely, but told him exactly what was on my mind. 

He leaned down, his arms tight around me, and kissed the top of my head.

I made sure I told him that I knew what I'd done was wrong, and that I deserved to be punished, and I didn't blame him for punishing me. I'd accepted my part, and I was honestly grateful he did what he did. We have rules and the rules are there for a reason. 

I told him all that was on my heart, and he listened.

"I understand, baby girl, and this is what we're going to do to make sure that doesn't happen again." And he did what he does. He calmly, patiently, led us. He acknowledged my hurt. He apologized for his part in it. And he came up with a plan to make sure it doesn't happen again. 

Then he did the very best thing he could've done once again. 

"Is there anything else on your mind, little one?" 

At that point? You know what was on my mind? What a very lucky girl I am. How much I am loved, and how very good he is to me. 

We came to a bump in the road and he led us over that bump. He led us onward and upward with integrity and strength. 

And this is why talking out our problems can bring us closer.  He feels that I trust him, and respect him, when I bring my troubles to him. Every time he listens, I feel important to him.

It's so very simple. This is how he slays my dragons. This is how he rescues me. He takes my day to day troubles and makes them melt away.


16 comments:

  1. This is why I love this column. You take the situations that plague us all and explain them with such clarity and wisdom. You show us through your DD experience how you and Jason solve the problems we may have, sometimes before they happen. It gives us the information necessary to avoid the bumps in the road or to navigate them, hopefully as skillfully as the two of you. I am so impressed by the dynamic the two of you share. You are an inspiration and I am so glad you are back. Ladybrittany

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    1. Lady Brittany, thank you so much for this comment. The mistakes are absolutely unavoidable. But if we can work through them together, it's worth it in the end!

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  2. It's so great to read a post from you! I miss you! This was a great post & due to some stuff going on with us right now, this totally had me in tears...of happiness for you & not so happiness for how I chose to handle a bump in the road for us. It's a new day though so I have a chance to try again. Thanks for that reminder.
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Scarlet, I miss you, too! What a great attitude you have. I certainly haven't always done things the way described here...I used this as an example because it worked well for us. There is so much trial and error. But yes, every day is a new day!

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  3. This is a great post, and a reminder that in dd we have a responsibility to openly communicate with our partners. They can't do their jobs well if we don't share fully of ourselves, and holding things back creates bricks that we use to wall off our hearts. Glad to see you posting :-)

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    1. Yes, I completely agree, the necessity of open and honest communication cannot be underestimated! Thank you :)

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  4. You have a knack of describing how I think and feel south better than I can put it into words.
    You two seem to make a great team even as you navigate the bumps and errors.

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    1. thank you, Janey. I do feel like we are a good team, and for that I am grateful.

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  5. He's always right :) maybe we don't REALLY wanna know their secret on this. Then they wouldn't have those dragons to occasionally slay and be our hero.

    Taking that swallow and getting things all out can be hard but in time learning to communicate to figure out what was amiss and how to fix it gets easier and is essential.

    Beautiful post sweets! ;)

    <3 C

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    1. Good point. .Maybe it's good we're kept in the dark! lol But yes, I agree. It gets easier with time! Hugs, C.

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  6. What a great post...and so true. I think that's one of the things we're still figuring out is communication. I have a hard time going to him and telling him how I feel (something I'm working on). I know he's there for me. He always is when I ask to talk to him. So glad Jason is you're dragon slayer. Every girl needs one!

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    1. It's something that is very difficult, and takes time to learn how to communicate effectively Keep at it, Maggie!

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  7. Beautiful post.
    ~Elizabeth

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