Next month, Jason and I will celebrate two years of choosing a lifestyle of Dominance and Submission. It's one of those things – I feel like in many ways, we're only just beginning. But at the same time, it's such a natural fit, it seems we've been doing this forever.
And in some ways, we have, since he's always been the dominant partner and I've always been the submissive. But adding DD into the mix certainly does change things.
If we hadn't chosen d/s, I'm sure he and I would still be getting along just fine. We were before. We're not one of those couples who saved our marriage with DD, so I'm pretty confident that if we hadn't gone this route, we still would've found other ways of resolving conflict. But since we have gone this route, it's a totally different dynamic.
He keeps taking me further in. He keeps raising the bar. We both keep changing, and for the better.
I remember how I used to long for his attention. I remember how he would make me so mad, and I'd get under his skin, and we'd get into the occasional argument. I remember how we didn't really understand each other at times. How I'd pout if I didn't get my way, and how I would take things personally. It wasn't a bad marriage. Everyone who knew us knew we were happy. But really, we've both grown.
Last night, two things happened that showed me how much things have shifted in the past two years.
First, I found out about an event I wanted to go to that had me very excited. I showed it to Jason. “Oh, look! Can we go this weekend?” He looked up from what he was doing and simply said, “No.” I felt disappointed, but I didn't pout, and I chose my words carefully and watched my tone when I asked why he didn't want to go. He explained that it would be crowded, and he had no interest in taking our family. And that was that. I had my answer.
I didn't pout, or try to cajole him into changing his mind. I accepted his answer and moved on.
And the second thing that happened was I got myself in very big trouble.
Both situations somehow had me reflecting. On how I've grown. On how he has. On how much smoother things run here because of how well we understand each other.
In the very beginning, there was a good deal of growth involved in how things played out. I got in trouble a lot, for many reasons. I hadn't internalized many of his expectations. Some things needed time, and I had to develop better habits. And sometimes I think I didn't try as hard as I should've, because I wanted his attention so badly.
Those days are now gone.
I still have times when I long for his attention, but all I have to do is go and sit by him. He always, always puts down what he's doing and asks me what's on my mind. All I have to do is tell him, “I need to talk to you,” or “I'd like to spend some time with you.” And he'll open his arms and have me come in and talk to him about what's on my mind, or tell me how much longer he needs before I can have his undivided attention. He'll plan a date for us, or he'll set aside time for doing something together.
I still have times when I get into trouble, but it's mostly because I've lost my focus and not taken the steps I need to make sure I stay on track. "Small crumbs," he calls them, the little things that need to be swept up. I still get reminders frequently, and maintenance regularly, but mostly, serious trouble is very rare.
I've mostly internalized his expectations. I take steps to make sure I make safe choices. I stick to the daily to-do list we go over in the morning. I take care of myself, and get to the gym, eat well and make my health a priority. I choose my words carefully, don't raise my voice to my children, or give way to my temper. I speak respectfully to him. And I obey him.
Now, I don't say this to brag. I'm not perfect, of course. I still slip up, and he also knows I'm only human.
But where we are now, I don't get any more warnings. I do not get second chances. He misses absolutely nothing. There have been times when I've been thinking defiant thoughts, and he can read me so well, he knows. Although he is fair and he is reasonable, he is one hundred percent consistent, and his follow through is always very sobering.
But because I've internalized his expectations, it is pretty rare that I see the sterner side of things. It's not that he doesn't dom me. He does, every day, some days harder than others, depending on my needs, my behavior, and his own needs. But what happens now is mostly I will get a look. If we're alone, he might deliver one firm swat, with not another word. He will call my name, or say something very quietly, like, “That's enough.” It's amazing what he can convey simply by saying my name. When I get very busy, or flustered, he's sterner with me, because he knows I lose my focus then, and it's then that he takes absolute control.
But what happens now is, occasionally I will become complacent. And that's what happened very recently. This past weekend, I found myself bent over his knee not once but twice in the same day, and he was none too happy when that second time came around. I don't even remember why I got in trouble the first time, but the second time, it was over something I thought was relatively small. He'd called me while I was out, asked me to pick something up for him, and I promptly forgot.
As soon as I came home, he asked me where it was. My stomach dropped, because I knew I hadn't obeyed a direct request from him. I immediately offered to go back and get it for him, but he shook his head.
He tests me, on a regular basis, just to make sure things are where they should be. A week or two ago, I was asked to text him every hour, and he told me if I forgot it would be “100 for every missed text.” It wasn't easy, but I did it. Occasionally he'll give me a very small request outside the norm that he knows will unsettle me, just to test my obedience. He's not toying with me. It is not a joke, or a game. He doesn't take my submission lightly. He's reminding me who's in charge, and I love him for it.
I failed the test.
But we had things to tend to, and though I knew I'd be punished for not doing what he asked, honestly, it was the furthest thing from my mind. He wasn't angry, and we had no time to be alone until much later that evening. So I kinda shrugged it off. I didn't really focus on the fact that I'd not done what he asked. I'd grown somewhat complacent. And before bed, I asked him, “Am I still in trouble?”
Wrong move number one.
He raised his eyebrows. “What do you think?”
Um, I knew the answer to that question.
I was laying next to him in bed. I was cozy. I didn't want to be punished. He pushed himself out of bed, stood, giving me that look that makes me quake, and rolled up his sleeves. Then he undid his belt buckle and removed his belt. I began to get nervous, but still hadn't fully gotten my head in the right place. I find it really hard submitting myself to punishment, and at times, literally pace the floor before I can work up the nerve to lie over his lap.
I chickened out. I kinda buried my head in the covers and asked him if he could come back to bed and put me over his lap.
Wrong move number two.
“Get your ass out of bed and over here before I come over there and get you,” he said, all Dom.
Oh yikes. I knew I didn't want that to happen. I flew out of bed and over to him as quickly as possible.
He took me by the arm. He sat on the bed, and hauled me over his knee. He wrapped his belt in a strap around his hand, and pinned me down.
“It's been quite a long time since I've had to punish you twice in one day,” he began, and by now, I understood what I was in for.
“Yes, sir,” I said, “I'm sorry.”
“Oh you will be, little girl,” he said. “Why am I punishing you?”
“Because I didn't obey you,” I whispered.
“You know I expect you to do what you're told. Am I clear?”
Oh, it was clear alright and did he ever make his point.
He strapped me long and hard, and brought me to tears. I am not one of those girls who takes her punishment likes a champ. I squirmed and yelped into the covers, as he held me down and gave me one of the hardest spankings I've gotten in a very long time.
When he was done he held me, while I cried.
“It's over now, and you're forgiven,” he said, the gentler side coming out now. “But I want it clear that when I ask you to do something, I want it done.”
I nodded, sniffling, and promised I would obey him. He kissed me. “I know you will, baby. I don't want to have to do this again anytime soon.”
I didn't want him to have to do that anytime soon either.
He ordered me to bed, and I sniffed my way under the covers. And I asked myself.
Why the hell do I want him to do this?
I've written many times about the desire for his dominance, and why the discipline side of things is a necessary component.
But I really, really dislike being punished. I dread it. And I find it very difficult to submit to punishment.
He came to bed and held me. Although he was past punishing me, of course, he was still very much in that place of being stern, and he tucked me into bed and told me to go to sleep.
I thought about how much I love him. How I would give my life for him. How submitting to him fulfills me to my very core. How protected and safe I feel under his care, and how even though I dislike being punished, seeing that sterner side of things somehow leaves me in awe of who he is, how good he is to me, how much he loves me and takes care of me.
And also, if I'm totally honest – how the sterner side of things, though humbling and hard to take – is still undeniably sexy.
And I came to understand, in those brief moments of reflection – when I'm humbled, and dommed, and in my place of being obedient and submissive – how I long to please him, and how the sterner side of things helps me achieve what I so desperately desire.