Something happened here a week or so ago that I wanted to share.
You see, I think it's fairly common, at least in the beginning, to talk about the traits we look for in a Dom or an Hoh.
We want consistency. It makes us feel loved, and cared for, protected, and safe, to have the certainty of consequences. We feel unsettled with a lack of consistency.
We want firmness. We want to feel the strength of a loving hand, leading, guiding, protecting, stopping us when we feel uncertain or overwhelmed.
But we want understanding. Allowing yourself to be led, and consciously allowing yourself to be disciplined, is much more challenging in the actual application than at first it may seem.
It's not always black and white. It's not always easy to know what to do, for either of us. And sometimes, we make mistakes. When we hit bumps in the road...when one of us makes a mistake...when things don't go perfectly, one of two things can happen. We can allow those challenges to push us apart, or we can allow those challenges to brings us closer together. But one way we can allow those challenges to bring us closer together is by talking it out.
It's really something that can't be underestimated, or said too often, or overlooked.
A good Dom must listen to his submissive.
And not just listen. Not just nodding and patching up a band-aid wound. He needs to listen, and take what she says to heart.
Things had kind of gotten out of hand here. I'd allowed myself to get overwhelmed. Now, we have a certain protocol for this situation, and in my defense, I followed what I was supposed to do. I came and told him. Without getting into too much detail, it didn't go over so well.
One thing led to another, and I spouted off some things I really shouldn't have said. I did this thing that I do sometimes, where I try to say something rude and disrespectful in a meek tone of voice, somehow convincing myself if I say it nicely (and don't yell it across the house peppered with curse words) then it will get past his radar. Ha!
We got to the dinner table, and I'd convinced myself I'd gotten under his radar, so I was surprised to see him looking sternly across the table at me, gesture silently upstairs and mouth the words "after dinner." I was scrambling, wondering to myself why I had gotten the summons, and after dinner I got things cleaned up and obeyed him. He was waiting for me. He instructed me to kneel, told me exactly why I was in trouble, and after a stern lecture he put me over his lap and spanked me soundly.
When he was done, he hugged me and told me what he expected, then sent me back downstairs. I was repentant. I was meek. During his lecture, I'd recognized the error of my ways and realized he was exactly right (why is he always right?), and what I'd done wasn't acceptable. I deserved a spanking, and I knew it.
But as the night went on, I didn't feel right. I felt unsettled, and saddened. I wasn't really sure why. I knew it was more than the fact that I'd been punished. When I feel that way, I want to know why, so I thought about it and thought about it, and finally I understood. Honestly, I thought the circumstances leading up to my punishment weren't fair.
The kids went to bed. I shuffled into my room, where he was reading.
He looked up, still somewhat stern. Occasionally after I've been chastened he's not gotten repentance out of me but indignation. So he is always probing, making sure we're good again. He narrowed his eyes. "Are you moping?"
I shook my head. No, I wasn't, I knew it wasn't that. "No, sir."
"Then what is it?"
"Well, something's bothering me," I began, and without pulling any punches, I told him why I was upset. I told him I'd done what I was supposed to when I was overwhelmed, but he hadn't upheld his part of the bargain. After a minute, he interrupted me, said "I understand your point. Now go take your shower, while I think this over."
I obeyed quickly, giving him space to think.
But when I came back, I had more to say. I was a little nervous, not because I'm afraid of Jason, but because I really wanted the discomfort behind us. We had a nice evening planned, and I didn't want any unpleasantness ruining that. So I swallowed hard, turned to him, and said, "There were a few other things I had to say."
And at that point he did the very best thing he could've done. He smiled, lifted his arm for me to come over, and said, "Come, talk to me, baby doll."
I felt important. I felt understood. I walked over to the bed, crawled over, and snuggled under his arm.
So I did what he said. I bared my heart and soul to him, as he nodded, and listened, and let me say all that was troubling me. I spoke politely, but told him exactly what was on my mind.
He leaned down, his arms tight around me, and kissed the top of my head.
I made sure I told him that I knew what I'd done was wrong, and that I deserved to be punished, and I didn't blame him for punishing me. I'd accepted my part, and I was honestly grateful he did what he did. We have rules and the rules are there for a reason.
I told him all that was on my heart, and he listened.
"I understand, baby girl, and this is what we're going to do to make sure that doesn't happen again." And he did what he does. He calmly, patiently, led us. He acknowledged my hurt. He apologized for his part in it. And he came up with a plan to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Then he did the very best thing he could've done once again.
"Is there anything else on your mind, little one?"
At that point? You know what was on my mind? What a very lucky girl I am. How much I am loved, and how very good he is to me.
We came to a bump in the road and he led us over that bump. He led us onward and upward with integrity and strength.
And this is why talking out our problems can bring us closer. He feels that I trust him, and respect him, when I bring my troubles to him. Every time he listens, I feel important to him.
It's so very simple. This is how he slays my dragons. This is how he rescues me. He takes my day to day troubles and makes them melt away.