Hello, out there in Blogland. I'm coming off a somewhat lengthy break here, and I've missed you. But the break was good. It was refreshing. As September came, I began to ease back into a more disciplined routine here, with my personal writing projects, school, my daily schedule, exercise, housework. There were some moments of overwhelm there, but I'm happy to say things are running smoothly. Jason told me last night how proud he is of me, and of course, that made me grin like the Cheshire cat. I spent a great deal of time preparing for the fall, and now that it's here, I feel eager to welcome it in.
It's always difficult for me to decide how to get back into blogging when I've taken a break. What should I say first? What is it that I'd like to share?
The longer we've been at this, the more I feel I understand...about what my needs are, and Jason's, about why what we do works so well for us, what his expectations are for me and where he wants to take us. But the longer we've been at this, I also feel like, at times, we've only just hit the tip of the iceberg. The d/s waters run deep. Physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs interweave in one, big, beautiful journey, but yet at the same time, there are moments when it doesn't make sense at all, and it all seems muddled and confused.
It's for this reason, I like to think things through, write them out. So I journal. But the longer we go, the more personal our dynamic becomes. It's only natural. My needs and Jason's are not necessarily the same as another couple's. Our goals aren't necessarily the same. So at times, I feel at a loss with what to share.
So after some thought, I decided to write a bit about something that, in recent months especially, readers have asked me about. They are the points, I think, that are perhaps the least understood about the d/s dynamic, no matter what the level of expectations are in that one dynamic.
I've been giving this more thought lately, as Jason and I have been enjoying watching the new episodes of “Outlander.” For those unfamiliar with the series, it's a new show based on a series of romance novels written by Diana Gabaldon. The premise is that a young English woman from 1945 is transported back in time to eighteenth century Scotland. It's historical fiction at its best, and really, so well done. So what is it about this series that has me thinking about d/s?
In eighteenth century Scotland, women were viewed as property. Men were in charge. The end.
We recently watched an episode in which the lead woman takes off and scares the men she's with, and when she's found, one of the men drags her out of the house by her arm and lectures her within an inch of her life. It's somewhat shocking. You, um, don't really see things like that happen in the present day. And supposedly, based on the series (which I've not read), there comes a time when this woman is strapped by her husband for endangering the lives of others. It's expected that a husband would discipline his wife back then. It's just what they did. In fact, in the first episode, this woman lets loose a volley of swears, and one of the men mutters, “Yer husband should tan yer hide fer that.”
(Ahem, Jason paused it at this point, rewound it, made me listen to it again and said, “Did you hear that?” Yep. Guess who gets her “hide tanned” for swearing?)
There are times when women in the d/s community speak wistfully about the past. They say they wish things were like they used to be, when men were men, and women were women, and it wasn't taboo for a man to take his wife over his knee. They say that women knew their place then, and men knew how to lead and women knew how to follow.
Honestly, I truly do not agree.
Although, yes, Jason being in authority over me is absolutely how I prefer things, our dynamic is based on mutual respect.
Our dynamic is consensual.
And I have no desire whatsoever to undermine the blood, sweat, and tears our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers poured out to obtain our rights as women. Women used to be viewed as inferior. The fact that we are now, by all intents and purposes, viewed as equals, is absolutely of paramount importance.
But wait...we who choose a d/s dynamic...are we truly equals?
This is how I view things.
We are absolutely of equal worth.
My rights, opinions, hopes and desires, my self worth...are every bit as valid as Jason's. Yes, he's my Dom. Yes, I'm his submissive.
It's come out in some of my posts recently just how much control I allow Jason to have over me. My last post struck a nerve, I think, for that reason. It was the first post in a very long time that generated slanderous commentary Jason asked me to delete. And perhaps it was a good indicator that I need to show more discretion in what I share. After all, as I've said earlier, our dynamic is very personal.
So suffice it to say, I allow him to lead me in every possible way. He has a great deal of control over my life.
And let's just say, I wouldn't change what we have for anything. Not for anything. I absolutely love it.
So how can I balance that, then? How can I say that I believe Jason and I are equals, yet he disciplines me? Certainly, I don't discipline him. The reasons I don't are many and varied, so I will sum it up by saying, that truly does not work for us.
How can I say I believe we are equals, yet I allow him to control my life? I allow him to dictate what I eat, when I go to bed, how I drive, who I associate with and when, what I do with my free time, and the list goes on.
The answer is really very simple. And it's the distinction that makes a modern-day d/s dynamic completely unique, historically speaking.
We are equals in worth.
We are not equals in authority.
And we are not equals in authority, because I consent to that.
One of the reasons what we have works so well, is that Jason and I are in complete agreement over the power exchange in our relationship. When he sends me to bed, I don't feel belittled. I feel cared for, and loved. When he puts me over his knee for doing something dangerous, I know he does it because my safety is of utmost importance to him. When he disciplines me for raising my voice to him, I know he values harmony in our relationship, and our agreement that he's in authority over me must be maintained.
A reader recently asked me about respect. She said she'd read all my posts, and she was completely baffled as to why I could possibly choose to live the way I did. She questioned Jason's respect for me, said it wasn't possible for him to discipline me yet still respect me. She said if he truly loved me, he wouldn't punish me, and she couldn't understand why I viewed his disciplining me as an act of love.
Now, I'm not going to get into the many points I disagree with in this assertion. I did my best to give an honest answer, but I think a lengthy explanation would be somewhat futile. Some people aren't going to get it. And that's okay.
But I do want to state, while we're on the topic of equality and respect, that if I felt disrespected and unloved, I could never possibly consent to be his submissive.
He holds me to a high standard. But he holds himself to even higher standards.
He demands I respect him. But he has the utmost respect for me as well – for my worth as a human being, my thoughts and desires, my opinions, my interests, my needs.
He is my Dominant because he loves me. He leads me because he cherishes me, and wants to see that I'm taken care of in every possible way.
I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. How do you feel about equality and respect within a d/s dynamic? Please understand dissenting opinions are most welcome, I only ask that no slanderous comments be posted.