Thursday, November 20, 2014

A Risk I'm Willing to Take

The other night I needed to talk to Jason. I had so much on my mind. I'd had a few things happen that were bothering me. I was hurt. It didn't have anything to do with him, but other things that had happened. So I climbed the stairs to our bedroom where he was, and I asked him, “May I talk to you?”

I'd been holding onto a lot of things, not because I wanted to keep things back from him, but because I'd been processing through them and we really hadn't had much time to talk. I had some things I had to talk about dealing with our family, some things that were weighing on me. I wanted to tell him how badly I miss my dad, and how it saddens me to think of the upcoming holidays I will face for the first time without him.

He did what he always did. He put down what he was doing, lifted his arm up for me to crawl under, and said, “I'd love to hear what's on your mind. Why don't you come and tell me.”

I really don't have the words to express how grateful I am for him, that he does that for me. I know I've said it before. But knowing there isn't anything I can't tell him, knowing that I have his kind, empathetic ear whenever I need him, it means so much to me. He's the kind of person that always looks at things very honestly – never sugarcoating them. He will be blunt and always very forthright. But at the same time, he always looks at things positively. “Always assume the positive,” is his line, and he's taught me that.

He listened. I talked, and the emotions I'd been holding at bay broke. I cried, as I told him some things that had happened, specifically the details of why I was upset about what happened with a friend.

And as he held me, smoothing my hair down and holding me tight as I cried onto his shoulder, he said something that really struck a chord.

“It's the risk you take, when you love someone.”

I knew what he meant. When you let your guard down, and you trust someone, allowing yourself to be transparent, and vulnerable, you allow yourself to be hurt.

And it got me thinking about something else that's been on my mind, the concern that readers of this blog and a real life friend of mine who knows our dynamic have expressed to me, on more than one occasion, about the intimacy I have with Jason, and the nature of our relationship. Any reader of this blog will know how much I think of him. He is everything to me. And it's also, I think, very clear how very intertwined our lives are with one another.

I've heard it several times now. And it's a very real concern, a very real fear, and an understandable one.

“What happens if you lose him? You're so tied to him. What would happen if he were gone?”

And one reader, “I hope you don't wake up one day and wish for your independence back.”

“Is it healthy to rely so much on him?”

Frankly, their concern is that building a relationship with such a heavy level of dependency is a dangerous choice. That if the day came I no longer had his dominance, I would be unable to function.

What happens if I lose him? It's not something I like to think about, of course, but it's a very real concern for a submissive. A submissive comes to rely so heavily on her Dom. He takes care of all my needs, of course. Yes, he pays all our bills, and makes sure I'm taken care of in every way physically. He protects me by making sure I get enough sleep, that I don't take too much on, and that my priorities are in check. But he also meets my emotional needs. He is my confidante. He knows my weaknesses, and my strengths, and he leads me in such a way that my emotional needs are taken care of. He knows my every need and provides for those needs.

But as Jason said...it's a risk you take, when you love someone.

If the day comes that I lose Jason's leadership and dominance...or I lose him...I will not lie. It would be absolutely devastating to me, of course. It's something we talk about, not just me losing him, but him losing me. He tells me, sometimes...in those times when we're alone, and it's quiet, how I've brought joy to him, and the thought of losing me is hard to bear.

But this is where our faith comes into play. I don't often blog about our faith. It isn't the subject of this blog, and I aim to write for a diverse audience. But I can't really discuss the dependent nature of our relationship without explaining how our faith is tied in. You see, we believe that when we took our vows to one another, we agreed to give ourselves completely to one another. We agreed to entwine our lives irrevocably. 

“And the two shall become one.”

Our choice to meet each other's needs in a deeper, more intimate, erotic, romantic way – this choice to make dominance and submission foundational – is merely an extension of what we believe our relationship should be. A choice to give ourselves completely to the other. A choice to love one another so deeply, we'd be willing to give up our lives for the other.

I don't really view our relationship as co-dependency. I prefer to view it as completion, the symbiotic meeting of one another's needs.

If ever there comes a day I lose him, I will take everything he's taught me, about myself, about others, about life – and I will continue to do the very best I can, with the firm belief that our separation from one another is only for a time. 

When I told him recently that another reader wrote to me, expressing her concerns about how I would function without him, he smiled at me, reached out for me, and hugged me close. “You would be fine,” he said. "You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself."  I know he's right. I can't fathom how badly it would hurt, but I would go on.

But as he so aptly put it, that's the risk you take, when you love someone.

And it's a risk I'm willing to take.



26 comments:

  1. I have thought about this dependence we develop too. I think all of has that little bit of fear. My husband and I aren't old but we are passing middle age. We have grown children and now beautiful grandchildren. It may be on my mind more than those of you in your 20's and 30's. But I think this intimacy, the deeply needing each other is what God intended for us. I believe we get that kind of relationship with only one other human being. We fill our life with all kinds of people and relationships and we need and depend on all of these. They give us pieces we need.But that one person that knows all the pieces, they are our gift in this world. That person completes us. And yes, someday, one or the other will be gone, that's inevitable but the marks they have left on our hearts will be there forever, that's inevitable too. They will have given us so much of themselves that we will be able to feel them with us no matter what. Of course you'd be okay without his physical presence because he would never be gone from you. And Jason would survive without you for the same reason. But you don't have to worry about that today. Today you can go find him and curl under his arm. I know I'm going to curl up under Luke's tonight! Clara.

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    1. Clara, thanks so much for your thoughtful response.

      I agree with you that fear is definitely part of it, and that's why instead of ignoring it, I try to take it head on, if that makes sense.

      That is an excellent point about there being just one person who knows it all...who has all the pieces...and I agree that if the day comes we're separated, they will have made an impression on us that will last forever.

      You're right...he never truly would be gone; we wouldn't truly be separated. I do believe that.

      I love that I can curl under his arm tonight, and that you can curl under Luke's!

      Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful response. It's given me much to think on. ;)

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  2. Me too! Great post! Sorry you were hurting but glad you had Jason to lean on & listen to you.
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Thank you, Scarlet. I hope you're doing well.

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  3. Wow! You are BOTH so very lucky to have each other! Being that dependent upon your spouse is not a bad thing. It does say, "The two shall become one". The feelings you have just prove that your love for each other is pure, real, and like no other love you will ever feel. Embrace that and enjoy the ride! It's definitely a risk that you will never regret!

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    1. That is a great response, Mandy -- enjoy the ride! Thank you for your encouraging, kind words. I feel very blessed to have Jason and will never regret the choice that we've made!

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  4. This is a lovely post. I really enjoy reading about the beautiful dynamic you and Jason share.

    My husband and I feel like we are a perfectly matched pair. We fill in each others weakness with our strengths. We each think better of our other than we do of ourselves. He is all mine and I am all his and I wouldn't want it any other way.

    May you and Jason have many more beautiful, happy years together.

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    1. Liz, I very much appreciate your comments. Thank you.

      I love how you put that -- we belong to one another and know each other in ways that are hard even to put into words.

      May you and your husband have many happy years together as well!

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  5. I don't think this just applies to us in this lifestyle. A very Vanilla friend of mine lost her husband suddenly just over a year ago and she is absolutely and totally lost. There is no other way to describe it. I actually think that because of our bonds we are stronger, she can barely function and has so many regrets. I think that my husband gives me strength and I think our togetherness has not given me any doubts . I could never regret a thing and can only say I would value what we had as the greatest part of my life.
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Jan, that is a fantastic point.

      I'm so sorry about your friend's loss. I can imagine the loss can be so devastating. I've seen how difficult it's been for my dad's wife, having lost him earlier this year. It's been incredibly difficult for me..but I have Jason to lean on.

      I agree with you that these years with Jason...they're the best we've ever had. If the day comes we're no longer with one another, I will never regret a minute, but only be grateful for the time we've had with one another.

      Thank you for you comment.

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  6. New here, but I chose a good time to visit...love this post...all of it.
    hugs abby

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    1. Welcome, Abby. Thank you, and I hope you visit again. :)

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  7. Wonderful post! Thank you for sharing.

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  8. Jason is right, humans do adapt to change. Sometimes it is difficult, but it will happen if we allow it. "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all".

    Rick

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    1. That is an excellent quote, that sums this all up perfectly.

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  9. I think of this stuff all of the time , it really scares me, to even think about being without him.

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    1. It scares me, too...in fact, that's why I make myself think about it from time to time. Jason says it's the best way to prepare for what could happen. But yes...it's not easy to think about.

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  10. Jason Girl,
    I have to say you and my sub think exactly alike. Whenever she's feeling down, all I do is read your blog to her, and she is completely rejuvenated, as if your thoughts always reaffirm her inner feelings.
    With her struggling with both her remaining grandparents passing, loads of schoolwork, and her extra-curricular resposibilities, she has been extremely stressed. I tried to calm her down by reading this, not knowing what I was getting into.
    By the end, we were both in tears (a rare occurance for me), and I had to reaffirm her that we would spend decades together.
    I just wanted to say that I completely agree with your viewpoint on life without our other halves, and that my baby girl looks up to you as a role model. What you wrote really spoke to her, and I suppose that's both a blessing and a curse.

    Thanks for listening,
    Shade Blade

    (Yes, my parents have an odd sense of humor when it comes to baby names.)

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    1. Hello, Shade Blade, (love your parents' sense of humor! ;))

      Thank you for your comment. I love that your submissive is rejuvenated by what I write here. It's the biggest reason I continue to blog...I want others who choose this lifestyle to feel less alone. So it pleases me that she's able to be encouraged by what I write.

      I'm sorry this post saddened you two. I do think it's something worth facing, though, and that's why I posted. But the potential separation is a very painful thing to contemplate. Jason reads my blog. The night he read it, he tucked me into bed and said, "I read your post. It was very brave of you to post that." I asked him why he said that, and he said "You really put yourself out there."

      But that's what we all do when we choose this lifestyle. We put ourselves out there. As you say, it's both a blessing and a curse, in that it's beautiful but not without pain.

      As far as what you said...I guess I never really considered that I could be a role model for anyone -- (Jason would laugh and likely say something like "They DO know what a brat you can be, right?") but I promise I'll take that seriously, as it's a responsibility.

      Thank you again for your post, and I hope you visit again.

      JG

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  11. Oh my.....I have the same fear about H. What happens if I lose him. I honestly think that is why I didn't give him my whole heart for a few years. I loved him but I kept a part of myself back. Now I know that to love the way we love is a gift and not everyone gets a taste of it in theirs lives. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid still, but I try not to dwell on it. Great post!!! It's nice to know others feel the same way.

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    1. Hi, Kris. That's an interesting point about not giving him your whole heart. Yes, I could really understand that. It's nice to be able to truly give ourselves fully to one another...but it's a vulnerable place to be. I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for stopping by. :)

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