"What do you mean, you like when I dom you?" he asks.
I know what I mean. It's very clear in my head what I mean, but he doesn't understand my choice of words.
How to explain?
I like it when you discipline me. No, no...that isn't right. I don't like being disciplined. Yesterday, I was spanked for raising my voice and yelling, and it brought me to tears. It wasn't enjoyable. Certainly nothing like when he ties me up or holds me down and spanks me to ecstasy. No, nothing like that. But it was, in a way, satisfying.
I like that you take the time to make me important, and to teach me.
I like how I've grown under your leadership and guidance.
I feel stronger, more capable. I have more self control.
I like the feeling I get when I've faced a challenging request from you and I've done it.
Yes...that is a bit closer to how I really feel.
How to explain that it's so much more than discipline, though? Discipline is rare...present, always possible, but rare...such a small, but integral part of how we relate.
I don't think I can really explain it all, not even if I sat down and spent hours writing, though I do try to catch it in glimmers and swirls...
When I sit by him at the end of a long day, and we say nothing, but I put my head in his lap and he slowly, silently, runs his fingers through my hair.
When my phone vibrates during the day and a message pops up from him, checking up on me, "How are you doing, baby girl?"
When he reaches for my hand in a crowded room and links his pinky finger with mine.
When he says, "Time for bed, little one. Go, now."
Even if he doesn't join me...knowing that he is my leader, and my protector, and he wants me well rested and cared for. Yes. I love that.
When I'm feeling tired, and exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and he pulls me over to him, his hand fisted at the nape of my neck as he takes a kiss --- he doesn't ask, he takes -- that feeling of release, and comfort makes me feel wanted.
When I'm straightening up the room, or putting laundry away, and I hear the door shut and lock, and my heart begins to pound, and he silently makes me put down what I'm doing and bends me over the bed, overpowers me and has his way with me, sometimes silently, but sometimes reminding me who I belong to...
Oh, lordy, yes, yes, that.
How to explain what it's like when I'm frustrated and he gives me his quirky smile and orders, "Let it go." I have no choice...he wouldn't allow me to continue to spiral after he's instructed me to let it go... how I know that I trust him, so it's okay to release my tension, my fears and my worries, how he can take it.
His strength is mine.
Strength...that deeply erotic, primal satisfaction I get by being physically overpowered...the knowledge that I can overcome my own weaknesses by obeying him...the desire to keep on pushing, keep on growing, keep on learning...that glorious freedom I get by allowing his strength to remove the frailties and fears I have...
Yes. Yes, it's that.
There was that time I was in the throes of grieving...the loss of my father was and continues to be profoundly painful...and it just hurt.
"What is it?" Jason asked, and I simply choked out a whispered, "I miss him, and it hurts." He stood in front of me, over me, bigger and stronger than I am, his steel blue eyes looking into mine, and he wrapped me up. "Put your arms around me," he ordered, and I did, standing a bit on my tippy toes to get my arms around him as his arms circled my waist. "Pretend you're giving it to me," he whispered in my ear. "Feel it go out of you. Give it to me." I felt myself sink into him as I obeyed.
"I can take it," he whispered.
How to explain that? I can't, really.
I guess it's silly trying to name or categorize something that is so intuitive, so natural, and yet so hard to grasp. It would be like saying, "I like it when you're sexy," or "I like it when you love me." Why define something that is so a part of who he is, how he is, how we relate?
I love being yours.
There. That's better.