Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Tight-rope Walker

I'm the kind of person that spins in my head a lot. Maybe it's a female thing. Maybe it's a personality thing. But I'm constantly thinking about things, constantly twirling them around through my mind. 

When we first began this, I remember reading an article, or a comment somewhere, and someone said, "This isn't a lifestyle choice. This is just a small part of who we are. It's not all we are. It's just something we do, but it doesn't define us." 

I spun this for a while. Nearly two years later, I'm still spinning this.

At first, I completely agreed. Yes, yes, that was true! We still were who we were. We weren't different. DD was just a part of how we related to one another. It only happened on occasion, and was far from being the center of our lives. So when I wrote about things, I would choose the word "dynamic" rather than "lifestyle," and I denied that it was all-consuming. 

I don't agree anymore. True, Domestic Discipline -- the actual expectations and enforcement of those rules -- is still is a very small part of how we function. There are occasional times that, for whatever reason, I find myself tossed over Jason's knee with some frequency. It's not just that I don't put forth enough effort, though that has been the reason at times. He has very high expectations of me. He is consistent, and stern, and he doesn't let me get away with anything. Don't misunderstand -- I love this. I wouldn't want it any other way. But mostly, serious punishment is a very rare thing. Mostly, I've learned what is important to him and made his expectations habit. The huge majority of the time, I obey him implicitly. So it's more we have an understanding, not that I am being punished all the time. 

But the DS side of things -- his Dominance and my Submission -- no, it's not true that they're only a small part of who we are. It's the foundation of who we are. 

From the minute I wake up in the morning, until the minute I go to bed at night, asking myself what Jason wants from me is a constant thought I have. Right now, as I'm typing, it's 6:11 a.m. I know in my head I need to finish writing by 6:50 or so, because I need to bring him his coffee at 7. Then while he wakes up, I'm to sit next to him with my to-do list that I will show him and he will go over. I'll eat the breakfast he approves of, wear gym clothes because he told me I'm to go to the gym today. He will spank me and remind me to be a good girl. He will give me whatever instructions he wants to today. And it goes on, and on...

Throughout the day, I will be thinking of him. When I get in the car, I will put my phone out of reach so I'm not tempted to touch it. I will make sure my kids are buckled in safely, and I will not raise my voice to them. I will make sure I drive the speed limit, and obey traffic laws, and all day I'll be cognizant of the time, making sure I focus on my list of things I need to do. 

He'll likely call me, or send me a text, but if he's so swamped at work, I will reach out to him. I'll tell him how things are going. He may ask me if I'm being a good girl, or he may just tell me he loves me. I'll prepare dinner, and get ready for the things I need to do this evening. When he comes home, I will put down everything I'm doing, and meet him upstairs. We'll ensure we have our privacy, and then talk about our day. I'll kneel by him and take off his shoes and he'll tell me about his day, too. Today I will have a good report. I will, I know it! So there will be no need for him to instruct me over his knee and punish me for breaking a rule. No, not today. 

Because today I'm going to keep my focus. 

He will hug me and I bet you anything he'll make me laugh. He always does. He'll make me look in his eyes, and he'll encourage me. I have to go out this evening with a friend, and he'll tell me to come back to him safe and sound. 

When I'm out, I'll constantly be thinking of what he expects of me. He wants me to be graeceful and gracious. So if someone upsets me, I'll do my best to assume positive motives. I'll not speak with rudeness to anyone, or say or do anything crass. I'll be kind to people I come in contact with. He will expect me to stay in touch, so when I have a few minutes, I'll send him a text or give him a quick call. I'll have my cell phone with me, charged and on, in case he needs to get in touch with me. 

When I come home, I will go straight to him. I will likely kneel, and put my head in his lap, and he will ask me how things went. I'm going to be tired tonight, so he will likely send me to bed early. He may or may not come up with me. But when he comes to bed, we'll have our nighttime ritual...maybe we will talk a little. He may or may not put me over his lap. He will kiss me, and tuck me in, and let me know he's there when I go to sleep. 

There will not be a moment today when I'm not thinking of Jason. There will be times when I'm focused on other things, of course, but even subconsciously, what he wants will be the ever-present thought that drives me. 

Why I choose this...well, that's another post, for another day. But the truth is, I do. I make the conscious effort, every day, to submit to him. And God bless that man, every single day he makes the conscious effort to lead me. 

But as things go on, I find that it really isn't easy. Submitting to Jason, accepting his authority, doing as he's very challenging to me. And I love that it is.

As a friend said to me recently...why would we want it to be easy? There is no victory in choosing the easy route. There's something empowering when I finish a workout at the gym that leaves me breathless, panting, dripping with sweat. There's something amazing writing the words The End on a writing project. It feels nice at the end of the day to shut the lights off in the kitchen I've cleaned to perfection. Being tucked under Jason's arm before bed, hearing him say, "You were such a good girl today, and you make me proud," brings me joy. 

As time goes on, and we near the second anniversary of taking things to a new level, things are changing with me and Jason. 

Recently, he's told me that journaling would be a good idea. So I've been journaling. When time permits, I sit and write out what I'm thinking. He doesn't read every word I write, but told me he will whenever I ask him to. I love that he does that for me. The other day, he sat down and read what I'd written. I'd wondered what he would do when he was done, as it was the first time he'd read my journal. He came to me and hugged me. He talked to me about some of the things I'd been working through. He gave me some advice, pointed me in the direction he wanted me to go. It meant so much to me, that he would do that. That he would take the time to make what is important to me, important to him. 

Then over the weekend, he told me he wants me taking a bit of a sabbatical again, from the online community I've come to be a part of. I will not post to my blog without permission, no responding to emails, no chat. It took me a few minutes to process that. I knew instinctively I would obey him, but sometimes when he instructs me I think why? Sometimes when he instructs me, it takes me a minute to swallow what he's said. 

And I finally get it. I came to him, and I told him.

"I understand now," I began. "I know now why sometimes you ask me to pull away, why you don't want me reading blogs, or going on forums, or chatting in the community." 

He raised his eyes to me, and I explained what had finally become so clear to me. He could've told me, but he needed me to realize it on my own. He needed me to obey him first, and understand after. 

"What you ask me to do, all of it, it takes such focus. When I lose my focus, I get in trouble. And you don't want me to get in trouble. All of it...sticking to my daily routine, focusing on being patient with the kids, putting our family first, doing what you tell me. I need to keep my focus." 

He smiled, like a teacher whose student has finally understood an important concept. 

"That's right, baby," he said. "That's exactly why. You need to stay focused on what's important." 

I need to stay focused on him. 

And as I stood in the kitchen alone last night, washing the dishes, listening to music, and doing my spin thing, I was thinking of how I miss some of my friends I've grown to love in the community. I was feeling sad about not being in touch, feeling that little bit of disconnect I feel from time to time that's really very necessary. 

And I had a vision of a tight-rope walker. And I asked does a tight rope walker make it to the end? How do they accomplish their goal, of making it to the end without tumbling?They maintain their focus. They maintain their balance. 

And I had a vision of me...walking that eyes focused, on Jason. Keeping my eyes on him...his arms outstretched, ready to catch me when I make it to him. 

I have a friend who's been doing this longer than I have...and she's said to me, many times, keep your focus on him. 

Keep your eyes on him, I thought....keep your focus on him, and you won't fall.