Monday, May 5, 2014

A Good Dom

I'm really wanting to get back into blogging. I want to get back into writing! I miss it. I have a list of things I want to write about, and things I want to blog about, so today I decided the best way to get back into it is by writing about a topic I've been asked to write about many, many times. I've lost track of how many people have asked me, "What do you think makes a Good Dom?"

It's really not a very easy question to answer. Domming is almost an art form, as is the very difficult act of Submission. How it plays out with a relationship is going to vary greatly. I think it's vitally important for any couple who desires any form of d/s in their relationship (be it a more rules-based dynamic, or a more all-encompassing roles-based dynamic) to keep in mind that things like how a couple relates, what their expectations are, what their history is, their personalities, etc., all affect how their dynamic will play out.

So please understand, this is in no way an exhaustive list, or an attempt to say "this is the only way to do things." This is what works for us. Those who do things differently aren't doing it the "wrong" way, or "badly." What works for a couple varies greatly; this is why good communication is so essential. 

The D/S dynamic Jason and I have has been an evolution. For those who are reading who want to find, or build, a working D/S dynamic, it is a process that takes time, work, and a great deal of patience. Please bear with me, as over the next few weeks I hope to share a little bit more about our story, and how things began for us. I hope to share things that worked for us, and how we both came to the place where we moved from a mild D/S dynamic, to a somewhat rules-based DD dynamic, to a more intense, roles-based D/S dynamic.

Life isn't perfect. We have our ups and downs like any couple, and in D/S, as I've said before, the highs are high and the lows are low.

But the time I've spent in the community, communicating with doms and subs, and reading, and listening, and seeing how my own relationship plays out with Jason, I've come to a place where I think there are some things that are fairly widely accepted and desired.

So I thought I would begin with an explanation of how things went here a few days ago, and take it from there. 

The day began bright and early. We were hosting a party. I had spent a good deal of time preparing our home, preparing food, and everything was ready to go. Decorations had been made and assembled, food was prepared, clothes laid out. But before my day had hardly begun, Jason called me to him. I wake up before him and he either texts me or tells me ahead of time when he wants his coffee. I brought him his coffee, and he began with a smile and a quiet command. I had a million things to do, so I handed him his coffee and said, "I'm just going to go and do --" and he interrupted. "No, you're not. You're going to come here and sit by me." A funny thing happens to me when he stops me. It's hard to describe. But because his dominance brings me security, and because I also know he has absolutely no tolerance for anything short of immediate and pleasant obedience, my instinct is to immediately do what he asks.

A Good Dom leads with confidence. He doesn't bluster or swagger, though occasionally he has his chest-pounding moments. Dominance is heady stuff. But he tempers his power with gentleness. 

"Come and lie your head down on me." So with a smile on my face, I obeyed. He gently stroked my hair, and kissed the top of my head. "We need to start this day off right. I need to check you in." The smile on his face fled, and with a gentle finger under my chin, he lifted my eyes to his and said, "Tell me your rules and what I expect." I did, meekly going over what's expected of me. He gave me a stern look and said, "I expect you to obey me today. I know you get overwhelmed sometimes. But I want you to remember that you are to treat me with respect, or I will punish you." I nodded, and he smiled and kissed me again.

A Good Dom has his submissive's best interest in mind. Because of this, he requires her immediate obedience. He knows they are both happiest when their is no dissension, and he knows his display of strength brings her peace. So he never allows a contrary attitude. He is firm with her.  He lets her know with the way he touches her, the way he looks at her, and the way he speaks, who is in charge. But he knows her heart is in his hands, so he treats her with kindness. 

After we went over my rules, he instructed me to kneel. He reiterated his expectations of me, then ordered, "Come and lie across my lap." I obeyed. My head on the bed, his knees under my belly, I already felt the tension and apprehension I had about the busy day ahead of me fleeing. I am happiest in my submissive place, and he knows this, so the very act of getting into this submissive position brings me relief. He spanked me, reminding me who was in charge, what he expected, and that he knew I would get through the day, and that he would help me. It was a role affirmation/stress relief spanking that was just what the doctor ordered. 

 A Good Dom requires submission with the physical. He knows having her in a submissive posture -- kneeling, sitting by his feet, laying across his lap -- helps reinforce his role as Dom and her role as Submissive. He knows she needs to be spanked, and for many reasons. He spanks her to punish her if need be. He dislikes punishing her, because it hurts her. But he also knows that he must discipline when necessary. So he does not hesitate. He knows a good spanking puts her in her place, and he knows she is happiest there, so he often uses requests for her physical submission.

And our day began. I did what I needed to, and any time there was a question about what to do and when, he quietly instructed me. "No, we don't have time for you to run your errand now, so go take your shower first." If I needed his help, I asked him politely, using words like "May I speak with you?" And "Can you please help me with this?" We were a team, preparing for our party. I watched with a smile on my face as he was silly, sweet, and attentive with our many children. Whenever he walked past me, he gently tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, rested his hand on the small of my back, whispered into my ear, kissed my forehead.

A Good Dom uses frequent physical reminders of his presence, which reminds his Submissive of how much she means to him. 

Something happened early on in the day that upset me. It was a sad thing, something not going as expected, which was so disappointing and saddening to me, it brought me to tears. It was such a letdown, and the emotional toll was difficult to bear. But I had a party to host. I had people depending on me. I had children to tend to. I had food to serve, and guests to take care of. So I wiped my eyes and swallowed my tears until the first possible moment I could speak to Jason.

My instinct when I am sad is always go to him. 

When I saw him, I looked up at him and he knew I had to speak to him, so he came to me, and I whispered in his ear what had happened. It took one brief sentence. He instantly reached for my hand and drew me closer. He gave me three hand squeezes, our signal for "I love you," then whispered, "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Hang in there. I promise, tonight when everyone goes home, I will make it up to you." He drew me close for a hug, asked if I was okay, and with a smile on my face, I nodded. The sadness melted away and I felt peace.

I knew what he meant when he said he would make it up to me. He meant he would take care of me. If I needed him to, he would relieve my sadness and stress with a spanking. He would listen to me as long as I needed if I needed to talk. He would hold me if I needed to cry. He would remind me I am his, and he loves me. In short, he would make it all better again.

A Good Dom is attentive to his Submissive's emotions. He knows she needs to be understood. So he watches her, attune to her cues, and he strives to meet her needs. He knows he has the power to make things better, so when he can, he does, with quiet and confident strength. He makes time for her. He reminds her how important she is to him. 

Things got very, very busy. I moved from one thing to the next, cleaning things up, socializing, bringing out more food, laughing and talking. From time to time, Jason would give me a command. To the average person, it would seem like very little. I was teasing him at one point, and he very slightly narrowed his eyes at me to remind me to be respectful. He gave me small, but pointed instructions.

A Good Dom frequently requires small acts of submission to remind his Submissive of her role. 

The party came to an end. Our last guests finally went home. Jason took care of our kids and retreated to take some down time. We cleaned up together, both of us doing what had to be done, me preparing dinner and finishing some clean up, as he helped our kids clean up their play room and put them all to bed. Finally, the house was quiet and we were alone.

I curled myself up next to him and laid my head in his lap. "You did such a wonderful job today," he said. "I am so proud of you. Everything was excellent. The house looked fantastic, the food was perfect, and our guests were happy. You did such an amazing job." Right there, right then, everything I worked hard on was all worth it. He reached out his hand and smoothed my hair, then his hand when to the nape of my neck and tightened on my hair, his way of telling me I've got you.

A Good Dom metes out praise, but does so somewhat sparingly. He has high expectations, and he often has challenging requirements of his Submissive, but he sees her efforts. He knows how happy his praise makes her. So when the time comes, he tells her she is his good girl. He tells her he sees how hard she has tried. He tells her she makes him proud.

We laughed watching some tv together, then he said it was time for bed. He gave me a few more instructions, which I obeyed, but at this point, I was exhausted.

I got myself ready for bed and was already almost dozing when he came in the room. He made sure I was fully awake. He spanked me,  not a punishment spanking, but a firm one, more than a tease. At one point I even protested. It took me by surprise, and but he reminded me firmly who was in charge by asking me, "When does this spanking end?" And I responded, "When you say it does." 

He pushed me past the point I even wanted with a firm spanking, but after I submitted to him, he held me in his arms and told me he wanted me to let go, and he needed me in my place again, to remind me who he was, and who I was, and honestly it was the perfect stress relief spanking. Reminded me to let go, and trust him, and submit to him even when I don't want to. I was back in my happy submissive place. 

He rewarded me with even better things.  In short, he fulfilled the promise he made earlier of taking care of me later that night. Our night ended with some time together we both seriously needed.

"Time to go to bed now, baby girl," he said, as he tucked me into bed, tired but content, and so very grateful he takes care of me.

A Good Dom takes care of his Submissive. Her submission is dear to him, so he doesn't abuse it. He leads her with integrity. If he makes a mistake, he asks her forgiveness. When he doesn't know what she needs, he asks her. 

She knows she is precious to him. He is so good to her, she looks at him with nothing short of adoration. Her happiness is in pleasing him. He guides her, protects her, and takes care of her.

In short, a Good Dom loves his Submissive, in every possible way. 


  1. This is a precious post. It made me stop and really appreciate all the little things my husband does for/to me throughout the day. I can't wait to read the rest of this series :-)

  2. Very beautifully written. Thank you.

  3. Another, incredibly beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

  4. I loved this post!
    Thanks so much for sharing!

  5. This post is beautiful & totally brought me to tears....we are stuggling so much right now & I am trying to be patient....I am going to share this post with my husband. Thank you for this...
    Scarlet ; )

  6. I'm glad you got to write again. Selfishly, of course, but I can also tell how writing makes you happy.

  7. Thank you! I LOVE your posts.

  8. I don't disagree with what you have said in any shape or form, because it pretty well matches my own desires and needs in a relationship.

    On the other hand though, I don't know that it's really possible to define a "good Dom" in an across the board way, since, in my opinion only, the requisite qualities are likely to vary greatly according to the needs and personalities of the two people in the individual relationship. In SOME relationships verbal communication and questions may be far more necessary than they are in others, in which instinct and unspoken familiarity are more of prominent feature.

    Also, in some degrees of power exchange there are different expectations on the part of the sub/TIH, who may actually *desire* and need an uncompromising and inflexible approach and enter into the relationship with this as a known and accepted factor.

  9. PERFECT, whether I reach to that level connection with someone, that perfect balance of dominance and understanding, only time will tell. But I will aspire to it.

  10. I apologize for not responding to individual comments. Blogger won't let me! My computer is having some issues and slowing things down, so I had to reply in one comment.

    Thank you, River Wild! Sometimes I think the small things are even more important than the big ones.

    Needey T, thank you. And thanks for stopping by. :)

    BeingChristie, I'm not always sure what to share or how, but I'm glad this post resonated.

    Katherine, Thank you!

    Scarlet, I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope sharing helps. I know how difficult it can be to figure things out sometimes.

    Leah, writing does make me happy, thank you! It's a way of processing things for me.

    Discipline and Love/Ros, I completely agree with you that it's impossible to define. This is why I chose this method -- just examples of an everyday exchange between me and Jason to show how things work here. But it is not something that is hard and fast, or universal, so very difficult to really explain or define.

    Simon, what a kind comment, thank you. I certainly hope you also attain that level of connection with someone.


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