Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What if He Says No (when your partner refuses a D/S dynamic)

Hello, readers. The past few weeks, you've been on my mind. As I've gone about the things I need to do here, I've thought about what I'd like to write next. I've decided I'd like to take a stab at something that's been on my mind for quite some time. 

As you likely know, if you're a regular reader, Jason and I are in a D/S relationship. We've been married for twelve years, with a mild dynamic in place before we were married, and just about two years ago, took things to a new level by adding Domestic Discipline into the mix. Slowly but surely, things intensified for us. We are still learning, still evolving, still growing, but as of today, we happily embrace a D/S dynamic. It works very, very well for us. We are happier than we've ever been, and wouldn't want to change this for anything.

So frequently, when I write, I like to share about our life here. I like to write about the intimacy and peace that comes from submitting to my husband, his leadership, the love I feel being his submissive, how he guides and teaches me and how we grow together. I like to write about the struggles we face, and how we overcome them; how the ups and downs build us up and make us stronger. But as I've written, as I've gotten to know some of you...I've come to realize that many are not living this the way they'd choose.

Sometimes, one partner spends the time researching, reading, contemplating how a D/S dynamic will benefit their relationship, and after much thought, they pluck up the courage to ask their partner to get on board – and their request is met with a resounding No.

Worse...sometimes, their request is met with ridicule, scorn, and anger.

My heart breaks for those of you who write to me, asking for help and guidance, for those of you who've felt the sting of rejection after baring your soul. One of the reasons you are grateful for blogs that share about dynamics, like this one, is because you feel you're not alone. You feel understood. You feel there is hope.

Today, this post is for you. For all those who struggle. For those who've been rejected. For those who are married to someone who has absolutely no desire whatsoever to incorporate d/s into their marriage. For those who've begun DD, and found it didn't work for them. For those who maybe think there's something wrong with the desire to submit and be led.

What to do?

I wrote a post a while ago to those who struggle. In that post, I gave some advice based on experience that worked for me and Jason, when we had struggles of our own. Perhaps if you're already in the beginning stages of a D/S dynamic, you may enjoy that post. Today, however, I'm speaking more to those who've been flat-out rejected.

It is painful to be in this position. Oftentimes, those of us who crave dominance find that our desire is deeply, deeply interwoven into who we are as people. This is why sometimes you'll find submissives insulted when critics say things like, “It's only a game,” and “It's all about sex.” It's not just a game to us. We don't play at this. It's not just about sex. Yes, it is exciting, and erotic, and there can be elements of play, but the desire for dominance is a much more primal, emotional, psychological need.

So when you find the courage to be honest and bring that desire to your partner, rejection is heart-rending.

The first thing I want to say to those of you who are struggling is this. All is not lost.

It is not a hopeless cause. At first, it seems like that. When you've bared your soul and been rejected, of course it feels that way. But it isn't.

It hurts like hell, yes. And you may feel it's a part of you that will never be able to grow and flourish. But once you've gotten past that initial rejection, I urge you to take a long, hard look at a few things. Be honest, but be gentle with yourself. Don't give way to thoughts about whether or not you're normal, or healthy, or if something is wrong with you. I've been there. It's a dangerous place to be. I know you don't really know me, but I hope I've earned a bit of your trust by being as honest and transparent as I could be.

So please believe me when I say, you're totally normal. There's nothing twisted about desiring, even craving dominance. It's understandable that you are deeply attracted to the idea of being disciplined. At the heart of this for many of us is the desire to be loved. 

Certainly not everyone desires the feel of a loving, firm hand. But I do. I know what it's like to want to feel cared for, so much so that the person who loves you wants to guide you, teach you, and protect you. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

But all is not lost. It's not "all or nothing." You are not destined to live a life unfulfilled. Yes, your husband or partner may never dominate you. Yes, you may never be able to explain your desire for discipline. But there are a few things you can do that respect the personal choices of your partner and can perhaps bring peace where before there was discord. 

So today, I'd like to give you just a little bit of advice.

First, ask yourself why it is you desire D/S. Really, truly, think about it. Explore it. Journal about it, talk about it, delve deeply into your desires and ask yourself why.

Perhaps you desire more attention from your partner. Maybe, like me, you've lived a past filled with rejection and abuse, and the desire to be of utmost importance to someone calls to you. Maybe you'd like accountability. Maybe you're tired of making promises and setting goals you fail to accomplish. You want someone to coach you, spur you on. Maybe you have a temper and you get upset with yourself when you lose your cool. You want someone to help you learn to curb that temper. 

Maybe your relationship has lost the erotic appeal, and you want to be attracted to your partner again. You want spice in your life. You want to feel that spark of romance again. Maybe it's all of the above. There are many, many reasons why we crave dominance. I urge you to find out what your reasons are.

Now for the second part of my two-fold advice to you.

After you've spent some time soul-searching, exploring, truly understanding what it is you desire and why...come up with some other ways to meet those needs.

Now, I understand that some people, even married people, occasionally choose to submit to another person, a mentor Dom, or cyber Dom. I understand why this is done. I know many people make this choice. In fact, I have a very close friend who does. Please understand that I do not judge those who choose to submit to someone else. If you're someone whose chosen this route, I'm not criticizing you. But this is a choice fraught with danger on many levels, and for this reason, I cannot personally advise anyone to take this route. So that's not what I'm advising when I suggest finding other ways to meet your needs.

I'm suggesting you find ways to meet your needs that don't involve being dominated.

Let's say you have decided you truly do crave personal attention. Are there other ways you can meet that need? Perhaps slot a date night on your calendar with your husband? Can you put your head in his lap when he's watching the football game? Can you wake him up in the morning with his favorite coffee, and initiate some intimate time together? Think about it. Then make it happen.

Let's say you truly desire accountability. Can you schedule an appointment with a personal trainer at the gym? Find a friend with like-minded interests and ask for the accountability? Set a goal for yourself, and a way you'll reward yourself when you meet that goal?

Maybe your relationship no longer has that erotic appeal it once did. Maybe you don't love how you look anymore, and you're shy about the vulnerability the bedroom offers. Are there ways you can overcome this? Can you make love-making exciting again? You may be surprised how receptive your partner is if you even begin to initiate. Your self-confidence is attractive.

Do what it takes to heal. The desire for a D/S relationship is a deeply personal desire, and having that desire unmet hurts. Perhaps, at least for a time, it's not in your best interest to read books, or stories, or blogs. Maybe that seems contradictory for me to suggest. After all, I'm a blog writer. But blogs serve a purpose, and if reading them is stealing your peace, then choose to be kind to yourself.

Finally, if you are in a relationship, I urge you to continue to cultivate your submission. Take solace in having the willpower and strength to allow your partner to lead. Don't force the leadership on them – that's a different animal than allowing them to lead. I've read that advice (simply refuse to lead and make him do it), and I don't think it's good advice, because I don't think it respects the personal choices of your partner. 

But voluntarily making the choice to let go of control is something that is really very doable. If and when your partner asks your opinion, don't hold back. Don't refuse to answer, or make them make choicesm but instead, respect the choices they do make. Never condescend to make a belittling remark and if you do, have the integrity to apologize. 

If your husband or partner asks you to do something, take pleasure in fulfilling his request. Thank him for his leadership, and for taking care of you. Seek simple ways to please him. Honor the ways he does lead. Make him want to be your leader by being thankful, kind, and supportive.

I know this is all easier said than done. I know there really is no easy answer. But my wish for you today is that somehow, some way, you find what brings you happiness.


  1. Very well thought out and written ........

  2. This is a great article. It is important to understand why we want to be dominated. This is the first step of getting what we need.

    1. I agree -- even if we have partners that are on board, knowing the "why" behind what we need helps!

  3. Super late to the paty, as always! Just wanted thank you for writing this. A year and a half later, I'm still coming to terms with this myself and still dealing with the rejection and fallout. Not fun... but somehow this makes me feel less alone.

    1. Chickadee, I'm sorry you've experienced this rejection. :( I'm glad the post made you feel less alone. I hope you continue to heal, and find peace.

  4. Hello
    I'm new to your blog. I've just read a few posts, and what you write about your experiences have resonated with me. This post made me think about my own experience in incorporating spanking and discipline into our relationship.

    I've always felt naturally submissive to the man I'm now with. It took me by shock when we met, since I hadn't experienced anything like it before. Neither of us try to do this on purpose, although, I do have to pay attention to my tone sometimes, and how I respond in certain situations, so that I maintain respect for him, and if I don't pay attention to these things he is agitated with me. He never asked me to be submissive, or told me he will be dominant, it's just something that has always been, without discussion. He asks my opinion constantly too, and respects me highly as an intelligent woman, but when he speaks he expects to be heard, period.

    This is not to say we are in a perfect relationship, just that we get along well, and we love each other. We fight, like everyone else, and we communicate pretty darn well too. A bit over 2 years ago I tried to ask him for some discipline. I'm generally submissive, but I have a temper, and when it sparks the submissive girl in me jumps right out the window. I've been known to toss a fit so hard and loud the neighbors could hear. I hate it. I need to figure out how to stop it. I feel so horrid when I calm down and realize how I behaved. So, I asked him to punish me. I suggested he send me to the corner when I start raising my voice. I promised if he ordered me to go stand in a corner, I'd listen. I asked him to spank me sternly for raising my voice, and for disrespecting him. I told him I thought it would help both of us. And he answered me, I got a flat out "NO"!

    I was devastated. It took a long time to build up the guts to ask him for this. Any time I tried to push the topic I would be met with a stern look, and a simple stern response of one word, "STOP". I thought, "He can act like that, look at me like that, but he can't spank me for punishment?". Of course, he also wasn't willing to discuss his reasons. "No", meant "No", and that's just the way it was. Period.

    Being the caring, sensitive, loving man that he is, however, he did start spanking me erotically. I didn't ask for it, it was just something that began to happen. I started getting the occasional swat while I was washing the dishes, or something, as he passed by. He was trying to please me.

    I started occasionally requesting spankings when a good opportunity arose if I had lost my temper recently. Sometimes he would indulge me, and sometimes I would get another flat out "No". Finally, one day, he asked me why I wanted him to spank me. He wanted to know what it did for me. I tried to explain, and he listened.

    I've always felt submission towards him, he's always just dominated me because that is who he is. He's always lectured me when I've screwed up, it's nothing new to be taken to task and required to answer for my behavior. A bit over two years ago I asked him to discipline me with corporal punishment when I deserve it and now, a little over two years into it, he has started doing this for me. When he feels I deserve a spanking, I get one. He hasn't gotten too formal with it yet, he just requests me to lay over his lap, usually while we are lying in bed together and my bottom is punished as he sees fit. There hasn't been much talking about this, or construction. That's fine. He is giving me what I need, and I am happy. When he decides I need to be punished, I am. He is always clear about why he is punishing me.

    So, to all of you who seek this life, and have been flatly turned down, maybe there is still hope, and until then, try bringing him his cup of coffee in the morning, that feels pretty good too.

    Thanks for the space to share my story.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is inspiring and very encouraging. Thank you!!

  5. Haven't seen you in a while. Hope you're doing well.

  6. Doing well, thank you Leah. I have a new book project going, and a few other things keeping me busy, so Jason has me out of chat and the boards for now so I can focus. Just trying to do what I need to do and maybe he'll let me back some day. ;) I miss all of you! I was thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were doing. How are you?


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