Saturday, July 26, 2014

But what if he doesn't notice? Consistently consistent (part two)

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on some thoughts I had about consistency

My main point in writing that post was two-fold: consistency means he exercises his right to punish when and how he wants to (not when and how I want him to), but I also explored some of the reasons some of us really crave consistency. I asked you readers to share your thoughts on consistency. 

In the comments section, some of you explained that the issues you have with consistency center more along the lines of how things are addressed. Is an infraction completely ignored? Does the Hoh say his Tih is deserving of punishment, then neglect to follow through? Certainly, this kind of consistency can be problematic, and it's something I see surface in the community time and time again. 

So I thought I'd take a stab at addressing this issue, as it really is a fairly common struggle many DD couples have. 

A bit of a disclaimer here. We do not have an issue with consistency here. Jason means what he says, and my obedience is of utmost importance to him. Not only is he consistent, he does try to deal with infractions as soon as possible. So my opinions on this subject stem from some of the struggles we had early on, not necessarily from something we deal with now. 

Jason initiated the DD side of things for us. I've written about it how things unfolded, and how we ironed out some issues we had with TTWD in this post. As things progressed, the DS side of things unfolded on a whole new level to us. My submission became very important to him. His dominance became the driving force in our dynamic. 

But there was a time when really, the DD side of things was a lot more important to me than it was to him. It was a time of frustration for me, honestly. I was craving his dominance so badly, that I needed to know our rules and the expectations he set for me were important.

And that really is the key to why consistency is important. When he let things slide, I felt like he didn't care. I felt like my efforts were worthless. I didn't understand why we would have rules he wasn't interested in enforcing. If I made the effort to obey him, couldn't he put forth the effort to hold me accountable? 

It really wasn't that he wasn't paying attention. It really wasn't that he didn't care. But just as I had to learn to pay attention to the rules, he had to learn to pay attention to enforcing them. I wasn't going to have an overnight transformation and immediately be able to do all he expected of me perfectly. I needed to realize he wasn't either. 

So, there were times when I would do something that broke one of our rules. Safety things were a given -- they were always important to him, and he would spank me for doing something dangerous without question. With safety issues, his "radar" was always on high alert (and still most certainly is). But sometimes there were other things he would let slide. There were some things he was initially reluctant to make part of our dynamic. 

For example, one of the reasons I wanted DD to be part of our dynamic was because of my temper. And occasionally, I would lose my temper, and he wouldn't stop me, or punish me. Then I would feel guilty. I would start spiraling. "Doesn't how I speak matter to him? Doesn't he know how badly I want him to help me learn to be more respectful?" When those things came up, I would have a few choices. 

I could flat out tell him, "This is when you're supposed to spank me." Well, that wasn't going to work. This is when he would tell me, "I'm the one in charge here, not you." Point taken. 

I could let it slide. But then sometimes I would get into that mental place of feeling...unsettled and uncertain. Feeling like maybe TTWD wasn't really going to work for us. Feeling like maybe he just didn't care! Maybe he didn't even love me anymore! Okay, okay, it didn't get that bad, ever. I'm exaggerating. But I would definitely get into a mental place that was detrimental to us both. 

So I decided on a different approach altogether. 

I would make the choice to submit, whether he required it or not. 

I would apologize for what I'd done wrong, assume he was being lenient, and focus on being thankful for his leniency. Then I would make an effort not to do it again. 

So it would look something like this. 

I would say something rude or disrespectful, and he would walk away, or not respond. Then I would feel awful. 

I would swallow my pride, and go to him, and say, "I'm sorry I was rude. I shouldn't have done that. Please forgive me." 

How he would respond would be up to him. There would be times when he would tell me, "I didn't know you spoke rudely. I wasn't paying attention and I was doing something else." Then he would spank me for it. 

There were times when he would simply smile and thank me for my apology.

There were times when he would tell me he was well aware of the fact I'd been disrespectful, but that he needed some space to calm down, and that if it happened again, I would be punished. 

How he responded was totally up to him. I gave the reigns back to him. But bit by bit, I learned to submit, and bit by bit, he learned to be consistent. 

There were other things that happened too, though, that made me feel like he was being inconsistent. 

There were times when he would tell me I was going to be punished for something and then forget to follow through. Sometimes he wouldn't tell me either way, and I would be left I in trouble? What's going to happen? 

Again, I was left with a few choices. 

I could tell him he had to punish me (ha!). 

I could let it go. But then sometimes I would get into that mental place again...questioning if this mattered to him...feeling uncertain and unsettled. Sometimes, feeling riddled with guilt. 

Or, I could tell him how I felt, and trust him to do what he thought best. In short, I could communicate my feelings and then submit to his ultimate decision. This is what worked best for us. 

I vividly remember how I would go to him and simply say something like, "May I ask you a question?" and would wait for him to give me permission. Then I would say something like, "I know I forgot to do what you asked me. Is that something I'm in trouble for?" or "I feel really guilty about breaking that rule. Should I just let it go? What do you want me to do about that?" 

Whatever he told me...I would do my best to accept. I would submit to his leadership. 

Over time, I accepted that he was going to lead how he saw fit. Over time, he realized that I needed him to be firmer and more consistent. 

Over time, as he became more consistent, I felt understood. I felt important to him. 

Over time, as I submitted to his leadership, he felt appreciated. He felt more able to lead with confidence. 

I'd love to hear how you feel about this topic, readers. Is consistency something you struggle with in your dynamic? How have you dealt with this struggle? 


  1. This is absolutely perfect. Open, honest, respectful communication, and submission to his leadership. This works if he is really desirous and paying attention.

    1. I agree...his being desirous of making this work is also of utmost importance, and if he isn't, perhaps communicating openly is the way to bring about a mutual understanding.

  2. The wisdom with which you made those choices is amazing. It all really comes down to honest communication, even if its hard, and accepting his decision instead of fretting over whether it's what you think you deserve. Those two things I still struggle with some, but I'm getting better :-) I love how you repeatedly said "over time" as well when describing how changes took place in both of you. It's always good to have a reminder that real progress doesn't always happen overnight.

    1. Thank you, River. As I've said before...the only reason I've achieved the ability to do some things well (in this case, communicate effectively) is because I've made every single possible mistake! lol

      And yes, it is absolutely true that none of this happens overnight. Real progress can only come through trial and error, and experience.

  3. Great post, communication really is so important & necessary, and you give examples of very real situations that probably most of us have gone through with great examples of helpful ways to respectfully communicate & learning how to follow his lead no matter how he responds is exactly what I am trying to do now. Our consistancy had really been a problem until maintenance was added twice a week. Because Clark is very committed to making sure maintenance happens it has changed the way he watches me. In the past he would wait for me to do something big & then punish big, or at least promise to, but sometimes things came up with the kids or he was tired & the punishment would go undone for days & I would just go out of my mind waiting & wondering & many times end up earning additional punishment(s) while waiting for the first offense to be dealt with. Now, however he will watch me & say things like "you seem to be getting worked up, you haven't crossed the line yet, but you are very close-let's not have maintenance turn into a punishment ok?" Or "it looks like maintenance wasn't quite effective enough to last you all the way to Wednesday/Saturday, we will be having a just because session tonight to remind you of who is in charge". These are of course at times when he can see that I am stressed & struggling not breaking rules but looking like I may be on the cusp, and that is something he never watched, or even really knew to watch for before. The bottom line is I know I will be getting a spanking at least twice a week and he is trying to help me not to have them be the punishment kind & it means so much to me to know that he is watching & has me like that.
    Thanks again for sharing!
    Scarlet ; )

    1. Hi, Scarlet. Thank you! Reaching that point of knowing he understands you and will be consistent is a huge milestone. Teaching ourselves to follow his lead is challenging, but an essential part of reaching that point where this works for both as a couple.

  4. Apologies to those who took the time to respond. I always try to reply before posting another post, and my latest post went live earlier than I planned accidentally. Will respond soon!

  5. So yes, consistency is definitely something we struggle with, and on both our parts. Right now we're struggling with whether dd/ds is the right fit for us and how that works and without a clear goal in mind, we're inconsistent. He's inconsistent on calling me out and I'm inconsistent on submitting even when he's not noticing.

    There were a couple of "consistency" issues that he was not calling me out on, and in reality, he really didn't care. I cared, and asked him to hold me accountable, and he really did not want to punish. I decided that I would respect his leadership there.

    (Hope this isn't a downer comment.) Would others agree that couples need a clear goal in mind for consistency to happen?

    1. No worries on a "downer" comment, Leah. It's important we support each other, in "down" times and "up" times! We've been through struggles of our own, so I understand.

      I completely agree that couples need a clear goal in mind for consistency to happen, yes. At times, it takes some effort to come to a place of compromise where the needs of both are met.

      For us, it's been a matter of me having to communicate my needs to Jason, and for my part, it's been a matter of accepting what motivates him as well. At times he needed his space. At times, he needed some time to think things over. We've come to a place that conflict resolution is a huge part of why we do this, but the intimacy we discovered as a couple was a large motivator as well.

      My advice is that you keep communicating your needs honestly. Be frank and to the point, and give him space to process that. If punishment isn't something he is comfortable with, consider asking for maintenance. One mistake I made -- and I'm not saying your'e doing this, just speaking from personal experience here -- was making assumptions for Jason's motives, and "deciding for him" in my own mind. I had to get past my discomfort of talking about my needs and struggles so that he knew where my head was at.

      I know this is barely scratching the surface here. We are traveling over the next few weeks, but if you'd like to chat in person, please feel free to shoot me an email at and I will write back at the first opportunity.

  6. CI is generally a quiet man and I don't know what he's thinking a lot of the time. It is really hard when I break a rule, confess it to him over text (or other means) and he doesn't really respond. I don't know if I'm in trouble or not and then I wig out thinking he doesn't care. I love your post about being more submissive and communicating about it. Thanks! I'm going to try it.

    1. Yes, I well know that "wigging out" feeling. It can be really unsettling at times. I'm glad the post helped. Good luck!


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