Monday, July 28, 2014

All of Me

So, there's this new song, that maybe you've you've already heard. Or, maybe, like me, you've bought it, downloaded, and played it a million times. "All of Me," by John Legend. If you haven't yet heard it, give it a go.



Interestingly, when I first heard it, I thought, "Wow, this is like the D/S theme song." But when I spoke of it to a friend of mine who isn't D/S, she said, "No, I don't see it that way. I see it as a song about unconditional love."

Unconditional love, I thought....Yes. The song is about unconditional love, and mutual self-giving. 

So, yes....to me? It is about D/S. Because isn't that at the heart of it all? Unconditional love, and giving ourselves to one another?

I've never heard a song before that seemed to just capture it all so beautifully. In fact, when I listen to it, I have a weird reaction. Visions flash through my mind...one after another. I hear things Jason has said. I hear things I've said. I see us, struggling, and making it through, learning and giving it one more try...



"All Of Me"

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down

"I don't want you to change," he says, shaking his head. " I want to do this. I don't want you to be quiet and mousy and lose who you are. I want you to tell me how you really feel. I want you to speak your mind." He smiles. "I just want you to do it respectfully." 


What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

I'm kneeling. His hand is under my chin, forcing me to make eye contact. I don't want to. I'm hurt. I don't want to let him in. I don't want him to see. 

I don't want to cry. 

"Don't look away," he whispers. "I need to look into your eyes. Don't pull away from me," he commands, quietly, but he means it. 

I look at him. I swallow, and I feel the tears coming. 

"I don't know if I can do this," I whisper, tears beginning, and he knows what I mean. Keep putting myself out there. Keep spilling all. Keep being open, and vulnerable. 

"Talk to me," he says. 

I take a deep breath. And I begin...


My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

I'm standing in front of the mirror. I sigh. He comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I try...I eat well, I exercise, I do what I'm supposed to do. I try hard...but still, I'm not always happy with what I see. 

"What is it, baby girl?" 

I look at my body, that's changed after all these years, after all these babies. My hands on my belly, I don't say anything at first. I'm not allowed to criticize my body. He'll punish me if I do.

"It's not enough," I say. "I keep working at it, keep trying, and still, the progress is so slow." 

He takes me by the hand, and leads me over to the bed. He sits, and pulls me over to him, so his hands are on either side of my waist and I'm standing between his legs. He's smiling his quiet, soft smile, the one that says "I love you and you're so precious to me." 

He leans over and kisses my belly. "I love your body," he murmurs. "You're gorgeous. I get within two feet of you and you start turning me on."

I giggle. "No way," I protest, but it's a very weak protest. 

He leans down and kisses my belly again. I squirm. It's ticklish and sexy, all at once. "This isn't fat," he says. "This is love. This body gave me my children." 

He leans over and kisses me again, tracing a pattern on my bare skin. 

"Don't you know how beautiful you are?"

I forget what it was I was ever complaining about...


Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning

I'm waking from a bad dream. I don't know what it's about, but I'm scared. 

I wake up, and I go right from my dream to an anxiety attack. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. 

"I can't breathe," I gasp, panting next to Jason. 

He's instantly there, cradling me in his arms. 

"Breathe, baby," he says. "I'm here." 

I feel him, his strength, I hear his voice, and I try. 

I focus on breathing. 

I focus on relaxing. 

I focus on doing what he says, and I slowly settle into his arms, calmed again, as he holds me until I fall back asleep...


'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too

I'm on my knees, my head in his lap, and I'm crying. He's just punished me, for not paying attention and doing something dangerous. It was a hard punishment to take. But somehow, today, the spanking he gave me touched a raw nerve, and I'm undone. All that I've been holding onto comes crashing, and I'm helpless to stop the tears that keep coming. 

I'm crying, hard, and I can't stop. 

"Let it out," he says. 

I lift my head and his thumb brushes my tears away. 

"How do you feel when I cry?" I ask, sniffling through my tears. "Does it bother you?" 

"No," he says. "I feel like I've gotten through to you. And when you cry, you're beautiful, because you are mine." 


The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you


It's been a very long, stressful day. The kids have been difficult, and I've had an enormous list of things that need to be done and even more yet that still need to be done. I'm physically and emotionally drained. 

But he's home now. We don't even talk. I haven't even told him what the day has been like. I smile at him, as I don't want to dump it all on him the minute he comes home from work. There will be time to talk, but right now we say nothing. 

The kids start talking, one is crying, another is hungry. They adore him, so they clamor, trying to get at him first, telling him There is chaos and noise, and he reaches for my hand, giving me the "I love you" signal. 

I don't even have to talk to him. We don't even have to be alone. All at once, I can breathe easy again. 


My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind


He's playing his guitar. He's a master at playing. It thrills me, to see his hands on slim body of it. It reminds me that he plays my body like I'm his instrument, masterfully, beautifully, putty in his hands, obeying his every move. 

But today, he's jamming. The amps are pumping out music that moves me to my core, and I'm dancing in our living room as he watches, and he plays. Kicking my heels back and moving in time, our kids come in, and we're all laughing. It's a rock concert in our living room. 

Music and joy, and he's the master of it all...


'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

I'm kneeling. We've had an argument, and I've put up my wall. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I want to give up. 

Sometimes, it's too hard. Sometimes, it hurts too much. 

"I want you to come back to me," he says. "Come back. I want my good girl back. I don't want this to be between us anymore." 

"I know," I whisper. "I want to be back. But I don't know how to get back there." 

He gives me a long, steady stare. 

"Get over my lap," he instructs. 

I obey. 

And he brings me back...


'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you


We're walking, side by side, our kids milling around us. To the rest, we seem like the average couple, maybe. They don't know that the silver necklace around my neck locks, and that I can't take it off. That I reach for it when I'm feeling nervous, or troubled, or I miss him. That it's a constant reminder that I am his, his submissive, and he is my Dominant. 

Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. 

He gives me my hand signal and I look up at him. He's smiling his quirky, knowing smile. He's just given me the signal for "Be a good girl." 

I lean over and kiss his cheek and whisper, "Yes, sir." 

He smiles. "That's my good girl," he says. 

I feel happy. I feel safe. 

I feel loved.

18 comments:

  1. That is exactly how I felt about this song the 1st time I heard it, and the feeling only intensified once Clark told me that he too felt this way about the song. I also have memories & feelings attached to the song-thank you so much for sharing yours.....
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Thank you, Scarlet! It's funny, Jason does NOT feel the way I do about the song! He's all macho about it and makes fun of me lol. Too sappy for him!

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  2. This is wonderful, and I feel the same way when I hear this song. Beautiful :-)

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    1. It really resonates with d/s, doesn't it? Thanks, River. :)

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  3. Beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.

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    1. And thank you, Christie, for visiting, and for your support. :)

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  4. This has been my new favorite song, I play it so much that I have been driving my kids nuts! Rog and I were just talking about this song and how it fits us so perfectly.

    Thank you for sharing on ow this song relates to your relationship, It really is so beautiful!
    Kim

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    1. I have to admit, I am a hopeless romantic. Jason is not! lol So enjoy the fact that your husband agrees it fits you perfectly. Jason teases me mercilessly! But it's cute. ;)

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  5. You have such a wonderful writing style. It probably is evidence of great communication skills between the two of you that comes through in your posts.Your husband is a lucky man that you appreciate (and love) him so much. He does sound like he knows and loves you well also.

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    1. Thank you, Kate. I think our improved communication skills are definitely one of the benefits of d/s we never anticipated. It is absolutely true that he knows me better than I know myself.

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  6. Thank you for sharing with us. I look forward to each and every one of your posts. They are helping shape me into the person that I want to be. My husband is not on board with D/s, so I am working on becoming submissive on my own. When I need to be softer, I will listen to this song and think of this post and remind myself of what it is I want.

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    1. Brooke, what a great comment. Thank you so much. One of the biggest reasons I blog is because I want to encourage those who want to incorporate d/s into their relationship. Continue doing your part, as even if he was completely on board, that's where it all begins.

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  7. Lee & I LOVE this song also, I have played it so much our kids are so sick of it. Just says so much to us both.
    honey

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    1. Thanks, honey. You two are so cute, truly!!

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  8. I loved this post. Found myself in tears a couple times. So touching, so real, and so accurate.

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