Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Tight-rope Walker


I'm the kind of person that spins in my head a lot. Maybe it's a female thing. Maybe it's a personality thing. But I'm constantly thinking about things, constantly twirling them around through my mind. 

When we first began this, I remember reading an article, or a comment somewhere, and someone said, "This isn't a lifestyle choice. This is just a small part of who we are. It's not all we are. It's just something we do, but it doesn't define us." 

I spun this for a while. Nearly two years later, I'm still spinning this.

At first, I completely agreed. Yes, yes, that was true! We still were who we were. We weren't different. DD was just a part of how we related to one another. It only happened on occasion, and was far from being the center of our lives. So when I wrote about things, I would choose the word "dynamic" rather than "lifestyle," and I denied that it was all-consuming. 

I don't agree anymore. True, Domestic Discipline -- the actual expectations and enforcement of those rules -- is still is a very small part of how we function. There are occasional times that, for whatever reason, I find myself tossed over Jason's knee with some frequency. It's not just that I don't put forth enough effort, though that has been the reason at times. He has very high expectations of me. He is consistent, and stern, and he doesn't let me get away with anything. Don't misunderstand -- I love this. I wouldn't want it any other way. But mostly, serious punishment is a very rare thing. Mostly, I've learned what is important to him and made his expectations habit. The huge majority of the time, I obey him implicitly. So it's more we have an understanding, not that I am being punished all the time. 

But the DS side of things -- his Dominance and my Submission -- no, it's not true that they're only a small part of who we are. It's the foundation of who we are. 

From the minute I wake up in the morning, until the minute I go to bed at night, asking myself what Jason wants from me is a constant thought I have. Right now, as I'm typing, it's 6:11 a.m. I know in my head I need to finish writing by 6:50 or so, because I need to bring him his coffee at 7. Then while he wakes up, I'm to sit next to him with my to-do list that I will show him and he will go over. I'll eat the breakfast he approves of, wear gym clothes because he told me I'm to go to the gym today. He will spank me and remind me to be a good girl. He will give me whatever instructions he wants to today. And it goes on, and on...

Throughout the day, I will be thinking of him. When I get in the car, I will put my phone out of reach so I'm not tempted to touch it. I will make sure my kids are buckled in safely, and I will not raise my voice to them. I will make sure I drive the speed limit, and obey traffic laws, and all day I'll be cognizant of the time, making sure I focus on my list of things I need to do. 

He'll likely call me, or send me a text, but if he's so swamped at work, I will reach out to him. I'll tell him how things are going. He may ask me if I'm being a good girl, or he may just tell me he loves me. I'll prepare dinner, and get ready for the things I need to do this evening. When he comes home, I will put down everything I'm doing, and meet him upstairs. We'll ensure we have our privacy, and then talk about our day. I'll kneel by him and take off his shoes and he'll tell me about his day, too. Today I will have a good report. I will, I know it! So there will be no need for him to instruct me over his knee and punish me for breaking a rule. No, not today. 

Because today I'm going to keep my focus. 

He will hug me and I bet you anything he'll make me laugh. He always does. He'll make me look in his eyes, and he'll encourage me. I have to go out this evening with a friend, and he'll tell me to come back to him safe and sound. 

When I'm out, I'll constantly be thinking of what he expects of me. He wants me to be graeceful and gracious. So if someone upsets me, I'll do my best to assume positive motives. I'll not speak with rudeness to anyone, or say or do anything crass. I'll be kind to people I come in contact with. He will expect me to stay in touch, so when I have a few minutes, I'll send him a text or give him a quick call. I'll have my cell phone with me, charged and on, in case he needs to get in touch with me. 

When I come home, I will go straight to him. I will likely kneel, and put my head in his lap, and he will ask me how things went. I'm going to be tired tonight, so he will likely send me to bed early. He may or may not come up with me. But when he comes to bed, we'll have our nighttime ritual...maybe we will talk a little. He may or may not put me over his lap. He will kiss me, and tuck me in, and let me know he's there when I go to sleep. 

There will not be a moment today when I'm not thinking of Jason. There will be times when I'm focused on other things, of course, but even subconsciously, what he wants will be the ever-present thought that drives me. 

Why I choose this...well, that's another post, for another day. But the truth is, I do. I make the conscious effort, every day, to submit to him. And God bless that man, every single day he makes the conscious effort to lead me. 

But as things go on, I find that it really isn't easy. Submitting to Jason, accepting his authority, doing as he asks...it's very challenging to me. And I love that it is.

As a friend said to me recently...why would we want it to be easy? There is no victory in choosing the easy route. There's something empowering when I finish a workout at the gym that leaves me breathless, panting, dripping with sweat. There's something amazing writing the words The End on a writing project. It feels nice at the end of the day to shut the lights off in the kitchen I've cleaned to perfection. Being tucked under Jason's arm before bed, hearing him say, "You were such a good girl today, and you make me proud," brings me joy. 

As time goes on, and we near the second anniversary of taking things to a new level, things are changing with me and Jason. 

Recently, he's told me that journaling would be a good idea. So I've been journaling. When time permits, I sit and write out what I'm thinking. He doesn't read every word I write, but told me he will whenever I ask him to. I love that he does that for me. The other day, he sat down and read what I'd written. I'd wondered what he would do when he was done, as it was the first time he'd read my journal. He came to me and hugged me. He talked to me about some of the things I'd been working through. He gave me some advice, pointed me in the direction he wanted me to go. It meant so much to me, that he would do that. That he would take the time to make what is important to me, important to him. 

Then over the weekend, he told me he wants me taking a bit of a sabbatical again, from the online community I've come to be a part of. I will not post to my blog without permission, no responding to emails, no chat. It took me a few minutes to process that. I knew instinctively I would obey him, but sometimes when he instructs me I think why? Sometimes when he instructs me, it takes me a minute to swallow what he's said. 

And I finally get it. I came to him, and I told him.

"I understand now," I began. "I know now why sometimes you ask me to pull away, why you don't want me reading blogs, or going on forums, or chatting in the community." 

He raised his eyes to me, and I explained what had finally become so clear to me. He could've told me, but he needed me to realize it on my own. He needed me to obey him first, and understand after. 

"What you ask me to do, all of it, it takes such focus. When I lose my focus, I get in trouble. And you don't want me to get in trouble. All of it...sticking to my daily routine, focusing on being patient with the kids, putting our family first, doing what you tell me. I need to keep my focus." 

He smiled, like a teacher whose student has finally understood an important concept. 

"That's right, baby," he said. "That's exactly why. You need to stay focused on what's important." 

I need to stay focused on him. 

And as I stood in the kitchen alone last night, washing the dishes, listening to music, and doing my spin thing, I was thinking of how I miss some of my friends I've grown to love in the community. I was feeling sad about not being in touch, feeling that little bit of disconnect I feel from time to time that's really very necessary. 

And I had a vision of a tight-rope walker. And I asked myself...how does a tight rope walker make it to the end? How do they accomplish their goal, of making it to the end without tumbling?They maintain their focus. They maintain their balance. 




And I had a vision of me...walking that tight-rope...my eyes focused, on Jason. Keeping my eyes on him...his arms outstretched, ready to catch me when I make it to him. 

I have a friend who's been doing this longer than I have...and she's said to me, many times, keep your focus on him. 

Keep your eyes on him, I thought....keep your focus on him, and you won't fall.


17 comments:

  1. This is absolutely beautiful. Well thought, well stated. This is exactly what we are to be doing. Focusing on what is most important. Our husbands. While blogging can be helpful, it does take time. It does divert our attention. We always need to be looking ahead and remain in tune with what we are being asked. You are very wise to have learned this lesson. Thank you for sharing this wisdom with us. It has given me something to think about today with my own relationship. Wishing you the best.

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    1. Thank you, Annabelle. Yes, keeping our focus and making sure to stay on task is of utmost importance. I completely agree. It's for that reason I took a whole month off from blogging, etc. (in the interest of being frank, it wasn't really by choice! lol), but it was nice to have that bit of reprieve and enhanced focus!

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  2. I wanted to relate to this post, but truthfully I just don't. I tried to articulate why, but I erased it as I didn't want to come across negative or argumentative. I guess what I really should just say is that in the end, if it works for you, then I'm happy for you.

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    1. Hi, Grace, thank you for being respectful and understanding. I know that we all have different dynamics, needs, and desires, so it makes perfect sense that you wouldn't necessarily relate. Honestly, I think I don't relate to most of what I read on other's blogs these days, just because the further along we go, the more personal our journey becomes. So I do understand. Although I kinda wish you'd explained what it was you didn't relate to, as I like to have a good discussion, I appreciate your not wanting to come across as negative or argumentative.

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  3. I totally understand your post, even though I do not live this. Basically what you are describing is a path to spiritual formation that involves much structure -- spiritual disciplines that focus you and make you mindful. This particular kind of path appeals to a certain spirituality type -- and is completely baffling to others. Also, it can be time-limited -- highly beneficial for a time, and then a new phase in your journey comes and different spiritual disciplines or experiences are most helpful.

    I'm sure the parallels between what you do with Jason and keeping your eyes on Jesus and the practice of various Spiritual disciplines/exercises have occurred to you.

    Jason is acting as your spiritual director in a more directive way, and you do end up acting as his in a more indirect way, from a position of influence and submission, sharing your observations and calling out the best in him. (See Pauls instructions to Timothy about how to lead older people in his church.)

    Anyway, please let me enourage you that I understand and resonate with what Jason is providing you in this phase of your lives as part of your spiritual formation. Each of your needs will change over time, but he is giving you a great gift in engaging with you in the way that helps you most at this phase in your life given your spirituality type.

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    1. Thank you for this. You truly hit the nail on the head.

      I've long since considered Jason to be a spiritual director of mine, and he takes my spiritual formation seriously himself. That's not the only part of why we choose to have this dynamic...there are many reasons. But, we take our faith seriously, so I consider my obedience to him to be heavily tied into my faith. In fact, his concern for my spiritual well-being is the part of this dynamic that strikes the deepest chord with me.

      I also agree that our needs change, and different phases can evolve because of that. And your point that we are, in essence, motivating one another spiritually is truly spot-on. He couldn't hold me to the standards he holds me to without holding himself to the same.

      Thank you for this thought-provoking comment.

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  4. As I was reading this post I kept hearing a song in my head-I like the song but it didn't really have any special meaning for me so I was thinking to myself "why am I thinking of this song? Did I hear it recently?" I continued to read & all of a sudden the line I love the most played in my head & I realized why I was thinking this song. "Keep your eyes on me, baby keep your eyes on me, cause I don 'to wanna loose you now, I'm looking right at the other half of me...." Justin Timberlake's Mirror just another song that is now a DD one for me. I love that you shared that this is an all the time thing for you because it is for me too & I have often found myself "twirling & twisting" things in my mind (I also do this a ton-my husband says he can hear my brain whirling at times lol), and I kept wondering when we would get to a point where I wasn't thinking about it all the time but the thing is that I think it's going to take a conscious effort & focus for me always in order to follow him the way I want to, the way we both want me to-and that is ok. I no longer think that I need to be waiting for a big shift that proves we have "made it" to our desired destination-we are already there & I am just going to focus on the ride rather than the destination going forward.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Hi, Scarlet! I'm not familiar with that song, but I love how sometimes different lyrics can truly resonate.

      "I no longer think I need to be waiting on a big shift to prove that we have made it...we are already there." Yes, yes! I completely agree. Focusing on what we already have is so crucial! Thanks for sharing. :)

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  5. I agree. It does take effort and time to connect with people and it's easy to let go of what should be our priorities. I'm off with my family for the whole summer so I have lots of time but come September things will change. You have stated what has been in My mind also.

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    1. Things have indeed shifted with the beginning of September. I can completely relate!

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  6. Hello! New reader here, and I had to comment and say just how wonderful this writing is. I sat here nodding along the entire time reading it.. how nice that is! I cannot wait to read more of your blog.

    Respectfully,
    brat xx

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  7. I so needed to read your wise words here. I have trouble with focus myself and youre words just hit home with me.

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    1. I'm glad you found this post helpful, Raine. It can be hard maintaining that focus. And the longer we are in this dynamic, the more challenging his expectations of me, so focus is all the more important.

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